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I’m stuck


cagetheelephant88

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Just a warning, this might be somewhat long.. but thank you for reading to those of you who do 

I just feel stuck in all aspects of life.  Whether that be in school, mentally, in my family, with my friends, and just in the world in general.. I have been struggling with anxiety since middle school (I am a senior in high school now), and I just got a therapist this summer.  I don’t really understand why, but it was very difficult for me to get help and start seeing a therapist.  I keep a lot of stuff inside, and it was one of the most terrifying events of my life to actually talk to someone about my innermost thoughts.  For the first couple of months, I would get really anxious before every appointment and would almost convince myself not to go.  But then I would make myself go anyways.

Ok so, flash forward half a school year and now I finally feel comfortable with my therapist.  But the problem is, I’m not sure if it’s helping me.  I’ve been going through a real rough patch lately, and I feel like I sit there and tell my therapist about it and she doesn’t give me any ways to make it better.  Sometimes she is helpful, but usually I feel like she doesn’t understand how BAD it really is, and I feel like she just brushes past the situation.

lately I’ve just been feeling really depressed and anxious, too.  Some days I feel completely fine and happy.  But some days I wake up and just feel this heaviness in my chest, this sadness and I can’t get it out no matter how much I try.  I just wake up and cry for hours, but there’s no reason for me crying.  I just sit on the bathroom floor for hours and can’t do anything.  On days like that, I don’t get fulfillment out of anything.  I just want to sleep forever, or stare at a blank wall.  And I’m not suicidal, I more just wish that I didn’t exist at all, like I wish I could just fade into nothing.  Sometimes dying does sound kind of nice to me, but I would never actually do it..I just feel like I don’t really have hope for my future.  And there’s not much benefit to me being around.  These feelings make me hate myself, I don’t understand why my friends or family love me, and I think sometimes that I am a burden to them because I’m not much fun to be around. 

See, and I go and tell my therapist that, and she’s just like “well let’s remember that you feel happy sometimes.” But it’s not helpful.  But I don’t want to get a whole new therapist because it will give me anxiety all over again, and currently just going to school gives me panic attacks.  To be fair, I don’t tell her the parts about me wishing to not exist.  I’m pretty ashamed of that, I don’t tell anybody about that.  But I don’t know how to stop feeling this way, but opening up to a whole new therapist feels like too much when it’s just hard for me to get out of bed in the morning and make myself go to school.  But my best friend tells me that I’m not working hard enough to feel better..and that makes me want to work harder, but it’s easier to just give up sometimes and stay stuck where you are..I don’t know how to get out of this 

 

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Welcome good friend to our awesome forum family.

I read your post and then read it out loud to my wife.

She said: "been there".

You are dealing with Old Man Depression.

Depression tells us awful lies about ourselves.

We are here for each other to try not to leave anyone behind in their depression darkness.

Keep posting and check out many other posts for support and insights.

You'll be glad you signed up here.

Oscar

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Hi and welcome. This is a peer support community so none of us are mental health professionals but we all have a good sense of what you're struggling with.

I read what you wrote, symptoms sound pretty straightforward. A large order of depression with a side of anxiety from the mental illness buffet - very similar to my Crappy Meal. Your post is very detailed though you left our what if any medication you're taking for the depression and anxiety symptoms, were you given a prescription?

Give yourself credit for getting help, for opening up to your therapist in spite of the awkwardness and that debilitating anxiety. That wasn't happenstance, YOU made that happen. You also joined this support community and reached out. In all, it's evidence that you are working on yourself so you can feel free to dismiss what your best friend said. 

You sound unsatisfied with your talk therapy. If what you're asking from your therapist are tools, I suggest registering for a depression or cognitive behavioral therapy class. These are therapist-led, classroom setting, homework required therapy groups where you will learn effective skills to deal with depression. It is a lot of work and at first it'll be uncomfortable doing it with others. Still, this sort of therapy really helped me.

I hope you can get those symptoms reduced so you're able to function at a higher level and maybe enjoy your holiday break. 

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13 hours ago, Atra said:

Hi and welcome. This is a peer support community so none of us are mental health professionals but we all have a good sense of what you're struggling with.

I read what you wrote, symptoms sound pretty straightforward. A large order of depression with a side of anxiety from the mental illness buffet - very similar to my Crappy Meal. Your post is very detailed though you left our what if any medication you're taking for the depression and anxiety symptoms, were you given a prescription?

Give yourself credit for getting help, for opening up to your therapist in spite of the awkwardness and that debilitating anxiety. That wasn't happenstance, YOU made that happen. You also joined this support community and reached out. In all, it's evidence that you are working on yourself so you can feel free to dismiss what your best friend said. 

You sound unsatisfied with your talk therapy. If what you're asking from your therapist are tools, I suggest registering for a depression or cognitive behavioral therapy class. These are therapist-led, classroom setting, homework required therapy groups where you will learn effective skills to deal with depression. It is a lot of work and at first it'll be uncomfortable doing it with others. Still, this sort of therapy really helped me.

I hope you can get those symptoms reduced so you're able to function at a higher level and maybe enjoy your holiday break. 

Thank you so much. Your reply means a lot to me and you made me feel a lot better about this whole thing.  

I’m not taking any medication currently, just doing talk therapy.  It’s kind of complicated, but I’m not 18 yet and I have a difficult family situation.  Basically I would have to go through my parents to be put on medication, which I think could possibly help me a lot..but my mom is very wary of medication.  It was even difficult to have her agree to me going to therapy, and she constantly complains about how it’s too expensive.  She has no idea that I am depressed, and has a very minimal understanding of my anxiety, so I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t understand me considering meds.  She’s also extremely controlling and paranoid (and definitely struggling with mental health issues of her own), which is why I haven’t tried to talk to her about this stuff.  I guess I could wait until I turn 18, which will be soonish.. but I’m not even sure that meds are the answer for me 

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On 12/22/2018 at 3:03 PM, Oscar K said:

Welcome good friend to our awesome forum family.

I read your post and then read it out loud to my wife.

She said: "been there".

You are dealing with Old Man Depression.

Depression tells us awful lies about ourselves.

We are here for each other to try not to leave anyone behind in their depression darkness.

Keep posting and check out many other posts for support and insights.

You'll be glad you signed up here.

Oscar

Thank you :)) just this one comment made me feel so much better, I am so happy that I signed up here. Thank you again!!

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