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JJayy

Shoot first and ask questions later..

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As a child I was a passive child. Therefore I was subjected to bullying at a young age from my mother and some children at school. My mother was my first and the biggest bully of all. Being a passive child and no one to guide me or talk to this about, I did not know what to do but believe that it was all my fault. Hence, the bullying continued....until one day I got tired of it. 

I started reacting. 

I started becoming aggressive. I got angry. I fought back. I did whatever I can to express my anger and frustration. And it WORKED. The bullying stopped. If it didn't stop, it definitely got the message across and people weren't messing with me. Instead of me being afraid of my mother, she started becoming afraid of me and gave her a second thought before she decided to attack me again. And others as well. 

So being aggressive became my new way of dealing with things. It changed my life. It saved me. It gave me a new freedom. It gave me a power. It gave me a control. 

Not only could I defend myself from attacks but also I could make things happen and accomplish goals. 

But as I grew up, my aggressive actions also started coming with a bit of prices to pay. But it sure did get my message across. But those prices that I had to pay started getting more expensive as it went on. 

What had helped me survive and thrive slowly started turning against me, and I had to unlearn it or at least balance it out. This was followed by a big confusion. Again, I felt lost. 

Especially, past few years, being aggressive when it comes to getting things handled or accomplishing goals wasn't happening like I used to. It seemed like it was causing quite a damage. Maybe my spirit isn't the same as it used to be. I've been feeling pretty beaten by my life. 

So long story short, recently I found Christianity to deal with my internal chaos and my anger and other negativity I've been dealing with. I feel like it has curved down my anger more than before and it prevented me from blowing out of proportion when I get very upset. I started asking questions before I started shooting. 

But now being a dad, I see my boy facing some issues at school which gives me a lot of anxiety and worries. This makes me revert to my old ways just to get things handled so I can protect my boy so he doesn't have to live the same life that I lived. 

And now I'm here questioning myself. Am I going about this the right way? Should I be patient and ask questions or should I shoot first and go about this matter aggressively? Am I causing a damage by shooting first? This is tougher because someone that I care about and love is involved. If it was just me, I wouldn't worry as much...

Please let things turn out well. And hope I am on the right path and doing the right thing.

 

 

 

Edited by JJayy

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Since I'm not a parent, I can't advise specifically.

What I can say is that I don't believe it's an either/or proposition.  Assertiveness is often a good choice.  It does require self-control on the anger component.  Regrettably for me, it requires some economy of verbiage.  I have to channel my Inner Spock emotionally.

Lately, too, I've simply said, "no" and left it at that.  Often I don't believe I owe anyone an explanation.  It's just, "no."  (What pleases me no end is situations when the other party is geared up for a fight and I refuse to participate beyond my one-word answer).  Less is more.

Maybe I should go find a good poker game now....

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Yes I agree.  When I was younger I was aggressive and now I'm assertive.  I'm not someone that ever wants to physically fight someone.  I'm a strong person but I try to talk my way out of every situation.  I think there is almost always a way to talk your way through things.  When I was in high school I exercised 2 or 3 hours a day to make sure I was bigger and stronger than everyone so hopefully I never had to fight anyone and it worked most of the time.  I do have to learn to be able to just say no and that's it though.  I maybe say too much at times.

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It's been my life's experience too. First oscillating between extremes, then course corrections until I appear to be walking the middle road. It isn't always easy for me to walk it, especially when it appears somebody is attacking me or mine. I guess emotion regulation has helped. In a pregnant pause before reacting, now I can "scroll through" options for intensity and select a reaction that's actually in line with my core values. 

Of course, when my symptoms are out of control I'm more apt to flip a table and overreact. 

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17 minutes ago, Atra said:

It's been my life's experience too. First oscillating between extremes, then course corrections until I appear to be walking the middle road. It isn't always easy for me to walk it, especially when it appears somebody is attacking me or mine. I guess emotion regulation has helped. In a pregnant pause before reacting, now I can "scroll through" options for intensity and select a reaction that's actually in line with my core values. 

Of course, when my symptoms are out of control I'm more apt to flip a table and overreact. 

Don’t hurt yourself flipping the tables over my friend because back spasms are no joke.   🤣

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Acting out in anger isn't a good idea. We need to control our feelings and act with reason. I'm sorry you and your child were victims of bullies. They were completely wrong to do that to you both. I would work with teachers and the school and any authorities in a reasonable manner to help your child. Stay calm and pray ALOT. Good luck!

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Bullies probably do deserve to get shot in the colon or elsewhere in the lower digestive system with an undercharged shot from a flintlock and left to expire.  But that is illegal and was made illegal by a bunch of pussies.

I have stood up to bullies and liked it.  They only understand force. 

I have transitioned to being assertive.  Yes I do want to slip my leash.  But force myself to control myself. 

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59 minutes ago, Rattler6 said:

Bullies probably do deserve to get shot in the colon or elsewhere in the lower digestive system with an undercharged shot from a flintlock and left to expire.  But that is illegal and was made illegal by a bunch of pussies.

I have stood up to bullies and liked it.  They only understand force. 

I have transitioned to being assertive.  Yes I do want to slip my leash.  But force myself to control myself. 

Oh boy...

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