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Frozen Tears


TheLastOutPost

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I was talking to this woman on Tinder, and things were going pretty good at first. She gave me a super like - ego boosted! We started chatting and our interests overlapped; and these are interests that I don't ever really see. Tail wagging! I made some jokes that didn't get much response, but, seeing how we're on chat, it can be difficult. So I kept chatting, but... began to realize that my word bubbles were bigger than her word bubbles. Then she said something today that felt downright patronizing.
I complimented a thing she had sewn and said in a flirting way, "I will show you something I made too, if you can handle it." A day went by and she just flatly said, "I'm intrigued." It just really hit me sour. Like, I could feel her eyes rolling as I read her response. Each response she's sent has been shorter than the previous one, and this one was down to two words, and it took her a day and a half to formulate at that.
I guess in addition to having an ugly body, I've got to come to terms with the fact that I have an annoying personality to boot. Because I've always been less than desirable physically, due to my chronic health condition since age 5 which has caused bad acne, stunted growth in puberty, and persistent chubbiness, I've compensated by being funny. Guess I'm getting too old for that shit too. My jokes haven't been landing for over a year.

2019 marks the 10th year since I've had a girlfriend or a sexual partner. A decade. And she was a girlfriend of 3 years, meaning I haven't felt the rush of love in 13 ****ing years. Goddamn, I am one ugly bastard. Goddamn, I must have been Caligula in my last life! Nature has a way of filtering out the genes that shouldn't be passed along, the benefit for the species which is hard to fault. It just sucks when you're always the one who watches his friends get girls and then hears how fun the sex was afterwards, and all you ever do is orgasm by your lonesome, late at night, like some lone burglar taking a few pieces of bread to keep from starving while everyone else lives in relative opulence.

The world is a dark and cold landscape, and when you suffer from depression like we do, it gets so cold that it begins to snow. And the only thing that can get you through the frozen pine is the lantern that is love. For a decade now I've been trekking through the tundra, growing weaker with each passing Valentine's Day and New Year's spent alone; while my friends, coworkers- even my own sibling- celebrate these times by further bronzing the relationship of those they know most intimately by the passage of time. Slowly the tempo of crunching ice and snow beneath my boots trails off and I lean against a tree to realize that I'm never going to find that cabin of warmth in the woods. It is too cold to cry.

-The Last Outpost

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19 minutes ago, TheLastOutPost said:

I was talking to this woman on Tinder, and things were going pretty good at first. She gave me a super like - ego boosted! We started chatting and our interests overlapped; and these are interests that I don't ever really see. Tail wagging! I made some jokes that didn't get much response, but, seeing how we're on chat, it can be difficult. So I kept chatting, but... began to realize that my word bubbles were bigger than her word bubbles. Then she said something today that felt downright patronizing.
I complimented a thing she had sewn and said in a flirting way, "I will show you something I made too, if you can handle it." A day went by and she just flatly said, "I'm intrigued." It just really hit me sour. Like, I could feel her eyes rolling as I read her response. Each response she's sent has been shorter than the previous one, and this one was down to two words, and it took her a day and a half to formulate at that.
I guess in addition to having an ugly body, I've got to come to terms with the fact that I have an annoying personality to boot. Because I've always been less than desirable physically, due to my chronic health condition since age 5 which has caused bad acne, stunted growth in puberty, and persistent chubbiness, I've compensated by being funny. Guess I'm getting too old for that shit too. My jokes haven't been landing for over a year.

2019 marks the 10th year since I've had a girlfriend or a sexual partner. A decade. And she was a girlfriend of 3 years, meaning I haven't felt the rush of love in 13 ****ing years. Goddamn, I am one ugly bastard. Goddamn, I must have been Caligula in my last life! Nature has a way of filtering out the genes that shouldn't be passed along, the benefit for the species which is hard to fault. It just sucks when you're always the one who watches his friends get girls and then hears how fun the sex was afterwards, and all you ever do is orgasm by your lonesome, late at night, like some lone burglar taking a few pieces of bread to keep from starving while everyone else lives in relative opulence.

The world is a dark and cold landscape, and when you suffer from depression like we do, it gets so cold that it begins to snow. And the only thing that can get you through the frozen pine is the lantern that is love. For a decade now I've been trekking through the tundra, growing weaker with each passing Valentine's Day and New Year's spent alone; while my friends, coworkers- even my own sibling- celebrate these times by further bronzing the relationship of those they know most intimately by the passage of time. Slowly the tempo of crunching ice and snow beneath my boots trails off and I lean against a tree to realize that I'm never going to find that cabin of warmth in the woods. It is too cold to cry.

-The Last Outpost

I’m sorry my friend but don’t give up on yourself it will eventually happen for you and when it does you will know how to appreciate your good fortune 

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I never tried tinder before and have no clue about what these text tinder expressions mean. 

I feel at some point in our lives, we once were happy and confident, this infectuous brightness is what attracted people to like us. Now we are not because something in our past broke us.

A friend asked me online, “ what happened to the fearless .... who would do anything?”

To even start dating someone, we need to attract people with a bright aura. Like as mentioned, we need to work on ourselves first. We need to work on picking ourselves up by our bootstrap after laying on the ground after a fall for a long time.

Try a meet-up of something you like.

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On 12/13/2018 at 6:44 PM, TheLastOutPost said:

So I kept chatting, but... began to realize that my word bubbles were bigger than her word bubbles. Then she said something today that felt downright patronizing.

Sorry to hear it. 

Yes, that happens. Sometimes it's because the other person wants to feel attractive and desired without any intention of actually connecting, they move on to the next person gonna give them what they crave. 

I hope you won't mind this suggestion about chatting in online dating apps - hold back a little more in your responses and delay replies, too. After answering a few questions, suggest that you meet face-to-face and be willing to move on from anyone who seems like they want to use Tinder as a basic chatroom. 

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On 12/13/2018 at 8:02 PM, Devlinkyla said:

All am going to say is you never know what can happen in your life in the future same things don’t work out at that time but same thing better can happen just saying you never know best of luck to you

If you never try you fail for sure and if you never ask you never get a response for sure.

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

I know how you feel.  The door is shut for me.  There will be no love in my life.  If there ever was a chance it's over for me now.

Then that is all the more time to do other things, take a class, earn a certification, more work or more enjoyment is how I see not having a relationship in my life.  Nikola Telsa supposedly died a virgin and he did a lot of great things. 

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I was letting myself get very upset and depressed again.  That was my depression talking.  The door is never shut for any of us.  I'm not a virgin.  I've had sex but I've never had love.  I am focusing on getting myself well physically and mentally right now while working enough to keep the lights on.  I fully think I can have a wonderful life at 40 in the spring if I keep to the plan I have.  Right now I'm training like I'm training for the olympics.  This spring I will be at my best one way or another.

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  • 2 weeks later...

So the woman I was talking to said she wanted to see my comedy video. So I sent her the link. And now she hasn't responded for half a month.

Then a few days ago I matched a different smart beauty. And this one was not 100 miles away. We chatted and things seemed good. We both are into photography and film. Last night I told her I do comedy. Sent her a link last night to a video, thinking, surely someone who's writing their PhD in English Lit. and has studied film will see that my video has a clearly defined character, and that I put weeks into filming and editing this thing.
Woke up this morning, expecting some sort of interaction, even if she didn't dig it, at least some mumbling acknowledgement. Instead, I pull up Tinder and literally see her portrait fade in real time since she had unmatched us. Like, really?

I've been on dates, like we all have, where I rewind things and say, "Yep, that's where I lost the match, right there." But things were going okay on this one. She was laughing, I was complimenting, our interests were overlapping. This was as forceful of a, "You are a simply a grotesque man whose seed should never pollute the gene pool," as I've ever felt as a single person.
 

I've been dreading 2019 for a while now. And that's because the last year I had sex was 2009. For the last 2 or 3 years I've been saying to myself, "Something will turn around. For sure, I won't hit 10 years. I'm not bad off!" And here I sit, waiting for all those happy people to count down the day after tomorrow as the ball drops and 2019 hits the screen and I have to confront the fact that, "Yes, _____. You are so ugly that you've been officially banned from mating." I'm a virgin again. 😖

I mean, these women post on these dating apps how they loath guys who show their abs, or pose on a boat w/ a fish they've just caught, or standing next to their stupid car. Well, I don't post any shots like that. I know how to use proper grammar. I'm witty. I don't smoke. I have a job. I even had cancer and almost died and that apparently counts for nothing. I mean, what the ****?!

On New Year's Day I'm deleting my Tinder. At this point it's like one of those little league games basketball games where the school from the wealthier suburb and better SAT scores just absolutely mauls the smaller school, to the point where the parents of both teams are just chewing the inside of their lips while the losing team chugs up the court to miss another shot, and when it's all said and done the sports editor at the local paper is writing the headline about how it's the worst loss in over 4 decades in state history. And that's how I feel. Not just rejected, but dejected.

I mean, what's the ****ing point? When that last relationship ended in 2009 I thought, "I'm not the kinda guy who has women show up like the bus schedule so it'll be a minute but then I'll find someone else." Then a few years ago I was like, "Man, it's been like 5 years now... 😒" And now I'm like, "I really am an ugly person." I mean, the good news about hitting the decade mark is I know now that this won't go on much longer, because I realize, w/o being too emotional about it, that I'm not going to continue to suffer like this. I will ______ myself off a tall _______  before I go through many more Valentine's Days alone. 10 is too goddamn many. 5 is too goddamn many. How many more times do I chug up the court towards the goal, shoot the ball and have it not even touch the backboard. It just flies out of bounds and the crowd winces in embarrassment for me. For trying; for donning the uniform in front of everyone with the outlandish notion that you too can put some points on the board. This was never a game I was supposed to be playing.

I masturbated two times last night and still woke up with an erection this morning. 🙁

The game is over, the parents have packed the SUVs up with kids to go get pizza. The lights have been shut off one by one, with an audible "klack!" each time. From a corner of the empty gymnasium comes the echo of a lone basketball bouncing off the smooth sheen of the empty court, otherwise quiet as a graveyard with the noticeable absence of the energy of the souls it accommodates. 

The janitor walks in from the hallway and says, "Hey now son, gettin' dark. We closin' up."

The boy looks up, eyes red from crying in shame, his palms raw from the dribbling, "I can't quit."

The janitor gently takes the ball from the boy and tells him, "This game just ain't for everybody. Time to go on home naw, son..."


-The Last Outpost

 

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Don't give up hope on finding someone.  You've just run into the wrong girls, they can be tricky and hard to understand.  Don't worry about it though, the right one will show up someday.  Just wait it out and keep searching.  She's out there probably looking for you, the one she doesn't know she needs yet.  It's hard to accept but it is true, trust me, you'll find her one day.  

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Doesn't sound like Tinder is your thing anyway. Seems you want a real relationship. You're probably better off in some co-ed situation to meet someone with similar interests: a class, club, something like that. 

I had some buddies into one night stands. That wasn't for me, I wanted something real.

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Thanks for your support guys. There's not much anyone can do except say, "Keep your chin up, sonny." But honestly, that sentiment was more applicable about 7 or 8 years ago. Now it's just a question of how much more fortitude I have left in me. And the answer is not much. 24, 36 months maybe. If I don't get cancer again. It's really pretty much over. Anti-depressants don't work. Exercising doesn't help. Dating apps leave me feeling even more undesirable than not even interfacing w/ the opposite sex w/ that potentiality factored in. Drinking about 14 drinks on the weekends used to allow me a little reprieve but that's pointless anymore, drinking alone for the thousandth time.
I just want to die.

-The Last Outpost

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Tinder sucks. It really does. Dating apps in general can be the worst! I have quite a few bad stories of my own as well. Im not against dating apps at all I think they are becoming more and more normal and thats good. 

But it does seem to make peoples attention towards one person seem harder because they  could have other conversations going on with other people so it makes it easier for the person to become uninterested. So keep that in mind and dont let it make you feel like theres just something wrong with YOU when a lot of it is just how the system is set up. And that is not to see im sure sometimes we can do or say some off things that we can improve on that can make the overall experience better , but for the most part I honestly think its just how the world of dating apps work sadly. Because I swear reading that was similar to stories my friend was telling me about their tinder experiences a week a go. 

Best advice is dont ever let anyone make you feel like there is something wrong with you, dont ever ever become completely bitter or angry because that will just make it harder for  you to find a healthy relationship and not let your good qualities come out. Just remember that a lot of the BS you wrote here is bs a lot of the users deal with and that its not that theres something with you 😞 thats just tinder for you 

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You shouldn't be so hard on yourself--People are so obsessed with their looks these days and I think what is most important is what's on the inside that matters the most..I have known beautiful people in my life that were actually ugly because they have such a cold heart...I know it is hard, but, the girl you mentioned talking too on this other website is not worth it--you deserve the best!! Please know that you are important and you are worth it!! 8-]] 

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