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SavyM

Confused and hurting

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nobody ever teaches you how important self-love is, how you need it to get through this life. I don't think I have ever loved myself or learned how to. I came to this realization in my counseling session. I didn't even realize how much I despised myself and loathed myself. I didn't realize that I was hurting myself for years because of my self-hatred. I don't take care of myself because I don't see the point in doing so. A part of me feels I am purposefully making myself miserable because I know what changes I need to make to not feel so depressed and numb, but I just have no motivation to do them. I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling as though I'm failing at life. I hate feeling that I have absolutely no purpose in life. Yet I don't do anything to change it. It makes me lazy and stupid which fuels the self-loathing. i feel like I'm throwing myself a pity party and it makes me so mad at myself. I feel so conflicted and can't understand what it going on through my mind. I feel like I'm being crazy and seeking attention, feeling sorry for myself. I was in a very bad place a couple of years ago and I can understand why life was so difficult for me, but now since the depression is different, it feels like I'm just making excuses. I'm so frustrated because I don't understand what I feel, but I know it's making me not want to exist anymore. It's weird I don't necessarily want to die, I just don't want to BE anymore. 

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31 minutes ago, SavyM said:

nobody ever teaches you how important self-love is, how you need it to get through this life. I don't think I have ever loved myself or learned how to. I came to this realization in my counseling session. I didn't even realize how much I despised myself and loathed myself. I didn't realize that I was hurting myself for years because of my self-hatred. I don't take care of myself because I don't see the point in doing so. A part of me feels I am purposefully making myself miserable because I know what changes I need to make to not feel so depressed and numb, but I just have no motivation to do them. I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling as though I'm failing at life. I hate feeling that I have absolutely no purpose in life. Yet I don't do anything to change it. It makes me lazy and stupid which fuels the self-loathing. i feel like I'm throwing myself a pity party and it makes me so mad at myself. I feel so conflicted and can't understand what it going on through my mind. I feel like I'm being crazy and seeking attention, feeling sorry for myself. I was in a very bad place a couple of years ago and I can understand why life was so difficult for me, but now since the depression is different, it feels like I'm just making excuses. I'm so frustrated because I don't understand what I feel, but I know it's making me not want to exist anymore. It's weird I don't necessarily want to die, I just don't want to BE anymore. 

It is perfectly normal to not want to be in a state where you do not feel in control of your life.

Hang in there my friend and hopefully things will begin to change for you

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Welcome SavyM! Sorry you are in such a hard place. I can relate. I had to learn to see myself differently and work on my issues with a good therapist. It did get better. I think you are already making progress and it is completely normal for you to feel as you do. You are going into new territory and it will feel crazy. There is a short book that really help me understand my patterns called "The Child Within". Maybe it would help you too. You are not alone. We are here for you.

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That's a heavy realisation, but it's important. I was really upset when I realised I felt the same way about myself. What's important is moving forward from here. I understand the feeling of 'making excuses', because I often think I do that. Just remember that depression is an illness with symptoms, and these may make you procrastinate. Try and be kind to yourself.

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On 12/6/2018 at 7:19 PM, BeyondWeary said:

Welcome SavyM! Sorry you are in such a hard place. I can relate. I had to learn to see myself differently and work on my issues with a good therapist. It did get better. I think you are already making progress and it is completely normal for you to feel as you do. You are going into new territory and it will feel crazy. There is a short book that really help me understand my patterns called "The Child Within". Maybe it would help you too. You are not alone. We are here for you.

Thank you! I will definitely check it out. I'm hoping to start seeing someone more regularly to really figure out what is going on in my head and why. 

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On 12/6/2018 at 10:26 PM, MargotMontage said:

That's a heavy realisation, but it's important. I was really upset when I realised I felt the same way about myself. What's important is moving forward from here. I understand the feeling of 'making excuses', because I often think I do that. Just remember that depression is an illness with symptoms, and these may make you procrastinate. Try and be kind to yourself.

Yeah, it was hard to face that truth about myself, I guess I always knew it but never said it out loud. I know depression makes you do certain things like procrastinate, but I just can't shake the feeling that I'm using depression as an excuse. It really gets to me, but then I don't change it. Thank you for your reply, I really do need to learn how to be kinder to myself and it helps to know someone else feels the same way.

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On 12/6/2018 at 6:35 PM, sad in grand Rapids said:

i don't have any answers i feel the same way horrible. just know others are in similar situation. hope you feel better.

david     

I'm sorry you feel this way. You are absolutely right and I hope you don't forget that either. We are strong and it will get better

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Everything you wrote about how you feel, I feel almost every day. And the troubling thoughts that accompany these feelings and the stories my mind creates to explain the totality of it. I know I've got illness but I can't seem to separate the depression from that which is me not living up to my potential. Like you wrote, I don't know what I feel, I don't know what's true and the resulting confusion is how I can relate to you wanting to not to exist anymore.

On 12/6/2018 at 2:49 PM, SavyM said:

I feel so conflicted and can't understand what it going on through my mind.

I don't trust my judgment of my own self and as a result I'm uncertain about choices and uncomfortable with any narrative I invent to explain who I am. 

So, there's this tempest in my head always threatening to toss into the air everything I've worked so hard to nail down. For now, I can hold it together, prevent my inevitable breakdown because of the work I'm doing in dialectical therapy.

That's about learning how to balance opposite perspectives instead of either-or thinking. I'm holding in one hand, depression is my debilitating illness while in other, I've got depression is my crutch. The broader perspective is balancing Acceptance and Change.  ⚖️

Sounds difficult? It's difficult for me but 🤷‍♂️ what've I got to lose but my mind? 🤪

 

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there is hope if you get help. i myself have improved a lot over last few days and i was in a pit of darkness and had no hope. I was really bad and am starting to get better so if i can feel hope you certainly can. the key is getting treatment for your mental health problems. i would look up free support groups and call your doc if you have one and explain what's going on.   last getting better takes time as i have found. just know your not alone and I'm praying for you. 

david

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