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SavyM

Confused and hurting

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nobody ever teaches you how important self-love is, how you need it to get through this life. I don't think I have ever loved myself or learned how to. I came to this realization in my counseling session. I didn't even realize how much I despised myself and loathed myself. I didn't realize that I was hurting myself for years because of my self-hatred. I don't take care of myself because I don't see the point in doing so. A part of me feels I am purposefully making myself miserable because I know what changes I need to make to not feel so depressed and numb, but I just have no motivation to do them. I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling as though I'm failing at life. I hate feeling that I have absolutely no purpose in life. Yet I don't do anything to change it. It makes me lazy and stupid which fuels the self-loathing. i feel like I'm throwing myself a pity party and it makes me so mad at myself. I feel so conflicted and can't understand what it going on through my mind. I feel like I'm being crazy and seeking attention, feeling sorry for myself. I was in a very bad place a couple of years ago and I can understand why life was so difficult for me, but now since the depression is different, it feels like I'm just making excuses. I'm so frustrated because I don't understand what I feel, but I know it's making me not want to exist anymore. It's weird I don't necessarily want to die, I just don't want to BE anymore. 

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31 minutes ago, SavyM said:

nobody ever teaches you how important self-love is, how you need it to get through this life. I don't think I have ever loved myself or learned how to. I came to this realization in my counseling session. I didn't even realize how much I despised myself and loathed myself. I didn't realize that I was hurting myself for years because of my self-hatred. I don't take care of myself because I don't see the point in doing so. A part of me feels I am purposefully making myself miserable because I know what changes I need to make to not feel so depressed and numb, but I just have no motivation to do them. I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling as though I'm failing at life. I hate feeling that I have absolutely no purpose in life. Yet I don't do anything to change it. It makes me lazy and stupid which fuels the self-loathing. i feel like I'm throwing myself a pity party and it makes me so mad at myself. I feel so conflicted and can't understand what it going on through my mind. I feel like I'm being crazy and seeking attention, feeling sorry for myself. I was in a very bad place a couple of years ago and I can understand why life was so difficult for me, but now since the depression is different, it feels like I'm just making excuses. I'm so frustrated because I don't understand what I feel, but I know it's making me not want to exist anymore. It's weird I don't necessarily want to die, I just don't want to BE anymore. 

It is perfectly normal to not want to be in a state where you do not feel in control of your life.

Hang in there my friend and hopefully things will begin to change for you

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Welcome SavyM! Sorry you are in such a hard place. I can relate. I had to learn to see myself differently and work on my issues with a good therapist. It did get better. I think you are already making progress and it is completely normal for you to feel as you do. You are going into new territory and it will feel crazy. There is a short book that really help me understand my patterns called "The Child Within". Maybe it would help you too. You are not alone. We are here for you.

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That's a heavy realisation, but it's important. I was really upset when I realised I felt the same way about myself. What's important is moving forward from here. I understand the feeling of 'making excuses', because I often think I do that. Just remember that depression is an illness with symptoms, and these may make you procrastinate. Try and be kind to yourself.

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