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Rattler6

Damnable December

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So December is a few days away.  It has always been the worst month for me.  Because trouble always comes big time and all I can do is not come out to greet it.

I have kept big trouble away for a long time.  Someone tried to get me in trouble last year.  Which made extremely unhappy and I would have sued if I could.  But it did not go anywhere as this unethical person did not have a case.

I have moments where I am a lot moodier than I should be.  Not kind thoughts rush through my mind.  It is hard to breathe.  Everything that I had to hold back comes out.  Being brutally raped and bullied and not being able to defend myself all those years ago.  And the times I did I was punished.  

How dare I stand up for myself.  How dare I put my physical and emotional safety above some school rule or law written by a bunch of frakking cowards. 

Now I can barely control all this frustration that I have from all these other things.  I would like to have more friends, live somewhere else, even work in a different career field.  I have even thought of changing my name as I have always hated my given name. 

I did want a military career for the longest time but then I would have been more of a tool.  And I am no one's servile dog.  And every time I lose my temper that is what I am.  Everytime I obsess over what I endured I let them hurt me again and that is not acceptable.

But if I made all of those changes I would still have to deal with all the crap that goes on in my head.  

I am back in therapy which is probably a good thing.

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1 hour ago, Rattler6 said:

So December is a few days away.  It has always been the worst month for me.  Because trouble always comes big time and all I can do is not come out to greet it.

I have kept big trouble away for a long time.  Someone tried to get me in trouble last year.  Which made extremely unhappy and I would have sued if I could.  But it did not go anywhere as this unethical person did not have a case.

I have moments where I am a lot moodier than I should be.  Not kind thoughts rush through my mind.  It is hard to breathe.  Everything that I had to hold back comes out.  Being brutally raped and bullied and not being able to defend myself all those years ago.  And the times I did I was punished.  

How dare I stand up for myself.  How dare I put my physical and emotional safety above some school rule or law written by a bunch of frakking cowards. 

Now I can barely control all this frustration that I have from all these other things.  I would like to have more friends, live somewhere else, even work in a different career field.  I have even thought of changing my name as I have always hated my given name. 

I did want a military career for the longest time but then I would have been more of a tool.  And I am no one's servile dog.  And every time I lose my temper that is what I am.  Everytime I obsess over what I endured I let them hurt me again and that is not acceptable.

But if I made all of those changes I would still have to deal with all the crap that goes on in my head.  

I am back in therapy which is probably a good thing.

Yes, friend it is not a good idea to just give people a piece of your mind even though they might deserve it.  It’s still not wise because of the law and the way people think 🤔 and react to stuff 

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8 hours ago, Rattler6 said:

So December is a few days away.  It has always been the worst month for me. 

Me too. And true for the most of us here, probably. It seems so many people look forward to December but me, I can only look backwards.

The holiday season and all the reasons why it sucks for me. And New Years Eve is the crappiest party night ever. I will no longer begrudge people their happiness, though. If December is their time to feel like the whole world is entirely cheerful and kind, then all that I can do is wish them well.

9 hours ago, Rattler6 said:

Everytime I obsess over what I endured I let them hurt me again and that is not acceptable.

Well said. And I'm also tired of letting myself be anger's servant, it's a lousy master. Then again on the other hand, putting a lid on it is why I'm depression's chew toy. I'm either out of control or I'm stuck. 

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2 hours ago, Atra said:

Me too. And true for the most of us here, probably. It seems so many people look forward to December but me, I can only look backwards.

The holiday season and all the reasons why it sucks for me. And New Years Eve is the crappiest party night ever. I will no longer begrudge people their happiness, though. If December is their time to feel like the whole world is entirely cheerful and kind, then all that I can do is wish them well.

Well said. And I'm also tired of letting myself be anger's servant, it's a lousy master. Then again on the other hand, putting a lid on it is why I'm depression's chew toy. I'm either out of control or I'm stuck. 

December has always been tough on me since I was a kid because we didn’t have much and I never really got anything for Christmas.  When school would get back in after the Holidays the teacher would always have us stand up and tell the class what you got for Christmas and I would have to lie about what I got because I didn’t want anyone to know my family couldn’t afford to buy us stuff for Christmas.  It took all they had just to feed us, clothes us and provide shelter for us.  So, even today I don’t put much emphasis on Christmas because to me it is just another day.  I do value what the day stands for but not the way people used it to get filthy rich 🤑.

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30 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

This year is really rough on me for some reason. I normally look forward to winter. But not this year. I want to hole up in my apartment and not come out for a few months. I don't want to be around people.

I totally understand my friend and I sure have had my share of days where I just wanted to be left alone for no apparent reason at all 

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I used to like Christmas when my kids were young. Now it just feels full of extra pressure to look happy and lots of extra things to make us busy and stressed. I can't stand listening to Christmas music already. I try push it all in the background and do my own thing as it works for me. Yet it is not easy when life is already hard living with depression and anxiety. 

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On top of all that I have struggled making friends my entire life.  I have been talking to people at the gym when I can.  Thing is I would bet that all the anger I am trying to control is putting people off a bit. 

Because I struggle making new relationships I have not really moved out from home as a part of me thinks that it would isolate me even further. 

I do not want to spend my life as the man in an angry/depressed cycle. 

I have never married or had children which is a good thing. 

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I met with my therapist again today and he said I had great self control compared to other patients that he did have.  

It was nice to hear that.  Some poor bastards have bigger issues than me.  I have given him my priorities for treatment which he did agree with.

We talked about body language and how being intimidating is safer than being liked.  Thing is that is an old defense mechanism for me and I am not in the situations that required me to be intimidating very often anymore.

I was thinking about the the old Enterprise episode Exile about that poor lonely and creepy telepathy that had been marooned on the planet.  I really do not want to be that lonely and am trying to improve my social skills.

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I have some terrific memories of Christmas as a child, particularly with my dad.  All the wonderful feelings like anticipation, safety, etc.  Even a few good ones as a young adult when I was partnered for a few years.

But it's no longer anything I celebrate.  I don't have the money or relationships to make it meaningful.  Oh, I enjoy the lights - especially wrapped around the palm trees - but that's it.  I'm more like an outside observer.  tbh, it doesn't bother me.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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20 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

I have some terrific memories of Christmas as a child, particularly with my dad.  All the wonderful feelings like anticipation, safety, etc.  Even a few good ones as a young adult when I was partnered for a few years.

But it's no longer anything I celebrate.  I don't have the money or relationships to make it meaningful.  Oh, I enjoy the lights - especially wrapped around the palm trees - but that's it.  I'm more like an outside observer.  tbh, it doesn't bother me.

I am glad that you have such happy memories.  For me most of the memories that I think about are not the pleasant ones. 

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I’m going to comment from a different perspective. I personally don’t celebrate any holidays but I don’t try to prevent others if they chose to do so. 

What moves me to tears during this time of year is that many persons will be reminded of the loss of family members or friends who have passed away. The holiday season emphasizes family togetherness. What if a person has no family? What if a family is dysfunctional and separated? The tension in families run high and so is depression and anxiety during these next two months. 

Retailers want to promote the idea during Christmas and New Years that people can attain happiness. People long for happiness and acceptance from others. They spend more than they make and gifts are given to unappreciative recipients. Where is the happiness in that? 

People need love and feelings of worthiness every single day, not just a day set aside for retailers to profit. When I worked in retail, I actually felt sorry for my coworkers. They did their best in most cases, but they wouldn’t get to spend much of their time with their own families. How frustrating and disappointing. 

I know it sounds like I’m simply rehashing what was already said by the posts prior to this. It is just that I want to acknowledge and agree with most of your words. 

I’ve  found that I can be truly happy, even in spite of what life throws my way and I don’t have to feel obligated to follow traditions and rituals to achieve it. I mean no offense to anyone but there is more to life than this. 

May you feel loved  and supported today.

Frances 

Edited by MollieMcdoodlesMom

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On 12/5/2018 at 3:15 AM, MollieMcdoodlesMom said:

I’m going to comment from a different perspective. I personally don’t celebrate any holidays but I don’t try to prevent others if they chose to do so. 

What moves me to tears during this time of year is that many persons will be reminded of the loss of family members or friends who have passed away. The holiday season emphasizes family togetherness. What if a person has no family? What if a family is dysfunctional and separated? The tension in families run high and so is depression and anxiety during these next two months. 

Retailers want to promote the idea during Christmas and New Years that people can attain happiness. People long for happiness and acceptance from others. They spend more than they make and gifts are given to unappreciative recipients. Where is the happiness in that? 

People need love and feelings of worthiness every single day, not just a day set aside for retailers to profit. When I worked in retail, I actually felt sorry for my coworkers. They did their best in most cases, but they wouldn’t get to spend much of their time with their own families. How frustrating and disappointing. 

I know it sounds like I’m simply rehashing what was already said by the posts prior to this. It is just that I want to acknowledge and agree with most of your words. 

I’ve  found that I can be truly happy, even in spite of what life throws my way and I don’t have to feel obligated to follow traditions and rituals to achieve it. I mean no offense to anyone but there is more to life than this. 

May you feel loved  and supported today.

Frances 

Christmas sucks for people with family issues. I personally 'celebrate' it from a religious perspective, but even that's hard, since I feel so unwelcome in church. I suppose that if you're not particularly religious, you could always consider Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol as a thoughtful reflection on the Christmas spirit. Retailers and corporations promote it, but are very Scroogelike in the execution of their ideas.

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I generally avoid church.  I believe in god/jesus out of pragmatism not because of the strength/validity of the bible.

I like spending time with friends and family when I can.  I do get so lonely but it is so hard for me to form relationships.  I move forward with them slower than a tectonic plate. 

I just have a few more things I would like to get for people this christmas at least.

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I know that feeling about December too. Every year, the annual usual holiday gathering at a rich relative’s house. Last year, my mom embarrased me in the party forcing me to participate in a white elephant event even after I refused.  

This year I am staying away from my mom when that game happens. 

You dont like engaging w/ people when you don’t feeling great. I lie a bit about myself or dont say much about myself.

My dad since loosing his business during the Recession doesn't come to the party out of shame. 

As for Christmas parties in general, You could out of family courtesy, show up to the party for a few hrs of how much you can bare and leave, say  you have another party to tend to.

What we should remember, it’s up to us of how much we want to spend time. If I could I would arrive alone.

 

Edited by Stand_alone

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On 11/28/2018 at 12:00 PM, JD4010 said:

This year is really rough on me for some reason. I normally look forward to winter. But not this year. I want to hole up in my apartment and not come out for a few months. I don't want to be around people.

The whole week I think I can't wait until the weekend so I can go out and find someone.  Every weekend I think oh yeah I hate people.  I have a need for someone in my life but almost everyone I've ever come across in real life has been toxic.

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I enjoy old timey Christmas hymns, especially from a big old pipe organ. I decorate the apartment with some bright lights to add a little "festive" atmosphere. But I reject the horrible commercial aspect that has been glommed onto the holiday.

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7 hours ago, sober4life said:

Yeah people wonder why Jesus hasn't come back yet.  Well look like what you have done to his birthday.  It's like the South Park episode where Cartman insisted that his mom get him birthday gifts on everyone else's birthday too.

Oh sober you are making me want to write something that would bring down the ban-hammer on me. 

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I just have to say thank you, guys.  I thought I was the only one, TBH.  I'm sorry that anyone has to deal with pain, much less at this time of year on top of it.  This holiday in particular seems custom engineered to make me feel like a total failure, custom designed to highlight everything I'm not able to do.  I just feel like King Theoden in the holiday meme - 'So it begins.'  And the commercialism - egads, people are so horrible to each other this time of year, especially if you work in retail.  I've seen rabid dogs behave more kindly. All that greedy commercialism is so out of tune with what Christmas is supposed to be about, even without the religious aspect, that I get emotional whiplash this time of year.

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 many holidays I feel are over shadowed by mass consumerism. There’s even holidays derived from different cultures that is becoming more  known and mainstream to get ppl to buy. Side note, in China, schools kids nowadays are introduced to celebrate Christmas, even though China is really Communist, and the party controls all religion. A holiday like Christmas and Hannukah, should be celebrated as it really is, for spiritual  meaning and to be w/ family and friends.

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