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I don't believe it either . online dating advice


StoicLady

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So I really can't believe that I and posting this. But life Marches On whether we are depressed or not. And so it has with me. On Friday I signed up for a penpal site because I thought it would be a nice way to meet some nice people and have some social interaction while having boundaries etcetera etcetera Etc. Well so I can't quite believe this but I actually did meet someone really nice. He is single which was one of my number one criteria. We share similar interests Etc and naturally we are in different countries because it's pen pals! Well it all started with a few lines which turned into Furious texting all weekend via email. And when I say Fast and Furious I'm not kidding. I mean this was over 400 emails exchanged in a 24-hour period. Obviously they weren't very long. They were each a few lines as in an ongoing conversation. Well he made it pretty clear that he would like to take the next step and go to phone but that is phone was not set up for international calls and that he would work that out this week. All fun and good I'm not upset about that. What in fact I'm not upset at all. I am just confused about something and I need your advice. His entire story checks out. Every last bit of what he tells me Can be verified. The guy is telling the truth. He is single he is nice, and he's quite accomplished. He also happens to be rather self-deprecating, and there are a few other indicators that he probably deals with depression as we all do. But he did not actually state that. It's a little early in the game right? So anyway, I'm saying all this because I want you to know that I did all my due diligence. This is no scam or phony profile. This guy's for real. At least as far as what he has told me of himself. So we talked about how we clicked, and seem to get along so well, which in itself doesn't mean very much to me because it's online, it's new, all that. That could all change in the blink of an eye and we all know that. Okay sorry I keep getting distracted. Here's my question. With all the dating advice out there it is all very confusing to me especially when it comes to the male side of the equation. I am a woman who has not dated anyone seriously since 2005. So I feel a little out of touch with all of this. Today is Monday and I received a note from him stating that he was just really tired today, had a hard day at work, kids are acting up at home. Prior to that I had sent him a bit of a flirty email that I really didn't think he would see until after work. It was his personal email address after all. But he checked his email and he wrote back a bit of a flirty email. The point is I probably overstepped a boundary here with the work schedule Etc. So I responded to his short note and said that I was sorry for having overstepped the boundary, do forgive me comma Etc. So now what? Am I supposed to wait a specified amount of time, or just move forward and forget about it? I should mention that he lives in the UK and I live here in the states,. We are both in midlife. We are not children or in our 20s. We have both been married before divorced, lived Our Lives prior to this. What I'm trying to express is that neither of us is a completely insecure or inexperienced person but at the same time I think we both feel a little confused about the so-called rules for online dating or whatever this is. I don't mind saying that I really really really like this guy. And he has said as much to me about me. Can someone please elucidate for me what the so-called rules about all this are? I mean the etiquette I suppose. Maybe I don't know what I mean. Maybe you know what I mean. LOL thanks in advance!

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I wish I had some good advice to offer you, StoicLady,  but I have never used an online dating service.  I think that there are members here who have experience with online dating relationships and I hope they will respond to your post.  I do wish you all the very best in your life ! ! !   - epictetus

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi @StoicLady I hope the budding friendship/romance continues between the two of you and that my response isn't too late to be of use. 

Rather than rules, let's call the following realities of online dating. 

Everything comes faster. Acceptance, rejection, attraction, fascination, falling in love, falling out and so on. The pace beginning with "Hi, I'm curious" to "We're officially dating" is counted in days rather than weeks because as you know, communication comes speedily as do answers to important questions.

Consequently, each believes she/he knows the other person really, really well in a week or three but it is very often they're really, really wrong. Why do I say that? Reasons. 

In writing, anyone can put himself in the best light and can do so with nearly no special effort required. For example, perhaps I'm banging out this long, thoughtful reply to your post as imagined or perhaps this is the 14th time I've copied/pasted it. It might not have been written by me at all. 

The delete key also enables us to not be ourselves by erasing our irritations, frustrations, overreactions, prejudice and together with quick replies gives the appearance we are always thoughtful, never ill-mannered or short tempered.

There are no number of emails, chats, texts that will indicate if this guy is a total jackass to waitstaff and anyone working behind a desk. Or that he screams at his kids daily. Nothing about personal hygiene. And so on. 

Perhaps all of the above has already occured to you so the only rule you really must hold to in online dating is to protect your heart. Every one of us is self-deceiving in that we tend to see people and things as we wish them to be and not as they are.

I don't want my cautious talk to be considered a rant against online dating, in my experience there's nothing inherently troubling about it if you accept it's peculiarities and the honest truth that people do let you down. 

I hope this man is right for you in all the ways that matter. But until you can observe him being his ordinary self doing ordinary things, sequester your heart just a bit. 

 

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On ‎12‎/‎5‎/‎2018 at 3:04 PM, Atra said:

Hi @StoicLady I hope the budding friendship/romance continues between the two of you and that my response isn't too late to be of use. 

Rather than rules, let's call the following realities of online dating. 

Everything comes faster. Acceptance, rejection, attraction, fascination, falling in love, falling out and so on. The pace beginning with "Hi, I'm curious" to "We're officially dating" is counted in days rather than weeks because as you know, communication comes speedily as do answers to important questions.

Consequently, each believes she/he knows the other person really, really well in a week or three but it is very often they're really, really wrong. Why do I say that? Reasons. 

In writing, anyone can put himself in the best light and can do so with nearly no special effort required. For example, perhaps I'm banging out this long, thoughtful reply to your post as imagined or perhaps this is the 14th time I've copied/pasted it. It might not have been written by me at all. 

The delete key also enables us to not be ourselves by erasing our irritations, frustrations, overreactions, prejudice and together with quick replies gives the appearance we are always thoughtful, never ill-mannered or short tempered.

There are no number of emails, chats, texts that will indicate if this guy is a total jackass to waitstaff and anyone working behind a desk. Or that he screams at his kids daily. Nothing about personal hygiene. And so on. 

Perhaps all of the above has already occured to you so the only rule you really must hold to in online dating is to protect your heart. Every one of us is self-deceiving in that we tend to see people and things as we wish them to be and not as they are.

I don't want my cautious talk to be considered a rant against online dating, in my experience there's nothing inherently troubling about it if you accept it's peculiarities and the honest truth that people do let you down. 

I hope this man is right for you in all the ways that matter. But until you can observe him being his ordinary self doing ordinary things, sequester your heart just a bit. 

 

I agree. I've done online dating before and people have told me so many things I found out to be lies later on. One person I ended up meeting in real life, my parents were there too though, they flew in to see me. But they were totally different online than in person. They made themselves out to be somebody with god/goddess-like qualities when in real life they had qualities of a snake.

Not saying they are all like that. Not at all! But you gotta be careful. Unless you're psychic, you'll never know how a person really is until you live with them.

I've never been married, but my mom said that when she was dating my dad, she thought he was a really great guy, but when she married him, she found out things about him that were awful. I won't list them here but I'll just say he hid it well. And that was in real life, not internet!

I think it's a 50/50 chance he'll be good, 50/50 chance he'll be bad. You just never know. But I wish you good luck. (To the original poster that is). 🙂

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