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The moment you realize that no one will fall in love with you


desperateloser

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19 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

yes but we all are attracted to different things, if we were all the same it would be a boring WORLD in my honest opinion... males with nice bodies, who were wealthy with their fancy cars, promised me the world, but i always ignored them. that's not who i want to end up with ..other things are attractive to me ..most importantly, if i were to get involved again i would look for a guy who understands mental illness and does not run away if i have a break down or relapse.. which happens quite frequently in relationships. but at this point i'd rather be alone. i'm happier this way.

I agree.  I'm happier alone.  I dream of the perfect relationship but it's never happened before and I don't expect it to happen in the future.  I understand but it makes me feel very sad for the both of us at the same time.

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The truth is the one I loved has been dead for many years.  I went to this person's grave every day for 5 years.  That was the person I loved.  A song just played on the radio that reminded me of that person.  I'll never see that person again because I don't believe in an afterlife.

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

I agree.  I'm happier alone.  I dream of the perfect relationship but it's never happened before and I don't expect it to happen in the future.  I understand but it makes me feel very sad for the both of us at the same time. 

I'm not sad that I am alone to be honest with you. It's very hard for people to accept this illness. Even for my own family, never mind a person you fall in love with it. (I have seen it happen so I am not going to say that all people are inconsiderate, some people/relationships can deal with it, but NOT ALL..) but I'd rather be alone than with some guy who can't handle my illness, be free to live the life I want, do what I want, and don't have to answer to anyone.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

For me I say that I would rather be alone.  I'm ok with this.  It makes me think I have a say in things.  I don't have a say in things.  I'm an outsider freak the world threw away a long time ago.  

That's how I feel too. I need to keep telling myself that I am OK with it but deep down I am not, I don't think the desire for companionship can be completely eliminated. Still, it's easier to accept it than to keep struggling, it's a futile fight. 

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On 12/25/2018 at 5:51 PM, MollieMcdoodlesMom said:

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and relate how things can be different. I’ve read the following posts about being unloved and feeling like nobody would want us. This might be true but then again, it might be the opposite. Here’s our story. 

My husband has had a very difficult upbringing. His parents divorce before he was 6 yrs old. His dad apparently was a violent person, but my husband never talks badly about him. His mom had a muscle disease which was passed on to my husband, Bob. He was bullied in school which caused him to get into fights and turn to drugs in order to cope. Years later he cleaned up his life and made some changes.

One of my friends told me about this guy that worked on their cars. He wanted to date and asked if she had any friends from her hometown that he might be able to get to know. I was totally against talking to a guy I’ve never met in person. For me, I thought I must be pretty pathetic if someone is trying to set me up with some guy in another state. I didn’t want to date, all the guys I knew were and are still complete jerks.

To get her off my back, I consented to one letter. In it he told me about himself a little. I felt obligated to reply and that was the beginning of a four month correspondence between us. We ran up our phone bills to over $500 and he sent me videos of his place, his dogs, and his town. I hadn’t even seen his picture, but sent him one of myself. 

During our conversations I explained that I’m not interested in dating as a social outlet. I was almost 30 yrs old and I was dating with the eventual outcome of marriage. I had my heart stomped on before and I’m not willing to let it happen again. We agreed to continue speaking on the phone. 

I had an unexpected opportunity to travel back to his town with my friend. I was frightened about actually meeting him face to face but I asked his opinion on it and there was a long pause...I thought, he really doesn’t want to meet me after all. I was really scared that I was going to look foolish or it would be so awkward. When he said yes, then I really got nervous because I didn’t know what to expect. Most things in life are based on appearances - I’ve been judged by my looks, clothes, lack of popularity, etc - that all came rushing back on me. 

On the way there, my friend starts to tell me that Bob has deformed hands and feet. She didn’t really tell me anything about him but kept saying he’s a great guy and helps so many people. Everybody loves him she kept saying. 

We finally arrive at my friend’s house and his car is already there. He’s waiting in the kitchen with his arms crossed over his chest... he’s ready to defend himself from any hurt or rejection. All I can see is his beautiful blue eyes, the kind that can pierce your heart and make a person stop in their tracks. I instantly hugged him like I’d known him for years. It was amazing! We were both so nervous but the rest of the evening was good. We talked and he showed me around the area. 

I still didn’t know anything really about his muscle disease until after we had been married. His disease is called “Charcot Marie Tooth” . His family hardly talked about it and I had to pry information from him. On January 12, 2019 we will be married for 23 years. We have a 20 year old daughter. Bob has been one of the best gifts I have. He taught me to speak up and how to be more compassionate. It’s a work in progress when two people are in poor health. We get annoyed with each other of course, but we are sticking together. 

I didn’t share this to sound like a saint or anything like that. We both have frailties. People have told me they never expected him to get married and have a kid. Others have asked me why I wanted to be married to a guy like that, or that he must make pretty good money because he had nothing else to offer. Actually, I feel sorry for people who have that viewpoint because they limit themselves in their love for others. He’s had to take care of me during surgeries and other health crisis. He’s been unemployed most of our married life as his disability progresses. I help him get dressed and his in a wheelchair now, he’s lost his hearing and is cranky often. It doesn’t matter in the long run...

I hope that you each find a person who values you as an individual. We all have worth and our lives are too precious to just give to anyone. I’m not saying it’s easy by any means, just please don’t think it’s impossible. 

BTW - my daughter is going thru something right now too. I see her pain...

Sorry for the long post

 

No apologies necessary..Thank you for sharing such a beautiful and inspirational story!

Edited by LonelyHiker
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14 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

That's how I feel too. I need to keep telling myself that I am OK with it but deep down I am not, I don't think the desire for companionship can be completely eliminated. Still, it's easier to accept it than to keep struggling, it's a futile fight. 

I'm not going to accept it.  Next year I will put full effort into finding someone.  I'm calling next year my last stand.  I'm going to put everything I have left into that year.  It will be my best year or my last year and nothing in between.  

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Like Sales people. I probably got conned to go over my spending limit recently on a pair of eyeglasses. I wanted to buy hard plastic one but ended up w/ wired glasses. they look nice but part of me felt like was this really worth it? Out of topic i think but i ended up taking the advice of the sales person.

Beauty is subjective and it depend on what someone thinks as beauty. Beauty can be a pretty face, and or someone who is beauty in character. hate to be negative but there are those that use such beauty to their advantage.

I know of a person for example in a game, who is rather charming and friendly to people. Guys tend to be attracted to hearing a girls voice while in game. Mostly guys would follow her in game or whatsoever and even join her clan group. Many times guys in a game would give stuff to girls they are smitten of. And the term” e-date” is used. Lol. some go too far off to even give acct access. That can lead to complications like getting hacked and stuff stolen. Some ppl can be desperate to jump in a relationship.

 

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5 hours ago, Stand_alone said:

That can lead to complications like getting hacked and stuff stolen. 

Or getting cyberstalked, which is awful and frightening. In gaming communities, individuals spend so much time together and work at goals together, friendships and romances are bound to form. Many gamers are antisocial in other aspects of their lives so what they do have online they cherish. I've seen several friendships become couples who then eventually marry. They believed they were irredeemably single before meeting their mate behind a game avatar. But my experience with gaming and romance was very different and deeply disturbing. 

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6 hours ago, Stand_alone said:

Guys tend to be attracted to hearing a girls voice while in game.

Or a female avatar 😛 I used to have one for a game because I thought it was more fun to modify and dress the character, I'd constantly get creepy messages from guys and would have to tell them to back off, I'm a dude, lol. If I didn't say anything they'd get super possessive and stalker-ish. Don't even want to know how bad it is for women who play games and use a mic. 

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13 minutes ago, sober4life said:

There have been people here that showed interest in me because they thought I was the one in my avatar.

Sad... This is supposed to be a safe environment, not a dating platform. Guys can be such pigs. Sure, sometimes feelings can develop for other users and last year I was actually approached by someone who told me she kinda had a crush on me after reading many of my posts and that I'm perfectly fine with because it wasn't creepy and she wasn't pushy in any way, she just wanted to get it off her chest so she could move on. But looking at someone's avatar and going like "hey, she looks hot, I want to hit that" ugh... 

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On 12/23/2018 at 8:23 AM, sober4life said:

I have no trouble falling in love.  I fall in love way too easily and become way too attached way too quick.  I feel I need love to survive.  Everyone thinks that person is too wacky and they run for the hills.  That's been my story.

This is 100% my story as well. The problem is, when I found someone *exactly* like me; someone who would actually get it, I ran just like everyone does from me.

The more I think about the past the more I realize how many mistakes I made. Crap.

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55 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Sad... This is supposed to be a safe environment, not a dating platform. Guys can be such pigs. Sure, sometimes feelings can develop for other users and last year I was actually approached by someone who told me she kinda had a crush on me after reading many of my posts and that I'm perfectly fine with because it wasn't creepy and she wasn't pushy in any way, she just wanted to get it off her chest so she could move on. But looking at someone's avatar and going like "hey, she looks hot, I want to hit that" ugh... 

I feel perfectly safe here.  It's not any big deal for me really.  It was too much for a while I guess but I'll be ok.

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26 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I feel perfectly safe here.  It's not any big deal for me really.  It was too much for a while I guess but I'll be ok.

Hey, guys all of us got to try to live right where we are.  Life might not get any better for

any of us but we got to try to live the best life we can even if it means having to live without

some of our needs we really would love to have in our lives.  I wish not but the best for everyone

as we approach the New Year of 2019.  

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Yeah, it’s creepier if you start adding them on FB and what else. I am very closed off and have online trust issues. Iv’e only added long time online friends.I had my share of encounters of guys in game. This guy gets upset if I dont dm him instantly and every day.

Sometimes you can tell if a person is really a guy or a woman by behavior and diction.

I watched a netflix movie last night of a romantic film, basically this guy who got dumped went through drunken depression fell in love with this women’s beauty and king gesture, that he started stalking and becomes like a guardian angel. It’s cute yet it could be creepy if this is reality.

It’s way creepier if you meet a stalking type person irl. The game hosts this annual convention. A friend went and met friends there. She became close to this guy, they be came a couple ,I believe, during the days meeting each other. He even joined her clan. Her FB status changed to couple, tho claims the guy did it. As time passes, it became one-sided and the friend lost interest of him. She said he is too clingy. Then the following year, the mom invited the guy over the whole summer, but she didn’t want to see him anymore. Mom wants her to have a boyfriend. So, her summer was literal hell. It took the summer to get him and her mom to understand she sees him as friends. It turned out bad he ended fighting the mom over private time. They are continents apart and thus different cultures, and he’s a stalker. 

 

I remember in skype video, she always had to barricade her door w/ her bed. I saw the handle open too. It was scary like watching the a horror movie. He would look through her computer and phone.

Depending who you talk to, the friend will deny they dated and have only been friends, but guy say they were a couple.  After the summer, she rather ignores him although he’s still in the same clan.

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44 minutes ago, Stand_alone said:

I watched a netflix movie last night of a romantic film, basically this guy who got dumped went through drunken depression fell in love with this women’s beauty and king gesture, that he started stalking and becomes like a guardian angel. It’s cute yet it could be creepy if this is reality.

Seems to be a common theme in movies. Just thinking of how often they show a guy crossing all kind of personal and social boundaries to conquer a woman and then against all odds she falls in love with him and forgives any inappropriate behavior, lol. In reality some of those things would be super creepy, stalkerish or even illegal. 

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 12/22/2018 at 2:00 PM, desperateloser said:

There's no point in ignoring the gravity of the situation. Welcome to the real world! People are also judging through ugliness. Have you ever met people who look at your face with a cynical look? We live it every day. Life isn't all cakes and ale, it's not as innocent as you think. The person who is aware of this has developed himself on other subjects, yet he still feels disillusioned when he sees how many empty people are being held.

Please don't start your tales of self-confidence. Because when people judge us from the very beginning, we cannot find any way to show that self-confidence. I'm a little more lucky because I've given much importance to communication since a young age. I know who the shit is now, the look - I know what the words mean, but still the strange gaze of people remain.

Hey honey.  I'll stay in delusion sweetie because I feel horrible on the inside and out--but in my imaginations and dreams, somebody loves me and I hang onto that.  Or, somebody will love me one day, dang maybe I will love and find myself acceptable--I don't know.  Honey I completely understand what you're saying and even agree.  But in some moments I try to imagine that I win, one win, someone finds me acceptable, likable... I can dream about it.  I dream A LOT.  My tales of self-confidence?  Honey they're my dreams, it's all I got..  And I'm not debating, I reluctantly agree with you..

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 12/20/2018 at 10:32 PM, HeatherG said:

I think, believe we're all lovable..  My humble opinion.

It just depends on what you mean by “lovable”. If you mean that the vast majority of us mean something special to somebody, then certainly yes, most of us are lovable (i.e. my little 10 year old niece thinks the world of me). But if you mean that all of us have potential romantic partners out there waiting for us, this is most definitely not the case unfortunately. I’m not saying this to be pessimistic or negative, I’m genuinely speaking in understood science here. Let me explain...

In the natural world (i.e. the world we live in) there is a phenomenon known as natural selection. Natural selection is not a tangible “thing” or a “force”. It’s merely the name we give to the struggle and fight for organisms to survive and procreate. Imagine a population of fish with a wide variance in traits (genes). Some members of the population have dull grey gills that make them blend with the ocean floor, while others in the population have shiny gills that make them stand out. When the shark comes along to hunt for lunch, the fish with shiny gills that stand out to the shark’s eyes will get picked off first, while the grey-gilled fish survive. The grey-gilled fish therefore get to pass on their genes, and thus the good genes have been selected for. This process of natural selection is true across all species including humans.

Thousands and millions of years ago before the advent of modern egalitarian human societies, humans had to deal with the full force of natural selection just like every other animal. There were no elderly, overweight, unhealthy, sickly, or weak people back then because being any of those things meant you would die. Hence, natural selection. If you don’t have the genes that promote survival, you don’t survive, and this is natures way of getting rid of the good genes, and promoting the furtherance of the better genes.

[DF Admin note: some content removed due to sexist or misogynist tones/expressions]

so to conclude, once you’ve learned the facts of what’s really going on in the world and you have no delusions about it, it can no longer be seen as the world we were all raised to believe it was. The world where “anyone can do anything they set their minds to” and where “everyone has a special someone out there waiting for them”. This is a fantasy world that simply does not comport with the real world. The death rate today would be astronomical if not for the advent of modern, egalitarian society where there is technology and security. You can be a weak, low IQ, overweight, or some other unhealthy undesirable individual in todays world and still survive because of the safe modern world we’ve created wherein the weak links in human populations don’t get what they would’ve once had coming to them by natural selection. Therefore, since the people with poor genetics are now able to survive instead of die, there are a lot of lonely, undesirable people in the world who will never find partners/love, [some content removed]

I hope this made sense to you. Take care.

Edited by 20YearsandCounting
remove sexist/misogynist content
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To I Should Die,

Honey, I live in fantasy land, it's the way I hold on.  You've got a couple comments about women, and I'm not going to defend them.  You maybe right, but me being a female I tend to defend or correct people on their descriptions of women.  Look, I get it, I truly do.  I'm a dreamer, in my dark world, I have to dream.  To admit what's really going on, might destroy me.  So, I dream, I dream away.  "Female nature still searches for the best males"?  Um, okay, but not all women?  Just like I would hope all men aren't looking for hot chicks, right?  Not all, maybe many.  I'm not looking for love, that' never been my aim or destination.  I just want someone, a friend, to be kind to me.  So, I keep dreaming.  I like dreaming.  I hope you find a way to hold on too...

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14 minutes ago, HeatherG said:

To I Should Die,

Honey, I live in fantasy land, it's the way I hold on.  You've got a couple comments about women, and I'm not going to defend them.  You maybe right, but me being a female I tend to defend or correct people on their descriptions of women.  Look, I get it, I truly do.  I'm a dreamer, in my dark world, I have to dream.  To admit what's really going on, might destroy me.  So, I dream, I dream away.  "Female nature still searches for the best males"?  Um, okay, but not all women?  Just like I would hope all men aren't looking for hot chicks, right?  Not all, maybe many.  I'm not looking for love, that' never been my aim or destination.  I just want someone, a friend, to be kind to me.  So, I keep dreaming.  I like dreaming.  I hope you find a way to hold on too...

This reminds me of a 27 year old letter 

my wife just found in her drawer from 

me when I was confused on what to do 

about her and the other girl I was dating 

but wasn’t sure if I should walk away from

a not so good relationship with her.  Or

to start another new one with her.  

Well over 27 years ago I chose right to

walk away and to start a new life with her.

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