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desperateloser

The moment you realize that no one will fall in love with you

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18 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm not putting full effort into finding someone right now.  Right now until the end of the year I'm taking care of myself and enjoying/surviving the holidays.  Starting January until my birthday in March I will put full effort into finding someone and I expect to find someone.  If I'm not celebrating with someone I love on my birthday I will take my last drink and that will be the last day I waste on this planet.  It's as simple as that.  The lights will be shut off for the last time.

On the first paragraph, I'm with you I want to work on me because at the moment, I feel as if I don't have much to offer a partner. It's not possible to for me to date when my confidence is so abysmal. 

On the other half of your statement, well I'm hoping the best outcome in your efforts. And of not then at least we will have a little time to convince you it's worth hanging around. 

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I'll never be well enough for a relationship.  I'm not ever going to be a good choice for anyone.  Love is the only thing that will save me now.  Yeah people will think I'm crazy for saying that right along with every single other person that has ever known me.  I've never been told I'm a normal person that's for sure.  I'm just this manbearpig type freak and after 40 years of it I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of being thrown away by society and treated like a stray dog!  I want to be loved and treated like a human being for the first time in my life.

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16 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I'll never be well enough for a relationship.  I'm not ever going to be a good choice for anyone.  Love is the only thing that will save me now.  Yeah people will think I'm crazy for saying that right along with every single other person that has ever known me.  I've never been told I'm a normal person that's for sure.  I'm just this manbearpig type freak and after 40 years of it I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of being thrown away by society and treated like a stray dog!  I want to be loved and treated like a human being for the first time in my life.

My friend, you might not believe this but in relationships you have to constantly give up things so that you can try to make the  other person happy or content.  This is what happened to Adam. He had to do this with Eve in the garden.  So be careful wanting a relationship because you might have to give up more than what you are willing to give up to make the other person happy.

Adam gave up his Freedom and his way of life for a much more difficult and harder way of living.  When he had it made without the relationship.  I wish you nothing but the best in trying to find you a suitable mate for you.

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On 12/21/2018 at 6:32 AM, HeatherG said:

I think, believe we're all lovable..  My humble opinion.

There's no point in ignoring the gravity of the situation. Welcome to the real world! People are also judging through ugliness. Have you ever met people who look at your face with a cynical look? We live it every day. Life isn't all cakes and ale, it's not as innocent as you think. The person who is aware of this has developed himself on other subjects, yet he still feels disillusioned when he sees how many empty people are being held.

Please don't start your tales of self-confidence. Because when people judge us from the very beginning, we cannot find any way to show that self-confidence. I'm a little more lucky because I've given much importance to communication since a young age. I know who the shit is now, the look - I know what the words mean, but still the strange gaze of people remain.

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The honest sad truth is the whole world really is against some people.  It starts with an abusive childhood with abusive parents and being bullied at school and it continues throughout life.  Some people for whatever reason are targeted by everyone and treated horribly their whole lives.  For some people there is no hope.  It's over the day they are born.  Finding love isn't possible because nobody gives them a chance in any area of their lives.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

The honest sad truth is the whole world really is against some people.  It starts with an abusive childhood with abusive parents and being bullied at school and it continues throughout life.  Some people for whatever reason are targeted by everyone and treated horribly their whole lives.  For some people there is no hope.  It's over the day they are born.  Finding love isn't possible because nobody gives them a chance in any area of their lives.

I believe it. Looking back all i see is me doing the pursuit desperate to be loved and adored only to find false love that lead to being used, abused and taken advantage of.  I use to have hope but now that im close to 55 and living alone for sometime now. I've given up and see myself being alone for the rest of my life

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I know that feeling too. I feel I could never fall in love. My past relationship which was a long time ago I felt it was just physical attraction which is not good. I feel now I am incapable or scared. I don’t think I am an undesireable person. I am older now, I accepted my fate as a lone woman. And I don’t trust using online as a platform to find a relationship. It’s kinda fkd up ppl will do to lure ppl in game for their own benefit. 

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I have no trouble falling in love.  I fall in love way too easily and become way too attached way too quick.  I feel I need love to survive.  Everyone thinks that person is too wacky and they run for the hills.  That's been my story.

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6 hours ago, Stand_alone said:

I know that feeling too. I feel I could never fall in love. My past relationship which was a long time ago I felt it was just physical attraction which is not good. I feel now I am incapable or scared. I don’t think I am an undesireable person. I am older now, I accepted my fate as a lone woman. And I don’t trust using online as a platform to find a relationship. It’s kinda fkd up ppl will do to lure ppl in game for their own benefit. 

Hear hear! I've had my share of fkdup men from online dating who only see the outside and want a quickie on our first meet for coffee, his excuse was "I want to find out if we are compatible" WTF I told him he can go to the bar for a quickie! And I'm no town bike and have self-respect. 

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That's one good thing I'll never have to worry about meeting someone toxic because there will never be anyone good or bad again.  There will never be anyone.

Edited by sober4life

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I’m gonna go out on a limb here and relate how things can be different. I’ve read the following posts about being unloved and feeling like nobody would want us. This might be true but then again, it might be the opposite. Here’s our story. 

My husband has had a very difficult upbringing. His parents divorce before he was 6 yrs old. His dad apparently was a violent person, but my husband never talks badly about him. His mom had a muscle disease which was passed on to my husband, Bob. He was bullied in school which caused him to get into fights and turn to drugs in order to cope. Years later he cleaned up his life and made some changes.

One of my friends told me about this guy that worked on their cars. He wanted to date and asked if she had any friends from her hometown that he might be able to get to know. I was totally against talking to a guy I’ve never met in person. For me, I thought I must be pretty pathetic if someone is trying to set me up with some guy in another state. I didn’t want to date, all the guys I knew were and are still complete jerks.

To get her off my back, I consented to one letter. In it he told me about himself a little. I felt obligated to reply and that was the beginning of a four month correspondence between us. We ran up our phone bills to over $500 and he sent me videos of his place, his dogs, and his town. I hadn’t even seen his picture, but sent him one of myself. 

During our conversations I explained that I’m not interested in dating as a social outlet. I was almost 30 yrs old and I was dating with the eventual outcome of marriage. I had my heart stomped on before and I’m not willing to let it happen again. We agreed to continue speaking on the phone. 

I had an unexpected opportunity to travel back to his town with my friend. I was frightened about actually meeting him face to face but I asked his opinion on it and there was a long pause...I thought, he really doesn’t want to meet me after all. I was really scared that I was going to look foolish or it would be so awkward. When he said yes, then I really got nervous because I didn’t know what to expect. Most things in life are based on appearances - I’ve been judged by my looks, clothes, lack of popularity, etc - that all came rushing back on me. 

On the way there, my friend starts to tell me that Bob has deformed hands and feet. She didn’t really tell me anything about him but kept saying he’s a great guy and helps so many people. Everybody loves him she kept saying. 

We finally arrive at my friend’s house and his car is already there. He’s waiting in the kitchen with his arms crossed over his chest... he’s ready to defend himself from any hurt or rejection. All I can see is his beautiful blue eyes, the kind that can pierce your heart and make a person stop in their tracks. I instantly hugged him like I’d known him for years. It was amazing! We were both so nervous but the rest of the evening was good. We talked and he showed me around the area. 

I still didn’t know anything really about his muscle disease until after we had been married. His disease is called “Charcot Marie Tooth” . His family hardly talked about it and I had to pry information from him. On January 12, 2019 we will be married for 23 years. We have a 20 year old daughter. Bob has been one of the best gifts I have. He taught me to speak up and how to be more compassionate. It’s a work in progress when two people are in poor health. We get annoyed with each other of course, but we are sticking together. 

I didn’t share this to sound like a saint or anything like that. We both have frailties. People have told me they never expected him to get married and have a kid. Others have asked me why I wanted to be married to a guy like that, or that he must make pretty good money because he had nothing else to offer. Actually, I feel sorry for people who have that viewpoint because they limit themselves in their love for others. He’s had to take care of me during surgeries and other health crisis. He’s been unemployed most of our married life as his disability progresses. I help him get dressed and his in a wheelchair now, he’s lost his hearing and is cranky often. It doesn’t matter in the long run...

I hope that you each find a person who values you as an individual. We all have worth and our lives are too precious to just give to anyone. I’m not saying it’s easy by any means, just please don’t think it’s impossible. 

BTW - my daughter is going thru something right now too. I see her pain...

Sorry for the long post

 

Edited by MollieMcdoodlesMom

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12 hours ago, MollieMcdoodlesMom said:

Sorry for the long post

Shouldn't be. It's well worth reading and on topic, thanks for sharing. There's a lot of affirmations in your story.

You met your future husband, who you'd never seen before and lived in a different town, because he fixed your friend's car? Such a random turn of events doesn't enter into my thinking when my mind sings hopeless stories to me about my prospects for love. Why is that? My mind is capable of imagining all manner of crazy things happening to me, so help me most of them are bad. 

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Yes her story sounds like a love story that would be on a movie.  I have to go out later on today and I so desperately want something like this to happen to me.  I would give anything for something like this to happen to me.

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I think loving yourself, being confident with yourself is the #1 priority before you go searching for someone else to have a serious relationship. Otherwise you might fall into the wrong person who will take advantage of your need/want to be with them, and you will do anything to please them. You don’t want that.

Shitty genes in terms of what? Are you calling yourself not good looking? Beauty is subjective. And many other things count far more than beauty..

 

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6 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

I think loving yourself, being confident with yourself is the #1 priority before you go searching for someone else to have a serious relationship. Otherwise you might fall into the wrong person who will take advantage of your need/want to be with them, and you will do anything to please them. You don’t want that.

Shitty genes in terms of what? Are you calling yourself not good looking? Beauty is subjective. And many other things count far more than beauty..

 

Beauty isn't a relative concept, at least when it is dedicated to human beings.

I don't know if there is any research about this, but the nice aesthetic understanding of people with high iq levels is definitely more consistent than other people. You can say what has to do with the level of intelligence. Beauty is a clear thing.

It feeds on symmetry and small details.

Edited by desperateloser

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2 minutes ago, desperateloser said:

Beauty isn't a relative concept, at least when it is dedicated to human beings.

I tend to agree with that. There are some objectively beautiful people who are considered desirable by just about everyone and contrary to what many claim, it's not just about being brainwashed by the media. Preferences for things like weight might change based on cultural values but other things such a preference for bodily proportion and symmetry are pretty much universal throughout different cultures and history. 

Of course this does not mean that people who aren't beautiful are doomed, like @ladysmurf pointed out there are a lot of other factors that play into it or humanity would be extinct by now. 

If looks is an issue try to work on your other qualities. When we're depressed it's tempting to just blame our looks but the fact is that our depression makes us WAY more unattractive than our physical deficits. Sure, someone gorgeous will probably be able to get a date even if they're extremely depressed but all this means is that the other person is shallow and is only looking for sex. Probably not what any of us want either, not in the long term anyway, being desired would be fun at first but at some point you want the other person to respect and like you for who you are. 

The real question is, would you be willing to be with someone who isn't physically attractive but is otherwise a great person?

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I think all of us have a certain type of person we are attracted to as far as looks go but it's different for everyone of us.  We have all been conned by people that sell beauty products and health products into believing we all are attracted to the same type of people which is nonsense!

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99 %of this is perceptions of ourselves. Like Rich said, I was in a relationship with a pretty blonde when I was young, and I spent the whole time with her wondering what the hell she was doing with me. Of course that didn't last. I had zero confidence, and would still be alone if a woman didn't take the lead and decide I belonged to her. That hasn't exactly been ideal either, but it's better than loneliness. Looking back on my younger pictures, I was a good looking guy, but I thought I was disgusting.

That has improved over time, but too little too late.

People like Desperate Loser and I are way too introspective for our own good. I too have existential questions that can never be answered. Best to not go there.

I've spent lots of time convincing myself I'm not so bad, but when I really needed it, in my 20's, that realization wasn't there.

So, if you're in that spot, give yourself a break.

No one looks like a model on a magazine cover. Even those models (without Photoshop).

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17 hours ago, desperateloser said:

Beauty isn't a relative concept, at least when it is dedicated to human beings.

I don't know if there is any research about this, but the nice aesthetic understanding of people with high iq levels is definitely more consistent than other people. You can say what has to do with the level of intelligence. Beauty is a clear thing.

It feeds on symmetry and small details.

yes but we all are attracted to different things, if we were all the same it would be a boring WORLD in my honest opinion... males with nice bodies, who were wealthy with their fancy cars, promised me the world, but i always ignored them. that's not who i want to end up with ..other things are attractive to me ..most importantly, if i were to get involved again i would look for a guy who understands mental illness and does not run away if i have a break down or relapse.. which happens quite frequently in relationships. but at this point i'd rather be alone. i'm happier this way.

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16 hours ago, sober4life said:

I think all of us have a certain type of person we are attracted to as far as looks go but it's different for everyone of us.  We have all been conned by people that sell beauty products and health products into believing we all are attracted to the same type of people which is nonsense!

exactly!!! everyone likes and needs different things. i agree with you. and believe me those people who are selling those products , do you really think they are happy? i think half of them are miserable and living a lie..

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