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lp44

It needs to matter

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This post will likely ramble.  I'm going to go shopping to distract myself shortly but I guess I need a place to put it all.

My grief today feels so overwhelming.

In the past little over a year....I  chose to go to residential treatment for an eating disorder. (humbling experience let me tell ya...but something I knew I needed to do after 3 decades with an ed and never having sought treatment)  I stepped into the unknown partially to stop and have peace long enough to find a fraction of value in myself...and to live for a moment in a safe environment in which to give myself permission to make the hard decision that I knew I needed to make but had been struggling for two years with)

I ended my 22 year marriage.  No one had an affair but I couldn't live in toxicity anymore.  I couldn't live with a bully anymore.  I couldn't live with emotional abuse anymore.

Insert losing 95% of my friend base (he was a prominent figure in our little world)

Letters of judgement...emails...calls....I am "out of sight and out of mind" to most everyone....forgotten...tho I had 20 years of service to the community of people we were a part of. 

The last year has been flooded with overwhelming grief the likes of which I have never...and will likely never experience again.

Depression. Anxiety. Relapse. Im better as far as the ed is concerned, but not where I need to be.  Ive about decided "this is as good as it gets"  IDK  I feel so defeated.

I am a fighter. I am a survivor.  I have fought. I have had help.  I don't know where to go from here. 

This past year has been so hard.  The holidays of course feel like this blanket of sorrow and sometimes a bit of happiness....that honestly just make depression worse even if you try to find hope.

I can't have worked so hard for it to end like this.  I don't know what else to do

I feel like...in my real life world....although I am trying to keep my kids together that it would not matter in the least if I crash and burn.  I feel like my imprint on the world has been meaningless.

 

 

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Oh, I so feel for you. I know what it is like to have a really hard year. You are not alone. I have been in this place before and it was like everything that had mattered in my life was stripped away and the emptiness was awful. Slowly new healthier things started coming into my life and it was better than I had before. Yet the process is so uncomfortable. Hope that might encourage you some. As they say it is always darkest before the dawn. It sounds like you will get through this and I pray will have some new things and people come into your life for the better. Hang in there.

Edited by BeyondWeary

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It sounds like you have made great strides to get your life and eating disorder under control and put in a lot of hard work. I’m sorry about you losing friends over it and I can relate to the toxic environment of a marriage as you describe. That old saying “things will get worse before they get better” seems to ring true to me. Sometimes we know what we need to do in order to move forward in life even though how difficult it will be to go thru it. I admire you for taking that step. It seems like everything bad always hits at once. Try to look beyond your current circumstance and see what lies ahead. Your goal. Keep pressing forward. Things will improve, even if it’s little at a time. Stay strong. Stay focused. I wish you the best.

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On 11/20/2018 at 5:30 PM, BeyondWeary said:

Oh, I so feel for you. I know what it is like to have a really hard year. You are not alone. I have been in this place before and it was like everything that had mattered in my life was stripped away and the emptiness was awful. Slowly new healthier things started coming into my life and it was better than I had before. Yet the process is so uncomfortable. Hope that might encourage you some. As they say it is always darkest before the dawn. It sounds like you will get through this and I pray will have some new things and people come into your life for the better. Hang in there.

Thank you for your response. I appreciate it. The emptiness is pretty deep. The betrayal feels even worse tho. 

I hope it gets better soon. 

Thx. 

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On 11/22/2018 at 12:16 PM, MLJ said:

It sounds like you have made great strides to get your life and eating disorder under control and put in a lot of hard work. I’m sorry about you losing friends over it and I can relate to the toxic environment of a marriage as you describe. That old saying “things will get worse before they get better” seems to ring true to me. Sometimes we know what we need to do in order to move forward in life even though how difficult it will be to go thru it. I admire you for taking that step. It seems like everything bad always hits at once. Try to look beyond your current circumstance and see what lies ahead. Your goal. Keep pressing forward. Things will improve, even if it’s little at a time. Stay strong. Stay focused. I wish you the best.

Thank you for responding 😊

I have taken huge strides to own my life and set it on a better path.  So much struggle in doing that tho. It feels hard to keep trying. 

You're right... I do know what I need to do. I'm just so tired and it's hard to keep going. 

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