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20YearsandCounting

TA's "What's On Your Mind Right Now?" Thread, Part 2

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I’m thinking of what I should do today. It is my last day in New Orleans, and I realized I turned the entire trip into a big shopping spree. I haven’t visited a museum, or trekked to any particular historical landmark. I’ve also been reluctant to venture farther than ten minutes from my hotel for fear of getting lost again. 

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I want to run this past you guys for feedback on anxiety attacks.

During our session this morning, my T asked me if, in the midst of an anxiety attack, if I could calm myself down by acknowledging, in fact, I was doing a good job handling it.  My immediate response was that, no, the physical symptoms overrode any kind of cognitive considerations.

I can look back 24 hours later and perhaps consider how well I handled it, but even that's a stretch.  Hell, being a jumble of (painful) adrenaline coursing through my arms and legs isn't handling it, imo.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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11 hours ago, SqueezeWax said:

I’m thinking of what I should do today. It is my last day in New Orleans, and I realized I turned the entire trip into a big shopping spree. I haven’t visited a museum, or trekked to any particular historical landmark. I’ve also been reluctant to venture farther than ten minutes from my hotel for fear of getting lost again. 

That's pretty much what I would do.

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3 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

I want to run this past you guys for feedback on anxiety attacks.

During our session this morning, my T asked me if, in the midst of an anxiety attack, if I could calm myself down by acknowledging, in fact, I was doing a good job handling it.  My immediate response was that, no, the physical symptoms overrode any kind of cognitive considerations.

I can look back 24 hours later and perhaps consider how well I handled it, but even that's a stretch.  Hell, being a jumble of (painful) adrenaline coursing through my arms and legs isn't handling it, imo.

No I'm not able to do that.  You would have to be able to basically lower your blood pressure at will.  It's impossible.

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This is odd, but I hope I'm in good company.  Took me all night of second-guessing myself.  I finally took a deep breath and ordered the replacement lappy from Amazon as the sun came up!

I was detoured by the march of technology, such as no VGA connection on the lappy (welcome to the 21st century, Mark...lol), which posed a problem for my old panel from 2010.  Found a suitable HDMI adapter, but also started to consider a larger DIGITAL monitor.  Eventually, I put that thought to rest and just ordered the adapter to go with the new computer.

Heck, I'm amazed I followed through.  To bed now....

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7 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I turn on my computer and it works and use it much like I get in my car and turn it on and it goes and don't think beyond that.

Trust me.  You're not missing anything.  Being a geek will keep you up nights...hahaha

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I’m anxious about taking this flight to Albuquerque. My father saw me through to the gate for my flight to New Orleans. Now I am all by myself, doing this alone for the first time ever. I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing. I hate feeling like I am being poked and prodded and shuffled around, and I can’t stand being condescended to by irritable people. 

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35 minutes ago, SqueezeWax said:

I’m anxious about taking this flight to Albuquerque. My father saw me through to the gate for my flight to New Orleans. Now I am all by myself, doing this alone for the first time ever. I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing. I hate feeling like I am being poked and prodded and shuffled around, and I can’t stand being condescended to by irritable people. 

I will have to do it alone this summer.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  I've done it with other people but I never paid attention.  I hope it's not enough to talk me out of doing it.  My mind tells me well you know you can drive to Alaska.  It's almost convincing me driving from Ohio to Alaska will be easier than going through the airport process.

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14 minutes ago, sober4life said:

It's almost convincing me driving from Ohio to Alaska will be easier than going through the airport process.

OK, I changed my mind, you ARE crazy 😂 Airports can be a pain in the rear but still beats all those deer and moose that love running into cars  😛

Edited by lonelyforeigner

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3 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

OK, I changed my mind, you ARE crazy 😂 Airports can be a pain in the rear but still beats all those deer and moose that love running into cars  😛

I'm not worried about deer.  I live in rural Ohio.  If I drive on the road in front of my house for 10 miles at dark I will get to my aunt's house.  By the time I get to her house I will see at least 50 deer.

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34 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I'm not worried about deer.  I live in rural Ohio.  If I drive on the road in front of my house for 10 miles at dark I will get to my aunt's house.  By the time I get to her house I will see at least 50 deer.

How do you spell contentment ( deer Tenderloins)  :cheesy:

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm not worried about deer.  I live in rural Ohio.  If I drive on the road in front of my house for 10 miles at dark I will get to my aunt's house.  By the time I get to her house I will see at least 50 deer.

Battle-hardened... I used to have a friend who lived out in the woods, I hated driving there at night. All those homing-missiles with their glowing eyes, lol. Luckily I never hit one 😎

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3 minutes ago, Epictetus said:

My mind is kind of a blank [in a good kind of way].

Sometimes having a blank mind is a good thing when nothing is going on especially from the Twilight Zone 

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8 hours ago, sober4life said:

I will have to do it alone this summer.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  I've done it with other people but I never paid attention.  I hope it's not enough to talk me out of doing it.  My mind tells me well you know you can drive to Alaska.  It's almost convincing me driving from Ohio to Alaska will be easier than going through the airport process.

The drive through Canada is gorgeous. We broke down in the middle of nowhere Canada and the people were so nice. If given the chance to of a road trip through Canada or flying I'd take the road trip and try to drag it out. 

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One of those musings while (unsuccessfully) trying to fall asleep.

As I've recovered from the anxiety attacks that started a week ago and made progress on so many daunting tasks related to closing out Mom's apartment and resolving the bricked lappy, I suddenly noticed how things are becoming quieter...and manageable.

The closeout has gone more smoothly than I could have imagined. I've dropped of half a dozen boxes of sh#t to charity, have another in place to take the furniture Monday, have someone lined up to clean the place Tuesday.  Meanwhile, my IT guy was able to recover data from the bricked lappy.  I was able to configure and order a replacement at a nicely discounted price that will be a significant improvement in performance.  And just Friday night, a neighbor offered his battery charger to get Mom's car up and running so I can get it to CarMax to sell it.

Now, yes, that's A LOT of stuff.  And I'm tired.  BUT I've been completely free of Mom's insane, self-induced daily dramas.   Put another way and for contrast, when I was heavily involved in her caregiving a few months ago, it put me in the hospital for a week with a couple months to recover.  If that isn't tangible proof of toxicity, I don't know what is.

 

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Thinking about how this disease (depression) institutionalizes you...which isn't surprising, given that depression is a prison of sorts.

Social interactions in the "normal" , i.e., non-depressed, world become akin to trying to speak Mandarin in reverse in a room full of people who only understand Farsi. 

The simplest person-to-person transactions are like trying to solve differential equations blindfolded while the numbers randomly change every ten seconds.

 

 

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