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How Do You Feel Right Now #9


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46 minutes ago, salparadise6132 said:

Drank too much last night and today I'm wonder-less.

I think that's what depression is for me, just a total lack of wonder.

When I was drinking last night I was rapt with delight at the simple sound of me bending a string on my guitar and adding a little vibrato.

Today, Mozart could have come back from the grave and taught me how to play all his greatest piano concertos to perfection and I wouldn't have given a tinker's damn.

I used to feel that way happier and more alive drinking and doing lots of things really.  I swear one day on the same day everything stopped working.  I used to enjoy a lot of things but nothing works anymore.  Nothing makes me happy and nothing makes me feel alive anymore.  Nothing.  I don't remember what happiness even feels like anymore.  It's been years since I've even given a genuine smile.  Most of the time I'm bitter and angry and disgusted with everything.

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22 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I used to feel that way happier and more alive drinking and doing lots of things really.  I swear one day on the same day everything stopped working.  I used to enjoy a lot of things but nothing works anymore.  Nothing makes me happy and nothing makes me feel alive anymore.  Nothing.  I don't remember what happiness even feels like anymore.  It's been years since I've even given a genuine smile.  Most of the time I'm bitter and angry and disgusted with everything.

Sums it up for me as well...the world has become my tomb and I'm a corpse that hasn't figured how to just lay down and die already..

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On 12/29/2018 at 12:22 PM, Floor2017 said:

You are so right and it’s so hard to try to understand why is this happening to me.  Nobody, wants to be like that and so many people don’t understand or care about you as you are go through this suffering  

Yes it's so confusing when one day, you can socialise and the other day, you can't 😞 I know your pain. I had many friends ditch me and ignore me because of my suffering. If they were true friends, they wouldn't leave!

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Ill.

Had to visit the hospital today for intense stomach pain. Luckily they sent me home with a batch of pills and said to come back in a couple of days if there is no change. I hate hospitals. I have had this before a few years ago and the meds worked just fine then. 

If they don't, I might have to have the inflamed part of my intestines surgically    removed. That would pretty much Ffk up the beginning of next year.

So yeah, I feel ill and like crap.

 

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I feel fine now. But give it a little bit. I have 4 kids 2 which I haven’t seen since my wife and I got married. I have panic attacks everyday, and my wife is running thin because of it. She doesn’t know what to do anymore and to be frank neither do I. I’ve been to different doctors and all the blood tests are negative. So now I’ve been seeing a couch doctor and a Psychologist, (well one can prescribe meds and the other can’t.) they always want to put you on an SSRIs and I don’t think I’m depressed. Well at the time I wasn’t. But having these attacks everyday is making me feel like I’m going crazy and losing control. I just don’t know what to do anymore! 

 

Thanks for listening.

may we all find Jesus Christ our lord and savior!

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Doing better than I thot I would this morning.  Half a Xanax helped, I'm certain.

Fitful night's sleep - three horu-long interruptions - anxiety about the stuff to be done to get Mom to assisted living by Friday.  Pretty sure that NOT setting an alarm let my body get the sleep it needed.

I'm tackling only the sh#t I'm good at - financials, logistics - and delegating the rest, especially Mom's cray-cray, to others.  I'm actually considering that breaking up work days into only M, W, F this week will keep me sane.

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1 hour ago, Ohio said:

I feel fine now. But give it a little bit. I have 4 kids 2 which I haven’t seen since my wife and I got married. I have panic attacks everyday, and my wife is running thin because of it. She doesn’t know what to do anymore and to be frank neither do I. I’ve been to different doctors and all the blood tests are negative. So now I’ve been seeing a couch doctor and a Psychologist, (well one can prescribe meds and the other can’t.) they always want to put you on an SSRIs and I don’t think I’m depressed. Well at the time I wasn’t. But having these attacks everyday is making me feel like I’m going crazy and losing control. I just don’t know what to do anymore! 

 

Thanks for listening.

may we all find Jesus Christ our lord and savior!

Well my friend hang in there and continue to pray for strength to overcome these obstacles that are coming up against you and don’t be afraid to take medications if your medical provider thinks it is best for you.  As we get older our bodies begin to go through changes and we have to be willing to adapt to these changes or fall by the way side of despair. 

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Terrible. I went to bed late as usual, and then a few hours later when I was in a deep sleep my husband woke me up about something and then I was up for hours in intense pain. And the longer I was up and in pain and feeling resentful, the more I started reflecting on something he said that made me angry hours earlier and then I started ruminating on lots of things and getting myself more and more angry and upset. At one point I was just straight up crying in anger and frustration. I finally fell back asleep for a few hours, but even now I'm still in a lot of pain that I know would be less severe if I had slept well. And I'm just in a crap mood that I can't get rid of. I'm so frustrated with everything, that I'm always fantasizing about making a run for it. I wish I had the means to pack a bag and go off somewhere away from everyone for a while, or even just never come back. 

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Woke up to my cousin texting me that her mom was in the hospital after having a stroke. Terrible way to start/end the year and I massively hope it is not an omen of what this year holds in store.

Wanted to be productive today but moving at a snail's pace. Can't focus.

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It’s New Year’s Eve. I am in NYC with my fiancé and many friends at a concert. It’s been phenomenal so far! One more show tonight then we head home tomorrow. I’m having a blast. The band is on fire!!! 

So in looking back, I am very thankful for where I am today. I have my fiancé and some amazing friends to thank for all my happiness this last year, plus many other blessings that occurred. 

I have a long way to go due to my anxieties, work stress and fears though, but I am going to work hard on conquering them this year. My anxiety is my greatest downfall. I really want to feel better this year when it comes to my work. I am going to enjoy tonight though and will think about this more into the new year. I have some big challenges ahead but I want to overcome them with strength, determinination and fortitude.  

So here’s to having strength and fortitude in the new year!! 

Hugs and much love to all. 

 

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Survived Monday.  Though it doesn't feel like the end of the year, just another week.

Knocked off more of a sh#tload of stuff than I expected on moving Mom.  Even deposited a check she'd received...and, for once, hadn't lost.  (As an aside, that five-figure check she lost, and on which I'd put a stop, magically showed up in a new pile of her papers...hahaha).

After a meeting with the facility and a few emails, looks like everything's in place for the Friday move.  I can handle this sh#t in doses.  Nevertheless, it wore me out and I'm headed for a nap.

Tomorrow's MINE.  Yay!

It's gonna be an adjustment, as the facility manager mentioned, for ME to wind down after a year of this and, again as he put it, to get MY life back.

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I have to learn to control my anger and pick my battles in life.  I can't constantly be angry or I'm going to have a heart attack.  It only truly affects me because this is a world that doesn't really care.  So many people have tested my anger since mom has went to the hospital and passed away.  People are really terrible.  Soliciting work after someone dies.  Pestering you for weeks or months trying to sell a grave stone or trying to offer counseling.  They have no empathy whatsoever.  They just keep coming and coming.  I will die before I get counseling from anyone that won't leave me alone during this time.  I will make my own grave stone if I have to before I will ever get a stone from someone that bugs me to get one!

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5 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Pestering you for weeks or months trying to sell a grave stone or trying to offer counseling.  They have no empathy whatsoever.

It's just sad. CBC News did an investigation on funeral homes and it is nauseating how they will try to exploit people's emotions to make some easy money by selling them super expensive caskets with a HUGE markup.

Here they have an even more disgusting scam: fake companies screening the obituaries and then sending out collection letters for services that were never provided hoping that the relatives taking care of deceased's affairs will be too distracted to notice and simply pay them.

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56 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:

It's just sad. CBC News did an investigation on funeral homes and it is nauseating how they will try to exploit people's emotions to make some easy money by selling them super expensive caskets with a HUGE markup.

Here they have an even more disgusting scam: fake companies screening the obituaries and then sending out collection letters for services that were never provided hoping that the relatives taking care of deceased's affairs will be too distracted to notice and simply pay them.

Another thing that bothered me was when mom was in the hospital and every day I got something in the mail about life insurance.  We never got anything before but in a world where they lie and say there is doctor patient confidentiality every company on earth that sells life insurance started sending something.

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