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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #9

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Yesterday I spent the day doing the last mod to my Triumph which was to remove the catalytic converter and it wasn't a simple job to get done. In total it took about 4 hours to do even with someone to help. My Dad and I managed it just fine except for some of the clamps that didn't want to go back on too easily. Saw some family on the 24th but I didn't stay long as they all bragged about how much money they made and so on which made me easily feel like a total failure. Off work until January 4th so I guess that's good but I'm not sure what to do with the time.

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13 hours ago, Royally1nsane said:

I feel so anxious with it being my last semester coming up. The pressure is definitely there. I need to do phenomenal if I want to graduate and I just feel like I'm doing something I don't want to do anymore. I don't know how to put it into words about how I feel right now at least not to my parents. But wanting to end my life is definitely in the top 3 things thats running through my mind right now. And I'm okay with ending my life, 

Do you have any friends you can talk to? Can you maybe cut some things out of the next semester so you can focus on yourself and your health as well as studying? I'm in the same boat. Hang in there bud.

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4 minutes ago, drowningsakura said:

Do you have any friends you can talk to? Can you maybe cut some things out of the next semester so you can focus on yourself and your health as well as studying? I'm in the same boat. Hang in there bud.

My friend, if you are not on any medication you might need to get you something to

help you to better relax and if you are on something your meds might need to be changed.

I wish you nothing but the best moving forward and hang in there 

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2 minutes ago, Floor2017 said:

My friend, if you are not on any medication you might need to get you something to

help you to better relax and if you are on something your meds might need to be changed.

I wish you nothing but the best moving forward and hang in there 

Are you talking to me or @Royally1nsane ?

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35 minutes ago, drowningsakura said:

incredibly suicidal and alone 🙂

I am so  sorry you feel this way. 

I'm like that mostly. Right now I couldn't give a flying fff about suicide now. Or anything else as it happens..

Other than if I have a soul, I am rooting for you now.

Take care,  @drowningsakura.

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I want everyone to know I'm going to be ok now.  I'm going to make sure of it.  The hurricane has passed my life by and the endless nightmare is over.  Today starts a week of vacation for me that I've never needed more in my life.  I'm going to take this time to recover mentally and physically and I'm going to fully get myself back.  Thank you to everyone who supported me and showed me love through the hardest time of my life.  I love you all so much!  You all are the most amazing people in the world and the best friends I will ever have in my life.❤️

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Good news: My mom is being discharged from the hospital today. My dad says she is feeling much better.

Bad news: I had to take my husband to the dentist this morning as he swallowed his crown last night. He has to go back in an hour. They say he has two cavities as well, and he may need to get a root canal in the future. Funnily enough, his regular dentist didn't see this supposed two cavities when he was there in October. I really hope he doesn't need a root canal. Also I'm now afraid for myself since I don't take care of my teeth at all and these things could happen to me too. 

I feel like complete crap right now. I got some sleep last night, so I don't know why I feel so bad. Maybe I'm having a mini anxiety attack. I felt out of breath a few minutes ago and now I just feel weak and achy. My legs are burning as well when they were fine an hour ago. 😞

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I just ate and I feel a little better. I realized that I had coffee this morning, and people are always telling me it increases your anxiety so maybe that's what happened. My husband is taking a $5 uber to the dentist's office so that's one less thing for me to do. 

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9 hours ago, sober4life said:

I've always seen a strong light in you.  The light will win.  Goodness will win and you will be happy again.  I hope so much that you will be happy again!

Thank you, Sober.  I wish the same for you!

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I get texted by the guy asking If I’m back. This guy rly want to have coffee w/ me. I said already I’m out of town during the holidays, which is christmas and New Years. 

How I’m feeling, dont feel like having coffee. And feel I am half dreading when I have to have coffee. 

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My best friend invited me for a catch-up dinner with friends next week and it's ruined my day...

I don't know how I still have any friends. I am miserable to be around.

I am stagnant. I have been stagnant for years. My friends always have new and exciting things going on and I'm just like "eh...nothing". I know socializing is supposed to be good for depression, but it is SO demoralizing to me.

Anyways, there goes my weird holiday happiness. Back to my regularly scheduled depression....

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@Kogent5 I know that feeling. I ended up doing those catch-ups w/ ppl I see once a year. These ppl are  better off, one a lawyer going to medical cases, another freelance graphic design. I shared anything is new. Tbh ppl are not there to compare and judge but to know you,  since they almost don’t see you every year. The awkward part is ending the conversations.

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1 hour ago, Stand_alone said:

@Kogent5 I know that feeling. I ended up doing those catch-ups w/ ppl I see once a year. These ppl are  better off, one a lawyer going to medical cases, another freelance graphic design. I shared anything is new. Tbh ppl are not there to compare and judge but to know you,  since they almost don’t see you every year. The awkward part is ending the conversations.

I think it'd be okay if it was just nothing new, but I also feel like a burden to them. Like I'm the depressed friend you need to touch base with to make sure I haven't gone off the deep end. It makes me feel guilty but I don't know how to say "please don't worry about me" without making people worry even more.

1 hour ago, sober4life said:

Yes sadly every day of my adult life has been like the movie Groundhog Day.  A phone conversation with me is everything that's going on with you and silence from me.

Pretty much. There's this socialization tip that if you keep the attention on the other person by asking them questions, they won't even notice how socially awkward you are. Well that only works to an extent, and after a while it starts coming across as weird that you won't talk about yourself 😐

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I'm feeling...essentially nothing. Which beats the hell out of anxiety or grinding depression.

However, nothing interests me in the slightest. I want to go home, sit back in my recliner, have the cats jump on me, and take a nap. Of course if I do that, I will be awake all night.

I hate having to coordinate my time with everyone else in the "working world".

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