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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #9

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7 hours ago, babyxgothxx said:

Sorry for not coming online that often! Hope you guys are doing alright ❤️ 

Also, Merry Christmas everyone! (For those who do celebrate!) Hope you all (celebrate or not) have a wonderful day today and always 🎅❤️ Love you guys! ❤️

You try to have a wonderful day as well 

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1 hour ago, babyxgothxx said:

Awww thaks! It's good to see you too! *Christmas hugs back*

So glad to hear that this Christmas is amazing for you! Today has been great for me also! 🎅 ❤️ 

 

aw yay I got a hug back 😄 I love hugs.. today I have had a few so I am going to store some for a less hugtastic future day 😊

Awh :hugs:yeah I wasn't really feeling the christmas spirit much until today.. just spending time with a friend this morning and laughing at her silly elf outfit, getting some unexpected christmas cards 🙂 having a nice family time opening presents and having free time to relax tonight and watch a boxed set of Oscar Wilde plays I got yesterday added up to make a real great christmas 😄

I am a 🦁 after all so I thrive when I have people around me to entertain 😊 but I need recharge time as well.. 

Glad to hear you have had a great christmas day as well ☺️ what Christmassy things did you get upto today? 🙂

 

Edited by hocico

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Anxiety and beating myself up.  Like I need a reminder how toxic Mom's manipulative BS is to my (flagging) mental health.

Thot I'd made an acceptable, ADULT compromise with Mom on her UNacceptable late Christmas Eve night voicemail that she expected a Christmas day restaurant meal.  I said I wouldn't do it today, but we could do it tomorrow.

That may have been a mistake.  Now I feel like I should have just said "ok" when she laid on the guilt trip.  Her manipulative, childish antics have nevertheless ruined what's normally a nice, quiet day for me.  tbh, I'm not handling this well at all tonite.  But, I made the commitment and I'm a responsible adult.

I'm hoping that when I show up at her door at 8am she's completely forgotten about it.  That will be my out - and I can calmly walk away - and she'll have her aide coming in a couple hours later.  I can hope.  Right now, though, I feel like a sucker. 🤬

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15 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

Anxiety and beating myself up.  Like I need a reminder how toxic Mom's manipulative BS is to my (flagging) mental health.

Thot I'd made an acceptable, ADULT compromise with Mom on her UNacceptable late Christmas Eve night voicemail that she expected a Christmas day restaurant meal.  I said I wouldn't do it today, but we could do it tomorrow.

That may have been a mistake.  Now I feel like I should have just said "ok" when she laid on the guilt trip.  Her manipulative, childish antics have nevertheless ruined what's normally a nice, quiet day for me.  tbh, I'm not handling this well at all tonite.  But, I made the commitment and I'm a responsible adult.

I'm hoping that when I show up at her door at 8am she's completely forgotten about it.  That will be my out - and I can calmly walk away - and she'll have her aide coming in a couple hours later.  I can hope.  Right now, though, I feel like a sucker. 🤬

If you are going to be miserable don't go.  I understand how you feel better than anyone here.  You feel like you can't take one more second of the situation.  You want to run for the hills.  Believe me I get it.  You do what you have to do to take care of yourself.  I know with me in my situation with mom I pushed myself way too far.  There were 5 complete breakdowns that I thought I wasn't coming back from mentally.  I don't want that for you or for anyone.  The situation is way too big for one person to handle.

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56 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

Anxiety and beating myself up.  Like I need a reminder how toxic Mom's manipulative BS is to my (flagging) mental health.

Thot I'd made an acceptable, ADULT compromise with Mom on her UNacceptable late Christmas Eve night voicemail that she expected a Christmas day restaurant meal.  I said I wouldn't do it today, but we could do it tomorrow.

That may have been a mistake.  Now I feel like I should have just said "ok" when she laid on the guilt trip.  Her manipulative, childish antics have nevertheless ruined what's normally a nice, quiet day for me.  tbh, I'm not handling this well at all tonite.  But, I made the commitment and I'm a responsible adult.

I'm hoping that when I show up at her door at 8am she's completely forgotten about it.  That will be my out - and I can calmly walk away - and she'll have her aide coming in a couple hours later.  I can hope.  Right now, though, I feel like a sucker. 🤬

Sorry you're dealing with this crap, @MarkintheDark..My parents were toxic and manipulative (may they both RIP), so I empathize. Don't beat yourself up for trying to establish healthy boundaries.

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I feel like crying. My mom sent me some videos of my nieces, they're overjoyed with their new toys. I am happy for them but at the same time I am envious of their ability to experience joy, something I haven't felt in a VERY long time. It also reminded me of the fact that my younger brother has a beautiful family whereas I will never have one. I'm suck a f-up. 

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3 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:

I feel like crying. My mom sent me some videos of my nieces, they're overjoyed with their new toys. I am happy for them but at the same time I am envious of their ability to experience joy, something I haven't felt in a VERY long time. It also reminded me of the fact that my younger brother has a beautiful family whereas I will never have one. I'm suck a f-up. 

My opinion is I think you're a great guy and you could have a family of your own.  We both want families of our own maybe more than anything but we both listen to that voice in our heads that lies and says we can't have it or we can't do anything right.  That voice constantly beats us up and I'm sick of it!  The voice is wrong.  

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16 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:

I feel like crying. My mom sent me some videos of my nieces, they're overjoyed with their new toys. I am happy for them but at the same time I am envious of their ability to experience joy, something I haven't felt in a VERY long time. It also reminded me of the fact that my younger brother has a beautiful family whereas I will never have one. I'm suck a f-up. 

Please take care of yourself.  Do not watch or listen to things that will only cause you pain. 

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6 minutes ago, sober4life said:

The voice is wrong.  

Yes and no. I just don't have the energy to make all the necessary changes to get to a point where someone would choose to have a family with me. If I somehow managed to build up a healthy self-esteem, work out hard enough to have a smoking body so I will at least look semi-presentable despite my ugly face, built a somewhat stable career... maybe... as things are now no one in their right mind would want to be with me. 

I don't even manage to take care of my health anymore. I have several very suspicious looking wounds on my face that won't heal, one has been there for a year and the other 6 months, occasionally bleeding and always itching and continuously scabbing over even when I leave it alone. Not saying it's skin cancer but given that cancer is rampant on my father's side of the family I should probably get it checked out and yet I can't be bothered. Or the huge cavity in one of my wisdom teeth...  or seeing a therapist... or getting my high blood pressure under control. I just don't give a damn about myself anymore 😞 

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24 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Yes and no. I just don't have the energy to make all the necessary changes to get to a point where someone would choose to have a family with me. If I somehow managed to build up a healthy self-esteem, work out hard enough to have a smoking body so I will at least look semi-presentable despite my ugly face, built a somewhat stable career... maybe... as things are now no one in their right mind would want to be with me. 

I don't even manage to take care of my health anymore. I have several very suspicious looking wounds on my face that won't heal, one has been there for a year and the other 6 months, occasionally bleeding and always itching and continuously scabbing over even when I leave it alone. Not saying it's skin cancer but given that cancer is rampant on my father's side of the family I should probably get it checked out and yet I can't be bothered. Or the huge cavity in one of my wisdom teeth...  or seeing a therapist... or getting my high blood pressure under control. I just don't give a damn about myself anymore 😞 

Your post made me cry.  I care about you.  You've always been there for me.  You are good guy.  Please take care of yourself.😢

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2 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Your post made me cry.  I care about you.  You've always been there for me.  You are good guy.  Please take care of yourself.😢

Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you 😞 I'm just struggling a lot lately which is why I haven't been on for quite some time. You are one of the most amazing and caring people on here, I honestly wish we could hang out, I need someone awesome like you in my life. 

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5 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you 😞 I'm just struggling a lot lately which is why I haven't been on for quite some time. You are one of the most amazing and caring people on here, I honestly wish we could hang out, I need someone awesome like you in my life. 

It upset me because you are being so hard on yourself.  You have also been an amazing caring member here.  I've seen you help so many people here.  I want the best for you and you deserve the best.  I hope you get the life you want.  Yes it would be great to hang out.  We would be great friends if we knew each other in real life I'm sure of it!

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Like hell. Everything is collapsing on my head. 

I feel like trash 24/7. I dunno why or how. Maybe seasonal. Who knows. Not I, that's whats for sure. 

Its really frustrating to be always so close to a fall. Get up, and get kicked right back to the curb.

Socially, everything is dissolving. My "friends" who don't really know what it is I go through think I'm just being really odd, which, to be fair, I am with the current mental state I can't be the friend I'd like to be. Doesn't feel very good to be thoroughly unwanted by everyone around you. 

Missing my ex again (Lord only knows why... its been almost a year now, but hey, all times and places for negativity, right?). I really shouldn't... she hurt me more than most anyone else.

There doesn't seem to be anyone around me with any bright ideas as far as what I should do with my future, and facts are I straight up don't have a clue. Kinda rudderless.

I'll stop venting now

 

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I'm so stressed out!  I like my Kurt Cobain type hair and don't want to pull it out.  I'm figuring out mom's situation more which of course means I've made it more complicated.  The nightmare never ends.  I open a door thinking this is the last one I have to open and I walk inside and fall off a cliff into another nightmare!

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Effin' relieved.  Mom was on her best behavior for this morning's postponed Christmas brekkie.  Heck, I was shocked that for the first time she didn't even try The Tears.  I think my firm, unequivocal "no" to her manipulative behavior may have finally made an impression...at least temporarily.  (Helped, too, I made generous use of the Purel I had at hand and, no, did NOT reach into the walker's pocket when she asked for one of her disgusting, wadded, germ-laden tissues)

I'm just glad I can get back to my life...some of which is gonna involve some rest before I tackle her move and selling her car.  Maybe I can do this without putting myself over the edge again.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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40 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I'm figuring out mom's situation more which of course means I've made it more complicated. 

fwiw, if you're open to advice for which you didn't ask, take your time reading that stuff.  It's ok to go easy on yourself, digesting it as you're able.  A lot of that's too fresh, imo.  It's ok to take a break from it.  You doin' something nice for yourself today?

Edited by MarkintheDark

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25 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

fwiw, if you're open to advice for which you didn't ask, take your time reading that stuff.  It's ok to go easy on yourself, digesting it as you're able.  A lot of that's too fresh, imo.  It's ok to take a break from it.  You doin' something nice for yourself today?

Yes I'm doing something nice for myself today as soon as I go to town and finally I think get things taken care of.  I could do more leg work for other people like my usual pushover self but I'm done.  I'm pushing things off and saying here you go as soon as I can and then come back here and hide under the covers!

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13 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

I feel like crying. My mom sent me some videos of my nieces, they're overjoyed with their new toys. I am happy for them but at the same time I am envious of their ability to experience joy, something I haven't felt in a VERY long time. It also reminded me of the fact that my younger brother has a beautiful family whereas I will never have one. I'm suck a f-up. 

I’m sorry to hear that my friend and so many of us understand what you are saying and going through.  Try to hang a blessed day 

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

Yes I'm doing something nice for myself today as soon as I go to town and finally I think get things taken care of.  I could do more leg work for other people like my usual pushover self but I'm done.  I'm pushing things off and saying here you go as soon as I can and then come back here and hide under the covers!

Good luck hiding 

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