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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #9

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I always remember Walt's quote from Breaking Bad.  Nothing will stop this train from rolling!  Nothing!  That's how I feel.  There is nothing and nobody on this earth strong enough to stop me from getting the life I want!   You can shoot me 10 times and set me on fire all while I'm pulling a loaded semi with a rope behind me for miles and miles.  I will never stop and I will never give up as long as this heart is beating!

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32 minutes ago, MatthewPA said:

Feeling like I just want Christmas over. Have never felt like that before. 

I’m sorry my friend and hopefully things will begin to get better for you 

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Need to vent.  Received a call from Mom at 10pm that she wants to do a Christmas restaurant meal.  I sure as hell don't wanna do this.  It's a struggle getting her in and out of the car, plus the likely tears at some point...in the middle of an effin' restaurant, as she always does.  I'm still considering the parent route, i.e., if you start crying, we're leaving,  Apparently, too, she had a rough day, so I suppose that will make me her therapist for an hour or so.  Just what I don't need.  I do enough for her already.  Just keeping my temper in check is gonna be a challenge.

Maybe I'm overreacting.  But this goes against every damn bit of progress I feel I've made on setting my boundaries with her.  She's pushed my buttons using the manipulative - she doesn't realize she's doing it - helpless li'l old lady tactic.  It's not like I'm dealing with someone who has all her marbles.  I'm angry I let her do this.  I'm upset and it will probably affect my sleep.

Tonight, I'm still considering simply, what if I just say no?  I'd save my sanity.  I'd save the progress I've made.  I'd save my frame of mind the rest of the week.  Yet, believe it or not, I'm undecided.  Is that screwed up or what?

At least I can congratulate myself that I followed, "If you don't know what to do, do nothing."  SHE'S the one who had to call...and late on Christmas Eve.  Effin' drama.  I'm considering that doing nothing may be a way to deal with it.  Perhaps I should just ignore the call and be a cold, heartless [email protected]@ard.

 

 

Edited by MarkintheDark

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1 hour ago, MarkintheDark said:

Need to vent.  Received a call from Mom at 10pm that she wants to do a Christmas restaurant meal.  I sure as hell don't wanna do this.  It's a struggle getting her in and out of the car, plus the likely tears at some point...in the middle of an effin' restaurant, as she always does.  I'm still considering the parent route, i.e., if you start crying, we're leaving,  Apparently, too, she had a rough day, so I suppose that will make me her therapist for an hour or so.  Just what I don't need.  I do enough for her already.  Just keeping my temper in check is gonna be a challenge.

Maybe I'm overreacting.  But this goes against every damn bit of progress I feel I've made on setting my boundaries with her.  She's pushed my buttons using the manipulative - she doesn't realize she's doing it - helpless li'l old lady tactic.  It's not like I'm dealing with someone who has all her marbles.  I'm angry I let her do this.  I'm upset and it will probably affect my sleep.

Tonight, I'm still considering simply, what if I just say no?  I'd save my sanity.  I'd save the progress I've made.  I'd save my frame of mind the rest of the week.  Yet, believe it or not, I'm undecided.  Is that screwed up or what?

At least I can congratulate myself that I followed, "If you don't know what to do, do nothing."  SHE'S the one who had to call...and late on Christmas Eve.  Effin' drama.  I'm considering that doing nothing may be a way to deal with it.  Perhaps I should just ignore the call and be a cold, heartless [email protected]@ard.

 

 

Hang in there my friend and I’m sure you will make the right decision.  Remember before you can help anyone else you first got to be able to help yourself 

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6 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Need to vent.  Received a call from Mom at 10pm that she wants to do a Christmas restaurant meal.  I sure as hell don't wanna do this.  It's a struggle getting her in and out of the car, plus the likely tears at some point...in the middle of an effin' restaurant, as she always does.  I'm still considering the parent route, i.e., if you start crying, we're leaving,  Apparently, too, she had a rough day, so I suppose that will make me her therapist for an hour or so.  Just what I don't need.  I do enough for her already.  Just keeping my temper in check is gonna be a challenge.

Maybe I'm overreacting.  But this goes against every damn bit of progress I feel I've made on setting my boundaries with her.  She's pushed my buttons using the manipulative - she doesn't realize she's doing it - helpless li'l old lady tactic.  It's not like I'm dealing with someone who has all her marbles.  I'm angry I let her do this.  I'm upset and it will probably affect my sleep.

Tonight, I'm still considering simply, what if I just say no?  I'd save my sanity.  I'd save the progress I've made.  I'd save my frame of mind the rest of the week.  Yet, believe it or not, I'm undecided.  Is that screwed up or what?

At least I can congratulate myself that I followed, "If you don't know what to do, do nothing."  SHE'S the one who had to call...and late on Christmas Eve.  Effin' drama.  I'm considering that doing nothing may be a way to deal with it.  Perhaps I should just ignore the call and be a cold, heartless [email protected]@ard.

 

 

I don't know maybe compromise and say you will order something and have it delivered to the house like pizza.  I think that's what I would do.  I know calling you at the last second is ridiculous because she knows how it will affect you.  I'm not so sure she doesn't realize what she's doing like you think.  If you do nothing the guilt of doing nothing will probably eat you up.  She is playing games with you though calling you at the last second.  This is a hard decision to make for someone else.  All I'm saying is I would order pizza and spend time with her at home.  Maybe I'm a wimp but that's what I would do.

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27 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I know calling you at the last second is ridiculous because she knows how it will affect you.  I'm not so sure she doesn't realize what she's doing like you think.  If you do nothing the guilt of doing nothing will probably eat you up. 

Had a little sleep.  I'm still going off to do sunrise shots as I'd planned for this morning.

I'm considering I'll call her later to say I noticed a voicemail when I got up this morning that she'd left late last night.  And that, no, it's not reasonable to expect people to suddenly drop everything for her at the last minute.  I'll certainly guilt her right back and tell her that's not fair.

The restaurant will be too busy by then and I might suggest we do it tomorrow.  (She may pull the "oh, forget about it" guilt trip and I could just say, "ok.")

Still gaming this out.  I resent I even have to game it out.  Ridiculous.

Yeah, sober, I've asked myself about the guilt.  otoh, I hate being manipulated.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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1 hour ago, MarkintheDark said:

Had a little sleep.  I'm still going off to do sunrise shots as I'd planned for this morning.

I'm considering I'll call her later to say I noticed a voicemail when I got up this morning that she'd left late last night.  And that, no, it's not reasonable to expect people to suddenly drop everything for her at the last minute.  I'll certainly guilt her right back and tell her that's not fair.

The restaurant will be too busy by then and I might suggest we do it tomorrow.  (She may pull the "oh, forget about it" guilt trip and I could just say, "ok.")

Still gaming this out.  I resent I even have to game it out.  Ridiculous.

Yeah, sober, I've asked myself about the guilt.  otoh, I hate being manipulated.

Absolutely stick up for yourself.  It's a hard situation.  What is better for your mental health now?  Probably not going to the restaurant but one day when she is gone you will regret not doing it.  Since mom has passed away all I seem to focus on is the regrets I had in our relationship.  My mom was very manipulative herself but I loved her very much.  I understand fully the struggle you are going through.

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Sorry for not coming online that often! Hope you guys are doing alright ❤️ 

Also, Merry Christmas everyone! (For those who do celebrate!) Hope you all (celebrate or not) have a wonderful day today and always 🎅❤️ Love you guys! ❤️

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I went to the Christmas party. My Mom fibbed my brothers didn’t go because they are sick. I told ppl my Dad disnt go because he is having a bad day. That leaves me as the adamant driver. At 11:45 pm, we left the party, It’s raining and I am sleepy, my mom alway/ makes anyone who is with her to drive. I was swirving and figeting to stay awake in the rain. I had this mentallity that If I fall asleep in the car, hey at least I died and dont need to worry about life anymore.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

Absolutely stick up for yourself.  It's a hard situation.  What is better for your mental health now?

Made a compromise I could live with.  I lied and told her I got her voicemail when I got up this morning, an otherwise reasonable expectation on timing.  I suggested we do brekkie tomorrow morning.  I was assertive, not nasty, with her.  (My Inner Spock, if you will).  Yep, she pulled the self-pitying, guilt-inducing "oooooh, forget about it" crap.  Quite honestly, I was ready to let it go at that and hang up.  But I wasn't gonna add to her drama.  So, we'll do it tomorrow.

I DID ask, however, if she would have expected any of her church ladies to jump like this at the last minute.  And, as assertive as I was willing to get without going overboard, I did tell her it wasn't fair to call me late at night and expect I'D jump first thing the next morning.

I'll still have MY day today.  Personally, I think I deserve an effin' medal for tapping down the drama, making a compromise, and not letting myself be manipulated.  That's pretty advanced stuff psychologically, imo.  Today's mental health issue will be just getting on with my day inasmuch as I don't do Christmas.  Sheesh, still kinda shook up.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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For those who celebrate Christmas and also to those who do not: 

Sending Christmas love to all..... may your hearts be full of love and gratitude.. may you find happiness & peace within.... may all your pain and suffering dissipate.... may you instead have moments and days filled with joy... may you and your loved ones be healthy, and may you live without fear or worry.

That is my Christmas wish to all. 

❤️💚🎄

Edited by RiverLight

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this illness has destroyed all my dreams, goals, everything. people have made fun of me, called me weak, "it's all in your head" ...as much as i hate my life, i don't wish it on others...i really hope someday soon they figure out how to help people in our situations who can't function and live in such misery..

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1 hour ago, MarkintheDark said:

Made a compromise I could live with.  I lied and told her I got her voicemail when I got up this morning, an otherwise reasonable expectation on timing.  I suggested we do brekkie tomorrow morning.  I was assertive, not nasty, with her.  (My Inner Spock, if you will).  Yep, she pulled the self-pitying, guilt-inducing "oooooh, forget about it" crap.  Quite honestly, I was ready to let it go at that and hang up.  But I wasn't gonna add to her drama.  So, we'll do it tomorrow.

I DID ask, however, if she would have expected any of her church ladies to jump like this at the last minute.  And, as assertive as I was willing to get without going overboard, I did tell her it wasn't fair to call me late at night and expect I'D jump first thing the next morning.

I'll still have MY day today.  Personally, I think I deserve an effin' medal for tapping down the drama, making a compromise, and not letting myself be manipulated.  That's pretty advanced stuff psychologically, imo.  Today's mental health issue will be just getting on with my day inasmuch as I don't do Christmas.  Sheesh, still kinda shook up.

Yes I'm very proud of you for how you handled things.  I had to compromise with my plans today as well.  I went and saw everyone this morning after my walk instead of waiting until this evening when I would be too tired.  I stuck up for myself and said how I felt in the situation and we made a compromise.  In the past I wouldn't have stuck up for myself.  I would have done exactly what they wanted even if it ran me into the ground without speaking up for myself but things have to change.  I have to believe I matter in the situations I'm in.  I can't go into every situation thinking nobody will care about my feelings.

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2 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Made a compromise I could live with.  I lied and told her I got her voicemail when I got up this morning, an otherwise reasonable expectation on timing.  I suggested we do brekkie tomorrow morning.  I was assertive, not nasty, with her.  (My Inner Spock, if you will).  Yep, she pulled the self-pitying, guilt-inducing "oooooh, forget about it" crap.  Quite honestly, I was ready to let it go at that and hang up.  But I wasn't gonna add to her drama.  So, we'll do it tomorrow.

I DID ask, however, if she would have expected any of her church ladies to jump like this at the last minute.  And, as assertive as I was willing to get without going overboard, I did tell her it wasn't fair to call me late at night and expect I'D jump first thing the next morning.

I'll still have MY day today.  Personally, I think I deserve an effin' medal for tapping down the drama, making a compromise, and not letting myself be manipulated.  That's pretty advanced stuff psychologically, imo.  Today's mental health issue will be just getting on with my day inasmuch as I don't do Christmas.  Sheesh, still kinda shook up.

@MarkintheDark,

Good job drawing boundaries. 

As for how I feel: kind of dazed.

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I have never used a support group before, but am desperate not to fall into another period of darkness, that can last for months. I feel young-ish, and have so many years ahead of me possibly, but just chronically think about time lost with a long term relationship that failed, things I should of done, but didnt, a new relationship that I know is about to end, because of mood, children I cant focus on at the moment, because I feel so empty, when I should be reveling in their happiness watching them open presents. I destroy any relationships I may have in these moments, and do things to destroy myself now, knowing that if my mind may be in a better place in the future, the destruction to my body im doing now with smoking, stress, eating poorly, may not be able to facilitate my minds readiness to be happy in the future. I just want to feel a little hope for the holidays, that I may be able to find some peace of mind, and enjoy loving and trust being loved by those i am so fortunate graced my life. It just hurts, and hurts.

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5 hours ago, hocico said:

Good, I give this christmas a five 🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼🎅🏼 out of five rating. 

@babyxgothxx good to see you ((christmas hugs)) hope you have a merry 🎅🏼 too 😄

Awww thaks! It's good to see you too! *Christmas hugs back*

So glad to hear that this Christmas is amazing for you! Today has been great for me also! 🎅 ❤️ 

 

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