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Sarahh2018

ex reached out

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Hi Everyone,
I need some advice. My ex that I was dating for over 2.5 years wanted some space. I did no contact for 2 months and he reached out (we havent been together for 8 months but talked back and forth). We talked abit. He has started getting help. Understands that I am not to blame now. Taking accountability for his actions. I asked him what he wanted and he says he is not ready for a relationship right now, that he needs to fix himself. He loves me and misses me but he cannot commit to anyone. He doesn't know what he wants right now.
He wants to be friends.
What should I do? One hand I feel like I won't be respected if I stay as his friend when he says he isn't ready. But on the other, he is finally starting to get things.
Advice please.

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Thank you for sharing your story.  I know it must be hard remaining friends with someone you want to be with.  I think your head will tell you what the right thing to do is: if you can be patient in just being a friend, then you can continue to do that.  But if you want something else, it sounds like it might be okay for you to pursue that as well.  I'm not sure you could do the wrong thing here since y'all have been apart so long.  Hope this helps.

 

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Hi Sarah! That is a tough situation. On one hand, it is good he is getting help and knows he needs to focus on getting himself better before committing  to a close relationship. On the other hand, that leaves you hanging. I think if you can be a supportive friend for now, that would be great yet maybe that is too much for you right now. It might be good to talk all this over with a therapist who could help you know what you need to do to take good care of you and help you gain perspective. 

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On 11/5/2018 at 4:22 PM, Sarahh2018 said:

Hi Everyone,
I need some advice. My ex that I was dating for over 2.5 years wanted some space. I did no contact for 2 months and he reached out (we havent been together for 8 months but talked back and forth). We talked abit. He has started getting help. Understands that I am not to blame now. Taking accountability for his actions. I asked him what he wanted and he says he is not ready for a relationship right now, that he needs to fix himself. He loves me and misses me but he cannot commit to anyone. He doesn't know what he wants right now.
He wants to be friends.
What should I do? One hand I feel like I won't be respected if I stay as his friend when he says he isn't ready. But on the other, he is finally starting to get things.
Advice please.

This is a hard situation that no one but you can make a decision on.  Truly no one but you.  JMO but I think its a very positive thing that he sees he must take a hard look at himself...and not exactly "fix" but work on himself first.  I don't think any of us can be what we need to be for another person until we are what we need to be for ourselves first and foremost....some see that as selfish but I don't think it is at all.  2.5 years is a long time to date....strong ties and feelings are developed.  It totally depends on the individual as to whether or not a friendship can be maintained without old things\ issues\ patterns creeping in and clouding things.  I think for most its really hard, but some people seem to pull it off. 

Again...no one can make this decision but you....but its not going to be easy I dont think....lines get blurred awfully quick.  I like the idea of talking it over with a therapist.  Each persons situation is different.  Honestly if the relationship is real....at whatever level....it's going to be there...even if you continue to take the space you each need to work on yourselves.

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Except for his statement that he's not available for a relationship - that's important information for you to have - I'll skip any further comment on the ex-bf's position.

I'd encourage you to look at your own progress the past eight months.  Even review your own DF posts to get some perspective.  I'd also hope the progress has been with the assistance of a therapist.  That's to say, I'm hearing a lot about him and what he wants, not so much about you and what you want.

I don't want to be dismissive the 2½-year history you have.  And it's certainly been a rough eight months for you.  However, what have you been doing for YOURSELF in the PRESENT?  I'd like to hear more about that.

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I would maintain the bridge kindly and politely (something that I think is best to do in most cases unless there was abuse.  You never know who will need to ask for help in the future or who will be in power over you).  Listen to your feelings.  But do to the length of the relationship I would let him down politely if the answer is no. 

I have cut people out of my life for mistreating me.  Had a female friend who ditched me in one of my darkest hours.  I will never talk to her again. 

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