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KCDPN

Problems with Friendships, Relationships, and Lonliness

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My current emotional state is sadly something that I've struggled with for years, to the point where I legitimately find it surprising that anyone likes me.

In times of complete stress, hopelessness, or frustration, I tend to cut contact with everyone. Literally everyone. Through no fault of their own, for the most part I just simply believe that they'd be better off without me, and that I haven't been a good friend to them to deserve their compassion. The people who choose to stay, I almost feel worse because I feel like they deserve better. I' a broken, impulsive overly emotional freak who only continues to do this stuff. I honestly stoppped getting mad at people abandoning me long ago, I just want to get it over with and cut off already weakened relationships off at the root. 

Then there are some friendships that I sadly don't think should even be a thing anymore. An ex-crush of mine for 4 years has recently tried supporting me in my battles with mental health, going so far as to reccomend resources because she had been down a similar road herself, but I feel like I shouldn't be talking with her. Maybe it's just feelings of inadequacy, maybe it's still lingering feelings of immature jealousy, maybe it's the fear of being replaced or forgotten since the only real physical friend I've had for almost half a decade has gotten her own group of friends, her own girlfriend, and her art major, and I have none of that. And I feel like it's unhealthy for me to dump all my negativity on her, despite her never really objecting to any of it. I guess it's just my dumb brain's fault for not being able to be happy for others without it reminding me of my own inferiority. 

I guess I just regret having any sort of feelings for her to begin with, or maybe we shouldn't have been friends if I knew this is how I was going to act. It's my fault for viewing her too highly as my only real friend at the time. It's not even that not being with her specifically is what's making me a bit annoyed anymore, because thanks to my family I know that it would have ended terribly, and we probably wouldn't be able to speak if we actually tried dating. But the fact that I was apparently close to someone having the same feelings to me as I had for them, only to have it just... fade after hearing she was lesbian. It kinda doesn't make me even want to try again.

I've been in so many friendships where in spite of still having hurdles in their own lives, everyone's always improves once they find their ideal partner, so even if it is the objectively right opinion, I just find the whole "a s/o won't fix everything, don't rush into it" mentality to be kinda bullshit at this point. That and it apparently instills the idea that I'm just unloveable, I guess. Whatever chance I almost had was a glitch in the Matrix. I don't see why I get told I'm jumping the gun for giving up on anyone loving me, barely anyone understands me on a basic level IRL, why would I expect romance to be any easier? "Things get better!" Maybe for you, but my circumstances are allergic to progress, and a lot of them aren't even in my control. 

Part of me regrets telling her that I've struggled with stuff like depression in secret for years, including the entire time I knew her, because I don't want anyone to pity me or to view me as an unstable mess who might **** himself. I mean, I've actively thought of it but I've never taken any actions of self harming. I know suicide isn't worth it, and I'm not a danger to myself. Though I don't think I have anything to live for at this rate. I'm a 20 year old social recluse who drowns himself in niche hobbies nobody cares about to try to fill the void in me and accept that nobody will ever understand me and I'll never have a romantic bond with anyone because I simply wasn't meant to. Big whoop.

I feel like I don't deserve her support, or any support that I've recieved, and that everyone would be better off without me. Which leads into my current situation of me cutting off contact with all my friends. I had full intentions of leaving the internet entirely when the thoughts of "nobody will ever love me, i'm never going to be taken seriously by anyone, and i'm going to die alone doing a job i hate" started festering in the back of my mind. I end up back flipping between empathetic remorse and bitter cynicism over their concern. I'm sorry you're wasting your energy on me, but I also hate how you expect me to believe that things will improve just because they were able to for you. Yet, some people continue to stay, and actively get worried about me. That worry made me reconsider and only take the rest of the month as a break from everyone, but honestly with people like that I don't know if I can, or even should ever talk to them again. I have nobody else to talk to anyway, but maybe I should just embrace isolation and be completely alone? Prepare for the inevitable?

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Life is a ridiculously difficult pain in the ass. But what else is there to do? It hurts to care about someone who doesnt care back. So the girl you liked didnt work out. You're not alone in that department. Try again.

Youre also not alone with depression. Look at all of the people here for evidence of that. 

People here take you seriously, and care about how you feel, because we've been there and know how awful it feels...a feeling we wouldnt wish on our worst enemies.

All you can do is keep trying. I get your concern that letting people know you have depression type problems makes you afraid that people will think less of you, but you have to trust someone...and lots of families deal with this stuff, they just dont advertise it.

I get that you dont necessarily want to confide in someone you used to have romantic feelings for, but it might help, or maybe you can find someone else like that.

The main issue is that your self worth is less than zero. I get that because ive dealt with that myself, though i think youve got me beat. Give yourself a break, love yourself, and stop saying everyone hates you. They dont.

Youre writing skills are good, so you're obviously not stupid, so you probably have lots of untapped potential. My parents never encouraged anything with me either.

And my father said i'd never amount to anything. Boy that was helpful...

I pursued my hobbies...all of them. Now im a MacGyver type that fixes industrial equipment and i have a house and a wife.

Nothing is perfect, but i think I've figuratively flipped my father off. ( he died ages ago).

Anyway...

So what are your ' niche hobbies'?

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16 minutes ago, Steveab63 said:

Life is a ridiculously difficult pain in the ass. But what else is there to do? It hurts to care about someone who doesnt care back. So the girl you liked didnt work out. You're not alone in that department. Try again.

I don't really see the point in it. Considering this is the only time I've ever had ANY girl talk to me for more than 5 minutes and actually be interested in me as a person, I dunno, maybe I'm just too abnormal to have girls understand me? It's less harmful to be mad at myself than them, eh. It's kinda pathetic since I'm going to be 21 in a year but I've never had any romantic experience with a girl but I'm good with just folding my cards and accepting that I'm just not a person that's meant to be in a relationship.

18 minutes ago, Steveab63 said:

and lots of families deal with this stuff, they just dont advertise it.

My family wouldn't be supportive of my depression, the fact that their smothering of me is partially a contributing factor wouldn't help. Everyone just sucks it up and doesn't trust therapists in my family (and I'm willing to wager my ethnic community, at least the elders discourage therapy or other stuff like it).

 

20 minutes ago, Steveab63 said:

I get that you dont necessarily want to confide in someone you used to have romantic feelings for, but it might help, or maybe you can find someone else like that.

I've been in internet communities to talk to people since I don't have any friends IRL. This girl was the only person I comfortably talked to on both mediums, I trusted her enough to tell her I likely have depression. I'm not diagnosed but considering I've felt this way since childhood in some form or another, it'd be a shock if this wasn't depression. I have other online friends, some better than others when it comes to helping with emotional stuff, but I kinda don't see the point in venting to them anymore. Doesn't make me feel better, doesn't solve my problems, and it just wastes their time since everyone has their own lives.

22 minutes ago, Steveab63 said:

So what are your ' niche hobbies'?

Drawing, writing, video editing. I also do some chiptune music. It's basically just making music in the style of old consoles like the NES or the Genesis, in programs that mimick the sound chips used. Think something like Shovel Knight's music if you're familiar. A lot of the things I like from music (ska, jazz, j-pop) to television (mostly obscure or forgotten cartoons) are stuff people don't know about and thus, don't care about, so I've kind of accepted that nobody will understand it. From classmates to my own family I've had these interests be subject to ridicule over the years, so I keep it all to myself as much as I can.

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Hello KCDPN,

    I want to welcome you to the Forums.

    Your post reminded me of so many things in my own life.  I wish I could communicate more but I am suffering a terrible bout of tendinitis in my hands this evening and so I cannot type for long before the pain gets to be too much.  I do want to say that my heart goes to you ! ! !   - epictetus

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2 minutes ago, Epictetus said:

Hello KCDPN,

    I want to welcome you to the Forums.

    Your post reminded me of so many things in my own life.  I wish I could communicate more but I am suffering a terrible bout of tendinitis in my hands this evening and so I cannot type for long before the pain gets to be too much.  I do want to say that my heart goes to you ! ! !   - epictetus

Thank you. Despite the morbid mood I have I want to say I appreciate all the support I've gotten here. 

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Sorry that you are having a hard time with life. Sounds like depression has taken over. It helps me to keep telling myself - I didn’t cause this illness. I can’t cure it and I can’t control it. 

It takes some of the power of depression off my self esteem. Hang in there and keep posting and reading other’s posts. 

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K, so i had to look up chiptune. Never heard of it though i have played with tones in DOS and programmed an Arduino doorbell to play a few notes before. It was a lot of work, but interesting. Yes DOS, im that old. So anyway you should keep studying programming, maybe take a C++ course, look into recording studio work. I wanted to do that once...all of that is digital editing these days, you could be making music videos, tracks for video games, all kinds of stuff.

Geeze give yourself some credit, i wish i knew how to do that stuff. Learn all you can about it.

I spent hours the other day reading about a guy that got the raw tracks for a Zeppelin song, and he remixed it and it sounds better than the official release. You can learn tons online. Just dont forget to go out and socialize. Soon you'll be the next Ted Templeman.

 

 

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I feel where you are coming from. I feel like one of the main reasons for me feeling depressed has also been problems with friends. Always feeling like the odd one out and that they don't care about me in the same way that I care about them. Then I would feel like not talking to them and do that for a few days before finally finding the mood to be normal. Which I guess they got tired of. I really hate how this feeling of loneliness, depression and having no one comes and goes. A part of me tells myself that if I was able to just correct the relationships that I no longer have that I could finally be happy but I don't think thats true either. 

However, just a few days ago I was watching cartoons on Youtube and enjoying it. I might even say I felt a small amount of happiness. So just others have said, keep going. It's what I do. As much as it sucks to go through this as often as I do, there are those moments of happiness. 

Now I just hope I can get myself together for the next two weeks to finish up my finals. 

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I hope all is well with you maybe not now but someday. Life itself is really a struggle. But just keep in mind that you have us to support you and listen to all your worries. I have so mny struggles and battles of my own. I dont have anyone to talk to up to now i just visit here to feel better and to be positive to keep myslef from selfharm. You will be okay i hope so very soon. Always talk to God. 

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On 11/5/2018 at 7:11 PM, Steveab63 said:

K, so i had to look up chiptune. Never heard of it though i have played with tones in DOS and programmed an Arduino doorbell to play a few notes before. It was a lot of work, but interesting. Yes DOS, im that old. So anyway you should keep studying programming, maybe take a C++ course, look into recording studio work. I wanted to do that once...all of that is digital editing these days, you could be making music videos, tracks for video games, all kinds of stuff.

Geeze give yourself some credit, i wish i knew how to do that stuff. Learn all you can about it.

I spent hours the other day reading about a guy that got the raw tracks for a Zeppelin song, and he remixed it and it sounds better than the official release. You can learn tons online. Just dont forget to go out and socialize. Soon you'll be the next Ted Templeman.

 

 

I have to admit I'm only really a hobbyist. My friends are more talented than me with drawing, coding, and music, in fact some of them are making a game while another has contributed music to indie games multiple times. I'm just settling for a desk job since I don't really have the drive or family support to pursue anything creative. I'll still try to have fun in my spare time, but they aren't happy about it and see it as a time waster.

They do make chiptune on DOS computers a lot, though. I know AdLib Tracker 2 is a program people use on DOS. 

I had also dropped out of college due to harsh treatment from professors teaching tech. A horrible Java and MATLAB class made me give up on IT altogether after thinking I'd do something with computers since I was a kid. Existential crisies before you hit 20 aren't fun.

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To give a sort of update as to how I've been lately, I've been off from my college. I actually got some pretty good grades, 4 A's and a B. I had to sacrifice a lot due to unfair circumstances out of my control, and I wasn't expecting anything close to those grades. 

I sucked it up and joined an anime club at my college, and it took a while but I was able to talk to people. I forgot how much I missed playing games with friends and just being around people, because since 2016 I felt like I was abnormal. I can't hang out with anyone though. They can't come over, and I can't go anywhere unsupervised. That's when the lonliness comes back.

I've been trying to get better at my hobbies like drawing, I have my video editing freelancing gig again, and I've even tried to get good at fighting games. Yet... nothing can take my mind off of how inferior I feel to all my online friends, the only real people I CAN talk to. I know they blatantly say the obvious but my mind feels that I'm better off leaving them alone. I've had these feelings for years, I HATE that I can't get over it. I always make everything about me, I'm horrible.

I wish I didn't have such an inferiority complex that just because most of my friends are in romantic relationships I feel undesirable and remember how ugly I am, but I do. Besides, I know when I don't belong and when I'm just a third wheel. I'd think avoiding everyone for a couple days minimum would be better than shoving myself in where I don't belong. Better to self isolate than to be clingy. It's just a matter of respecting people's time and boundaries and realizing that their world doesn't revolve around me. I may not talk to some people often but even that's too much when I'm like this.

I have nobody to blame but myself, I want to get better or at least keep my mind occupied because I'm just a nuisance to everyone and talking to people about my emotions solves nothing, but I can't ignore it. I've felt like this since I was young, this is just a seasonal phase when it's at its worst. 

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On 12/11/2018 at 10:19 PM, AlleroiD said:

I hope all is well with you maybe not now but someday. Life itself is really a struggle. But just keep in mind that you have us to support you and listen to all your worries. I have so mny struggles and battles of my own. I dont have anyone to talk to up to now i just visit here to feel better and to be positive to keep myslef from selfharm. You will be okay i hope so very soon. Always talk to God. 

I'll keep that in mind. and I wish you luck and good vibes in fighting with your own battles. I appreciate your message. 

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you need to keep doing things with others and taking more classes in things you like and stop thinking about yourself. introspection is our kryptonite. we will always think of ourselves as lacking in this or that, or worrry that everyone around us thinks we're stupid or inept in some way. that's just our inferiority complex screwing with us, and it's not necessarily true. you just have to keep forging ahead and you'll be good. don't  dwell on the bad, that will drag you down. good luck....

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