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Alone an in pain. I want to live


Alone27

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I'm 31 I have a car an apartment and a job and its still not enough. I have been on my own for several years.With the exception of a funeral and a couple of leave me alones I have not spoken to family members. I spent holidays alone. My parents separated when i was too young to know and between 7-10 and on my step dad was there.  We moved at one point we went on vacations my mother and step father bought property in Canada. It was at this time my s/d started abusing my sister. Nearly a Decade I lived with this monster for nearly a decade my sister had to live like this. Between this time we did move and allegations were made. My mother did every thing she could to find any type of proof and could not. My sister was asked. She said  " He did nothing " I had no clue what was going on. We ended up moving back in. Long story short he's in jail now. Its been 9 to 10 years. I saw a lot of stuff growing up. I blame my self for figuring it out. I can remember nights where I could hear my sister crying in her room. I remember those days and her attitude. Between my Mother and my Sister it was too much for me. My mother always criticizing every one else and then would breakdown if she heard people were talking about her. For along time my sister only spoke to me when she needed something and the real last time we spoke it was just more stuff " Did you know mother did this and that and ... ect. " I will never know if my mother knew or not. I was told at one point from my sister she didn't to have a relationship thinking i would tell every thing to my mother. No pun attended i told this to my mother and her response was " Will if you want to that's fine with me " and I was like wtf.. From that point I said its better if I'm in the dark then in the light. 

 

I wake up alone I go to work and come home and go to sleep. Yes... i go out and hang with a community I meet over time. Though friends can only be and do so much. I haven't truly heard some one say ' i love you " in so long. I haven't felt a hug from some one that with out saying a word tells me that you mean the world to me. I hate seeing couples any where i go it reminds me of what i cant have. I manage to always find the " I'm taken or.... getting married. Last girl made a comment. " I'm so sorry i'm in engaged I'm sure your a better guy then he is." She has a 3 year old.  " I'm not looking for some body with superhuman gifts some superhero, some fairy tale bliss. Just something I can turn to, somebody i can kiss some body I can miss" Best lyric that describes me. I cry all the time I dont want to live any more but I'm scared of death and for that its the only reason I'm still here.  

 

 

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Welcome friend to our forum family.

I'm sure most of us can relate to your story.

Joining our forum is a positive step towards being functional and hopefully happy.

Please keep posting and check out some other posts.

We really try hard to help each other.

Oscar

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8 minutes ago, Oscar K said:

Welcome friend to our forum family.

I'm sure most of us can relate to your story.

Joining our forum is a positive step towards being functional and hopefully happy.

Please keep posting and check out some other posts.

We really try hard to help each other.

Oscar

Well, said my friend we try to be family away family that try to understand

one another pain and struggles

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57 minutes ago, Alone27 said:

I'm 31 I have a car an apartment and a job and its still not enough. I have been on my own for several years.With the exception of a funeral and a couple of leave me alones I have not spoken to family members. I spent holidays alone. My parents separated when i was too young to know and between 7-10 and on my step dad was there.  We moved at one point we went on vacations my mother and step father bought property in Canada. It was at this time my s/d started abusing my sister. Nearly a Decade I lived with this monster for nearly a decade my sister had to live like this. Between this time we did move and allegations were made. My mother did every thing she could to find any type of proof and could not. My sister was asked. She said  " He did nothing " I had no clue what was going on. We ended up moving back in. Long story short he's in jail now. Its been 9 to 10 years. I saw a lot of stuff growing up. I blame my self for figuring it out. I can remember nights where I could hear my sister crying in her room. I remember those days and her attitude. Between my Mother and my Sister it was too much for me. My mother always criticizing every one else and then would breakdown if she heard people were talking about her. For along time my sister only spoke to me when she needed something and the real last time we spoke it was just more stuff " Did you know mother did this and that and ... ect. " I will never know if my mother knew or not. I was told at one point from my sister she didn't to have a relationship thinking i would tell every thing to my mother. No pun attended i told this to my mother and her response was " Will if you want to that's fine with me " and I was like wtf.. From that point I said its better if I'm in the dark then in the light. 

 

I wake up alone I go to work and come home and go to sleep. Yes... i go out and hang with a community I meet over time. Though friends can only be and do so much. I haven't truly heard some one say ' i love you " in so long. I haven't felt a hug from some one that with out saying a word tells me that you mean the world to me. I hate seeing couples any where i go it reminds me of what i cant have. I manage to always find the " I'm taken or.... getting married. Last girl made a comment. " I'm so sorry i'm in engaged I'm sure your a better guy then he is." She has a 3 year old.  " I'm not looking for some body with superhuman gifts some superhero, some fairy tale bliss. Just something I can turn to, somebody i can kiss some body I can miss" Best lyric that describes me. I cry all the time I dont want to live any more but I'm scared of death and for that its the only reason I'm still here.  

 

 

Well, I'm sorry to hear this my friend.  I hope that you can soon find someone

that understand you and like you for who you are.  Hang in there my friend and

have you considered a dating site or going out with friends. 

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I have used many sites and don't get many chances to meet any one for that matter get a reply. This generation is all based in looks. Looks start conversations. I'm at the point of giving up. I hang out with friends on a daily bases. I just want to find my other half. Some one to lean on.

 

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On 11/3/2018 at 7:10 PM, desperateloser said:

(original comment removed)

Sounds like luxury problems.

Dealing with the aftermath/guilt of a sister who was abused? I hope I never experience that 'luxury'.

Edited by 20YearsandCounting
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Being molested as a child involves everyone in your life from then on, and many of the victims can never shed the effects.  This is a real account of my visit with a 2nd cousin I visited when I'd been on the RV road a couple of years.  The victims grandmother occupied herself with maintaining a perfect house, plastic covers on the couch, runners on the carpet.  She knew.

“So that’s it,” Karen was saying.  We were in her apartment in  CA.  I’d not seen her—I don’t know if I’d ever seen her.  A few years younger than me, in her early 40s, she had a husky build, and wore a sweater though it wasn’t cold.  Her father, Johnny, had daddied her in his mid twenties, then split from her mother.  She spent several years in her pre teens with her grandparents, then bounced from her mom's to foster care, and back and forth.  I’d been in the spare front room less than twenty minutes, barely knew her, and she was unburdening herself, trying, finally to get a leg up on her grand dad’s ****ing of her as a youngster.  There is nothing to detail, nothing you don’t know.  He’d done her, over and over for years, and it wrecked her life.  If she told me, her anonymous second cousin, thirty years after the fact, maybe it would allow her to heal. 

 

Edited by Bulgakov
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Hi and welcome to the forum.I am so sorry to hear what you've been going through.

 I can relate to what you are saying about being alone and feeling the angst of it. And it is brutal, but what had helped me is talk therapy and meds, also learning social skills had made me more confident of my self. Still I am no were near where I would like to be but I had made progress. I suggest looking for a therapist if you are not doing so, it can really help. I disagree most women don't care much about looks.

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Hello Alone 27. I am so sorry to hear about your terrible suffering. Have you considered counseling to help you heal from your painful past? I think it might be beneficial for you because first you have to love and take care of yourself before you can have a healthy relationship with someone.However, don't give up on finding someone to love and to be loved by. I was 52 when I found someone wonderful. You can too, but may have to go through many wrong ones to get to the right person. Try to just go out and enjoy your friends and activities. Maybe try some new activities too.

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It's hard to talk to any one in person. I have thought about going to see some one but not sure if I should. I've seen alot growing up and I hide alot. I grew up being hated and it wasn't for being male I would I'd just been a other victim. I see some one said it sounds like a luxury problem not exactly sure whats luxury about it. It's not easy going out and talking to new people. Today's an okay day 

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6 minutes ago, Alone27 said:

It's hard to talk to any one in person. I have thought about going to see some one but not sure if I should. I've seen alot growing up and I hide alot. I grew up being hated and it wasn't for being male I would I'd just been a other victim. I see some one said it sounds like a luxury problem not exactly sure whats luxury about it. It's not easy going out and talking to new people. Today's an okay day 

You are so right my friend, it can be a very difficult thing for some of us

having to go out and be social able with someone we never met before.

If it wasn't for anxiety and social phobia medicine a lot of us can not even

hold down a job in the general working population. Thank God for the invention

of medicine for anxiety

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Howdy, Alone27. Thanks for sharing. Your sharing of your problems has really put my own problems into perspective. I wish I knew of a way to help you deal with it all. It would be nice if we could just put every old day behind us, forgive ourselves, and not be burdened by what we did or didn't do. Still, we're here to support you. I do believe therapy is an excellent idea in your case. You might not think you'd talk all that much to a total stranger in person, but a good therapist is trained to ask the right questions. The kind of questions that make you want to express yourself. A good therapist will use their experience dealing with similar cases to help you on the road to recovery.

As for the dating thing. I actually do kinda know how you feel there. We live in weird times where despite all of the social movements to accept and love people of all kinds, no matter what they look like or what conditions they have, looks and social status still matter a lot. I'm just gonna try and wait it out. Either I'll luck out and somehow find a nice gal who shares a mutual and unconditional love with me, or enough time will have passed for more peeps to treat romance like it's actually important and not just a trip to the store to find the best man or woman on the market. (Seriously, I see stories about people in their mid to late 20s breaking up so they can "trade up". Makes me angry hearing about that). Try not to lose all your love and hope. My grandpa didn't get married to my awesome grandma until he was 42 from what I've been told (I guess he's actually my step-grandad, but he's around more often than my real one so. . .), and my dad tells me one of his coworkers has just recently found a girl he could get serious about at the age of 54. Hell, one of my good friends is now engaged to my ex at age 32. What I'm trying to say is that you never know how old you'll be when you find someone to settle down with. So, just live your life one day at a time, take a chance on someone every so often, and I'm sure you'll find who you're looking for. (Now I just need to repeat this to myself and take my own advice for a change. Haha!)

Good luck. We're all hoping you feel better soon. Shine on.

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Alone27 have you considered talking to someone over the phone? There are some services that do that. Please continue to reach out. You really need to have  counseling for healing after all you have been through, and you deserve to have that healing.The counselor will be an advocate for you. As difficult as it may be to go to counseling, please continue to consider it. Sending hugs and prayers.

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