Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
KCDPN

General Sense of Hopelessness and Loneliness

Recommended Posts

I've been at my absolute lowest and I don't know how much more I can keep faking it to my family, I'm just through with lying to myself that things will ever improve with me. I feel unlikeable and that everyone would be better off without me, and as such I've just taken steps to cut myself off from every friend I've made online, including the last real IRL friend I have. I haven't been a good friend to anyone and I guess I thought that talking about my issues would make me feel better. It really doesn't. None of my issues are in my control, yet due to my family I'm not able to do anything to really change anything since I'm still seen as a child.

Until I'm able to see a therapist, things will continue to be bad for me. So things are always going to be bad for me. I can't talk to anyone at my college or make friends with anyone. I'm not able to go to counseling at my college anymore since I was practically pushed TO see a therapist. And I'm going to be trapped in a dead end job I hate because I'm not good enough at any of my hobbies to do it professionally, and my family wouldn't condone it even if I could pursue it. 

The few who wanted to keep in contact with me with what was initially a break for the sake of grades either became annoyed or concerned. Some just let me cut them off with no contest which only fuels the idea that everyone will be better off without me. I'm not going to **** myself, ever, but I feel dead inside. I feel rotten for treating everyone this way but I feel like I'm going to end up mistreating everyone anyway. The lack of any friends online makes me realize just how lonely I am, and it's scary. I'm scared. Nobody is really able to understand me. I feel unworthy of people to love and I gave up on ever feeling understood due to me being a disgusting freak. 

I'm just sorry for everything I've done, because the only logical explanation for life being so crappy for me is that I've done something to deserve it. 

And I'm sorry @psycholuigiman for dissapearing out of nowhere. This is basically the closest to an explanation. I just want to be alone. It's for the greater good.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I tried. I've told you time and time again that I enjoy hanging out with you, that logically speaking, if one person likes you, then there must be other people who like you too, that life is cyclical, that you have a bad habit of focusing on the negative, that you have an even worse habit of blaming yourself for every bad thing that has ever happened. It hurts to see you like this, but I guess I can't stop your or help you.

So, I'll just say good luck and hang in there. I'll still be around if you ever need a friend.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry it didnt work. Its entirely my fault. I dont think someone as broken as me can be fixed. The most I can do is get out of everyone's hair.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Everyone on this forum has been through some degree of hell.

You can be in our "hair" as much as you want.

Anybody no matter how "broken" can be repaired.

We are broken metaphorically and metaphors are the tools needed to repair our messed up psyches.

We are all fixer-uppers and this forum provides so much needed support.

Despair not and stick with us and yourself.

Oscar

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This forum is all I have left. I'll stay but I dont think I'll ever truly be happy. At least everyone I used to be friends with will be happy. I was never a person worthy of their attention.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not happy. Not at all. I enjoyed talking with you. I got exposed to an old anime I never would've watched without your nudge. I was looking forward to talking more about it. I was looking forward to hearing what you thought of my amateur writing projects once you got a break from school to read them. I was eager to one day see that video you were slowly working on. I wanted to help you proofread your essays for those crazy professors you told me about.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but you're not doing me any favors, so I doubt you're doing anyone else a good service either.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've come to and calmed down a bit. I still think I need a month's break from everyone, but I'll try not to make things permanent. Even if I don't talk to anyone I feel social media just isn't doing me favors. I need a month to myself.

I don't know if I'll ever not feel so alone to be honest. So, might as well just accept it for a bit and do some self reflection.

I just snapped. Maybe it is immature and impulsive but going day after day and still feeling so disposable, worked to death and stressed beyond belief, and not able to talk to anyone, made me just feel like people would be better off without me. I may have permanently killed some friendships but I'll just accept that it was my fault. 

I just felt like a lot of them had me just be an annoying inconvenience. Especially to Maggie.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The definitive statements, along with always and never are pretty familiar terms around here, but our minds, moods, and feelings are constantly changing 'living' things. Give yourself a break already. Go out and talk to people, and talk to people here.  Some people will respond, some won't. Keep trying and the odds improve. If someone is rude to you it doesnt mean your entire exisence is a waste of time, maybe theyre just a jerk, or their dog just died. Not everything is about you, when dealing with others. Isolation isnt likely to help, and just understand that some days will be worse than others. If youre stuck living with family that doesnt understand or care about your problems, that definitely sucks, but just deal with it for now and work on feeling better. Find something youre interested in and study it. You can eventually work that into a rewarding job. Like everything else, keep at it and results will come.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Steveab63 said:

Find something youre interested in and study it. You can eventually work that into a rewarding job.

I'm not remotely interested in what I'm studying in, I'm only doing it because my family doesn't see what I'm actually good at as worthwhile careers and won't financially support me. Since I don't have job experience yet, I just have to give up on my hobbies and suck it up to do a desk job I know I won't like.

But I guess that's what being an adult is about right? Hanging up all the 'childish' stuff and doing the 9 to 5 grind like everyone else because it's "mature"? Eh.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, got to pay the bills. But if youre studying something you really hate, and none of it translates to other jobs, you should probably consider changing majors. Unless your family likes wasting money.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello KCDPN, 

thank you for sharing your concerns with us. I’m truly sorry that you are dealing with such difficult situation. These forums are great for sharing burdens, and venting.  Even in the darkest moments in our lives there’s always hope. Let me tell you that you have a purpose in life. Maybe it can sound like a cliché however things happen for a reason. And I know from my experiences that sometimes we do not know how to handle suffering. Suffering is neither good nor bad. And if we embrace it we can allow our transformation into a better person.  In spite of this situation let me tell you that you are important and valuable person and you are a person of worth of dignity. Have you ever thought the ability and talents that you have? I encourage you to discover the talents and the abilities that you have. Love starts from within yourself. There will always be people that will like you and others won’t. It is part of our life. Do not be discourage! Hang it there! Have you considered  finding groups such as volunteering in charitable works, social groups that share hobbies or recreational events, adult groups from church, etc that help you get your mind of your suffering and help to the needy. So you are not alone!   I hope this helps. Sending you hugs.  I will keep you in my prayers, my friend.

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 11/4/2018 at 9:20 PM, Steveab63 said:

Yeah, got to pay the bills. But if youre studying something you really hate, and none of it translates to other jobs, you should probably consider changing majors. Unless your family likes wasting money.

They do, since none of my talents are worth pursuing. Also me being horrible at math means being a social worker is the only thing I can do. I'm trapped. My life is over before it's even begun. 

 

5 hours ago, graceforeverandever said:

Hello KCDPN, 

thank you for sharing your concerns with us. I’m truly sorry that you are dealing with such difficult situation. These forums are great for sharing burdens, and venting.  Even in the darkest moments in our lives there’s always hope. Let me tell you that you have a purpose in life. Maybe it can sound like a cliché however things happen for a reason. And I know from my experiences that sometimes we do not know how to handle suffering. Suffering is neither good nor bad. And if we embrace it we can allow our transformation into a better person.  In spite of this situation let me tell you that you are important and valuable person and you are a person of worth of dignity. Have you ever thought the ability and talents that you have? I encourage you to discover the talents and the abilities that you have. Love starts from within yourself. There will always be people that will like you and others won’t. It is part of our life. Do not be discourage! Hang it there! Have you considered  finding groups such as volunteering in charitable works, social groups that share hobbies or recreational events, adult groups from church, etc that help you get your mind of your suffering and help to the needy. So you are not alone!   I hope this helps. Sending you hugs.  I will keep you in my prayers, my friend.

 

 

 

I'm already helping children out thanks to my major and I'll be helping the elderly eventually. I'm not meant for community service though. It's nothing I'm passionate about and I feel that I'd be a horrible help because I'm trying to get help myself. I feel alone. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe this is really rude to ask, but do you even want help? I mean, I want to help you. I even tried to help you. Clearly these nice folks want to help you. Yet, you shoot down every suggestion and perspective. I've known you for a little while now and I think part of you doesn't even want to try anymore. That same part of you revels in being a victim who has their life set in stone by other people. So could you set the record straight for me, your friend who is STILL your friend, psycholuigiman? Do you want to be your better self or not? If not, then I'm done trying to help you on this for a while. I'll never give up on you forever, but I know better than to keep trying to think of ways to help someone who doesn't really want my help. If you do want your life to be better though, then you have to expect your life to get better. It's not enough to want something in life, you have to expect it, make plans for it. I want a Nintendo Switch, I have no plans in motion to save up the money for it, thus I don't expect to get one soon. Understand what I'm saying? Is it gonna happen over night? NO. Is it gonna be easy? NO. Are you gonna want to give up again? YES. Is life gonna put you down? YES IT WILL and it will keep you there if you let it. I happen to think that you're too young to just give up and resign yourself to what others have put before you. As bad as the stuff you've seen and dealt with has been, I don't think you've earned the right to give up on everything you wanted out of life. But what do I know? I'm just a little bit older than you and my life has been stagnant for the past 7 years. Maybe I should give up too. Lord knows many people didn't expect me to get this far in life in the first place. You seem to have life figured out, so maybe I should be following your example.

Since we're talkin about a general sense of hopelessness and loneliness, how about the approaching Winter, right? Boy I hate this time of year. It's cold, the skies are usually overcast, the year comes to an end with a ton of things being unfinished or not even started, friends leave me to spend time with their family and romantic partners, I get to be reminded of my single status and my failed attempt at romance almost every day until after February, my mom gets depressed if she gains weight and I have to see her go through that, there's a convention I won't be going to this winter again cuz of my travel anxiety, and so much of the food of the season is hard for my stomach to handle.

Of course, then Spring comes and it warms up, the sun comes out, I remember to do a few things before I get bogged down by the rest of life, friends come back with funny stories, romance stuff goes back down to a more tolerable level, my mom eats healthy and loses that weight again, I can take more day trips to see my grandparents and wok on my travel anxiety since the weather is nicer, and with Summer around the corner, my favorite veggie (zucchini) will be in season soon.

Boy, that Winter sure is hopeless and lonely though. Not like Spring, which comes right after Winter. Please tell me some of this is getting through to you.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, psycholuigiman said:

Maybe this is really rude to ask, but do you even want help? I mean, I want to help you. I even tried to help you. Clearly these nice folks want to help you. Yet, you shoot down every suggestion and perspective. I've known you for a little while now and I think part of you doesn't even want to try anymore. That same part of you revels in being a victim who has their life set in stone by other people. So could you set the record straight for me, your friend who is STILL your friend, psycholuigiman? Do you want to be your better self or not? If not, then I'm done trying to help you on this for a while. I'll never give up on you forever, but I know better than to keep trying to think of ways to help someone who doesn't really want my help. If you do want your life to be better though, then you have to expect your life to get better. It's not enough to want something in life, you have to expect it, make plans for it. I want a Nintendo Switch, I have no plans in motion to save up the money for it, thus I don't expect to get one soon. Understand what I'm saying? Is it gonna happen over night? NO. Is it gonna be easy? NO. Are you gonna want to give up again? YES. Is life gonna put you down? YES IT WILL and it will keep you there if you let it. I happen to think that you're too young to just give up and resign yourself to what others have put before you. As bad as the stuff you've seen and dealt with has been, I don't think you've earned the right to give up on everything you wanted out of life. But what do I know? I'm just a little bit older than you and my life has been stagnant for the past 7 years. Maybe I should give up too. Lord knows many people didn't expect me to get this far in life in the first place. You seem to have life figured out, so maybe I should be following your example.

Since we're talkin about a general sense of hopelessness and loneliness, how about the approaching Winter, right? Boy I hate this time of year. It's cold, the skies are usually overcast, the year comes to an end with a ton of things being unfinished or not even started, friends leave me to spend time with their family and romantic partners, I get to be reminded of my single status and my failed attempt at romance almost every day until after February, my mom gets depressed if she gains weight and I have to see her go through that, there's a convention I won't be going to this winter again cuz of my travel anxiety, and so much of the food of the season is hard for my stomach to handle.

Of course, then Spring comes and it warms up, the sun comes out, I remember to do a few things before I get bogged down by the rest of life, friends come back with funny stories, romance stuff goes back down to a more tolerable level, my mom eats healthy and loses that weight again, I can take more day trips to see my grandparents and wok on my travel anxiety since the weather is nicer, and with Summer around the corner, my favorite veggie (zucchini) will be in season soon.

Boy, that Winter sure is hopeless and lonely though. Not like Spring, which comes right after Winter. Please tell me some of this is getting through to you.

 

You aren't being rude. 

I'm just sorry for acting this way. And for my inactivity. I've been trying to make friends and I joined my college's anime club. I'm trying to patch things up with various others. And I'm breaking from social media since I don't think it's contributed to my mental health at all. 

I don't know what I want anymore tbh other than to be happy but that's probably too vague at this point. 

Sorry for acting so dumb and wasting your time man. I'm just doing all I can to be better on my end atm. You and nobody else deserve that. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The time for being sorry is over now because I've already forgiven you. IIt's not really that wanting to be happy is too vague. It's that you seem to stop at that want and don't consider all the ways you can do that. You don't plan to be happy, you want it to fall in your lap. You're too impatient with yourself and the world. When you try to improve your life and the change isn't immediately noticeable, you get frustrated and decide it isn't meant to be.If you have an uncomfortable or awkward interaction with someone, you blame yourself and decide you're not a good fit for that person. If somebody doesn't share all of your interests, you decide for them that you wouldn't be a good friend for them. At least, these are things that I've noticed you do. Quit deciding for everyone what they want from you. Quit telling me I've wasted my time. I say when it is a waste of time, not you. Think about what might make you happy. What has made you happy in the past? I know you've been happy before. For crying out loud, you got a compliment and encouragement from one of your favorite voice actors in person! Did that make you miserable? Might I add she is a model example of what we can accomplish by overcoming our mental issues too AND you held a perfectly normal conversation with her. Proof that it is possible and that it can lead to wonderful things. Don't be afraid to get sappy with yourself. I happen to have a note with an encouraging message written by me posted right next to my monitor.

Acknowledge this much: There is some goodness out there with your name on it. Times are bad, but they will be good and then they'll be bad again, only to become good again. Happiness is earned through hard work and determination much more than it is given freely.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, psycholuigiman said:

The time for being sorry is over now because I've already forgiven you. IIt's not really that wanting to be happy is too vague. It's that you seem to stop at that want and don't consider all the ways you can do that. You don't plan to be happy, you want it to fall in your lap. You're too impatient with yourself and the world. When you try to improve your life and the change isn't immediately noticeable, you get frustrated and decide it isn't meant to be.If you have an uncomfortable or awkward interaction with someone, you blame yourself and decide you're not a good fit for that person. If somebody doesn't share all of your interests, you decide for them that you wouldn't be a good friend for them. At least, these are things that I've noticed you do. Quit deciding for everyone what they want from you. Quit telling me I've wasted my time. I say when it is a waste of time, not you. Think about what might make you happy. What has made you happy in the past? I know you've been happy before. For crying out loud, you got a compliment and encouragement from one of your favorite voice actors in person! Did that make you miserable? Might I add she is a model example of what we can accomplish by overcoming our mental issues too AND you held a perfectly normal conversation with her. Proof that it is possible and that it can lead to wonderful things. Don't be afraid to get sappy with yourself. I happen to have a note with an encouraging message written by me posted right next to my monitor.

Acknowledge this much: There is some goodness out there with your name on it. Times are bad, but they will be good and then they'll be bad again, only to become good again. Happiness is earned through hard work and determination much more than it is given freely.

I'll try a bit more. It's all I can say. Though I still need to apologize to you, I'm sorry for everything. 

I'm trying to put myself out there and even then it's hard. Sometimes I have nothing to say or can't really hit it off with anyone. But I'm still trying 3 days a week to make something work. 

I'm just an awkward, imperfect person. I'm trying to be better. But that's all I can do. I don't have room to give up anyway. So I'm gonna keep going. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I accept your apology. Now quit apologizing. If you ever doubt that putting yourself out and trying is worth anything, you should try to remember that you and I never would've met had you not given me a chance. I mean, I still like talking to you. One day, I wanna play a game or watch a show with you. I know I don't regret offering a hand to you or the times we've just hung out in Discord. Anyway, you know where to find me. If you think you can't give up, then that's good. As much as you're apologizing, you ain't wronged me nearly bad enough for me to turn my back on you. I'll still be around when you're ready to just talk friendly like and stuff. Good luck, and I hope I ain't ever said anything to offend you. If I did, I'm sorry. I know I can get a little aggressive and desperate with my words sometimes and I end up saying stuff that can hurt more than it helps.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, psycholuigiman said:

I accept your apology. Now quit apologizing. If you ever doubt that putting yourself out and trying is worth anything, you should try to remember that you and I never would've met had you not given me a chance. I mean, I still like talking to you. One day, I wanna play a game or watch a show with you. I know I don't regret offering a hand to you or the times we've just hung out in Discord. Anyway, you know where to find me. If you think you can't give up, then that's good. As much as you're apologizing, you ain't wronged me nearly bad enough for me to turn my back on you. I'll still be around when you're ready to just talk friendly like and stuff. Good luck, and I hope I ain't ever said anything to offend you. If I did, I'm sorry. I know I can get a little aggressive and desperate with my words sometimes and I end up saying stuff that can hurt more than it helps.

It's fine. The truth isn't pretty. If it hurts it just means you were honest. I can tell it wasn't out of malice.  Thanks for understanding. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

KCDPN

I dont know if i can articulate, or add anything useful....but you have to be careful about accepting defeat in depression. There is a weird comfort in accepting it, and just wallowing in it...and lying in bed doing nothing, not going out etc. Its called self fulfilling prophecy. You have to force yourself to not accept defeat, and keep fighting no matter what. Think of some Rambo warrior type of guy...or Churchill...."Never Surrender"..not a history buff so thats prob not accurate, but you get the idea.

Youve heard the saying: "you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince" ok, so thats a chick saying, anyway the more you try, the better your odds. 

Stop beating yourself up, life is challenging enough. Love yourself. Others will when you give them the chance....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok, thought so...just checked elsewhere...youre the guy into making electronic music. So have you hung around music stores, local bands, guys jamming in their garage, online forums for things like that? If i could go back in time, thats what I'd do. 

Do you listen to music? I couldnt survive without it. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

Announcements

×
×
  • Create New...