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Losing_myself

Hurting again

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I'm currently sat in the tub, with the saddest songs I know feeling the calmest I've been all day. 

Ive had depression and anxiety for 15 years and still feel guilty about it. Nothing triggered it, it's thought it's just a chemical imbalance as by all accounts I have a pretty perfect life... On the surface. 

My depression has led me to some extreme behaviours overspending getting myself into nearly 10k worth of debt, obsessing over characters a d films for weeks on end, binge watching programmes, what I think is a binge eating disorder amongst others. I'm so lost and unmotivated and don't feel like I have anyone to talk to without feeling embarrassed or understood. 

 

There's so much in my head right now I feel so heavy and overwhelmed. I want to feel numb. 

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26 minutes ago, Losing_myself said:

I'm currently sat in the tub, with the saddest songs I know feeling the calmest I've been all day. 

Ive had depression and anxiety for 15 years and still feel guilty about it. Nothing triggered it, it's thought it's just a chemical imbalance as by all accounts I have a pretty perfect life... On the surface. 

My depression has led me to some extreme behaviours overspending getting myself into nearly 10k worth of debt, obsessing over characters a d films for weeks on end, binge watching programmes, what I think is a binge eating disorder amongst others. I'm so lost and unmotivated and don't feel like I have anyone to talk to without feeling embarrassed or understood. 

 

There's so much in my head right now I feel so heavy and overwhelmed. I want to feel numb. 

I’m sorry my friend to hear that today 

isn’t one of your best days.  I Pray that you 

receieve some comfort and peace real

soon my friend and we are here for you.

 

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

 

 

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Welcome friend to our forum family.

You need not feel guilty about depression.

Everyone of us has a vast, deep, dark, depression cave metaphorically speaking of course.

Not every one will fall into this emptiness and become lost and trapped.

Our goal here is to not leave anyone behind in their depression cave.

Welcome again and keep posting.

It really can help to unload.

We can take it.

Oscar 

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I also want to welcome you to the Forums,  Losing_myself.  I hope this site will be a refuge for you and that you will feel amongst friends.  Depression is a such a cruel and brutal illness! ! !

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Welcome Losing_myself! You are not alone. I feel like you do at times. My heart goes out to you. It may help to read other's posts, respond if you can, and keep posting yourself. Glad that you are here.

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22 minutes ago, BeyondWeary said:

Welcome Losing_myself! You are not alone. I feel like you do at times. My heart goes out to you. It may help to read other's posts, respond if you can, and keep posting yourself. Glad that you are here.

Yes, there are a lot of moments where you 

feel so alone in this world but you are not 

because when you are around

understanding people, who gets you, you

are among family and friends,who will not

desert you on a island 🌴 by yourself.  

Hang in there my friend because help-is on 

it’s way.    :hugs:

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Thanks everyone. I feel so frustrated because I have a loving family but I don't feel comfortable sharing with them. Part in fear for their response, their confusion, their disgust, they're sadness. I honestly don't feel like I have anyone to listen to me and tell me why my brain is so screwed. 

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Hi, I'm sorry you are not feeling well.  Depression is truly evil in that it isolates you from even those who love you and paralyzes you.  It really messes with your mind where like you said, even though you have everything & your life is "pretty perfect" you can't enjoy it.  It's a battle of the mind, I think.  I just wanted to challenge your thought that it's just chemical imbalance.  I am fully aware that professionals say it & they believe it, but as someone who's been there and walked through that darkness, I am not fully on board with it.  I agree that the label "chemical imbalance" helps us understand that we shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed.  It's not our fault.  But oftentimes, I think it takes away our weapons and the incentive to fight this monster as it assures us that it's not our fault!  It blames chemical imbalance but it also puts us in a state of helplessness as a victim.  

I recently heard a quote by French philosopher Sartre who said "Life is C between B and D."  Our life is full of C-hoices between B-irth and D-eath.  From the moment we open our eyes in the morning until we close them at night, we are making choice after choice...  will we get up now? hit snooze? listen to music? read a book? go out? stay in? Depression hijacks our ability to choose.  It says we are helpless, we can't override the chemical imbalance.  I think we need to examine what we believe.  Are we just victims?  Is there no hope for those who struggle with depression?  I don't believe that.   But I also know that the battle is not an easy one, and cannot be fought alone.  I think we can enlist medicine & counselors to help us balance chemicals while we learn to take back our life.  I didn't have access to medicine, but I did have my church and my small group that helped me focus and see the lies I was believing in.  The fight was long and really hard.  I had no hope when I began this journey many decades ago, but I have learned to make choices, learned to accept myself, learned to appreciate life in small and big things.  I learned to love, learned to hope, learned to trust.

It breaks my heart to see your struggles, but please don't let your depression hijack your life.  Make choices to take back your life.  Don't try to make a drastic change, but make each choice count.  Enlist friends/family/pastor/doctor/counselor, etc to come to support you in this battle.  

~hugs

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Welcome losing myself, i too have what looks like a perfect life on the surface but thats because no one who knows me from 15 years ago to now knows what my past was, as far as family goes i struggled with that also but once i took the leap of faith and was open with them, ( now it took them a while ) i gained people who could listen and sympathize even though they really didnt truly understand, but that was enough for me

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YouTube link 'Amazing Grace'; PM member for link.

Edited by 20YearsandCounting
remove [bad] YouTube link;had something extra that I did not need.

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