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Need Help Please


Deraj

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Don't know if this is the correct place to post this or not, so I'm sorry if it isn't.  

This is going to be a bit long so sorry in advance. I really need some advice. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years now. when I was younger ( in late 20's now) I dealt with it by way of drugs. When I was still in high school I started using angel dust and cocaine to cope with my severely abusive father and the depression and anxiety that came with that. Once I got a bit older I started using pills. It seemed like a just kept taking more and more. I would go from suicidal moments to moments of just being completely dead inside. While on all the drugs I overdosed and clinically died 3 times. That seemed to scare me enough to stay away from them for a while. Around this time my father died in his sleep. I was the one who found him as he was making a death rattle. I kept performing chest compressions and CPR but he was already dead. I felt so sick inside, because this was one of the happiest times of my life it felt like, as if a huge weight was lifted from my chest. It made me feel so guilty as if I had killed him. About a year or so after this my step father passed away, he was one of the only people I could talk to about anything, and he never judged. He helped me through some very hard times and difficult issues. So needless to say I was crushed. After this I was homeless while taking care of my blind mother and younger brother who was still in high school at the time. We were homeless for about 2 years, bouncing from various friends to family until they grew tired of us and we were back in our car on the streets again. A year after that we finally found stable housing, my brother and I found jobs I had been clean for almost 3 years at this point. Things were looking good. After 6 months of things being good and seeming okay, my mother died in her sleep, I was again the one who found her and again did CPR to no avail. After this I felt like I was completely lost, I started using pills again but this time started drinking heavily as well. Every night I would blackout and in the morning wake up not knowing what had happened. The alcohol just made me feel numb and pretty soon I ran out of pills. So I turned to sex to try and fill the ever growing void, and again would blackout every night and wake up with a different girl every morning. I had lost my job at this point so I had much more time for indulging myself. Pretty soon my brother lost his job. Again we were homeless. We decided we need to get as far away from the painful memories as we could so we moved as far away as we could. During this time I found a job and have had it ever since, I have been clean and sober for 5 years now. Lately things are just getting harder. As far as family my brother and I are all we have left. So the loneliness is pretty evident. The anxiety and depression coupled with the constant nightmares feel like they are slowly eating away at my sanity. It feels as if my brain is screaming. I met this girl I really like and I want to get to know her better. Whenever I am around her it is as if every horrible thing in my life disappears and the world just kind of melts away and she and I are all that's left. Even something as simple as asking her out for coffee becomes an insurmountable  mountain. My anxiety and depression constantly screaming, telling me if I ask her she is going to laugh and ask what makes me think I could ever be on the same level as her. When rationality finally kicks in the anxiety keeps screaming shes probably in a relationship or married or your not worthy anyway. Anytime I have ever been with women it has been purely for sex and I desperately want something more. Whenever I've talked to women its always been drunk or high. I cant even talk to a woman I like clean and sober which makes the loneliness ever more present. What is really starting to scare me is I'm starting to miss the drugs. They never told me I was ugly, unworthy of love, they silenced the screaming in my head. They gave me the confidence I so desperately needed. I don't want to go back to my old ways no matter how much the anxiety and depression keep saying once an addict always an addict. I know if I go back I will most likely die and this time for good. The temptation of it terrifies me. I don't want my anxiety and depression to ruin the chance I could have of a fulfilling relationship with someone who makes all this crap disappear all because of what ifs. I don't know if anyone can help me or not, or if I'm just destined to be alone with only the drugs to keep me company. Please any advice is very welcome. Thank You. 

P.S. Sorry this came out so unfiltered.

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Welcome Deraj! Glad that you found us. Wow, you have been through a lot. So glad that you have stayed sober for 5 years now! I think the best thing would be finding  a good therapist to help you work through your issues. Maybe even a psychiatrist also would help. Hang in there. You are not alone. Also read other's posts, respond if you can, and keep posting yourself will help. It may take a bit to receive responses as we are all dealing with a lot too.

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Thank you for the reply I am in the process of finding a therapist. It's just the loneliness is starting to really get to me. The anxiety making me second guess myself is really starting to get old. Just wish I had that confidence back.

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Welcome to the forum my new friend,

we are hear for you.   If you are feeling 

depress and anxiety maybe you can go

get some medicine to help deal with that 

part as you wait for your therapist 

appointment.  Also some local churches 

offer counseling during certain days of the 

week my friend and I do understand the 

numb feeling of isolation and seeking 

compaionship with girls to help feel 

some form of closeness with another 

person even if it’s just for a moment.

Hang in there and I pray that you can 

find relief for your problems like I did.

 

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I am sorry you are feeling this way. If you feel in crisis call 911 or National  Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255. there is also the Crisis Text Line at 741741 and a professional will text you back. I hope you find a counselor soon. 

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