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Journey has been so tiring and long-need hope again (triggers possible?)


lp44

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I'm not new to the forums but its been a very long time since I've posted here.  My story will not be unique....nor will my current state of mind.

I'm at such a loss in my life right now.  I have fought so hard to do everything I can do to fight the depression....which is really a co existing thing for me.  I made the decision to go to residential treatment for a few weeks a little over a year ago(doesnt matter what for).....came home and ended a long toxic marriage (right thing to do...but MAJOR fallout occurred as I knew it would)  I've been in therapy for about 4 years.  I feel like I have fought.....been courageous ...my gosh have I done things that took so much courage.

Yet here I am....not wondering if my actions were the right ones....they were(regarding treatment and divorce).  But....wondering how much longer I have to struggle before hope emerges.  I can't just eternally do this.  Its hard to fight sh urges.  Its hard to continually fight suicidal urges.

Just a place to put this I guess. I really don't know where to go from here.

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i would say you certainly have the courage to keep fighting, maybe as time goes on and distance grows from the time you have had to make such hard life changing decisions things will settle down, people will get less angry and you will be able to move on and be the person you wish to be,  sounds to me like you had a great understanding of what the consequences of your decisions would be and they were well thought out, now all you need to do is weather the storm and begin to rebuild yourself mentally, once you get there a good maintenance plan to keep yourself mentally well on a daily basis would help 

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16 hours ago, surfcaster said:

i would say you certainly have the courage to keep fighting, maybe as time goes on and distance grows from the time you have had to make such hard life changing decisions things will settle down, people will get less angry and you will be able to move on and be the person you wish to be,  sounds to me like you had a great understanding of what the consequences of your decisions would be and they were well thought out, now all you need to do is weather the storm and begin to rebuild yourself mentally, once you get there a good maintenance plan to keep yourself mentally well on a daily basis would help 

Thank you for your reply.  I did have an understanding of how costly my decision would be for me due to who I was married to....however I dont think I counted on the ugliness and hypocrisy of people to quite the level I have experienced...but so be it.  Weathering the storm...yea thats the challenge.  I have been but I am so battle worn at this point.  Its hard to see that I have any reserves left.

Thanks for the support

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9 hours ago, JD4010 said:

@lp44 Sorry for all of the crap you've been through...but good on you for getting away from the toxicity and seeking treatment.

Bringing back hope would be a wonderful thing, eh?

Thank you 🙂  The toxicity would have resulted in my trying to take my own life for sure....I had to get out.  

Perhaps at some point hope will be there  again. 

Thanks again...

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So sorry for all you are going through yet thanks for posting as I can so relate. I worked really hard for about 20 years and especially the last 5. I don’t see any other issues I can work on and yet in some ways my mental illness is worse to live with. Thanks for your honest sharing. It is nice to know again that I am not alone in this. 

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20 hours ago, BeyondWeary said:

So sorry for all you are going through yet thanks for posting as I can so relate. I worked really hard for about 20 years and especially the last 5. I don’t see any other issues I can work on and yet in some ways my mental illness is worse to live with. Thanks for your honest sharing. It is nice to know again that I am not alone in this. 

Thanks for responding.  I am sorry to know you can identify honestly.  I hope things can get better for you.

  I just dont know what to do with working hard to achieve something....to get to a better place....then stagnating so much and not knowing how to make it better.

Guess I hope things get better for both of us

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My friend I do understand and I’m trying 

to learn how to enjoy my

accomplishments in life as well.  I have 

worked really hard the last 30 years and I 

have the majority of stuff that I have 

always wanted but I don’t enjoy it.  

However I’m trying to learn new

techniques how to enjoy life without

 the approvals of other people

satisfaction.   😃

 

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On 10/30/2018 at 8:03 AM, Floor2017 said:

My friend I do understand and I’m trying 

to learn how to enjoy my

accomplishments in life as well.  I have 

worked really hard the last 30 years and I 

have the majority of stuff that I have 

always wanted but I don’t enjoy it.  

However I’m trying to learn new

techniques how to enjoy life without

 the approvals of other people

satisfaction.   😃

 

"without the approval of other people"  

I do think that is a pretty critical element in the "recipe of life"  

Thank you for posting. 🙂  I wish you continued success.  Its so hard, isnt it?!

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On 10/29/2018 at 12:09 AM, lp44 said:

I dont think I counted on the ugliness and hypocrisy of people to quite the level I have experienced

Yours was a painful post for me to read.  As some folks here know, you've just described the past month of my life.  I want to address the courage part of it, since I think we're on the same page.  You and I know just how much courage it's taken us personally to fight these battles.  I don't have words to describe the effort.  Since I'm still just crawling out of it, my frustration is that there's rarely anyone who recognizes the superhuman effort it's required for me to push forward, even when I know there will be pushback from those who clearly don't give a damn about me.  There have been so many times the past few weeks I wish I'd died while I was in the hospital - medical issue - a few weeks ago.

If anything, I can reassure you that your actions were the right ones.  Exactly the same as my actions were the right ones.  And, no, I don't think either one of us expected such vicious, sustained counterattacks from all sides.  They've drained the very life outta me.  I've been in pure survival mode most of the time.

There have been two professionals, a therapist and an NP, who have supported me unconditionally.  Without them...well, you know the rest of that story.

idk if this is useful.  In my condition, I'm physically weak, the docs saying I need a month to recuperate (at exactly the same time all this sh#t was hitting the fan, as though they were just waiting to kick me when I was down...with a new damned surprise every effin' day).  One area for which I've fought is that space to recover.  I've told more than a few people I'm sick, I need recovery time and if they can't respect that, then they can go to hell.  As much as possible, I've cut every toxic person out of my life or severely restricted their access to me.  I can't afford not to.

Good heavens, @lp44, I'm hoping you find little bits of peace to help you recharge.

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On 11/1/2018 at 8:49 PM, MarkintheDark said:

Yours was a painful post for me to read.  As some folks here know, you've just described the past month of my life.  I want to address the courage part of it, since I think we're on the same page.  You and I know just how much courage it's taken us personally to fight these battles.  I don't have words to describe the effort.  Since I'm still just crawling out of it, my frustration is that there's rarely anyone who recognizes the superhuman effort it's required for me to push forward, even when I know there will be pushback from those who clearly don't give a damn about me.  There have been so many times the past few weeks I wish I'd died while I was in the hospital - medical issue - a few weeks ago.

If anything, I can reassure you that your actions were the right ones.  Exactly the same as my actions were the right ones.  And, no, I don't think either one of us expected such vicious, sustained counterattacks from all sides.  They've drained the very life outta me.  I've been in pure survival mode most of the time.

There have been two professionals, a therapist and an NP, who have supported me unconditionally.  Without them...well, you know the rest of that story.

idk if this is useful.  In my condition, I'm physically weak, the docs saying I need a month to recuperate (at exactly the same time all this sh#t was hitting the fan, as though they were just waiting to kick me when I was down...with a new damned surprise every effin' day).  One area for which I've fought is that space to recover.  I've told more than a few people I'm sick, I need recovery time and if they can't respect that, then they can go to hell.  As much as possible, I've cut every toxic person out of my life or severely restricted their access to me.  I can't afford not to.

Good heavens, @lp44, I'm hoping you find little bits of peace to help you recharge.

Thank you for posting. I'm sorry you relate to what I am talking about.  You are completely right when you say that "I have no words to describe the effort.  Since I'm just crawling out of it, my frustration is that there's rarely anyone who recognizes the superhuman effort its required for me to push forward..."  Every day I feel like this....life is swirling around me and all I can think most days is " ok I'm super concerned for my mental health.  IDK if I can keep going very much longer.  Something bad is going to happen."

I understand "I wish I had died too"  I very much hope your body can heal as it should...that makes everything else easier.  Im thankful that you do have the support from the therapist and NP.  Those things literally become a life line.

"Space to recover"  I need this very much so....I have kept going wide open because life dictated that I must.  I have bills to pay and not enough savings to take time off.  

"Cut off every toxic person out of my life....I cant afford not to"  Yep...it comes down to that no matter what it looks like to the outside world.  They dont know its literally needed for survival....even those that think they get it...or mean to get it really dont.

I too...hope you are able to heal and move forward with a new sense of purpose.  I think thats what scares me most....I need a sense of purpose back.

Thanks again...

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