Am I alone about this? I care about people that do not even exist!!!!

[Anonymous85 9]

It's been a few years since I last visited this forum. So much have happened in my life, and I have learned so much about myself and how to cope with some of my depression and anxiety. In fact, I've actully managed to get my self-esteem back. I know my limits now and I have gone from suicide attempt six years ago, to a semi-happy person. But I'm not gonna lie, things are not perfect.. In fact, after a divorce and two broken relationship afterwards, I'm broken. I'm 33 years old and I still often feel that my life is over. That it's too late to find a new girlfriend or wife, that no one will care again etc etc.. Depression is still there, even though I have managed to control somehow. I feel extremely lonely at times.

There is one area I have not managed to control at all, and I have no idea where it stems from.. I can get this intense sad feeling. Sort of hyper-empathy(???) if you may call it.. Let's take an example. I have this app on my phone that's called "Help 113". An app for instant ambulance in case of emergency. One of these days I was scrolling through my apps and I saw this one. I immediately in my head heard an innocent person yelling for help. An innocent person that has not asked to be born in to this word.. I hear him/her cry for help while they burn slowly to death in their appartment. Their screams and cry for help and no-one can hear them.. I feel this intense sadness, and I also think about this fictive person's past. Him or her's childhood.. Their interests.. Learning an instrument, learning to cook, saying "mama" and "daddy" their first time. Their smile and joy in life, just to be ****ing killed the worst horrible way out of nothing..

I have another example also, it's so absurd and weird that I have no words for it.. I was scrolling through this tech magazine online. I saw that nVidia (a graphic card computer company) has made a new technology so that far less computing power is needed for running games at fluid framerates.. And then all of a sudden I think of ATI, their competitor, and that nVidia has ****ed them over again and again.. Then I suddenly start to think of ATI employees. I imagine nVidia ****ing them over so bad that all of the employees are ultimately left without jobs. And then dies of hunger etc.. What about the employees families etc etc..  It's so ****ing absurd I have no word!! My brain is playing out the whole scenario in the worst of ways.

These things have stuck with me since I was a child. My old psychriatist had no explanation for it. She just called it depression.. I have this ability to intensively put my self in other people shoes. And to make the matter worse, I have an extremely strong memory of things that are related to feelings.. If I have said or done someting to my previous girlfriends that made them cry or something like that.. I feel their pain still after so many years. I still feel and hear their cries and despair. I can even open up my kitchen closet and find a blender that I got as a gift from my previous girlfriend, and I immediatly picture her as an innocent being that made economically and emotional sacrifices just to give me (a ****ing shitty person) a gift. She gave that gift to me from hear heart... Obectively I know that I'm not the sole reason for the breakup, we both had responsibilities.. But I still take ALL the responsibilities when such feelings occurs. And I start to cry... I can't handle gifts, because they tie me to the negative things that I've done to that person, instead of appreciating the love.. I'd rather not get a gift at all.. Now I'm just left with extreme anxiety to **** up my next relationship.. How the hell am I supposed to NOT be afraid to lose that next relationship? These intense hyper ematphic feelings can occurs right out of nowhere. Even just a few minutes after I've felt extreme happyness, I can be hit by this intense epic sadness because of some fictive episode in my head.. Key part here is that it is ALWAYS an episode in my head that triggers it.. Which makes me believe it's tied to traumas. So it's not COMPLETELY out of nowhere. It lies there, lurking all the time.

And an extra question to someone that might be able to answer this: Why do I feel that girls are steering clear of me? I feel that girls sees me as an alien. I know I have good looks, I can play the guitar very well, I can sing, I can show affection and love.. I don't understand why I feel that it is so hard to get someone to be interested in me.. I'm not taking a sucker role in social settings. I'm actually pretty funny most of the times also.. I feel alone.

[Anonymous85 9]

Feel free to move the thread if I posted on the wrong one. Was not sure where to post this.. Or delete it alltogether if it's too weird, which I know it is.

[SugaredSloth 1,286]

Hi Anonymous85,

I can’t relate to everything you mentioned, but I can tell you that you’re not alone in the confusion of empathy. I feel extreme empathy pretty much every day, enough to make me sick sometimes.

I wish I could give you more insight. Do you think these episodes might be a reflection of the feelings you are experiencing due to your broken relationships? Perhaps you would benefit from talking to a counselor to sort out some of your more recent emotional stresses.

I hope you find some relief soon, friend.

x-SS

[Pete2019 1]

I took some psych in college, but far from a psychologist. It sounds like fantasy as a coping mechanism. It's easier to deal with feelings when you project them onto other people and witness their feelings second-hand (even if the feelings are intense due to empathy). It's what we do in dreams sometimes. Rather than dealing with our emotions, thoughts, and desires directly, we create a dream character who has those emotions, thoughts, and desires. Then we either judge that character, or we empathize and grow to incorporate those aspects of our self into our self image.

Like I said, not a psychologist. But I'd do like Jung suggested. Take a good hard look at what you're perceiving in others that bothers you or catches your interest. You may learn more about yourself than you'd ever hope to learn.

[Anonymous85 9]

Thanks. Sorry for late reply, I didn't get notified in my email when the first answer appeared. It's very interesting aspect, that I may portray my feelings on a fantasy character. Those feelings gets really strong sometimes. And I think my broken relationships broke me really bad and made me doubt myself very much in all such new relationship situations.. Like, I'm constantly thinking that I am a lesser person than everyone else around me. And I always put others before myself in pretty much every social setting..

My best friend and also my brother is also telling me that I might find it harder to start a new relationship not only because of that self-doubt, but also because my looks are above average (Not saying this to boast or brag).. That people tend to subconsciously demand more of me than they do of others.. And that with my extreme sense of hyper-empathy I pick up on that very fast, and in turn makes me even more insecure. I have tried to talk to a shrink, but after a while I came to the conclusion that it's of no use for me any more. They had some basic steps to cope with anxiety and all of that, but my core problems are very deep, and I am very aware of them. Half of the shrink's job was already done when I walked in that door the first time, because of that.

I think I need to find a way to cope with my depression and suicide thoughts some other way.. I need to take back my lost self esteem somehow, just don't know exactly how.. A friend of mine says I should use what I have, the looks, and start using it and just start believe that I am good enough for someone. She told me from a female perspective that I (again, not to brag or boast) am dangerously handsome and that I should start using that.. But like you guys have seen in my first post, I am not much of a believer in myself. To me it seems to bring me more disappointment than any good. I wish I was more average and not judged up and down all the freaking time.. People seems to get scared of me and have a distance as soon as they can. Putting out rumours that I am arrogant and all that.. Why? Maybe I didn't see that person at a party or something? See, I do not only FEEL I am being judged, I obviously am being judged.. And this is very hard to cope with when dealing with depression and low self-esteem and also extreme sense of loneliness.. I'm soon 34 years old and I feel it's too late.. That I should have coped with this way way before.. All of my twenties has not been anything other than tragedies upon tragedies. I'm stuck with extreme guilt, shame and self-disgust. Guess it's a trait I was given by a horrible family and an even more horrible ex wife. Just sucked all the life out of me and killed me from within..  I just don't know where to start anymore

[Pete2019 1]

On ‎2‎/‎23‎/‎2019 at 5:58 AM, Anonymous85 said:

Thanks. Sorry for late reply, I didn't get notified in my email when the first answer appeared. It's very interesting aspect, that I may portray my feelings on a fantasy character. Those feelings gets really strong sometimes. And I think my broken relationships broke me really bad and made me doubt myself very much in all such new relationship situations.. Like, I'm constantly thinking that I am a lesser person than everyone else around me. And I always put others before myself in pretty much every social setting..

My best friend and also my brother is also telling me that I might find it harder to start a new relationship not only because of that self-doubt, but also because my looks are above average (Not saying this to boast or brag).. That people tend to subconsciously demand more of me than they do of others.. And that with my extreme sense of hyper-empathy I pick up on that very fast, and in turn makes me even more insecure. I have tried to talk to a shrink, but after a while I came to the conclusion that it's of no use for me any more. They had some basic steps to cope with anxiety and all of that, but my core problems are very deep, and I am very aware of them. Half of the shrink's job was already done when I walked in that door the first time, because of that.

I think I need to find a way to cope with my depression and suicide thoughts some other way.. I need to take back my lost self esteem somehow, just don't know exactly how.. A friend of mine says I should use what I have, the looks, and start using it and just start believe that I am good enough for someone. She told me from a female perspective that I (again, not to brag or boast) am dangerously handsome and that I should start using that.. But like you guys have seen in my first post, I am not much of a believer in myself. To me it seems to bring me more disappointment than any good. I wish I was more average and not judged up and down all the freaking time.. People seems to get scared of me and have a distance as soon as they can. Putting out rumours that I am arrogant and all that.. Why? Maybe I didn't see that person at a party or something? See, I do not only FEEL I am being judged, I obviously am being judged.. And this is very hard to cope with when dealing with depression and low self-esteem and also extreme sense of loneliness.. I'm soon 34 years old and I feel it's too late.. That I should have coped with this way way before.. All of my twenties has not been anything other than tragedies upon tragedies. I'm stuck with extreme guilt, shame and self-disgust. Guess it's a trait I was given by a horrible family and an even more horrible ex wife. Just sucked all the life out of me and killed me from within..  I just don't know where to start anymore

You think a lot. Too much. Introspection is great, but over-analysis is going to make you see a lot that isn't there. Exercise intensely for at least an hour a day, get into a regular sleep schedule, and consider getting an SSRI (either a prescription or buy some St. John's Wort over the counter).

Fear is fear. You're afraid of forming new attachments. That's fine. It doesn't help to know why you're afraid. It doesn't even necessarily help pushing your boundaries out a bit to expand your comfort zone. Things happen naturally, and old wounds heal whether you analyze the circumstances that led to them or not.

Say "I don't want to think about that" and then throw yourself into something. A long run, maybe, or a book. I used to think that I had to consciously pay attention to all my feelings, but the truth is... you can leave them alone. Sit back and watch your thoughts go by, and then let them go instead of chasing after each one. Resist the urge to cling to melancholy just because it's better to feel something than nothing. You'd be surprised at how mentally and emotionally healthy it can be to just avoid your thoughts and feelings. They come out on their own after a while. You work through them in dreams, by random associations with things going on in your life, etc. Basically... live for right now. What happened doesn't exist anymore, and what will happen doesn't exist yet. All there is to focus on is right now.

Get out and do something fun. Stop taking life so seriously. Everything will be fine.

[MarkintheDark 6,174]

Your OP is very detailed and clear.  You've obviously got a handle on your symptoms, your history, and even your strengths.  That puts you miles ahead of many of us.

You mentioned your old psychiatrist simply attributed it to "depression."  To my ears, that sounds like a bit of a professional cop-out.  You're obviously in distress...and, even with only your life events of the past few years, with good reason.

Yes, many of us here have heightened empathy.  To me, it's one burdensome aspect of our depression.  That said, however, it sounds like this is something that needs to be explored and treated professionally. 

Like any of us with depression, it's not something you can just snap out of.  Clinical depression is a biochemical issue that has nothing to do with being weak, undisciplined or lacking willpower.  To be clear, none of us are here in a professional capacity.  Nor is it ever appropriate for any of us to criticize or shame the experience of others in this forum.

Are you in a position where you could at least find a therapist or another psychiatrist so you can find some relief?

Edited February 24, 2019 by MarkintheDark

[Epictetus 18,856]

Hi Anonymous85,

     Your posts really resonates with me, maybe because I felt and thought some of the same things you describe.  I think MarkintheDark has given you some good advice.  I wish I had some wisdom to offer you from my own personal experience, but sadly I do not.  I am really sorry for all the suffering you are going through.  I hope things will get better for you ! ! !  Thank-you for what you wrote in your posts.  You have really helped me.   - epictetus

[Anonymous85 9]

Thank you so much guys! Means a lot to know that there is someone somewhere knowing what I'm going through and understanding some of it. Sadly there is no psuchriatist that I can trust myself to.. Because here is the issue: I am so aware of my distress and where it stems from, that just the idea of starting to explain it all to a new person is a really heavy task.. Because I feel that I have to talk to that shrink for 200+ hours before he/she can start to understand that "hey, this patient is actually really aware of where it all stems from", and given that I am going through so much stress, I cannot bear the thought of starting with this now, which would further exaggerate the stress that I am feeling. If I am to find a new shrink, I really need to know that he/she is a good shrink that I can talk to, and that they are aware of how aware I am beforehand.. I cringe by the thought of them asking "what do you feel about that right now?", "Are you angry with this person now?", "How was your childhood?".. All these barebone questions, so simple (yet effective for many, I know). To me it's a daunting task and I don't know if I can handle that stress... Those 20 hours I had with my previous shrink, I was horribly dreading to go there. Three days prior to the appointment, I started to stress and dread for the meeting, because i KNEW that she would not understand me to the fullest.

I know that these process is a lengthy process, and that it should take more than 20 hours to start healing. But it's the stress around it that's breaking me even more.. I've developed eye disease CSCR directly because of stress, my stomack problem with gastrisis and hernia, inflammation and really bad gut health because of stress is also breaking me.. Just the thought of going to a shrink is going to be the straw that is breaking the camels back. I need to try to find a softer way to enter this whole shrink domain.. Maybe by doing what I am doing right now, writing to you stranger kind and caring people, It really helps!

Edited February 27, 2019 by Anonymous85

[Anonymous85 9]

On 2/24/2019 at 9:25 PM, Epictetus said:

Hi Anonymous85,

     Your posts really resonates with me, maybe because I felt and thought some of the same things you describe.  I think MarkintheDark has given you some good advice.  I wish I had some wisdom to offer you from my own personal experience, but sadly I do not.  I am really sorry for all the suffering you are going through.  I hope things will get better for you ! ! !  Thank-you for what you wrote in your posts.  You have really helped me.   - epictetus

Not to dig in to your past or anything, but may I ask how you are experiencing it? I think it will help me to not feel alone.