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Natasha1

Creativity When Depressed #3

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Time for a refresh thread. The following is the opener from the 2nd thread: 

highanxiety    

highanxiety
 
Thought I would reintroduce this topic because it was so successful the first time round.  The first thread developed by a highly creative member, stirred so much interest, and became a safe venue for members to contribute their feelings through artistic expression.  Rather that be writing poetry, songs, drawing and paintings, or just thoughts and feelings.  So many beautiful things were shared in the first thread.  So much talent.  Shall we try again? 

 

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Winds of Hell

The wind is howling through the trees and my ears. I smell it like a bee smells the Lavender, and I am afraid it will take me away like seeds of the Dandelion. 

Only the seeds land on infertile soil.

They die as my inner hurricane rushes through, breathing its hate into all of my thoughts.

No control. Just chaos.

That voice honstantly tells me things, as the memories gust through common sense. The things no one would understand.

But I do.

And I act accordingly.  Hurting, hurting. Wilting. Dying.

Fly Dorothy, fly.

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Fertility

One cant expect
a seed to grow
without rich soil
And spacious rows

The water and sun,
They have their place
In order to create
A vibrant face

One must nurture
the plant to breed
and if they're lucky
They'll get one seed

If one looks more closely
(Using vision that they lack)
The seed, half dead, too tiny,
With a monstrous crack

The flower is pretty
It has its needs
One must be willing
To give, to feed

But MY flower, my flower

No seeds to make
No seeds to take
No seeds to plant
Or more flowers to breathtake

Here is my reality
I will never truly see
that Nature's rhythm, tone and song
wont be here for very long

Tick tock goes the sun
The flower, once pretty

But now

It dies and dies
And dies again

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Backpack 

 

Got all I own in my backpack

So any moment I can back track

Float away and never come back down

Run away and never come back now

 

Been living life like you told me

Keeping light just like you showed me

You said these people only hold me down

So nobody gets to hold me now

 

Backpack, backup plan, escape route

Steady feet, eyes up, gotta watch out

I never cry, don’t even sleep now

No one will ever catch me on the ground

 

We both know there’s no such thing as a safe zone

But your arms were the one place I felt home

Since you left, my heart has been closed down

Back in my backpack, all I own now

Edited by SugaredSloth

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Mortality

Under a blanket of cold stars, we were born flawed
From our first breath to our last, the lights whispered
We listened, eager for the story it carved on our hearts
In our minds bloomed a future so beautifully untouchable
That we wept until until our bodies grew still, chilled
Shivering under the burden of a less distant dark
We were fools to believe our heat would be enough
But we were brave and we tried to survive through friction alone
Silently we prayed to the blackened sky
Begging for time to delay the gathering ice
The moon yawned as it fell close enough to see our eyes
I don’t know why I thought it drew nearer out of adoration 
Why I was so certain that it would recognize in us something vital
The way I did, something worth saving
That it would change its natural course just this once
But it was unconcerned by the simplicity of our human desires
Unaffected by the sadness it saw in our slow death
So we watched it pass us quietly by
Leaving the night air more dense than it was before it came
Your hand pressed into mine until I no longer felt it
And we lay, frozen grass like shards of glass beneath our weight
As frost crept over our bodies like a death shroud
And like a blanket of cold stars, we were extinguished
Before the light could find us

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2.73 K

 

They say

The background radiation 

The temperature of the universe

Is proof of something

The Big Bang

Or an echo

Of the voice of god

It's cold out there

Like it is here

Go on feel my heart

Ice cold to touch

There is nothing really there

Like the emptiness

Out there 

If god existed

He left with a bang

Haha

I'm leaving too

Soon

No big bang though

Just cold oblivion

No one will speak of us when we are dead 

Believe me

They barely do when we are around

The whisper of 2.73 K

Nothing else

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
  •  

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I

Such a big word.

I know.
I am the problem.
I am a bad wife
I am a bad housewife.

(Wait a minute.)

I work too.

I know my job isn't that important in your opinion.

I like to think that
I make a difference

(at least)

I know
I know you say your job is so stressful
I believe you.
I dont need you to tell me  based on premise and statistics and
I welcome you talking about it
I know you need to let it out
I know you need to but

I don't deserve you negating my own stress like
I am not special enough to feel

I know

I am the problem
I am the reason we have issues and
I am not allowed to have issues

(But I do)

i

Such a big word

i

i know
i know you like it when

i feel so small

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Anima, or the Void

After my Fall
After the realization 
Of emptiness, despair
And all that jazz
I had a vision of you
So many years ago now
And today I saw you again
Well nearly
She looked a lot like you
Just like the last time 
After the Epiphany
Years ago
Somewhere 
In an ancient city
Of an empire now gone
I saw you sightseeing
Where I was too
I looked at you 
For quite a while 
And my heart skipped a beat
When you turned towards me but
Then I turned away
Because it wasn't you after all
But this girl on the train
Just an hour ago
This time all dressed in black
Leather pants and all
 Blonde hair all over the place
 blue eyes
Smiling at something
I could barely keep my eyes off you
But then I did glance away
Because it wasn't her
It wasn't you


My Love

If you are out there
perhaps it's not you I seek
Perhaps it's me
Perhaps it was me all along
The Halo
Of blonde hair
The blue eyes
Opposed to the
 Pitch black holes of mine
The Passion
The connection
The acceptance
 Warts and all
Something to 
Gently turn around
Make something out of
The utter emptiness
That is indeed me
So perhaps all I need 
 Is the Girl within
To make me whole
Or at least 
To make peace with myself
The imploding Void 


 

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Melody Of Loss

Notes crack. Shrill and broken. Out of tune and necessary.

But you're singing it wrong.

A broken record. Scratches that whine. Skips and repeated lyrics.

But you're listening to your playlist.

Harmonious, no more. Dissonance preferred. No resolving chord in sight.

But you're tone deaf anyway.

I forgot that the honeymoon is over. But never did I think you were singing a different song.

 

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This is a freestyle, almost word for word my thought stream this morning after a run in with an ex. I usually rely on a lot of heavy editing, a lot of careful rewording. I almost never write like this. Minimal corrections and only one or two edits.

 

Yesterday’s Over

I appreciate the reminder...
Ignore the tears, I’m being sincere
I remember you better when you’re gone
But when you’re here...
I don’t know.
The inconsistencies are obvious
To anyone who isn’t thoughtless
To anyone whose memory stretches back that many years...
I’m sorry. Yesterday’s over.
Yeah, I know what you heard and it’s true
Yeah, I know, no, nothing to do with you
And when you tell me you miss me
I’m sure that you do
But when you tell me you need me
Tell me that I’m the only...
Doesn’t matter.
You’re so nice when you want something
But what about when you had it
A lover who wanted you, practically an addict
The passion was magic until you trashed it
Because all I was to you was something to use for YOU
Damn right I’m mad at you
I was mad at you then when I left
And I’m mad again just listening
This shlt makes no sense
Always knocking me down so you could be the big man
And now you see me standing on my own
Must be hard for you to handle
Big man, you can’t understand
Why I make you weak and you make my head spin
I’m so stupid
Falling for it again
When in the end it’s the same shlt it was back then
You wanting to make amends
Why? So you can watch me break or bend?
You always were a selfish friend
But then again...
It’s kinda sick, I’ll admit I still want it
A little bit, I always did
So when you come around I’m back on that same old bullshlt
Imagining that this time will be different
Even if I wanted it to be, it isn’t
You’re still the same
You still want somebody smaller who will take the blame
For all your insecurities and all your pain
Guess I shouldn’t be surprised you haven’t changed
When you’re still carrying the same fears.
Ignore the tears, I’m being sincere.
I remember now, yesterday’s over,
Think we ran out the timer long ago…
But I appreciate the reminder.

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All These Boxes

All these boxes, still taped shut like I just moved here.
You might ask why, when it’s been months.
You might ask why, don’t I need what’s in them?
But what if I told you that the confusing part is this:
I started boxing things up two years ago, when we met.
I was boxing up your things as you moved them in.
Every shirt and glove, each sweet note and word of love.
Oh, but why, you might ask. Was I planning for this end?
No...
The truth is, I found too much in you to cherish, to adore,
Too many memories I wanted to keep pristine.
And my hurricane brain leaves nothing intact.
So every morning I rose, ready to love you as much as I could,
And every night, I packed you gently into a fresh box,
Careful not to disturb the day, and taped it shut.
So you could be free to start new tomorrow.
There were a couple boxes I didn’t want to close,
Ones that contained my very favorite views of you:
Your lips, smiling. Your eyes, deep and layered, on me.
Your heartbeat fast. Your heartbeat slow. Your tears falling.
Your wildest words, caught in the curls of my hair.
Monuments I built to remember your best, your worst.
But I can’t touch those boxes now, not even to tape them,
Afraid that my mind will distort the images into something wrong.
Terrified that my sadness will taint what once was so pure.
So I’m not thinking of you right now. I can’t.
I’m sitting here, surrounded by boxes of you.
Boxes that I’m too scared to touch, frozen in time.
Not as if they never happened, no,
But because they will never happen again.

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Nothing has ever hurt like this.

I heard the screams as they tore the night. Every one of me, all of us, a chorus of anguished cries bursting from our mouth to seek shelter from all that we felt. And we pushed them up and away, as if the pain would follow.

It did not. In unison, gasps for air that did not arrive, and one lonely sigh of relief that, now, finally, the fear of this particular death might subside.

It did not. It grew and engulfed us, a smoky black shroud that clung, viciously tight against our body, drawing tighter with each attempt at breath, until we collapsed, an icy heap of limb and tissue.

This death was our own, the rending of a heart so deep that bIood refused to flow out, not even to warm us one last time against the settling frost. Our heart, empty and damaged, shattered entirely.

The screams ceased when we did. No mourning song rose from our lungs, only the sound of our suffering returned,  having found no shelter, and then, all at once...

silence

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It’s not enough
It’s never been enough
To offer love
Without stability
Without permanence
Without the promise of it lasting...
This hurts me
More than anything else
This
Tears me open
Because I offer you this love
The love I feel right now
Bruising my chest from the inside
Bursting out to find you
I offer it up
Knowing that bruises fade
And that love unfolds the wings
That I will use to fly away...
Someday
Don’t you understand?
I’m teaching you
How to accept pure love
Because you’ve never known
Need to be shown
But
It’s not enough
It’s never been enough
To offer love
That burns you up
Then burns out when the wick wears down
And it’s so cold on the other side
That you forget how it felt
To be warm
But you don’t forget how it felt
To be loved so powerfully
You just know that it
Didn’t last
Wasn’t permanent
And you
Learn to hate me
For ever loving you in the first place

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Golem

 

 

Listen

Cut out the noise

Of the everyday crap

Of the pointless

Unfulfilling life

Search for the silence within”

 

I did, I do!

 

But after all the carpe diems

After all the leaps of faith

And staring into the abyss

Wu wei and satori

I haven’t heard a goddamn thing

 

Silence of the Void

 

No inner voice

Singing to me

No psychopomp within

To lead me

Along the unknown path of life

 Even death carries no meaning

All the moving

All the acts 

The efforts to change

To be someone 

I could be comfortable 

To be around with

Nothing

Has ever made any sense to me

Nothing has ever truly spoken to me

Nothing ever truly touches me

I was dead from the beginning 

Damned from the beginning

A husk with no soul

 

Stupid

Dumb

Lifeless

I am the Dead

 

 

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First, the flickering fear
The shaking that shifts the soil
The panic that pries pebbles loose
The trembling that topples trees
The breath that brings down boulders
The echoes that erode earth
The mind that makes the mountain crumble
But beneath the breakdown
Are the hands that wait to hold me

 

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ASCENSION DAY

 

So I was wrong

It did hurt

Wherever did I get the idea it wouldn't?

Now all these people around me

"Oi! You are blocking the view!"

But not a sound uttered from my broken lips

All these people looking at me

Center of attention

But I'm not saying anything

As if I could anymore

The woman, I think she's saying

Was it intentional?

Bus? Heart attack?
Wrong on all accounts

For a moment I was Ikaros

For a moment I was kissing the sun

Then I wasn't

Ah, now I see the sun behind the faces

But I don't feel it anymore

In fact I don't feel anything at all

Except the pain

It's worse than I thought

But it's all ok really

Because this is what I wanted

The leap into the abyss

And I'm feeling cold now

Despite the sun on my face and corrupted body

One moment I was flying

Then It was just gravity doing it's job

Up or down, it makes no difference

In a moment, sweet oblivion

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SLAM

The door slams
Silence
Solace

Its quiet
Now that you've shut that hole

I don't think I'm supposed to he ok with all of this
But this way I don't have to kiss your ass
I just wait and hear
The silence pass

I wait for the chaos
The noise
Like thunder cutting the sky
To once again rain down on me

But no refreshing or cleansing water
Comes in your world
There is no such thing in the
world you are God of

But...you fail to remember
or did you ever realize --
I am not and never was your Eve

 

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MAYA

 

The emptiness screams

The pub, it screams

But  I feel the black liquid

Run down within

I feel the click

The release, even for a moment 

From samsara

After the second pint

My mantra

My liquid nirvana

I feel more, see more

More than the inane Spirit

Around me

God I feel like a pompous cad

But I am fckuing right

I can't stand the maya around me

The lifeless souls

I am one of them

 


 

 

 

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Birthday Party

I throw away time and fill my head with noise
Anything I can do to block out your voice
I never loved anyone the way I loved you
With every ounce of my strength holding on to you
I used to celebrate your every breath
And now instead I mourn your death
Head to toe, dressed in black
That’s how it feels, you never came back
But I didn’t wait, and I never do
Moved on right away, giving love to someone new
I just needed some place warm to keep my hands
So I scatter my heart like grains of sand
No one keeps me, I just love them and leave
Go back to my bed and sleep to grieve
I’m not running the way you would always say
I’m not getting anywhere, just running away
But what if I could be alone for a short time
Would I find you there in the back of my mind
What if I took off my headphones, tuned out the sound
Would you still be there if I turned around
No... your body is gone now, buried with my heart
I’m glad you can’t see me fall apart

 

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