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how to cope with rudeness from a friend


chumly

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I am a female and I have a new male FB friend that seems to be going through difficult times with a break up. He invited me and I think a bunch of people to a poetry reading he was having ...I thanked him for the invite, I invited him to hang out with another beautiful single female friend that  I know and then I invited him to call me anytime he would like to talk about his breakup since he was posting about it all over FB. The only response I received was an invite to join FB messenger..not so much as a thankyou from him for any of my offers to him. 
Am I over-reacting or was that very rude of him to not at least thank me? It was only two days ago but I just found that strange that he could not offer a quick thankyou. I am thinking maybe he does not want to be friend with me like I thought now and I am feeling very rejected. I always get good advise on here so I am hoping by posting on here it will help.

Thanks in advance for any help with this.

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I can only give you an old guy perspective on what you described.

He's just gone through a painful breakup, but it appears he's trying to maintain some social life (i.e., the reading invite).  And, yeah, you also got an invite to messenger.  Under his circumstances, that was nice of him.  If he doesn't want to hang out with a complete stranger and pour his heart out, that's pretty healthy behavior, imo.

If he's still processing the breakup - in his own way, I might add - I doubt he has much interest in "a beautiful single female friend."  So, what are YOUR intentions?  Matchmaker?  Fixing him?  That's perhaps what I'd be reading.  No, he wasn't being rude at all.  Sounds like he's set healthy boundaries.  Respect them.

 

Edited by MarkintheDark
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17 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

I can only give you an old guy perspective on what you described.

He's just gone through a painful breakup, but it appears he's trying to maintain some social life (i.e., the reading invite).  And, yeah, you also got an invite to messenger.  Under his circumstances, that was nice of him.  If he doesn't want to hang out with a complete stranger and pour his heart out, that's pretty healthy behavior, imo.

If he's still processing the breakup - in his own way, I might add - I doubt he has much interest in "a beautiful single female friend."  So, what are YOUR intentions?  Matchmaker?  Fixing him?  That's perhaps what I'd be reading.  No, he wasn't being rude at all.  Sounds like he's set healthy boundaries.  Respect them.

 

hi and thanks!! that is really great advice! I did not think of it that way! that really helped and gave me lots to think about here too.:) thanks again:)

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Chumly, I’m sorry you’re puzzled by his reaction - just to offer some more perspective, here...

He may just want to communicate on Messenger instead of more publicly (FB wall, etc).  It could be a privacy issue.   I can definitely identify with that, if so.   He may be concerned about the optics of public exchanges even though he’s shared some personal issues.   That would be a sensible and healthy approach, IMO.  

FB can be a tricky place, to say the least - or so I’ve learned.  I feel it’s wise to tread lightly here - for his sake and for your own.   He surely has some healing to do - that only he can do.  

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14 hours ago, Twister said:

Chumly, I’m sorry you’re puzzled by his reaction - just to offer some more perspective, here...

He may just want to communicate on Messenger instead of more publicly (FB wall, etc).  It could be a privacy issue.   I can definitely identify with that, if so.   He may be concerned about the optics of public exchanges even though he’s shared some personal issues.   That would be a sensible and healthy approach, IMO.  

FB can be a tricky place, to say the least - or so I’ve learned.  I feel it’s wise to tread lightly here - for his sake and for your own.   He surely has some healing to do - that only he can do.  

thanks so much for your perspective too. I found Markinthedarks posts very helpful and yours too! I am trying not to view his lack of response to me as rejection. Like you both pointed out he is obviously going through alot right now. I guess for someone to post about it all over FB like he has and mention that he cried for 3 days must mean he was destroyed by the breakup. ..so I guess he is not in his right mental capacities right now. ..and like Markinthedark said, the invite to messenger was probably the best he can do for me for now. 

 

Thanks so much for all the perspective on this. I guess I should be grateful that it has been so long, if not ever, that I was in that much pain myself thank God! I hope  I never have to experience anything like that myself. 

 

Thanks again:) 

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By the way, just wanted to correct something....

 

when I was suggesting to  my friend about meeting with myself and my female friend..this was not a new suggestion at all. It was something that him and I discussed a few times. In fact, I never even met this man myself...we just chatted a few times and had a nice phone conversation and then he made me his FB friend. We originally started talking from a dating site and he was interested in me romantically at first but when he met the woman that became his girlfriend he wanted to remain friends with me. ..we still planned to meet but  the plan was that him and I were going to meet for the first time with this other female friend of mine (that I never met before either but chatted with online) ..it was a fun plan that we all had discussed doing a few times. .with the hopes of us all becoming real life friends. He already had a girlfriend  at that point so it was just with the hopes of friendship for the 3 of us  but I also know he found her attractive based on the pics he seen of her...and what he heard of her. ..so I thought the idea of continuing with our plan for us all to meet would cheer him up...but apparently it did not seem to have the positive effect on him that I had hoped. ..but I thought it was worth a try at least on my part. 

 

 

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hi there...thanks so much once again for all the great advice here regarding this situation with my FB friend...other then that invite to FB messenger, He still has not responded to my messages I sent to him about getting together with him and my offer to listen to him. ..but however, everytime I feel sad or rejected by his lack of response I remember the great advise given to me on here by MarkintheDark and Twister...and like MarkintheDark said, maybe the FB messenger invite was the best he could do for me considering the pain he is going through..so like I said, this all has helped so much. Thanks so much!:)

 

..so my next question is, when would it be okay for me to try and message him again about getting together? or should I not even bother since he never really technically responded to my last message?  Like I said, him and I never met but I still feel like I would very much like to meet him and have him meet a female friend of mine as well. It was a plan that him and I discussed before his break up and he seemed very interested in meeting with us. I would still very much like to do this with him but I am not sure what to do now? Should I not bother since he never responded anyway? or should i mention it again? and if so, when? should I wait a certain length of time first? and also, if I do offer it again, how do I prepare myself for another possible "non response" from him? I am not really eager to get another "non response" from him again ...maybe I should be picking up the hint he has already given me from his first "non response" ...that he is not really interested in getting together with me or my friend at this time? 

 

Or of course i could always just go to one of the events he has been inviting me (and probably everyone else on his FB too) and I can bring my friend but I dont know if it would be considered stalking if I did that? I mean, i would attend because i am interested in just about every event he posts ..he has interesting tastes and seems to be involved with things that interest me anyway...but I would also be going to meet him too so there would be a strong motivation behind my attending other then the event itself...so even though he still sends me these invites,  I am not sure if that would be a good idea for me to attend at this point? 

 

so, I am not sure how to approach this now?? any further thoughts would be so appreciated.:)

Edited by chumly
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I would like to point out that I have never met this man in real life. Him and i met through a dating site. He started talking to me on the dating site with the thought of a romantic interest in me at first but then he met the woman that would eventually become his girlfriend (and then eventually break up with him) but he wanted to remain friends with me despite his having met this woman....so like I said, I never met him so far....but like I said, I feel like I would very much still like to ..and I still want to do the plan that him and I discussed prior to his break up.

 

Thanks again for any thoughts on this. 🙂

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On ‎10‎/‎2‎/‎2018 at 3:11 AM, chumly said:

I am a female and I have a new male FB friend that seems to be going through difficult times with a break up. He invited me and I think a bunch of people to a poetry reading he was having ...I thanked him for the invite, I invited him to hang out with another beautiful single female friend that  I know and then I invited him to call me anytime he would like to talk about his breakup since he was posting about it all over FB. The only response I received was an invite to join FB messenger..not so much as a thankyou from him for any of my offers to him. 
Am I over-reacting or was that very rude of him to not at least thank me? It was only two days ago but I just found that strange that he could not offer a quick thankyou. I am thinking maybe he does not want to be friend with me like I thought now and I am feeling very rejected. I always get good advise on here so I am hoping by posting on here it will help.

Thanks in advance for any help with this.

Well, he probably just saying he needs time before hanging out with another female.  Giving

you a invite was kind of clever because he might not be ready now but that does not mean

he want be available in the near future.  By having you as a friend on messenger at least

he have you within striking distance when he get over his last love.  Smile my friend because

he has you on his radar.  😎

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3 minutes ago, Floor2017 said:

Well, he probably just saying he needs time before hanging out with another female.  Giving

you a invite was kind of clever because he might not be ready now but that does not mean

he want be available in the near future.  By having you as a friend on messenger at least

he have you within striking distance when he get over his last love.  Smile my friend because

he has you on his radar.  😎

well, thankyou so much for this!! I really appreciate it! okay...maybe i will just give it a bit more time now anyway. Maybe i need to wait until I am strong enough to deal with another possible "non reaction'' without taking it too personally like I did this time.:)

 

or maybe sometime in the future I can just casually invite him to meet with me and my friend..so i can just make the plan with my friend , maybe invite another friend too and just give him a casual invite with no expectations of a response at that time. ..maybe just a casual approach is the best way to do things with him for now and when I am ready too.:)

Thanks so much again, Floor2017!! I cant say enough how I appreciate all the help from you and everyone on this forum!:)

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7 minutes ago, chumly said:

well, thankyou so much for this!! I really appreciate it! okay...maybe i will just give it a bit more time now anyway. Maybe i need to wait until I am strong enough to deal with another possible "non reaction'' without taking it too personally like I did this time.:)

 

or maybe sometime in the future I can just casually invite him to meet with me and my friend..so i can just make the plan with my friend , maybe invite another friend too and just give him a casual invite with no expectations of a response at that time. ..maybe just a casual approach is the best way to do things with him for now and when I am ready too.:)

Thanks so much again, Floor2017!! I cant say enough how I appreciate all the help from you and everyone on this forum!:)

:hugs:for a friend anytime

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