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Advice for Friend

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Hello, everyone.

I have a friend in her early 30’s that confided to me a deeply, personal story about relationships and its impact on her life.

In the last 2 years, she’s had a crush on 2 of her work colleagues for a year each. As usual, her love was unrequited.

She was able to accept the first one not sharing this sentiment by telling herself that he wasn’t the one in many ways. Something she discovered about her reason for being drawn to him, is her own lack of self-esteem and passion in life, which he possesses. She concluded that she would not have been happy with him in the long run.

Her second crush was with one of her closest co-workers. She hangs out in a small group of co-workers which includes him and a senior colleague in his 40’s. She calls him peculiar and lacking socially. Something he shared about himself to the group for his reason to remain single and living alone is because he can’t stand having another person in his house, which he picked up on as a teenager. With the help of this senior colleague, he helped her schedule meetups with the guy because he is also aware of her infatuation with him. In the end, she was rejected and it damaged her as she put it, “deeply emotionally.” Unlike the first one, she really thought it would be a good match.

The two consecutive turndowns devastated her because she thinks she always pursues being acknowledged and loved, and she feels sick about it.

One day as she was having dinner with the senior colleague in his 40’s, even she isn’t sure how she worked up the courage, she went ahead and asked him if he is willing to be friends with benefits. He went ahead with it and cautioned her not to have any romantic feelings. She agreed and they met a couple of times. She knows that she does not have any feelings towards him, but at the same time, she has a sad feeling like she is nothing to everybody including herself.

Using self-talk, she asked if she wanted affection from him and if she had, would she be happy? Her answer is a clear, no.

Her own diagnosis of herself is lacking self-esteem and yearning for affection from somebody. She says she failed in this regard, so she subconsciously made the wrong decision by deluding herself she’ll feel loved by sleeping with someone to make up for it. It was in vain and only made her feel more depressed.

She asked me, if I love myself? Which I do.

She also asks if I’m easily swung by others? In my opinion, it depends on the people and circumstance.

She continues, do I not seek affection from others? We are social creatures, so to some degree, we do reach out to people.

She questions if I consider myself a mentally healthy person who would live alone or with people, believing in yourself? We all have our own quirks, I mean, what is normal?

Lastly, she asks are we naturally born this way, or ceaselessly (not sure if correct word, maybe, carelessly?) try to be so?

She closes by cursing her own upbringing and natural disposition, which she inherited from her mother. We all have our own rough patches in growing up. It’s how we deal with the cards we are dealt with, along with perspective.

The last thing she asked me, is if I’m judging her inappropriate behavior? I’m open-minded and consider what she did the best that she can do at the time.

She feels lost and abandoned by God, whether it’s a he or she, or they exist at all?

I did leave some of my own little commentary in this post, but overall, I’m not sure how to go about this to help her feel better. I worry about being tone-deaf here.

Requesting help. Any and all feedback is very much appreciated here. Thanks in advance.

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Well, my friend nobody is really responsible for someone else's well being

just try to be there for her but ultimately it's up to your friend to learn to

respect herself and to love herself.  Your friend seem to need someone

in her life so that she might feel loved but ultimate love begin with self

and learning to believe in something that is greater than yourself. That

loves you unconditional regardless of how you chose to live your life.

Hang in there my friend and just try to inspire your friend to begin to try

to love herself and in turn it would make her more attracted to other people. 

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There are so many choices in life and we are a product of those choices more than the feelings.  Feelings come and go, but choices have consequences or blessings.  She chooses and lives w those choices, they make her who she is.  If she isn't happy, she can change, she can move on or up, sometimes it first happens in actions and feelings follow.  If she is miserable w her life, she needs to make changes.   A lot of anxiety/depression is caused by chemical/physical imbalance and that can be inherited tendency but we can change that by caring for ourselves.  Taking magnesium and ginseng help a lot to balance and calm the mind body and spirit and get rid of sticky negative thoughts that loop around and breed insecurities.  Talk to her about taking those and making her changes she wants to become the person she wants.  Also, it would be good for her to get involved in classes/groups of her passions.  To volunteer w those she feels connected to, it will fulfill her and build her own self esteem and produce healing.  Hope this helps.  =)   You are a good friend to help her!

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