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I hate myself for ruining my own life.


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I don't seem to have any motivation in my life to do simplest of things. I feel that in past 4-5 years I have ruined my life myself. I am unable to live with the messed up thoughts inside my head that haunts me and blame me for everything and anything. I am unable to cope up with this. It has started to show in my day to day life. I feel lithargic, drained out and no motivation at all.

You can easily blame everything on external circumstances, but in my case I feel I am my own enemy and I hate myself for it. I dont have any enthusiasm in/for life. It's becoming unbearable living like this. Past, mistakes, regrets, things I should have done, things I shouldn't have done, unable to plan about the future, not living in the present, all these thoughts are dragging me back, ******* me from inside. I have become dead from inside.

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Welcome to the forum.  Sorry you're having a hard time.  I know exactly what you are going through.  I have experienced the same thing many times.  Fortunately, I have been able to see that I am human - we all are.  I am not perfect - there are no perfect human beings.  Only God is perfect.  I have made many mistakes and I will continue to make mistakes until the day I take my last breath.  There are a lot of things that I have done that I can never go back and change.  But I found that dwelling on them and being so hard on myself was ******* my soul. 

I have learned to allow myself to be imperfect.  Imperfect doesn't mean bad.  It means I am human. I realized that as long as I have breath in me I can turn the page, start a new chapter and move on.

And failure isn't bad either.  When Edison was inventing the light bulb he made 1000 unsuccessful attempts.  When someone asked him how it felt to fail 1000 times he said, "I didn't fail 1000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1000 steps."

What an amazing outlook to have on life.  I am trying to evaluate every "Failure" in my life and look at it as a learning and growing opportunity. It's all in how I perceive the failure.  Have you read Victor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning?  I think you would enjoy it.  

Also, I heard last week that the only way you can move forward is by looking through the windshield - not the rearview mirror.  When you constantly look behind you, you can't see the possibilities in front of you.  Also, the rearview mirror is a lot smaller than the windshield for a reason.  We are only to glance at it, to learn something, then look through the windshield and keep moving forward.

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41 minutes ago, justthinking said:

Welcome to the forum.  Sorry you're having a hard time.  I know exactly what you are going through.  I have experienced the same thing many times.  Fortunately, I have been able to see that I am human - we all are.  I am not perfect - there are no perfect human beings.  Only God is perfect.  I have made many mistakes and I will continue to make mistakes until the day I take my last breath.  There are a lot of things that I have done that I can never go back and change.  But I found that dwelling on them and being so hard on myself was ******* my soul. 

I have learned to allow myself to be imperfect.  Imperfect doesn't mean bad.  It means I am human. I realized that as long as I have breath in me I can turn the page, start a new chapter and move on.

And failure isn't bad either.  When Edison was inventing the light bulb he made 1000 unsuccessful attempts.  When someone asked him how it felt to fail 1000 times he said, "I didn't fail 1000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1000 steps."

What an amazing outlook to have on life.  I am trying to evaluate every "Failure" in my life and look at it as a learning and growing opportunity. It's all in how I perceive the failure.  Have you read Victor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning?  I think you would enjoy it.  

Also, I heard last week that the only way you can move forward is by looking through the windshield - not the rearview mirror.  When you constantly look behind you, you can't see the possibilities in front of you.  Also, the rearview mirror is a lot smaller than the windshield for a reason.  We are only to glance at it, to learn something, then look through the windshield and keep moving forward.

thats a great book...i agree, but sometimes it just gets too much ..i feel the same way as the original poster...that i've ruined my life and there's no way of fixing it

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Hi and welcome to the Forums, Siddarth Bhatnagar.

     I read your post and just want to tell you how sorry I am that you are suffering.  The things you are experiencing are not completely foreign to me, so I can really identify with you.  

     One thing I would like to share with you is something I learned here on the Forums.  When I first joined here, I thought that it was people who gave advice who saved lives and I'm sure that is true.  But what has surprised me year after year is how many people tell me that posts like the one you wrote have saved their lives.  

     So many people here are living on the edge and posts like yours break the isolation that comes with personal anguish and grief.  I know that I myself have had my life saved by posts like the one you wrote.  So whatever else your life is like, you are a hero to me and so many others here on the Forums.  Your post will be read by many people from many countries and it will save lives.  No one who saves lives can be a failure.  Saving a life is one of the greatest if not the greatest thing a human being can achieve in life.  Such a thing can justify an entire human life.

     There is a very old saying that goes like this:  "Whoever helps to save a life, it is as if that person had saved the entire world."  I think you are such a person and I am not alone in that opinion.  So we are all profoundly grateful to you.  I only hope we can be as helpful to you as you have been to us.  It is heartbreaking that so many things are weighing so heavily upon you.  Just heartbreaking!  But to me, you are a person of nobility, greatness and moral stature for what you have done for me and others here.  I sure hope things get better for you.  Thank-you again for what you wrote here! ! !

- epictetus

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12 hours ago, Siddharth Bhatnagar said:

I don't seem to have any motivation in my life to do simplest of things. I feel that in past 4-5 years I have ruined my life myself. I am unable to live with the messed up thoughts inside my head that haunts me and blame me for everything and anything. I am unable to cope up with this. It has started to show in my day to day life. I feel lithargic, drained out and no motivation at all.

You can easily blame everything on external circumstances, but in my case I feel I am my own enemy and I hate myself for it. I dont have any enthusiasm in/for life. It's becoming unbearable living like this. Past, mistakes, regrets, things I should have done, things I shouldn't have done, unable to plan about the future, not living in the present, all these thoughts are dragging me back, ******* me from inside. I have become dead from inside.

Well, my friend it can be very difficult holding onto the past. I don't know

what happen but I can say it is just what you said it is your past.  You can

not continue to hold yourself down from your earlier mistakes in life.  The

good thing about life is that we can start at anytime in our lives and begin to pick the

pieces up. Hang in there my friend

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Welcome Siddharth Bhatnagar! Glad that you found us. It sounds to me like you have a form of metal illness that you didn't cause and can't cure like most of us here do. We are supporting each other in coping with it and learning to live in peace with it. That is easier said then done yet it is like other diseases in that way. It can be harder though because there are no physical like symptoms so It seems like we should snap out of it. However, I've learned that this is a serious illness that I am not meant to control. I need to get help and support for it. I have a good therapist, psychiatrist, and meds to help plus this forum. Those might help you, too, more than you realize.

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I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way, Siddharth. Please don’t be hard on yourself. We all learn from our mistakes, and I’m sure it wasn’t your intention to make anything worse. Are you seeing a therapist/counselor? A caring professional might be able to help you with your struggles. I just said a prayer for you, and I hope that God will surround you with His comfort, peace, and provide the help you need at this time. You can always come here to share and you don’t need to carry your burdens alone. Sending prayers and wishing you well.

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Thank you all for your concern and loving words. 

I have started Meditation practice after which I feel good for sometime, but again I fall back into the same pattern.

I just can't get over my past, I feel it's all my mistake and that I will suffer whole of my life because of my past. Everything was beautiful and easy and I feel I have ruined it and dont deserve anything good. I feel like crying but the tears dont come out. Its scary to be feeling this way.

Why all the "I shouldn't have done that" phrases are coming in my mind? I hate myself, and I feel terrible. I want to feel normal like everyone else.

These thoughts are eating away my life. I don't know how to feel normal. This is continuing from last 2 months, if this further continues I will forget the "normal feeling".

 

Its not that I am not trying, I have joined Art of living program in which they teach meditation. Physical disability can be seen and understood. I am becoming mentally disabled. I don't want to be like this. It is going beyond my control. I just want to escape from these thoughts.

How to be alright, How to be normal? It is becoming very difficult for me to cope up with the internal thoughts condemning me. 

When a person is effected by external circumstances, he blames that and moves on by recovering. But what to to when you are not able to live with yourself. I am emotionally weak, I am incapable of anything. All these thoughts are acting like a slow poison for me.

Please let me know how to feel good about your own self. Please help. I know we can only help ourselves. But I don't seem to be succeeding in it. I am avraid I will become mad one day.

Edited by Siddharth Bhatnagar
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I understand how this feels.. i have so many past mistakes that i am still trying to fix and make right.. but all i can say is the past is the past and no matter how much we wish we could change it we just cant.. so we have to find a way to make peace with what weve done or shouldnt have done and just keep moving forward trying to learn from our mistakes.. I wish you the best 

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As sick as this may seem, it's comforting to know that at least I'm not the only one that feels this way. I feel like I ruined my life through all my mistakes and I just keep on ruining it over and over again. I feel incapable and stunted, like I can't move and I cant breathe, there's nothing I can do to keep myself from sinking, so I just keep going lower and lower. I'm tired all the time, I'm tired of being this tired. I should be working right now. I know what I need to do, I know how to do it, I know have to do it with my deadlines coming up, but instead I'm on here. Frozen in my own thoughts and unable to think. I've spent the last 3 hours staring at the screen or at the various papers around me, and all I feel is a numb sadness and a heavy pressure on my chest. I just want to get all these awful thoughts out of my mind. As I sit here wasting my time, at least it's comforting to know I'm not the only one in this world, hating myself for being the way I am. I want to feel happy, that it mean's I'm not crazy, I'm not the only one. But overall, I still just feel numb, and still unable to work, to pull myself out. 

 

I have to rescue myself, get pulled out of this spiral of negative thoughts, change my perspective, bolster myself out of this funk. But I'm so flat, I don't have the will.

 

I've sought out therapy and medication, and it has helped. On my good days, I feel almost human, but today is a dip, it's a low day, and it hurts more than I can put to words.

 

I really hope you seek out/are getting professional help and advise. You may have bad days. but it really does work. It helps, you just need to keep wanting to try.

 

I may be bad today, I may be bad for the next week, but I really am trying. I want to be better. I want to be myself again, so I will keep on seeking help and getting treatment until the good days become the norm. I hope you do too. 

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Truce.

I have to declare a truce with myself about my past.

A teeny, tiny, temporary truce is a most doable start for anyone struggling with the past.

A truce can be extended incrementally by seconds, minutes, hours etc.

If a truce helps then go for a peace treaty with yourself.

Cleverness is a trick every last one of us is capable of a performing.

Our task here is to encourage each of to take charge of  psyches and be the best can manage. 

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On 9/25/2018 at 11:23 AM, ladysmurf said:

thats a great book...i agree, but sometimes it just gets too much ..i feel the same way as the original poster...that i've ruined my life and there's no way of fixing it

Sorry you feel this way.  I try to tell myself that as long as there is breath in me, I still have at least one more chance.  I am currently reading the book By Chance Alone by Max Eisen.  He was a survivor of a concentration camp.  As I read his story I feel so many emotions.  Such sadness that people were treated that way. Anger that people can be so cruel.  Also amazement at the fortitude of some people.  How they can survive against all odds.  I don't know all the answers but I know my life isn't as horrible as his was and like I said earlier, each new day gives me an opportunity to take a new path, make a different decision.  i won't quit. When Max was in the concentration camp he had no choices, no options. There are a million opportunities and options at my disposal every day. 

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On 9/27/2018 at 5:51 PM, Siddharth Bhatnagar said:

Thank you all for your concern and loving words. 

I have started Meditation practice after which I feel good for sometime, but again I fall back into the same pattern.

I just can't get over my past, I feel it's all my mistake and that I will suffer whole of my life because of my past. Everything was beautiful and easy and I feel I have ruined it and dont deserve anything good. I feel like crying but the tears dont come out. Its scary to be feeling this way.

Why all the "I shouldn't have done that" phrases are coming in my mind? I hate myself, and I feel terrible. I want to feel normal like everyone else.

These thoughts are eating away my life. I don't know how to feel normal. This is continuing from last 2 months, if this further continues I will forget the "normal feeling".

 

Its not that I am not trying, I have joined Art of living program in which they teach meditation. Physical disability can be seen and understood. I am becoming mentally disabled. I don't want to be like this. It is going beyond my control. I just want to escape from these thoughts.

How to be alright, How to be normal? It is becoming very difficult for me to cope up with the internal thoughts condemning me. 

When a person is effected by external circumstances, he blames that and moves on by recovering. But what to to when you are not able to live with yourself. I am emotionally weak, I am incapable of anything. All these thoughts are acting like a slow poison for me.

Please let me know how to feel good about your own self. Please help. I know we can only help ourselves. But I don't seem to be succeeding in it. I am avraid I will become mad one day.

 hello my friend. I do not wish to ask questions that you are not comfortable answering. So I will say things a different way. If you are outside your home country, I encourage you to find friends and help from people who share your backgrounds for now. The reason I say this is because when we are isolated or feeling far from home and such things everything becomes magnified. Reconnecting with our Roots is very important. It helps us to know who we are and why we are struggling. If you are still in your country, then I encourage you 2 examine not only your long-term treatment plan but your meditation practice as well. The reason I say this is because it is not uncommon for people to have your symptoms if they have been meditating too much and Kundalini has been activated accidentally. In India, they have found treatment plans for what is called Kundalini syndrome which is what you seem to be describing. It is very important that you seek professional help from someone who will understand and honor your culture. Not everybody in the West can do that unfortunately. I am not Indian but I mentioned Kundalini syndrome in a conversation here in the West and people looked at me like I have 6 heads. LOL. They did not know what it was and when I explained it to them they thought I was making it up. I am not a professional and of course it is not my place to diagnose you with anything. I am simply suggesting that your first and second post describes symptoms that are similar to this. Also I believe that in my own case, interrupting the pattern, the cycle, has been very important for my healing. I am probably much older than you so when I started looking back in my life it was a very long way! And what I saw Were Cycles of behaviors that were often caused from trauma of some kind. My current situation is also the results of some trauma. I was able to identify the trauma, give it a name, and then determine some other course of action, something different then what I had ever done before. Whenever I had those similar thoughts like I should have done this or I should not have done that, the kinds of thoughts that are so destructive to the soul and the mind, I tried to remember what I had done before in earlier times and then do something different. So instead of staying home and crying my eyes out, I forced myself to go out and meet people. New people that I had not known before. This helped me a great deal to learn that I was not alone, that I was not isolated, that I was not a prisoner of my own situation.. these people did not know of course of my symptoms and my struggles, but they're kindness toward me help to heal me and helped me to be kinder to myself. I am not perfect no one is. All of us Struggle just with different things. Sometimes you meet somebody who has the same struggles as you! This is a rare gift from God. Then we can open up to them and share our thoughts and they can help us from a very real and personal perspective. So, while I think mindfulness and meditation are good things, in rare cases they can be very harmful. Please share this with your doctor. I am glad you said the medication is helping. That's what it is supposed to do! The other thing that has helped me a lot is to help other people in some way. Sometimes very simple like helping a neighbor carry her bags to her door or giving food to a hungry person. Lives must be meaningful in order to be lived well.

Kindest wishes to you,

StoicLady

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