Jump to content

This isn’t helping


samadhiSheol

Recommended Posts

I should just leave df. 

This hasn’t helped, my ranting and raving online. I am  just going around in circles. Some of you say I have made a difference here but I don’t see it. Don’t feel it. Despair and  emptiness are all I feel.

Actually Emptiness is the wrong word.

Nothingness. Void. Vacuum. Nihil.

It wouldn’t be true to say that an online peer support system has caused me to feel worse..but the truth is it hasn’t helped at all. All I end up doing is fueling my fire. I make myself feel worse every time I come back. The more I see people feeling the same way I do, the more despair and hopelessness I feel. 

I am going to have to go or I will k I’ll myself. I’ ll probably end my life anyhow. 

I see everything so much more clearly now. I realize how futile hope is. I have learned that I have felt wanting and dissatisfied all my pathetic adult life. From what I remember of my childhood, I was pretty shallow and wasn’t really interested in anything even then.

I don’t care about anything enough to make an effort. I never have done. Whenever I have tried to better myself, be it a course, applying to university or another job, I end up in the same f kcing mess. Empty, dissatisfied and disillusioned. Stuck in this pointlessness. None of my so called “successes” have made any difference. I have failed more times than succeeded in anything. Most of all I have failed myself at being a person I would want to be.

I have been apathetic and phlegmatic all my life. I have never really had a passion for anything. I have no skills or talents and I find educating myself impossible. I was never much good at school and due to my lack of interest in anything and possibly borderline adhd (I was inattentive and had some trouble focusing, but not enough to cause any concern) ?  just don’t like anything in this world and I see nothing changing that.

I don’t know if this is good bye or not. I’ve said I’d leave before. I really, really should.

I want to leave this life. I want to non-exist. Because living like this is not living at all. On the other hand, I haven’t a clue what living a meaningful “full” life could possibly mean. Believe me I have tried to figure it out. I just couldn’t be bothered with putting in the effort anymore. No point. 

I’m a lost cause. A loser and a coward. A miserable old git.  I despise myself. 

Nope. This isn’t life. I am already dead.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You have saved my life and more than once.  I could never ever see you as anything but a great person.  I have the highest regard for people who save lives and see them as the greatest people in the universe.  I think a lot of those people live or have lived in the Abyss.  I think of Mother Teresa of Calcutta who was wracked with pain and anguish and despair and yet saved lives.  I think of Oskar Schindler who was also afflicted with such terrible torment and yet saved lives.  Your loss, samadhiSheol would be a loss to the whole universe, the loss of one of the greatest human being who ever lived.  I am profoundly sad that I cannot help you to have some peace of mind and joy of living.  I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.  This kind of seeing comes from the heart and not the eyes.

I've been on these Forums for more than six years now.  Many people have told me that posts like yours have helped them and actually saved their lives.  I didn't believe them at first because I thought it was the "advice givers" who saved lives.  And I'm sure they do too.  But being in the Abyss with someone else in the Abyss is life saving.  It is paradoxical but true.  I have experienced it myself:  being in the darkest darkness and someone coming in and sitting next to me and both of us in agony together.

I don't know what else to say now, samadhiSheol.  You are dear to me and so many people here ! ! !  - epictetus 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, you have been around here for quite a while posting. That has got to mean something good. Sorry that you are having such a hard time and have not found some contentment in the chaos of life. Please be ready to meet your Maker as we all must do eventually. If you believe there isn't a Maker, then you have nothing to lose but what if you are wrong...…..

Edited by BeyondWeary
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know we have lost some of our forum members and it pains us all terribly.

Old Man Depression is hard at work on your psyche.

Don't let him win.

The empty, dark, nothingness is METAPHORICAL !!!!!

It feels real but it isn't and can and must be put to use with cleverness.

We are for each other to find the way out of our depression caves.

You are not alone and we really need and cherish your insights.

No matter how difficult it gets keep posting.

Oscar

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Emptiness or pointlessness if you like, is real enough. It is to me anyhow. 

We feel what we feel for a reason. Depression is an umbrella term that describes a lot of different states of mind that aren’t necessarily mutually inclusive or even related. But the so called treatment is pretty much the same for any given “depression”. I hate the word. I hate the pigeon holing and the established connotations the expression “depression” upholds. 

As far as I am concerned it is all so much BS. 

I’ve said this before. As long as we treat just the individual as defective and not address the shortcomings of any given environment or society, most of us will never get better. I am fed up with trying. I am fed up being the constant failure I am. 

Again all I am doing is going around in circles, repeating myself. That is all I have ever done ever since I joined df. Pretty much what I have done all my insignificant life.

I hate that about myself. I hate the fact I am still in the same ****ing hole I have been in since I first began to think for myself. 

There is no way out other than death. I don’t believe in an afterlife or a god. All death means is you don’t exist any more. No thoughts, nothing. 

Sounds good enough for me.

Edited by samadhiSheol
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Comisserating here is only helpful in that it shows us that we're not alone and others understand how we feel. That can be a big deal for those who think theyre the only ones that feel that way.

You can also get pep talks and support which is helpful when friends and family either dont exist, or are clueless to such emotional type things.

However if you think that alone is going to magically fix everything, it isnt. Dealing with depression takes a lot of work on your part. You have to learn how to live with it, basically like someone born with a birth defect. Thats why therapy exists, to learn the cause of our problems, and get guidance in dealing with it. But that isnt a magixal fix either YOU have to do the work. Not the therapist.

If like me, you were told growing up that you could do/have anything if you worked hard enough. You were lied to. Thats not correct and you have to get over it. Life isn't fair, get over that too. You have a high emotional intelligence, and you notice things about yourself, others, and the state of society that is amplified and distressing. Another cross to bear that isnt going away. The only thing you can do is learn to not focus on these things and focus instead on things you CAN change. Get out and mingle with people, we're heard animals and need each other. Stay away from toxic people, theres plenty of them and you cant change that either. Find things youre interested in and pursue them to keep your brain busy with something constructive instead of destructive.

You have to keep scratching and clawing yourself up and out of the hole that follows you around or youll slip back in. It sucks, and it isnt fair, but you cant change it. I wish i was dumb and happy myself, but i too have that emotional awareness that illuminates the ugly parts of people, myself and the world, that others dont seem to notice.

I grew up in a dysfunctional household and when i talk to someone my brain is in hyperdrive reading facial expressions, thinking about their word choices, alterior motives, and 5 scenarios of what it could mean for me...so I barely get the gist of what theyre saying. Thats a layer of conciousness most people dont deal with, but its the type of people youre likely to find here. Welcome to the club.

It seems like cheating, and denial, but you just have to distract yourself with better parts of life and not focus on the bad. Right now youre in the hole and youre only focusing on the bad, and... "it isnt helping".

Get out and do stuff, exercise, move. Stagnation and ruminating also isnt helping.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have a so called life. I do stuff. New stuff too. It all amouts to so much pointlessness though.

I have tried to focus on what is percieved as good. I go nowhere with it. You are right, saying that stagnation and ruminating doesn't help. But neither does anything else.

I keep fit, well as fit as I can with my ****ed up tendons. I work. I have a wife and a godam cat. No one looming at my life would see anything out of place. 

None of it feels right for me. Nothing does. I fed up trying. I don't want to live just surviving this bulls hit life.  The stuff I can change means absolutely nothing. I stay stuck and life is as pointless and BS as ever. If that is all there is I don't want it. I have had enough of it. 

Call me a coward if you want. But I'm ****ing tired of just surviving. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry i couldnt tell you about a simple solution. The only thing that works for me is keeping busy, and keep pushing the bad thoughts out, and focusing on the good ones.

Maybe you can find a dr. To give you some meds to give you a boost. Then youll be able to see out of the hole.

Stop thinking you have to change the world to be worthwhile. Surviving isnt so bad. Im sure your family needs you too.

Hang in there.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...