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First time trying to say how I really feel..


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Hi everyone,

Finally found the guts to type about what is going one with me.. I've been struggling with slight depression since I was very young but for the last 2 years it got progressively worse.

I was always an active person and very successful in sports but after some injuries I had to stop for recovery which started my down fall. I was seeing a therapist that was giving me a cocktail of pills and changing every 2 months or so to try and find the perfect formula but what was really happening was that I was getting so so over weight that I was going further down into my depression. Everytime I went to see him I told him about the problem and changed the pills but where always worse than the  previouse ones. I even ended up thinking of ways to end it all. I even was increasing dosage to try and escape from myself.

 

I've changed therapist now and this one is trying to reduce the amount of medicine I take even though from time to time I still don't follow the the dose he tells me and end up mostly increasing it to try and numb the pain I have inside.

 

It's very hard trying to get better when I feel that no one cares about what I'm going through and having to deal with anxiety & in-laws aswell it makes it worse. I've never felt such powerful feelings of not wanting to be me.

 

Hope I didn't infringe any of the rules of the forum with what I said, if so sorry admins and delete my post. Still thanks for this forum maybe this will help me get better.

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Hi and welcome to the Forums, Donotopen,

    I am so sorry you have been afflicted with depression and have struggled with it for a long time.  I'm also sorry that people around you lack understanding and empathy for you.  That is terrible!  Hopefully you will find these Forums to be of some use to you.  They have helped me a lot in my own struggles.

    You may not realize it, but what you posted today helps me and others feel less isolated and alone with our own person anguish and pain.  I've been here for around six years and many people have told me that posts like the one you wrote have not only helped them but have saved their lives.  I was surprised by this at first since I assumed that only those who gave advice saved lives.  But I have experienced myself how posts like yours have kept me going and saved my life.  So I and we here are profoundly grateful to you for your post.

     Saving a life is one of the greatest if not the greatest thing a human being can achieve in life.  There is an old saying that goes:  "Whoever helps save a life, it is as if that person had saved the entire world."  You are such a person, Donotopen!  So I can only look up to you in profound respect, gratitude and appreciation.  I only hope we can be as helpful to you as you have been to us!   Depression can be so brutal and it seems like only those afflicted with it can really understand the brutality of it.  It is a great honor and privilege for me to meet you and I look forward to reading any future posts you write.  I sure hope that somehow and some way that you will find the joy of life that has been taken from you by depression!!!   - epictetus

 

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I’m sorry to hear that you had to quit playing sports and you are dealing with 

depression.  I know how losing something 

that you enjoy playing and also dealing with depression can be overwhelming 

to overcome.  You come to the right place to vent and possibly to find other ways to deal with depression.

Hang in there my friend and a better day is 

coming for you, just don’t quit on yourself 

and life because a better day will eventually come for 

you.

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Hi DNO,

There are a lot of understanding people here. Welcome.

So if the meds you are taking are antidepressants, you prob shouldn't be messing with changing amounts trying to feel differently quickly. They dont work that way and it could be dangerous. Stick with the dosages the Dr prescribed and be aware that antidepressants build frustratingly slowly in your system and can take over a month to balance out...and for you to be able to tell if they're making a difference or not. If youre changing recipies every month, youre not learning anything about what works and what doesnt. Also be aware many of us have had to try many different meds, and sometimes combinations if them, to find something that works. Did I say frustrating?...

If on the other hand, youre talking about pain meds, that's another discussion entirely. Im sure you've heard of the devistation opiates have wreaked on our population over the past few years. If that's what you are dealing with, i urge you to get help with that.

Of course on the discussing part, there are plenty of people here that understand and can give you some assistance. So, when youre ready, continue telling your story...im sure others will chime in.

Best wishes,

Steve.

Edited by Steveab63
Fat finger typos
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Hi everyone,

Thanks for the replies really appreciate it.

Regarding the meds I'm on anti depressants if you can call them that since I've only got worse. I cannot lie I find it a monumental struggle to wake up in the morning knowing that I have to keep quite about how I feel so I don't "offend" anyone.

I can say my choices in life weren't all that great. I always tried to keep away from friends as I never felt I fit in and at 30 I literally have no friends and no one to talk to except my partner and parents which is frustrating as thay don't quite get me as I always joke around and thay don't know that that is my way of like showing I'm feeling horrible.

The problem is that I also like to be alone, I'm a quite person and keep to myself. I get extremely anxious when I see an old friend of mine and I always end up crossing the road or turn around in order to avoid speaking. Its so confusing like I miss my friends but on the other hand I don't miss the insults and jokes that always end up on me. I don't know how to communicate with people in person any more.

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Are you sure friends are making fun of you, or are you just taking things wrong? Is it just guys busting each others b411s fooling around? Some guys do that and dont mean anything by it. If thats the case maybe you should say something the next time it happens. If youre making self depreciating jokes about yourself, and your family doesnt 'get it', maybe even they think youre going too far beating yourself up, which by the way you shouldn't be doing. Be kind to yourself. Many of us are over sensitive, in my case from my dad making stupid comments to me that he thought were funny. You need to learn to speak up for yourself when people say hurtful things to you, and stop doing it to yourself as well. Running away from the world isnt making anything better. People need each other. Talk about it with family-friends. Not all guys are rough " i can take anything" types. I'm certainly not. Some people only feel good when theyre putting others down. If people really are being mean to you, find some new people to be around.

Steve

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You are not alone. You are courageous for posting. As someone else mentioned, you have no idea how many people find comfort in your words. Honestly, it brought me to tears because I felt like you were describing me. I’m 30 and im a flight attendant and I’m always around people but I long to get to my hotel at the end of the day so I can just shut the door and cry. I feel so alone and lonely. It’s like what you said, you miss having your friends but at the same time you like being by yourself. It’s how I am and I’m trying to find a healthy balance. Ugh.  It’s hard for me to trust anyone since most of my friends have betrayed me in one way or another. 

Hang in there. I’m here for you if you need. Remember, you are not alone. This community is amazing. Take advantage of it and reach out whenever. 

Sending you a virtual hug. 

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Hi Steve,

I always tried fitting in groups and never felt at ease. I was always the quite guy and everyone didn't give a damn if I was present I know as I was once told.

Even when I used to run everyone would come and try and annoy me. One clear episode was on a specific event this guy came to me and told me if I would like to run together. I of course said yes as I never quite cared if I won or not as long as I did a good time. As soon as the starter started the race he immediately went for it..

I'm a man of my word and I always put everyone else before me especially at work. But it always ends up in me getting frustrated because people take advantage of me.

Work now is worse as I work with my in-laws. You cannot immagine the frustration when for example you are working on something and making good time than someone comes and tells you your method is slow.. and shows you his way and we time his and mine and time shows that my way is better but still keeps insisting that I'm doing it wrong time wise. I can't say how I feel as I've been so frustrated for so much time that I'll end up shaking and stuttering and not make any sense as it already happened to me. Now most of the time I even end up not saying anything as its worthless.

Thanks for the kind comments MakeThePainGoAwag. It think your job would fit me perfectly as I think you never see the same people every day.

I don't know if I'm making much sense but this is the first time I ever expressed how I feel not even with my therapists cause as I said I start shakking and what comes out of my mouth is the truth but I somehow make it look like I'm at fault cause I'm getting used to being told that I'm seeing everything wrong.. honestly I don't know how this will end I constantly feel the need to not feel myself like get drunk or take more pills to numb my brain at least for a few hours.

I've endured so much health issues since I've started and never missed a day of work.. I've had missed heart beats for months after that irritable bowel syndrome which took quit some time to diagnose, skin problems with stress, headaches at the back and eyes but no one even cares in the morning to say hey a$$ whole how are you feeling today?? I know your sick hope you get better.. Always ending up with more medication than before.

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You sound like me! I have been going to cognitive therapy for a few years now and I just switched therapists and my new one is amazing. It sounds like you need to set some boundaries. I can tell you realize your worth but I always struggled with other people not recognizing it until I realized one day that I don’t need validation or approval from everyone. I have started setting boundaries and i have been feeling better. It was hard at first because I always put other people first and setting boundaries seemed almost mean but it’s vital for your emotional survival. I also started lifting at the local gym and normally I’m so anxious of people looking at me that I would rather hide at home but watching my body change and feel powerful helped me a lot. Remember you are amazing and you don’t have to prove to anyone anything. I highly recommend cognitive therapy and start doing small things for yourself. I often buy a nice watch or perfume for myself every few months because hey, I deserve it! You do too! 

I was always drowning myself in alcohol and impulsive behaviors but after my health problems started like IBS, elevated liver enzyme counts etc, I started to really take care of myself. I have more bad days than good but I think in the long run, I’m making progress. Take it one step at a time and find few people who you can share anything with. One or two is enough. Just take it slow. It’s always a process. 

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Hi MakeThePainGoAway,

Even my new therapist started cognitive therapy but to be fair I don't see how it's going to help me. He said to keep a record on situations when I get depressed, the emotion and feeling I felt at that time and what alternative thoughts when I have a mood change.

If I wake up every morning with a horrible mood and go to work every day expecting to have all my buttons pressed how am I going to have happy thoughts? Not even when I play with my dauther my smiles are all fake as deep down I feel horrible and scared at the same time hoping that she will never have to pass trough what I going trough.

I'm even having trouble again with my partner with regards to having intercourse its like I don't want to even think about it. We've also started intercourse and relationship therapy we'll see how it goes.

I have no will to do exercise I alwaysstart but never continue. Maximum 1 month and that's it.

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I always put everyone else first too. But it sure gets old. Plus then they expect it, and take you for granted besides.

So whats with working for the inlaws? Was that the wifes idea? Resentment will destroy intimacy where a guys equipment is concerned for sure. Can you get a job elsewhere? Are you staying there just because family is involved. Would you have been long gone if that were not the case? Having people belittle you all day sounds like no fun.

Just wondering if like me, you allow people to railroad you into things you reallly dont want to do, then you resent it later. 

Steve

 

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19 hours ago, Steveab63 said:

I always put everyone else first too. But it sure gets old. Plus then they expect it, and take you for granted besides.

So whats with working for the inlaws? Was that the wifes idea? Resentment will destroy intimacy where a guys equipment is concerned for sure. Can you get a job elsewhere? Are you staying there just because family is involved. Would you have been long gone if that were not the case? Having people belittle you all day sounds like no fun.

Just wondering if like me, you allow people to railroad you into things you reallly dont want to do, then you resent it later. 

Steve

 

Hi Steve,

Yes thats the problem everyone expects you to keep on going while thay just sit down and do nothing. It drives me insane as I help everyone and don't even take a break and when I get so p***** that my heart starts missing beats and I sweat buckets thay start looking freaking angry and figit.

It was everyones idea. Before I made the mistake and joined tham I used to go after my work and organizing and arranging stuff and the next day I would find eveything misplaced and or lost.

After I joined I took it upon myself that I would organize everything to make it easier and during work I constantly kept the place in shape but it was worse as thay took stuf and never put it back in front of me. Once my wife said ti everyone to look at the tools how I arranged them good and created more space and her flippin dad that was looking at me the whole time said "you did that?" and the next day i found everything mixed up and said look how organized I made the tools. I literally couldn't take another breath..

I would have been long gone if it wasn't for family and my like attics i think its like my own rules out of respect and cause deep down I know thay need me to help out?

I tried doing another job which was so hard for me due to my anxiety with meeting new people and stuff like that and took it as part time first after work but had to quite as she said it was making me stressed out which infect it was cause her family started to like take over while I wasn't home and that completely destroyed me. For them I don't exist I only exist to work for them so they can relax.

I started my own online company recently to work from home for now after work and something that wouldn't allow to stress me out. Of course it's hard but if I succeed I would definitely be able to stop working for them. And with a house loan, car loan and a kid its quite risky to suddenly stop my full time.

I'm not a controlling person I never was. I was always the odd one out and a follower not a leader even tough I always had ideas but kept everything to myself cause of fear of being made fun of as happened ones or make people think that I'm after there job or position but her family is so bossy and think the world revolves around them only, that I'm constantly stressed as if I lower my guard down a bit thay would dine on top of my head.

Yes I always allow people to put me in situations that I don't won't and have no guts to speak for myself in fear.

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Yup, i know what you mean. I go along with everything to not make waves and to avoid conflict, then i end up regretting it.  Then sometimes theres no other choice then your stuck with it.

Can you get your own tools and toolbox and keep people out of your stuff? ...or are we talking big expensive things? At work i buy my own tools and dont loan them. Theyre always where i put them. No chasing after stuff.

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3 hours ago, Steveab63 said:

Yup, i know what you mean. I go along with everything to not make waves and to avoid conflict, then i end up regretting it.  Then sometimes theres no other choice then your stuck with it.

Can you get your own tools and toolbox and keep people out of your stuff? ...or are we talking big expensive things? At work i buy my own tools and dont loan them. Theyre always where i put them. No chasing after stuff.

Its silly how a person can manage to be so ignorant about someone elses feelings and well being.

I already tried once getting my own tools but they end up using mine and loose them. No asking if they can use it or not what's in the shop irrelevant if its not theirs they take it and make it their own and often times loose it.

 I know this might sound stupid buty greatest achievement this year was I didn't organize the main table. In the morning I always used to have to cleab the mess they made to start working but from Jamuary I took it upon myself to never clean it and I managed to keep it that way. Now last month or so one of them said it's impossible to keep working this way with the mess they create.. and suggested we start cleaning 30 minutes before we leave. I EXPLODED and for the first time in my life didn't give a crap about everyone elses feelings and told them I'm not cleaning after you guys if you want to find the work space clean everytime you need to use it do it yourself. As they stay there after I leave and that ment I will have to revert to cleaning the table myself everyday. They all left for like 30 minutes after that.. wow.. and told my wife that they weren't excepting that reaction from me eyy and she told me I did wrong.. again wow thanks..

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Wow you cant even catch a break from your wife? I say Keep standing up for yourself. Get your own tool box, lock it, tell people to stay the hell away from your stuff. Make them buy their own. Make them clean their own messes. Your not the maid around there are you? Make your own rules and tell everyone this is my area, and this is how i can be productive. You cant get anything done if youre chasing tools all day. Stop taking everyones crap. If they need you so badly, they need to learn teamwork and respect boundaries. Keep speaking your mind, to hell with them. Family included.

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8 minutes ago, Steveab63 said:

Wow you cant even catch a break from your wife? I say Keep standing up for yourself. Get your own tool box, lock it, tell people to stay the hell away from your stuff. Make them buy their own. Make them clean their own messes. Your not the maid around there are you? Make your own rules and tell everyone this is my area, and this is how i can be productive. You cant get anything done if youre chasing tools all day. Stop taking everyones crap. If they need you so badly, they need to learn teamwork and respect boundaries. Keep speaking your mind, to hell with them. Family included.

That's only part of my issues I'm saying.. but I can finally say that someone understands me Steveab63 thank you so much you gave me hope and showed me I'm not completely off my mind for being organized.

That was my goal when I joined them to teach them how to respect each other during work and how to be organized and maximize production since I always worked for big companies and thay have no experience in this but I failed miserably and to tell you the truth I don't care.

My wife always says she's stuck in between and cannot choose sides.. and that part ok I believe her but now we have our own family she can't favor them if I'm right and I'm saying this cause when we where out with her brother she told his wife that she is getting p***** cause of how her family especially her mother is acting with us and than his wife came to tell me and I was about to fainth literally cause that ment I was right all along!! I asked my wife why she never told me this to my face. Why did I have to go to psychiatrist and therapists making me believe I was doing bad things all the while I was reacting to something that even she was being annoyed of? Seeing how broken I was gaining weight, feeling like a lab rat being givin pills, secretly drinking alcohol to get drunk during work and after, taking more pills than doctors recommend even with alcohol and constantly thinking about ending my life? Why? Why? I never got an answer to this day..

My weight was so important to me I had the perfect body now I cant even tie my shoes, clean my car or do something simple that I'm out of breath and in physical pain. I have no will power to train or do something I feel too alone in this matter and food, alcohol and meds are what I seek daily for comfort.

I download a dozens of training apps, depression apps and stuff like that to try and get me motivated but nothing seems to work.

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Yeah, thats because youre still stuck in that situation. You are not wrong, just because the company before you got there, was comfortabke with chaos, doesnt mean it was right. Ever see the show "Bar rescue". the guy goes into failing businesses and points out all of the inefficiencies that are causing them to lose money. You can be that guy in your work. Like i said, youre not wrong, and dont take crap from the slackers.

Your well being is more important. If youre willing, tell them you're reorganizing or leaving. Since you said youve been in bigger companies before, you get it, and they dont. The nonsense you describe wouldnt fly in most places. 

Stuff gets put back where it belongs, areas are kept organized and clean, and things are done efficiently by people who care, or they're out and replaced by people who will.

Depending on how bad it is, there are also osha and insurance concerns about messy chaos.

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I made a huge mistake today and forgot to take my morning meds.. what a mess..

I'm going to try and focus all my energy on getting my business up and running and in a position that I can quite.

I just wish I could just run away take the next flight to I don't know where and just start fresh.

Any one has found a good app that might help out with depression anxiety and weight?

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It took a lot of guts for you to share yourself with us, but we are glad that you did!  Bet you're glad too.  I think we tend to stop ourselves from doing things (taking risks) because of fear, but the truth is most of what we fear is unfounded.  So, I'm glad you discovered that there's nothing to fear on this board!  🙂   It's just a bunch of us who understand what you're struggling with and want to encourage you to continue to be yourself here.  

 

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14 minutes ago, Clayjars said:

It took a lot of guts for you to share yourself with us, but we are glad that you did!  Bet you're glad too.  I think we tend to stop ourselves from doing things (taking risks) because of fear, but the truth is most of what we fear is unfounded.  So, I'm glad you discovered that there's nothing to fear on this board!  🙂   It's just a bunch of us who understand what you're struggling with and want to encourage you to continue to be yourself here.  

 

Thanks for your kind words. I've registered a long time ago but I only usually read post and never right about my struggles in life.

It feels ok to speak with people that know what I going through, but unfortunately nothing will change except me sinking lower in my depression and anxiety. I'm tired of going to therapy and being bombarded with medication.. I'm seriously exhausted.

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On 9/6/2018 at 12:22 PM, MakeThePainGoAway said:

You are not alone. You are courageous for posting. As someone else mentioned, you have no idea how many people find comfort in your words. Honestly, it brought me to tears because I felt like you were describing me. I’m 30 and im a flight attendant and I’m always around people but I long to get to my hotel at the end of the day so I can just shut the door and cry. I feel so alone and lonely. It’s like what you said, you miss having your friends but at the same time you like being by yourself. It’s how I am and I’m trying to find a healthy balance. Ugh.  It’s hard for me to trust anyone since most of my friends have betrayed me in one way or another. 

Hang in there. I’m here for you if you need. Remember, you are not alone. This community is amazing. Take advantage of it and reach out whenever. 

Sending you a virtual hug. 

Hey how are you doing? What are you trying to do to find the balance between wanting to be alone and with friends?

Its frustrating for me as I work with family all day and I have abandoned all my friends. I don't know where I can make new ones to be honest as I'm always with her family at work and I don't go out except guess what with my family or hers.. I think for me your career path would have been a much better choice for my health than what I was made to choose.

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4 hours ago, Donotopen said:

Hey how are you doing? What are you trying to do to find the balance between wanting to be alone and with friends?

 Hey you. I’m doing okay. I quit one of my meds ( Effexor) cold turkey 9 days ago and I have been dealing with the withdrawls. Day 9 and I’m still bed ridden. lol. It’s been rough physically but mentally I’m starting to feel like my old self. Don’t quit anything cold turkey tho. I’m just impatient and had reached my breaking point. I haven’t really found anything to help me with finding a balance wanting to be so alone. I noticed I am all smiles and laughter when I’m with my crew working on the plane. But I quickly feel mentally drained. You know they say an idle mind is a devil’s workshop. I’m trying to fill my alone time with activities. I was just looking up some art projects to do. 

I have been reading your posts everyday though. Use the starting your own business as fuel to motivate you. I think that’s the best route for you. Also, it seems like you really need to set boundaries with your wife’s family. This is why they say never to work with family I guess. Things get informal and people get walked all over. I’m proud of you for the times you did speak up tho. Don’t let people mistake your kindness and patience as weakness! Do what makes you happy and don’t worry about what other people think. It’s so much easier said than done. It took me almost 15 years to learn this because I always felt like I was being an inconvenience. But screw that, you have feelings too. Keep going at it. I think it would really help you if you could take 30 minutes for yourself alone everyday, away from everyone and just go for a walk. Don’t listen to music or anything but listen to your body and your mind and I think it will help you greatly. The physical aspect of it will also help in feeling better! 

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I know how you feel. I also do the same and have no patience decreasing the dosage slowly, I just stop taking it altogether and most of the time I enjoy the withdrawals.

That's good that you are trying to fill your time. Its good to keep your mind completely occupied with something you enjoy it will keep other thoughts away.

My therapist session is next week thank god. I need to tell him to reduce the days in between.

Listening to music is what sometimes makes life worth living for but even that isn't working right now. The feeling of hopelessness has consumed my soul. Speaking here is making a difference though as final I'm speaking with people that know how I feel exactly.Thanks everyone for helping out.

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11 hours ago, Donotopen said:

Speaking here is making a difference though as final I'm speaking with people that know how I feel exactly.Thanks everyone for helping out.

Yes, continue posting. We are all here for you and for each other. I know I have found a sense of family among you all. For the longest time I felt like a freak. There is always hope. Recently I have been trying to pray more to God and pray often throughout the day when anxiety strikes. It has been helping me tremendously. 

Chin up. Set boundaries at work. Keep working on your business. You are going to be great. 

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