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How Do You Feel Right Now #8


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22 minutes ago, surfcaster said:

Varying degrees of debilitating pain from yesterdays physical therapy, still weighing if i should take the prescribed opioid pain med

Hang in there my friend, I hope you get to feeling better real soon.  If the pain gets really

bad you might have to just take the pain meds for a little while until the pain die down some.

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8 hours ago, Floor2017 said:

You are defiantly a fighter just don't over do it my friend

Thank you.  I never thought I deserved a good life before I became active here.  I've made all amends to the people I had to in life and I fully accept myself and forgive myself for all the things I have done.  I feel at peace in this life now.  I have removed all road blocks in my way.  All that's left is for me to march forward to get the life I want.  I never thought I would make it this far.  I never thought any of the things I have done would be possible.  I know it's possible now.  Everything is.  It's so nice to have the paranoia and the fear gone now.  I'm actually beginning to feel happy and hopeful.

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Very upset. I always thought our family was not invited to family gatherings (we are the "black sheep"), but I inadvertently found out today that my dad has been going to family gatherings alone, without even telling me about them. The only reason I knew about the event today was my cousin texted me directly about it. My brothers may not like going to family gatherings, but I do.

One of the things that has turned me off of having my own kids is because my immediate family is so alienated from my relatives (and my brothers are not going to be able to provide support in any way), that my kids would grow up isolated. But it wasn't my relatives that were alienating me, it was my dad! WTF!

This has been happening for several years now...like to the point where I am surprised some of my relatives are still friendly with me.

What kind of parent does this? I never ascribe malicious intent to the things my dad does, but this feels devastating. He knows I like my Mum's side of the family. Our family is very socially isolated. He has mentioned anytime we do go to a family gathering that I seem happy. Why would he do this?

Most of my cousins have already had their kids and I have missed pretty much everything. I am devastated that I have unknowingly hurt them. I am devastated I have missed so much. I am devastated that I did not have to feel so alone all this time.

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44 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Thank you.  I never thought I deserved a good life before I became active here.  I've made all amends to the people I had to in life and I fully accept myself and forgive myself for all the things I have done.  I feel at peace in this life now.  I have removed all road blocks in my way.  All that's left is for me to march forward to get the life I want.  I never thought I would make it this far.  I never thought any of the things I have done would be possible.  I know it's possible now.  Everything is.  It's so nice to have the paranoia and the fear gone now.  I'm actually beginning to feel happy and hopeful.

You are a inspiration to us all and we hope 

to be where you are some day 

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Not too bad today. I've had a rough couple of weeks recently, but today was pretty good. But my feet really hurt.

I did panic a bit this morning because this is the month for my car inspection (my car's still newish with very low miles, so I'm not worried about it failing), but I really need new tires for the winter and probably to pass inspection and I'm just terrified of finding good tires and a reputable shop. Plus it's time for a lot of annual doctor appointments, which ratchet up my anxiety. There's just too much to think about and it's weighing very heavily on me.

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Im very ****ing depressed and angry I despise my life with every ounce of my being if I had a easy way to **** myself I probably would have done it tonight, my life is a blackhole that never gets better I told my coworkers I would rather have one of my limbs amputated with no anesthesia then have to go back to work tomorrow. I am ****ed buried in debt no one gives a shit about me **** the employers not hiring me I honestly am so mad I would be happy to see their companies go out of business im such a shitty spiteful person. Nothing gets better it always gets worse. I don't want to talk or see anyone I have nothing nice to say or be happy about so I am trying to keep my mouth shut around everyone now. I have to get up for work tomorrow and act like im still sane. I just wish I could run away sadly their is no escape from any of my problems right now.

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On 11/2/2018 at 2:12 AM, salparadise6132 said:

Oh, WOTL, you don't know how much I hurt for you, and how much pain it brings me to read this post.

But, that said, he cut you off and you clearly did not feel THERE WAS ANY MORE OPENING to him.

That feeling, that hopelessness,  I understand, and so does every person who has ever walked this earth who has had a family member who feels the need to distance themselves forever.

He felt a need, for his own health/reasons, to blow up his past -  and you, such a lovely, caring soul, ended up as collateral damage!!!

And all, in the end, because you re-befriended your parents - or other reasons - which are just reasons and do not speak to the heart of where he was and the pain he felt - which was, likely, looking for any excuse to cut all ties.

I'm sorry, my dear, dear lady, but it was his choice to make you feel that way. 

Not yours!

And God bless his heart, for he was obviously hurting - and you and I know hurting, like everyone else here of DF - but he spray-bombed you along with all the others in your family.  Sometimes, for the most affected and pained, the Napalm option is the easiest thing to reach for.  

Take 'em all out!

That was just his mind in it's desperation!

But you did all you could be expected to do as a loving, thoughtful sister, and also, I might add, a deeply HURTING human being yourself which by definition makes you fearful of reaching out in the face of highly probable rejection!!

From what I have gleaned from your posts, you held on to him longer than anyone else in your family!

Please, please, remember that, WOTL.

What does that say about you?

I am pretty sure I know what it says.

I believe that you did yourself proud with your brother!

You did what you could.

It is not your fault that he had drifted so far.

If there is an afterlife, I know that he recognizes your love!!

If there isn't an afterlife, well, perhaps it doesn't matter.  He once recognized your love.  And that was when he was capable of seeing the truth!

Love and hugs for you,  dialed up to 11, WOTL!

Brian

 

 

My Dear Friend --

Thank you for your kind, cogent, lyrical response.  You have been a constant source of comfort to me here, and I thank you with all my heart.

Love,

Marianna

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17 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I'm starting to feel a lot better so now I'm obsessively cleaning up the house.  I'm pretending someone will stop by to check on me so this place has to be clean.  Nobody will show up though.  It's all to ease my mind.

I like that I will have to use that to clean up my car 🚗.  Somebody might need a ride 

so I better clean this car up.   😀

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I went to see mom today.  I found her out in the field with aliens according to her.  Somehow I'm supposed to keep my sanity through 9 months of this.  I don't care who you are or how strong you are after going through 9 months of this with your mom there is nothing left of you.  By the end of this I will be in a bed right next to her.

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1 hour ago, Natasha1 said:

Hugs. Im so sorry to hear of your loss.

 

3 hours ago, APFSDS said:

Very sad. Tomorrow is my mum's burial.
 

Hang in there my friend and I’ll be praying 

for you that you be given strength and a

peace of mind as you go through the 

difficult days ahead of you 

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7 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm starting to feel a lot better so now I'm obsessively cleaning up the house.  I'm pretending someone will stop by to check on me so this place has to be clean.  Nobody will show up though.  It's all to ease my mind.

I'm finally taking two weeks of vacation later this month. My boss actually congratulated me for doing it. I'm going someplace exotic: My apartment. I'm going to clean it because it's such a disaster area. I haven't felt like keeping up with the cleaning since April of 2017. I keep the cat litter clean and do dishes, but that's about it. It's gotta be done so vacation will be the time to do it.

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14 hours ago, scienceguy said:

Im very ****ing depressed and angry I despise my life with every ounce of my being if I had a easy way to **** myself I probably would have done it tonight, my life is a blackhole that never gets better I told my coworkers I would rather have one of my limbs amputated with no anesthesia then have to go back to work tomorrow. I am ****ed buried in debt no one gives a shit about me **** the employers not hiring me I honestly am so mad I would be happy to see their companies go out of business im such a shitty spiteful person. Nothing gets better it always gets worse. I don't want to talk or see anyone I have nothing nice to say or be happy about so I am trying to keep my mouth shut around everyone now. I have to get up for work tomorrow and act like im still sane. I just wish I could run away sadly their is no escape from any of my problems right now.

Sorry, my friend. I want to run away too. If not for my daughter, I'd probably be on a street corner begging for quarters.

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