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How Do You Feel Right Now #8


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I'm okay, just a little tired.  I keep falling asleep later and later at night and waking up later and later.  Last night I fell asleep around 4 am and woke up at noon today.  Luckily I am retired otherwise this would be an intolerable situation.  Reading the newspaper every day I realize that things could be so much worse for me and that I am really lucky.  Hugs to everyone who needs one today.  

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Epictitus:

I think some peoples clock is wired diffetently than others.

When i worked for myself, i got up at 9am, worked until after dark, and went to bed at midnight. I've never been a morning person. I force myself for work, but my body isn't in sync.

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Frustrated at how quickly I get tired out and frazzled. I'm packing for trip, but one pair of my jeans is just mysteriously missing. Also need to run a load of laundry. Still need to get a couple of things at the store. I just hope I don't forget anything.

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I am toxic, it seems.

Everyone I finally feel the courage to confide in runs.  I am no danger to them, only to myself.  And yet, it's "Goodbye Brian."

"Find someone who accepts you as you are," they say, at least that's what they say before I tell them the truth about me - of my suicidal ideation and how I wake up in the morning imagining myself swinging from a tree, or with a barrel down my throat, and how those thoughts make me feel relieved and at peace.

After I offer that, my truth, no matter how much I trusted them, they are gone. 

I am wiped away from their lives.

Please tell me this is not loneliness.

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People treat me the same way.  They want nothing to do with me unless they can use me.  I'm retired at this point.  I'm not going to make the mistake of choosing to be around people again.  I'm going to hide away here at the house until they drag me out of here which will be in the spring when we will have to sell everything.  Nobody accepts me for who I am.  Nobody cares who I am.  

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30 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Nobody accepts me for who I am.

Because nobody will. This is something we need to learn. People will only accept/care about what we can offer to them.

Remember: humanity is a species of selfish narcissists.

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1 hour ago, iWantRope said:

Because nobody will. This is something we need to learn. People will only accept/care about what we can offer to them.

Remember: humanity is a species of selfish narcissists.

Yes I know that.  I've learned what people really are going through hard times in life.  I was homeless at one point.  I found out real quick how awful people are.  Your family will absolutely leave you to sleep under a bridge in the winter.  If you get to a point where you have to be put away because of mental illness or some other terrible illness family will leave you there to rot as well.  I've been there too.  If you go for a walk in the woods all the animals are screaming at each other warning each other because people are the most destructive animal on earth.

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I feel like crap. I helped my daughter out this a.m. and then had to return to work. As I was driving towards the office, a sudden, intense wave of depression smacked me HARD and I went straight down. Had to pull the car over to the side of the street. I just sat there becoming more and more despondent. What brought it on? It had to be the thought of going back to the office to face the mountain of BS.

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11 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

I am toxic, it seems.

Everyone I finally feel the courage to confide in runs.  I am no danger to them, only to myself.  And yet, it's "Goodbye Brian."

"Find someone who accepts you as you are," they say, at least that's what they say before I tell them the truth about me - of my suicidal ideation and how I wake up in the morning imagining myself swinging from a tree, or with a barrel down my throat, and how those thoughts make me feel relieved and at peace.

After I offer that, my truth, no matter how much I trusted them, they are gone. 

I am wiped away from their lives.

Please tell me this is not loneliness.

Hello, Brian,

In my opinion, the most important thing about suicidal ideation is that usually the thinking does not lead to actual suicide. 

I've learned that those of us who think about committing suicide are actually longing for relief from pain and relief from agony.  As you said, it's seeking calm and peace of mind.  It's wishful thinking that most of us will never act on.

Current mental health philosophy is to never ignore someone who thinks or speaks of suicide, because they may be one of the people who will eventually act on it.

Vice versa, people who have never thought about suicide DO NOT understand it, and would rather run from it than help with it.

Here is my suggestion for future talks about it with friends and family (this method has worked for me).

I always preface with this: "I'm prone to anxiety an depression which hurts so much sometimes that it makes me think about k i l l i n g myself.  But even when I'm thinking about it, I've already promised myself that I'm not going to follow through because of the disastrous effects on my sons and my mother.  However, I want to let you know me a little better and understand me a little better by telling you that I sometimes / often think about suicide.  It's a way to think about making my sadness go away permanently.  When I talk to you about it, try to think of it as something less serious like your friends who claim that they wish they could quit their job, or declare that they ARE going to quit their job, when they know and you know that they're not really going to quit their job.".

Also, Brian, I must confess that there've been TONS of times when I want my family and friends to listen to my troubles and sympathize with me, but at other times I DON'T want to listen to their troubles !!  It's like I want the help to be one way.

And, also, I've confided in all three of my brothers who have all been very helpful to me at times, but then other times I can sense that they are not able or not in the mood to help me.  Two of them have serious troubles of their own.

Anyway, who recently ran away from you? A friend or buddy? A potential girl friend? A family member? In my opinion, it makes a difference when we "consider the source" of who is rejecting us.

One more thing about people who refuse to help with something that they've never experienced and don't understand.  This is a weird thought I had recently.  You know about the Hurricane Michael devastation in Mexico Beach, FL.  Those people are now in desperate need of help.  However, I wonder how many of them gave monetary donations or actually traveled to help the previous victims of Hurricane Harvey, Hurricane Irma, Hurricane Maria.  I'm betting most of them may've felt sympathy for previous hurrican victims, but never helped them.

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1 minute ago, JD4010 said:

I feel like crap. I helped my daughter out this a.m. and then had to return to work. As I was driving towards the office, a sudden, intense wave of depression smacked me HARD and I went straight down. Had to pull the car over to the side of the street. I just sat there becoming more and more despondent. What brought it on? It had to be the thought of going back to the office to face the mountain of BS.

Hello, JD,

I agree that the sudden attack was related to returning to work.

I'm so sorry !!!!!

I've worked in more than one toxic work environment, and I've also worked more than once at locations where the quantity of work asked from me was way beyond reasonable.

I'm thinking of you, are you still in the car this minute on your phone, or did you start driving again?

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1 minute ago, JD4010 said:

@Lynn1954 I made it back to the office. But it took every last ounce of effort I had. I dunno. I have it good by so many people's standards. I just need to suck it up.

Well, so many ways to describe it and approach it: "suck it up", "be kind to yourself", "identify your victories even if no one else does", "try to accept good enough from yourself rather than demanding perfection from yourself", "baby steps, blah blah blah.

PLUS here's one more just to make you smile, because you previously revealed that this is one of your favorites: "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade !!" I hope you get a little chuckle or big guffaw from that !!!

 

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Not too great.

I did have a good session with my therapist this morning, but it seems that the hour went by much too fast.

Then this afternoon I had a medical appointment related to my accident. 

It’s rainy, my back hurts, and I just wonder when I will ever start to feel like myself again. 

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