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How Do You Feel Right Now #8


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16 minutes ago, BeyondWeary said:

Oh.... so sorry. That is so much on you. Wish I could make it better somehow.

Every day for the rest of my life I will believe her position in life is my fault.  It's messed up thinking but it's still the truth.

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9 minutes ago, BeyondWeary said:

I've been feeling extra anxious overall lately. It makes it hard to do life. Although I have some good moments that I am grateful for, the hard place I'm in never seems to go away and it is so dominate.  

My friend, I do understand what you are saying don't allow it to defeat

you.  Chatting about what is going on usually help you to deal with it 

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

The engine blew up on my mower today.  The old me would care and get all worried because technically I have more yards to finish for the year.  This me doesn't care.  I'm done with mowing forever.  It's time to move on.  I guess I'm worried because this is my life at almost 40 but oh well it's time to go get real work and have a real life instead of the life of a teenager.

One of those "catalyzing events" that comes along and brings us to a crossroads in our lives. Some people say it's opportunity knocking. I say it's one more sideswipe by events.

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I feel like it's the end of the world in this moment. ...well, coming on here helps a little, but. I feel like the world is asking me to do the impossible. This, of course, isn't entirely true. I have at least one option (and of course the second option to do nothing), but that one option is hard and I may fail. I'm so afraid to fail! ...again! why must I go through this misery??

READ BELOW ONLY IF YOU HAVE TIME OR DESIRE

like i said, coming on here helps... I want to continue writing to give myself something to do. as I write out the disclaimer though, I realize I could go to my journal and start writing. It feels different though knowing someone else is listening. somebody who gets it. I don't have a lot of people in my life that get it and/or those that do, they can't help me much. 

Seriously, what can I do today to pass the time and not worry about what I have to do later today (the "impossible" task). I feel so tired that I want to do something easy or at my desk. Maybe I will just start my journal again.

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13 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

One of those "catalyzing events" that comes along and brings us to a crossroads in our lives. Some people say it's opportunity knocking. I say it's one more sideswipe by events.

The universe is always working against us but it made a move that would knock the old me down.  God or whatever that has had it out for me since day one doesn't know this me at all.  It's just like all of my enemies in life.  They don't have any idea what move to make against me because I'm so different.  I'm stronger than I've ever been.  Nobody thought I would survive 8 months on my own.  I don't want to mow grass anymore so who cares?  Yes this is a crossroads in my life.  The sad honest truth is I'm probably on my own from now on and I'm strong enough to do it.

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When it rains, it really does frickin' pour (sometimes literally). First my grandmother's passing, and now Hurricane Michael is about to hit the panhandle. Which is exactly where my dad has to drive back through to go back to attend the funeral. If the highway is closed, he and my sister may have to catch flights if they can. Also, my dad got a call from my mom's nursing home that she hit two people. She possibly has a UTI again, since that's the main reason she acts out like this.

My dad is also telling me I have to make more of an effort to go see her in the home before she forgets who I am. That was a blow. Ironically, her forgetting me is precisely what I'm afraid of. But really I don't like seeing her as she is now. It's like she's a shell of her former self. The thought of visiting her by myself makes me nervous. I'm afraid she won't even react if I try to talk to her because she really only talks to my dad now, and then barely. When she first got bad, when we'd go to see her her eyes would light up when she saw me. That hasn't happened in a while. She may have already forgotten me.

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12 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I know what you mean about karma not affecting the "beautiful people". Or at least it doesn't happen in real time. I've never observed it anyway.

I got picked on a lot when I was younger and shunned as I grew older. I'm definitely not "handsome". I guess the one good thing is that I don't have to spend hours out of every day looking at myself in a mirror trying to enhance my appearance. No expensive barber visits either.

I'm sorry that people treat you like sh!t, my friend.

 Thank you my friend. Yeah at least im saving money by not going to a hairdresser and buying ton of make up. Even those thing would not help with my appearance. 

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My mind is trying to lead me to relapse.  I see it coming but it won't happen.  When you are an addict during the worst times of your life your brain doesn't want to make things better.  It sees the worst times as opportunities to finish us off but it won't happen.

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18 hours ago, JD4010 said:

One of those "catalyzing events" that comes along and brings us to a crossroads in our lives. Some people say it's opportunity knocking. I say it's one more sideswipe by events.

My friend something good is going to come from this just wait and see.

Mark this day down on your calendar and see what you'll be doing from

here a year from this date.  Best of luck my friend   

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12 minutes ago, Floor2017 said:

You are so right my friend and I been there many times before.  Just

don't give into it and it will go away.

I won't ever give into it.  This disease has no idea who it's messing with!  Yes this is the worst time in my life but it's like the moment in The Lord of the Rings when all hope seems lost and then the tree in the courtyard begins to bloom and everything begins to turn around.  Today is that moment in my life where everything begins to change for the better.

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22 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I won't ever give into it.  This disease has no idea who it's messing with!  Yes this is the worst time in my life but it's like the moment in The Lord of the Rings when all hope seems lost and then the tree in the courtyard begins to bloom and everything begins to turn around.  Today is that moment in my life where everything begins to change for the better.

I like your style you know the difference between being planted and being buried  🤣

When you planted you know you are going to come up again But

being buried that is it and there is no tomorrow

Edited by Floor2017
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Worthless, a joke, my life has always been a complete joke. I don’t wish this illness on anyone, not even my word enemy. I keep trying and trying and nothing. I’m so tired of healthcare providers and people telling me to reach out for help, when none exists.

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3 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

Worthless, a joke, my life has always been a complete joke. I don’t wish this illness on anyone, not even my word enemy. I keep trying and trying and nothing. I’m so tired of healthcare providers and people telling me to reach out for help, when none exists.

I'm sorry to hear that my friend just hang in there and hopefully things will gradually

get better.  Remember to take it one day at a time until things get better for you.  Don't

try to accomplish to much to soon because that is a sure recipe for failure.  :hugs:   

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18 minutes ago, Floor2017 said:

I'm sorry to hear that my friend just hang in there and hopefully things will gradually

get better.  Remember to take it one day at a time until things get better for you.  Don't

try to accomplish to much to soon because that is a sure recipe for failure.  :hugs:   

nothing will ever get better. its been like this for decades. no matter what i try , it fails, i will never be normal ..this illness will always haunt me ..even when i'm sleeping..the nightmares are horrible..

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22 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

nothing will ever get better. its been like this for decades. no matter what i try , it fails, i will never be normal ..this illness will always haunt me ..even when i'm sleeping..the nightmares are horrible..

I know I have them to but I will never go down without a fight

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On 10/9/2018 at 6:46 PM, salparadise6132 said:

I need some advice from the wise folks here on this forum who deal with what I deal with.  Any thoughts would be appreciated (Hugs).

I have a friend who is on a spiritual journey.  It's a long story, but basically, she has sworn off attachment to just about everything.  She is content getting by - come what may.  I admire this, in her, very much.

She says that I need to stop distracting myself - with booze, video games, surfing the net, smoking - and many other things (LOL).  She says that, in order to be healthy and transcend my fear, I need to become comfortable in silence - doing nothing.  Just being.

I tried it yesterday and, WOW, it was terrifying.  Alone with my thoughts - alone with the brain I've been fighting for 50 years.  She says I have to go through the hell of this fear, and that I will come out the other side in peace. 

Anxiety treatment encourages us to face our fears.

But it also encourages us to distract, keep busy, go out, do something.

Seems like contradictory advice to me.

I wonder if what she is saying would work for someone like me - or, someone like many of you, with a teeming, screaming brain that causes anxiety and depression?

What do you think?

Hello, my friend,

I'm late to answer this, but I'd like to give it a try.  I'll speak in the first-person "I" to explain what I've done, but everything is meant as ideas that could help you.

In my experience, it's not contradictory to sometimes seek peace via my own thoughts but sometimes seek peace via distractions.  I do both !!  So, I'd advise that you could do both.

I draw a strong line between distractions and destructive self-medication.  So, you mentioned booze, smoking, video games, surfing the Internet.  In my opinion, those of us with anxiety and depression are best to fight our tendency to turn to booze, d r u g s, food, or smoking / vaping as distractions. But surfing the Internet, playing video games, watching television are legitimate distractions.  Sometimes we need the distractions just to make it through the day, especially if our thoughts are leaning towards suicidal thoughts.

I slow down my racing mind via small chunks of quiet and thinking, not long stretches of it.  Here are some of my most successful ways to calm down and like myself and even love myself, even if only for a brief time.  I've found that over months and years, I've improved my peace of mind, so I believe that the following kinds of thoughts can help.

My inner voice says "You've made so many mistakes, and you should've known better".  So, I've identified five or ten things I've done in my life that were not mistakes, choices and actions I made that helped others or helped myself. So then instead of ruminating on the mistakes, I ruminate on the good things.  So, it's not exactly sitting in silence as your friend suggests, but it does slow down the mind and provide some solace.

I'm not religious and I'm not mystical, but I borrow a few ideas from religion and mysticism that help me.  One of the main ideas that helps me a lot is that my current life on earth is not my only life, and that I'm supposed to experience some suffering and bad stuff now in a way that will make me a more compassionate and complete person in my next life.  My suffering in this life will embed in my psyche such that in my next life I'll tend to be more understanding and non-judgmental about people who are in tough circumstances.  The result of this thinking makes me feel better able to handle the anxiety and depression, makes me feel a little stronger about enduring the pain instead of being overcome by it,

That's all I can write now, I'll write more later if I think of it.

Carry on, @salparadise6132 and maybe try to strike that balance between quiet thoughts and distractions.  The quiet thoughts stuff takes time and multiple baby-step attempts before it becomes habit, so I suggest fitting it in small doses between your distractions.

 

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52 minutes ago, Lynn1954 said:

Hello, my friend,

I'm late to answer this, but I'd like to give it a try.  I'll speak in the first-person "I" to explain what I've done, but everything is meant as ideas that could help you.

In my experience, it's not contradictory to sometimes seek peace via my own thoughts but sometimes seek peace via distractions.  I do both !!  So, I'd advise that you could do both.

I draw a strong line between distractions and destructive self-medication.  So, you mentioned booze, smoking, video games, surfing the Internet.  In my opinion, those of us with anxiety and depression are best to fight our tendency to turn to booze, d r u g s, food, or smoking / vaping as distractions. But surfing the Internet, playing video games, watching television are legitimate distractions.  Sometimes we need the distractions just to make it through the day, especially if our thoughts are leaning towards suicidal thoughts.

I slow down my racing mind via small chunks of quiet and thinking, not long stretches of it.  Here are some of my most successful ways to calm down and like myself and even love myself, even if only for a brief time.  I've found that over months and years, I've improved my peace of mind, so I believe that the following kinds of thoughts can help.

My inner voice says "You've made so many mistakes, and you should've known better".  So, I've identified five or ten things I've done in my life that were not mistakes, choices and actions I made that helped others or helped myself. So then instead of ruminating on the mistakes, I ruminate on the good things.  So, it's not exactly sitting in silence as your friend suggests, but it does slow down the mind and provide some solace.

I'm not religious and I'm not mystical, but I borrow a few ideas from religion and mysticism that help me.  One of the main ideas that helps me a lot is that my current life on earth is not my only life, and that I'm supposed to experience some suffering and bad stuff now in a way that will make me a more compassionate and complete person in my next life.  My suffering in this life will embed in my psyche such that in my next life I'll tend to be more understanding and non-judgmental about people who are in tough circumstances.  The result of this thinking makes me feel better able to handle the anxiety and depression, makes me feel a little stronger about enduring the pain instead of being overcome by it,

That's all I can write now, I'll write more later if I think of it.

Carry on, @salparadise6132 and maybe try to strike that balance between quiet thoughts and distractions.  The quiet thoughts stuff takes time and multiple baby-step attempts before it becomes habit, so I suggest fitting it in small doses between your distractions.

 

Well, my friend your friend is not all wrong in her thinking but she must also make you

aware that you have to take baby steps in your recovery from self medicating yourself.

With time you can learn how to find better methods to deal with these inner voices.

Hang in there my friend and if you ever want to know anything about Spirituality

you send me a email.  I have several degrees in Religion and Biblical Studies

and a Master Christian Counseling   :hugs:  

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