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How Do You Feel Right Now #8


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5 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

Wanting to be with my brother, who didn't want to be with me or any other member of my family. 

Thinking of getting rid of a lot of stuff, just in case.  Don't want people to have to clean up my mess.

I hate seeing you in so much pain. I'm always here for you.  We all love you here!:sniffle1:

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Scared.  Had breathing problems overnight.  Barely managed to get to the ER.  Yes, I somehow effin' drove myself...then did a slow shuffle inside.  Hard to describe the panic of a COPD event unless you've had one.  If it hadn't been so physically painful, it occurred to me to let it run its course and suffocate me.  Somewhat stabilized and back home, but breathing still difficult.  I'm just ranting but I feel like, hell, I could have died and no one would have known or cared.  I'm so fed up with all this sh#t.

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49 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

Scared.  Had breathing problems overnight.  Barely managed to get to the ER.  Yes, I somehow effin' drove myself...then did a slow shuffle inside.  Hard to describe the panic of a COPD event unless you've had one.  If it hadn't been so physically painful, it occurred to me to let it run its course and suffocate me.  Somewhat stabilized and back home, but breathing still difficult.  I'm just ranting but I feel like, hell, I could have died and no one would have known or cared.  I'm so fed up with all this sh#t.

Of course I care.:hugs:You have to take care of yourself!  That had to be very scary!  Don't they have rescue inhalers for that?  I know most medication commercials completely lie about the effectiveness of their products but surely it would help some in an emergency.  I'm very worried about you.  I'm always here for you any time you need me.

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14 minutes ago, Rattler6 said:

Thanks velvetpuddles,

I have to be focused on something for things to be okay and my focus is not what it used to be.  

When we are depressed focus is very hard.  I feel the worst in the mornings.  I don't drink anymore but I still wake up feeling hungover.  In the mornings I still feel just as bad as when I drank.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

When we are depressed focus is very hard.  I feel the worst in the mornings.  I don't drink anymore but I still wake up feeling hungover.  In the mornings I still feel just as bad as when I drank.

You will get past it.

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It's another weekend watching my life pass me by.  I don't have any real interests so there is no place for me to go.  My interests are one poison or another that helps me cope with a life and a world I don't like and I'm sick of all those interests so all that is left is emptiness. 

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I feel...unmotivated. I really want to take a nap but I'm helping my daughter with some college assignments. Jeez, I sucked the first time through college, and I still suck. Pages and pages of BS to write.

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

I feel...unmotivated. I really want to take a nap but I'm helping my daughter with some college assignments. Jeez, I sucked the first time through college, and I still suck. Pages and pages of BS to write.

I flunked out of college.  That was another big moment that my teenager forever mind threw in the garbage.  

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10 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Scared.  Had breathing problems overnight.  Barely managed to get to the ER.  Yes, I somehow effin' drove myself...then did a slow shuffle inside.  Hard to describe the panic of a COPD event unless you've had one.  If it hadn't been so physically painful, it occurred to me to let it run its course and suffocate me.  Somewhat stabilized and back home, but breathing still difficult.  I'm just ranting but I feel like, hell, I could have died and no one would have known or cared.  I'm so fed up with all this sh#t.

I witnessed my nan going through this. People around her (family) were really unsympathetic and would sometimes even have a go at her for complaining but I could see how scared she was. I was more tuned in because I have experience of panic attacks.

I'm glad you're feeling more stable now. It sounds rough that you had to drive yourself to hospital while going through that but kudos to you for doing it.

Is there another way this could be dealt with to make it easier on you if it was to reoccur? Could you have a solid action plan in place to help?

 

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4 hours ago, jeremiah said:

I'm glad you're feeling more stable now. It sounds rough that you had to drive yourself to hospital while going through that but kudos to you for doing it.

Is there another way this could be dealt with to make it easier on you if it was to reoccur? Could you have a solid action plan in place to help?

Though short, you're right that drive was pretty scary...and thx.  No traffic but was afraid I'd pass out.  The closest one isn't the preferred one for my particular HIV agency, that's only a mile further.  I had to make a decision as I pulled into the first parking lot...and it was simply that I couldn't drive any further.When my inhalers fail to do the trick, all I can otherwise to is call 911.  My action plan's the same either way and I used it, yeah.  Pretty simple.  Have all the cards in my wallet, have the phone (and contacts) and charger ready to go.  I'm already scheduled with my ID doc in a week.  We had other matters, but it's time to talk more aggressive home treatment.

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

I never used to be hard on myself.  I started being hard on myself the day I started doing better.  The better I do the harder I am on myself.  It makes no sense.

Oh, makes perfect sense to me, sober.  And, iirc, you're sometimes on me about that very thing. (You sound a little better, btw)

I think you and I have discussed that "whatever I do, it isn't good enough" or words like that.  I still don't necessarily have an answer to that inner critic.  Well, I know where it comes from in my background.  I can tell it to go to hell.  But actually silencing it is another story.

fwiw, I think I had a glimmer of it around Thursday, just before this breathing stuff hit.  Yeah, looking at the past six weeks, I HAVE done some remarkable work.  I think it came when I saw the light at the end of the tunnel on a couple of Mom's financial issues that have dogged me.  More tangibly, I was able to look around at the clean living room and organized porch, saying to myself, "alright, you done good."  Off on a tangent...any of this help?

Edited by MarkintheDark
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On ‎10‎/‎6‎/‎2018 at 1:35 AM, womanofthelight said:

Wanting to be with my brother, who didn't want to be with me or any other member of my family. 

Thinking of getting rid of a lot of stuff, just in case.  Don't want people to have to clean up my mess.

Nooooo!  Please?  Just noooo.

And this is coming from a guy whose SI has been through the roof the past few weeks.

Again - please no!  I need you on here!

Brian

 

 

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 So, for a weekend off...it's actually been okay to good, I guess? It's my first weekend off in a month, and second weekend off in three months, so it was definitely needed.

 Friday, I actually spent some time with my family. I survived it. I can't say that I fully enjoyed it, but I made it through. And Saturday was spent immersed in interests and not thinking about anything in my life, and it felt quite good.

  I've come to terms that I'm never going to be the person I used to be, and that's fine. Hey, maybe I can even be better. But not leaving the house for anything except for cigarettes, doctors appointments and work is probably going to stand in the way of that. Eventually, I can clear that hurdle, perhaps? Who knows. I just need to stay grounded, stop letting my mind take over (I'm sure it will happen in the next 24 hours, because I thought about it, but still...) and take it day by day.

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6 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

it's time to talk more aggressive home treatment.

That sounds good to me...have all the tools you can get your hands on.

It's sad that when the shit hits the fan we can't even get anyone to get us to hospital. I've been in that position too. I had an issue with my eye and couldn't drive myself. 

I wonder if I would be able to ask anyone now. I'm not sure I would want to.  

How quick are taxis where you are? Maybe you could befriend one and have him on call in an emergency?? 

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9 minutes ago, jeremiah said:

How quick are taxis where you are? Maybe you could befriend one and have him on call in an emergency?? 

Oh, I keep Lyft on my phone, too.  Better option, imo.  You can imagine the review I'd write...hahaha

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6 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Oh, makes perfect sense to me, sober.  And, iirc, you're sometimes on me about that very thing. (You sound a little better, btw)

I think you and I have discussed that "whatever I do, it isn't good enough" or words like that.  I still don't necessarily have an answer to that inner critic.  Well, I know where it comes from in my background.  I can tell it to go to hell.  But actually silencing it is another story.

fwiw, I think I had a glimmer of it around Thursday, just before this breathing stuff hit.  Yeah, looking at the past six weeks, I HAVE done some remarkable work.  I think it came when I saw the light at the end of the tunnel on a couple of Mom's financial issues that have dogged me.  More tangibly, I was able to look around at the clean living room and organized porch, saying to myself, "alright, you done good."  Off on a tangent...any of this help?

I know where the inner critic from my background comes from.  I am glad you brought this up.  Every time I let that voice beat me down he continues to win.  It isn't going to happen.  We can't let that person win.  You have done an amazing job helping your mom.  I also beat myself up because I always feel like I'm running out of time to get the life I want.  It's because I live in a world that has constantly tried to derail the things I do.  I'm afraid of people for the most part because I have seen firsthand how awful they can be.  If a spaceship landed in the yard right now I would run outside and say get me out of here!

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