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How Do You Feel Right Now #8


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Im so freaking mad right now. Cyfd in my area got sued for neglect and stealing money, so my case is on hold and tensions at my home are so high. My anxiety is awful and I'm desperately missing my boyfriend. For the past week or two, it's just been a constant state of exhaustion and anxiety. 

I guess it's good that cyfd got called out for their problems though. Means that when stuff improves, I'll be first in line for help. 

 

I hope it does improve.

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Guilty.

Was scrambling to buy food before the grocer closed and put down my basket to return something the aisle over. Came back and it was gone. One of the workers thought it was abandoned and half of it he returned while I had been trying to find it. I snatched it out of his hand and grumbled "thanks" sarcastically. Later he offered to help me get some of the items. I apologized to him but no one deserves that type of rude behavior over a mistake.

Although I was tired and had a bad day, I have anger issues that I need to work on. If I had been on the receiving end of that it would have crushed me. I took my anger at someone else and levelled it on some innocent guy. I am ashamed.

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Today was a great day. I feel hopeful. However that hope can be easily taken away. I had the best interview of my life. N now I play the waiting game. The fiancé took me out to celebrate for getting through and feeling positive about it. Tomorrow I will get drinks with my friend and continue to celebrate. I want to ride this positivity and be proud of making it this far. The only nagging feeling is it was all for nothing n the job will go to someone more qualified or more personable. 

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Not having a good overnight.  Probably a 7-8 on a scale of 10 (the worst).  Hope I can get back to sleep.

Except for cleaning up the porch - to an acceptable level of disarray - and putting out the trash/recycling - a lot of it from the porch - I completely otherwise shut down yesterday.  I wish I could feel a sense of accomplishment for the little I DID manage to do, especially since that project's been all year in the doing.  The place looks decent, and I can't enjoy it.  And like last week, I couldn't even pull myself together enough to get the car into my mechanic for a relatively minor engine code. 

Despite my encouragement to others here DF, I was the one who couldn't seem to give himself permission to have a shutdown.  I couldn't even enjoy binging Law & Order.  I feel like crying...for the first time since spring or even last winter.

The paperwork for Mom's legals came through and I couldn't even look at it, though I've worked on accomplishing the docs for months.  A few signatures - hell, this week - and it's finally done.  A handlebar assist arrived for her and I couldn't open the package.  That means going over to install it and that likely means dealing with one of her self-inflicted dramas. 

The only accomplishment I feel is that I avoid her lest I lose my temper with someone whose mind is slips in and out of sanity unpredictably.  There's a fine line for me these days between firm and angry.  I just wasn't up to any of it yesterday.

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1 hour ago, MarkintheDark said:

I'll take that as a glimmer of humor, sober...though you may not want to admit it.  Well done.

Yes I meant it as humor.  Also mom and I had a serious conversation yesterday.  I'm not going to be the doormat anymore. I'm going to stick up for myself from now on.  Nobody will ever take advantage of me again.  The Thanksgiving thing kind of shows the family I have to deal with.  Mom is coming home on the 15th of this month after being in the hospital for 8 months and they expect us to host a party the following month.  There is no empathy there whatsoever.

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I'm tired. All I care to do is sleep. I don't want to see anyone I just want to be left alone. I have to go to work and run those stupid registers. I have to do this and do that and i'm TIRED.  I'm so tired of living. I just don't have the energy. What is the point? Why am I even here if all I ever feel is this pain?

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I feel accomplished as of midday.  Also feel I should perhaps quit while I'm ahead.  (BBC is running Dr. Who today and that may be my afternoon binge...f**k it)

As long as I was up early, and despite the anxiety attack, decided to jump into my tasks.  That meant the ATM, for one.  Potential buyer for the duplex had already arrived at his brother's across the street, so had a few minutes to show him my side...and I don't have to think about it any more.  Next car trip:  Mom's agency again hadn't briefed the aide.  I did.  But - good for you, Mark - didn't stick around for Mom's drama or answer her inevitable phone call to complain.  Not my problem.  A few calls and I've a new agency for Monday.  Told this agency their last day was Friday.

Reviewed the draft of Mom's legals.  It's gonna require more work than I'd expected to fill in the blanks.  Emailed my cousin (who I've never met) to fill in the familial stuff.  I'll see if I can fill out the rest this week...maybe.  AND, faxed more medical info that Mom's cardiologist had requested Friday (her GP, scripts from ALL her docs).

I think the only way to drive home that, indeed, I've been productive is to just lay it all out in writing.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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22 hours ago, Twister said:

 

I’m so sorry, ladysmurf.  I can definitely relate to the loneliness you feel.  It’s easy to feel “left behind” when others are simply tied up with their busy lives.  You are surely not alone in that.  

I’ve always loved the quote “Comparison is the thief of joy”.  I have to remind myself (OFTEN) how toxic and harmful it is to compare my strengths and my struggles to those of others.  It such a tough habit to break.  My “baby steps” goal is to be as mindful of that as possible.  What an eye opener.  😳

Big hugs to you...

Yes I try to remind myself that too but after so many failed attempts its hard to believe it and live by that..

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On 10/1/2018 at 2:16 PM, JD4010 said:

I'm amazed at how much room 2 cats can take up. I often wake up at the very edge of the bed, a centimeter away from tumbling to the floor. But I don't care. Free heat and great snuggles!

Oh yes!!!! We don't own our beds they do :laugh: I have a king size bed - 2 of my dogs are small and one medium so most nights i have to wiggle my way in between them to find a spot to sleep!

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Everything today has been hard. 

Having a shower and washing my hair was hard. Cleaning up in the bathroom was hard.

Dealing with people was hard. I was so irritated by everyone.

Coming home and making food was hard. 

Cleaning cats litter box = hard.

And when I try to relax = hard. Relaxing seems so impossible sometimes doesn't it. Far more to do with the brain than the body, I suspect.

Hard.

That's it really 😕

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I have no idea how to relax anymore.  I'm constantly restless but who would be calm in my situation?  My life has been a life that would make anyone run for the hills or slobber in the corner from the first day I woke up on this planet.

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My therapist asked me if perhaps my parents weren't the abusive ones, but if I was.

And holy sh*t. Maybe she's right. Maybe I really am just... a poisonous being. I asked my boyfriend what he thought, and he gave me some hard questions to think over.

So I'm feeling numb. So, so numb. It's funny, I hadn't considered hurting myself in so long but... the urge is back. I hate it. I hate myself. 

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