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How Do You Feel Right Now #8


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I wish i had an out.. As horrible as that sounds.. I feel my relationship is crumbling because of this.. I am ready to just give up on everything and after today's stunt with my sister, she is acting like nothing wrong... 

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Got my rejection after another job interview honestly it feels ****ing pointless,Im almost 28 and this ****ing bulls*** is holding back my whole life I went to college had volunteer experience office experience, *** I have barely enough  money for food I have over 25,000$ in debt. I have been on over 30 interviews by now since graduating two years ago went to tons of temp agencies, interview practice, I have a headhunter applying for jobs for me I am held back by everyone else's opinions of me I try to be as positive kind and upbeat as I can, I read about the companies before I go have a list of questions that I pick from to ask at the end I have an answered prepared for every question I check with career councilors to make sure im giving good answers it all feels pointless I am screwed im going to end up homeless if this continues in the future, with people giving me s***ty advice like im an ***** and judging me. Arggh im so Frustrated I feel like kicking a whole in my wall!

Edited by scienceguy
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So I had a pretty good day yesterday. Anxiety level stayed around the 2-3 range all day instead of it's typical 6-7.

But then I wake up to a message that makes me think I'm being watched and my paranoia is kicking in, again. So many messages are like they're reading my mind, and now I'm feeling like I'm being watched. I need to just retire to my couch forever and do nothing.

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17 hours ago, salparadise6132 said:

LOL.  Good on you for stretching out the 2003 Corolla!  Send it to the Smithsonian!!  Congrats.  And well done with your efforts at work.  What matters in life is never easy - otherwise, it wouldn't matter.  You stuck with it!!!!!  Keep going!

 

 

 

Lol! Yes, the carolla needs to be commemorated. It’s been through hell and back with me! Thanks so much Brian.. it really pays out to stick things out sometimes. 

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Oh my gosh, back obsessing again.  I'm so flipped up (cleaning up my language here folks..).  Those horrible thoughts are back, like, this has to be beyond depression.  This can't be my life..  

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13 minutes ago, sober4life said:

In October when I quit working I'm going to cut myself off from everything and everyone and start drinking again and finish myself off.  Hopefully I will be gone by the end of the year.

Wait, hey there, what happened?  I think you're one of the nicest people on here--like your presence on here means a lot not only to me but to many others.   :console:

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17 minutes ago, HeatherG said:

Wait, hey there, what happened?  I think you're one of the nicest people on here--like your presence on here means a lot not only to me but to many others.   :console:

I love everyone here but let's face it I failed.  I failed myself and I failed mom.  I've done lots of things in life that I regret but I'll never forgive myself for the position I put mom in.  I saved her to live who knows how many more years in a nightmare.  I deserve to die for it and I have the power to make sure I get what I deserve.  For my situation part of me takes pride in being a freak but it makes having a family of my own impossible.  I can't wait for my story to end.

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19 minutes ago, sober4life said:

In October when I quit working I'm going to cut myself off from everything and everyone and start drinking again and finish myself off.  Hopefully I will be gone by the end of the year.

NOOOOOOO! Don't do it. Of course I know how you feel (or at least can empathize) but jeez, you have come so far! As I've said, you are an inspiration for me.

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I lost the weight and got sober trying to better myself so I could attract someone out there because I wanted a family of my own.  I can't remember the last time anyone acted interested in me.  The one weekend I said I had a date so people wouldn't think I was such a loser but I am a loser.  There is no chance of me ever getting a date.  Any time I ask anyone out their reaction is like the reaction you would get if the dog asked them out.  The answer isn't no.  It's of course not are you crazy?  I am tired of being the freak that the world throws in the garbage!

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13 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I lost the weight and got sober trying to better myself so I could attract someone out there because I wanted a family of my own.  I can't remember the last time anyone acted interested in me.  The one weekend I said I had a date so people wouldn't think I was such a loser but I am a loser.  There is no chance of me ever getting a date.  Any time I ask anyone out their reaction is like the reaction you would get if the dog asked them out.  The answer isn't no.  It's of course not are you crazy?  I am tired of being the freak that the world throws in the garbage!

I can say I know exactly how you feel, there. I lost a bunch of weight, gave up my vices and squashed my addictions...and nothing changed. I told someone how I felt, and they said..."Oh, okay." and then my 'friends' yelled at me for saying anything at all. I have no idea if this helps at all, but you're really not alone in that, and it's actually nice to feel that I'm not, either.

I know I'm new here, but I've read enough to know how important you are to this place. People legitimately care about you, and that's something that I don't feel can be said enough when it's clear that it's true.

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I guess I would like to know what it felt like for love to be a good thing.  It never is for me.  Most people when they really like someone they think there is some chance right I'm already halfway there right?  Not for me.  I know there is never a chance for me.  Love will one day be the reason I take my life.  Simple as that.😥

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

NOOOOOOO! Don't do it. Of course I know how you feel (or at least can empathize) but jeez, you have come so far! As I've said, you are an inspiration for me.

I care about you more than I will ever care about myself.  I want you to have the best life possible.  I will be honest though.  I will keep it together until October but it's going to take a miracle to change my mind.😥

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I'm tired of choosing desire.

I've been saved by a blessed fatigue.

The gates of commitment unwired.

And nobody, trying, to leave.

          Leonard Cohen, 2012

Oh, I wish I could believe in those words.  Stop desiring.  Surrender to my fatigue and embrace it.  Be free of all commitment.

Just can't seem to shake my ego.

 

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The found a cyst in my ovaries

Ive been bleeding for a while

I have pain in my mouth cuz of a advanced tooth decay they can only remove it in 3 weeks

I have pain and itchiness on my feet n hand

I have 2 huge pimple and my face feel greasy..

And im ruminating

 

I am very annoyed right now

 

 

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Well, I bought the 2019 Corolla Hatchback and it's beautiful! Well, I didn't "buy" it, I am leasing it, then may buy it three years from now. It's absolutely gorgeous.... I am in love! 😍 I pick it up tomorrow night & will finally be done with my '03 Corolla. 

It's Monday and I am not thrilled to have to go to work -- BOO. I dread Mondays and the start of each week like something awful. I want to win the lottery so I never have to work again! LOL. 

 

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