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How Do You Feel Right Now #8


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Confused 🤪 My depression central board crashed about a week ago and will only show notifications from then.

I have to open each post individually to see if anyone has replied. It's only showing me updates from a week ago until I open the post and then the new replies are there!? 

 

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2 hours ago, BeyondWeary said:

Give it your best shot, even 10-15 minutes can make a big difference and you could build from there, 5 minutes at a time.

Every day I say I'm going to rest I work all day so I'm going to say tomorrow I'm going to work all day.  Maybe I'll rest.

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My friend keeps texting me and I haven't wanted to socialize all month. I feel bad...she's having a rough time but she reacts differently to depression/sadness - whereas I just want to isolate myself, she wants to socialize. I know I'm a bad friend, and that just makes me want to isolate even more.

Feel especially bad today. Started day wrong and it didn't get much better.

Just want to be left alone.

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10 minutes ago, Kogent5 said:

My friend keeps texting me and I haven't wanted to socialize all month. I feel bad...she's having a rough time but she reacts differently to depression/sadness - whereas I just want to isolate myself, she wants to socialize. I know I'm a bad friend, and that just makes me want to isolate even more.

Feel especially bad today. Started day wrong and it didn't get much better.

Just want to be left alone.

My friend, I do understand and I feel that way at times myself.  Maybe you can just

say one liners to her until you get to feeling better

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8 minutes ago, Floor2017 said:

My friend, I do understand and I feel that way at times myself.  Maybe you can just

say one liners to her until you get to feeling better

I have, just feel bad doing that. I barely am able to care for myself and then other people come into the mix and I feel like crawling into a hole. I feel so much guilt and selfishness. I am tired.

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5 hours ago, shio said:

Yes so true could be worse. I bought a book called "It didn't start with you" but have yet to start reading it. My short term memory sucks so I have to reread and then some to make sens of it. 

Dang I've had fall since the beginning of Sept. MInd there's been snow on the mountains 😶 toooo early

It finally feels like fall here. It was warm and humid yesterday but then the temperature (and humidity) dropped last night. I had my bedroom window open while this happened and it feel great. This is more like it!

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7 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I ditched work today. Didn't miss any meetings or anything but I know my boss will be on my case tomorrow. I have one week left of my "probation" so he's looking for every last little thing I do wrong.

Good for you for taking a break today. I totally understand that. I wish you the best tomorrow. So wish other people could understand this illness more. We need more of a break at times.

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30 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I ditched work today. Didn't miss any meetings or anything but I know my boss will be on my case tomorrow. I have one week left of my "probation" so he's looking for every last little thing I do wrong.

I'm going to ditch work tomorrow.  I talked to the guy today and said yes I'll be there tomorrow but I hate all the people I work for so I won't be there tomorrow.  I want them all to hate me by the end of the year.  Today I mowed in the pouring rain to make that person hate me.

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So I got invited to a birthday party by one of my friends today and I immediately turned it down. I didn't feel bad about not being able to be there, I just felt...nothing.

And now I'm worried that I just felt nothing about something that would've been so important to me just a few months ago. I'm worried that I'm just never going to care about anything again now. I know that in my head I'm trying to save everyone from my problems, but...ugh.

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My estranged brother is dead.  He died on 9/2 and only his circle of friends knew. 

I thought he would come back to me/us.  I prayed for it.  I also prayed that I be the first of my family to die because I cannot bear loss.

Why are my prayers not answered?

Oh, Paul!  Paulie.  Take me with you!!!!

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No matter what's going on I'm able to maintain my weight.  It's always my first thought.  How can I stay at my weight through this mess today.  It's unbelievable the things I do to make sure it happens.  No I will not drink or do drugs again but I will always be in hell.

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1 hour ago, womanofthelight said:

My estranged brother is dead.  He died on 9/2 and only his circle of friends knew. 

I thought he would come back to me/us.  I prayed for it.  I also prayed that I be the first of my family to die because I cannot bear loss.

Why are my prayers not answered?

Oh, Paul!  Paulie.  Take me with you!!!!

I'm so sorry. Complicated grief is a thing unto itself. I hope he is at peace. Please be gentle with yourself. No words are good enough, but I hope DF can help you process everything.

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24 hours of hell.  I'm in trouble, I'm going downhill.  It's tough to even post here but I need be completely candid and get it out.  Couldn't sleep a wink last night.  Even Trazadone (which I've avoided) didn't help mid-morning after I'd scrapped my two appointments today (dentist and car repairs).  Obsessive thoughts keeping me awake, mostly about everything I need to do/can't do for Mom's situation - "helpful" people are making suggestions on what they think I need to do, and it just adds to my now endless effin' list.  (Lord, how many times have I been guilty of that same thing here on DF).  I wish they'd be helpful by actually DOING something instead of talking.  I'm the b@st@rd stuck "doing."  I'm gonna completely lose it with the next person. 

The other thoughts are over situations in which people have tried/are trying to screw me over, despite my couple of successes in thwarting them.  Can't see my T for another week.

Most disturbing to me, I've even visualized my body with a note pinned to it that says, "I told you I was in trouble and you didn't believe me."  This feels about as bad as it's ever been for me.  Why the hell can't I just pull myself together?

When I am up, can't accomplish anything at all and the anxiety attacks come in waves.  I only go out for cigs because I can't be jonesing right now.  Finally fell asleep early afternoon for seven hours.  Like it or not, I'm now probably up for at least 12 hours.

 

Edited by MarkintheDark
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I'm okay. Anxiety keeps coming in these low waves, though. My mind just hones in on a thought, a detail, a fear, a past event, anything, and I get stuck in a loop of catastrophizing.

I don't know...I have things in my life that continually eat at me, regardless of how much I talk, write, or rationalize about them. When something in life reminds me of some such thing, I enter the loop again and sink down, down, down. I just don't know what to do except to stare at my feet and keep running. Just call me Forrest Gump.

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13 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

My estranged brother is dead.  He died on 9/2 and only his circle of friends knew. 

I thought he would come back to me/us.  I prayed for it.  I also prayed that I be the first of my family to die because I cannot bear loss.

Why are my prayers not answered?

Oh, Paul!  Paulie.  Take me with you!!!!

Wow. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. This is heartbreaking (Captain Obvious). Know that your family here at DF is thinking of you. Please keep posting; we want to know how you are doing.

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On 9/25/2018 at 7:29 PM, JD4010 said:

Well...no. It doesn't have to be. I'm the last person to say something like this, but it ain't over until it's over. You have a whole bunch of people pulling for you here.

As an observer, I'd say you aren't doomed. I know, easy for me to say. But people (including me) have pulled out of the doom death spiral before...sometimes as the last possible second.

when everyone gives up on you and the medical field can't help, what are you supposed to do? you can try on your own, i suppose , but how far with that take you?? after decades of suffering. everything has their limits, you know?

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11 hours ago, velvetpuddles said:

I'm okay. Anxiety keeps coming in these low waves, though. My mind just hones in on a thought, a detail, a fear, a past event, anything, and I get stuck in a loop of catastrophizing.

I don't know...I have things in my life that continually eat at me, regardless of how much I talk, write, or rationalize about them. When something in life reminds me of some such thing, I enter the loop again and sink down, down, down. I just don't know what to do except to stare at my feet and keep running. Just call me Forrest Gump.

I can so relate. Maybe if I stop running from it and act like it's a friend, it will be easier on me???

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1 hour ago, ladysmurf said:

when everyone gives up on you and the medical field can't help, what are you supposed to do? you can try on your own, i suppose , but how far with that take you?? after decades of suffering. everything has their limits, you know?

I will never give up you.  I'm in the type of of situation you are talking about.  The medical field failed me.  They actually made things worse.  My family gave up on me 20 years ago.  It's all me.  Sure it's hard but nothing will stop me from getting the life I want!

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