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How Do You Feel Right Now #8


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I am dealing with guilt this week. I'm supposed to use any extra work time (after my normal responsibilities are taken care of) to help a coworker with account research and refunds. But two months in a row now I haven't done much with it. I won't have anything to send to her for month end this week. She knows I have a lot of other responsibilities and my help is limited to my "free time," so she's very thankful when I can help even a little bit. But the truth is, I have plenty of time to help, I've just been having the hardest time getting myself to sit down and actually work on anything.

I don't know if it's laziness, work fatigue, depression, or anxiety about the phone calls that are part of the work (or all of the above). But I feel so guilty and anxious that someone will discover just how much time I spend struggling to do anything... how big of a useless time waster I am. 😣

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6 hours ago, sober4life said:

Things should be much better today.  I have to mow my yard and actually do a good job this time because family will be here tomorrow and I have to make it seem like I'm keeping this place going.  I'm the master of laziness and rest but also the master of keeping up appearances.  I'm sure I will put on a good show for them.

I think we have a lot in common. Wouldn't it be nice if we couldn't care less about their opinions? 

I find the only time my house is really clean is when my mother is visiting.

Sometimes I think it's a good thing because it keeps me on track, but, on the other hand I've ruined countless birthdays of mine spending all day cleaning because the family were visiting in the evening.

I always regret that.

What a waste. 

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I am hoping to quit my small job which I have been thinking about quitting for a while.  I am almost through the probationary period at my big job.  The big job pays very well but is incredibly boring and unfulfilling.

I am tired and depressed.  I am way about 2.5 years ahead on my vehicle payments and am hoping to get it paid off next year.

I want to start training for my private helicopter pilots license soon but am not ready to drop that kind of coun.

Good news is the overpriced desk I got 2 weeks ago seems to be sturdy and holding up.

Have a great day.

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4 minutes ago, velvetpuddles said:

I am dealing with guilt this week. I'm supposed to use any extra work time (after my normal responsibilities are taken care of) to help a coworker with account research and refunds. But two months in a row now I haven't done much with it. I won't have anything to send to her for month end this week. She knows I have a lot of other responsibilities and my help is limited to my "free time," so she's very thankful when I can help even a little bit. But the truth is, I have plenty of time to help, I've just been having the hardest time getting myself to sit down and actually work on anything.

I don't know if it's laziness, work fatigue, depression, or anxiety about the phone calls that are part of the work (or all of the above). But I feel so guilty and anxious that someone will discover just how much time I spend struggling to do anything... how big of a useless time waster I am. 😣

I can so relate to you. So don't feel too bad as I know it's the depression that zaps our energy. I'm mostly faking it at work. I just don't have the energy. So I delegate work back to the factory that I could do. I put things off. I'm late. I'm on this site and pretending that I'm working. So sad! I feel bad but what can I do? Also it takes all I have just to be here and do a few things, go home, eat something, watch TV, sleep, and do it again the next day. I don't have energy to do much more.🙁

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17 minutes ago, jeremiah said:

I think we have a lot in common. Wouldn't it be nice if we couldn't care less about their opinions? 

I find the only time my house is really clean is when my mother is visiting.

Sometimes I think it's a good thing because it keeps me on track, but, on the other hand I've ruined countless birthdays of mine spending all day cleaning because the family were visiting in the evening.

I always regret that.

What a waste. 

I don't care about their opinions.  I just don't trust them.  In a world where everyone will use everything they can against you I choose to give them nothing they can use.

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46 minutes ago, BeyondWeary said:

I can so relate to you. So don't feel too bad as I know it's the depression that zaps our energy. I'm mostly faking it at work. I just don't have the energy. So I delegate work back to the factory that I could do. I put things off. I'm late. I'm on this site and pretending that I'm working. So sad! I feel bad but what can I do? Also it takes all I have just to be here and do a few things, go home, eat something, watch TV, sleep, and do it again the next day. I don't have energy to do much more.🙁

It's such a shame. I'm sorry to hear you're in the same boat. I'm afraid I'll be discovered as a fraud! The thing is, when I have something concrete to do, I have no problem. But when it's a matter of filling my own time with extra work, I can't do it. And that's 90% of my days!

I don't know. We'll get through it somehow. 🙂

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On 9/17/2018 at 8:27 PM, velvetpuddles said:

I've never tried supplements or the lights, but I really can't imagine them helping much! There's nothing like fresh air and sunshine. We are geographical neighbors, so I know you understand all the overcast all the time in this region. We'll get through it as we always do. 😁

The benefits of supplements is that they straighten your body which can help with mental illness. I've taken them for years but according to my doctor most don't contain enough vitiam D so he prescribed it to me. I was doubtful but it does seem to be having a positive effect. Here when I live we have the opposite problem then you, we have extreme heat for 5 months which necessitates staying inside unless absolutely necessary so I've attended much builder to my regiment. Due to both mental and physical illness my weight dropped from 160 to about 139, my family thought I was back on drugs. I really didn't realize how bad I looked till my wife showed before and after pictures, I looked like walking death, it was an eye opener. 

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2 hours ago, velvetpuddles said:

I don't know if it's laziness, work fatigue, depression, or anxiety about the phone calls that are part of the work (or all of the above). But I feel so guilty and anxious that someone will discover just how much time I spend struggling to do anything... how big of a useless time waster I am.

I still struggle with this sometimes if it's a so-called favor.  More frequently I've been exercising the habit of just saying that, no, I have too much on my plate right now.  And I don't bother with or hint at explanations.  For one, it's the absolute truth.  My depression can affect everything and I need whatever time I need to deal with it as I see fit.  That includes shutting down, if necessary.  For another, I've decided some of my personal stuff is none of their business.  I don't owe anyone an explanation or apology for my mental health issues.  Take care of YOURSELF.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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Bawling. I told my brother about my phonecall with my aunt yesterday about our Mum's headstone and he got pissed off, said he was the only one working on it and said to me, "What did you do? Nothing."

It's been 6 years. Everytime he's asked me to find something online, print something, edit/make something on Photoshop, I've done it. My suggestions for the headstone have always been secondary to his. At some point, don't I have a say, even just a little? Don't I have a right to be frustrated? For all my work to be negated hurts so much. She was my Mum too.

Usually I have SUCH a hard time crying. But I am blubbering while I'm writing this. And I have no idea why because I have had much worse happen/said to me and barely flinched.

At what point am I going to stop being shocked that my family doesn't care about my feelings and opinions?

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I'm still cleaning house this morning.  Things like this are the last straw.  Mom and I payed thousands of dollars for this place and I still feel like I'm living in government housing cleaning up for an inspection.  I'm angry at how little I can trust my family.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

I'm still cleaning house this morning.  Things like this are the last straw.  Mom and I payed thousands of dollars for this place and I still feel like I'm living in government housing cleaning up for an inspection.  I'm angry at how little I can trust my family.

Hey sober4life,

Things will get better just keep pushing through.

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On 9/14/2018 at 3:25 PM, Kogent5 said:

How come not in chronological order, if you don't mind me asking? I feel like my mistakes just compound each other. How I chose to act when I was younger made a huge impact on my choices as an adult. It never occurred to me to go back in non-chronological order.

I probably need to stop watching time-traveling shows...

Interesting question and I’m not totally sure.  1988 is when big events happened that changed the course of my life and greatly scarred me, which has molded me into the pathetic person I am today. It wasn’t until a half dozen or so years after 1988 that I became the pathetic person I am.  But that timeline was set into motion in 1988.  Damage was done by 1991 but I think I could have righted the ship then.  1986?  I go back to that time because my life was beginning to take shape but I was still several years away from big time events taking place.  It might be nice to go back to that more innocent and exciting time to see how things could turn out.

But honestly, those are just the key years I isolate.  If I could have a do-over I would choose any year.  Heck, I’d be happy with being 4 years old again and starting everything from even then.  Anything would be better than the tangled mess I have today.

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I’ve always heard the term “breakdown” used to describe someone in dire straights but I’ve never really understood what a breakdown is.  For the past 7-10 days I’ve been useless.  I get to work and project that I’m important and I’m doing “stuff” but in all honesty I’m just staring at a computer reading things.  I’m getting nothing done at work because I’m mentally not capable of doing anything.  I cannot concentrate on anything longer than 60 seconds, if even that, so my brain hops and hops along.  When talking to people I don’t know what to say or I’m afraid to say anything so I just fake it and make it look like I’m relevant.  And then at home I just lay low and don’t do anything because I’m not sure what I can do to be of any value.

Is that a breakdown?  I cannot really function in society right now and my overwhelming compulsion is to get in my car and drive far, far away so that I am around nobody.  I haven’t done that yet but I’ve been very, very close to it.

How am I feeling right now?  Confused, disoriented, isolated, useless, worthless.

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16 minutes ago, MtnDreams said:

I’m getting nothing done at work because I’m mentally not capable of doing anything.  I cannot concentrate on anything longer than 60 seconds, if even that, so my brain hops and hops along.  When talking to people I don’t know what to say or I’m afraid to say anything so I just fake it and make it look like I’m relevant.

I've had the same issue with work for a while now. It's a struggle to work on anything, and I spend my days feeling guilty about it. I wish I had something helpful to say, but I can only nod my head in agreement. I'm sorry. I hope it gets better for you.

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1 hour ago, Rattler6 said:

Hey sober4life,

Things will get better just keep pushing through.

I know thank you.  Most of my problem is I'm the most paranoid person on earth but all paranoia comes from a true fear.  I am the way I am because I have gone through so much abuse that trust is impossible.

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9 hours ago, anon22ae said:

I went out with a friend from work, drank some whisky. Unfortunately, the blackness is breaking through the oblivion nowadays. Even if it's short-lived relief followed by worse, it's hard to achieve even this... except the worse is even worse.

Ya. I gave up drinking entirely for this reason. I'd feel especially horrible the next day, and often the day after that too. The escape is nice, but very short term. And then you really pay for it. The price wasn't worth it any more.

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Worried that all I do is mess with people who enter my life. I don’t think I’m a good friend. I don’t feel like one rn at least. I wanna just clear the air with my friend by hanging out in person again. It won’t happen for a while bc of schedules. Had an opportunity yesterday, but my friend was in a weird mood so postponed turned to cancel. I hope she is ok. I hope this isn’t my fault. But I have no idea. Depression/anxiety gets to us both, but we get that. 

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30 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Ya. I gave up drinking entirely for this reason. I'd feel especially horrible the next day, and often the day after that too. The escape is nice, but very short term. And then you really pay for it. The price wasn't worth it any more.

Yes it's an escape but it's like an escape to the dumpster.  With me at the end I didn't even like the escape because it didn't feel like an escape anymore.  It felt like I was captured by a predator.

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Accomplished but tired.  Therapist and then 90 mins. with dentist.  To reward myself, a carwash and Subway sandwich on the way home.  All this is waaaay more than I usually do in a day and now I NEED TO STOP.  I'm gonna crash.  I refuse to return any calls until tomorrow.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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