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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #8

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3 hours ago, MtnDreams said:

I find that I’m always choosing 1988, 1991, 1986 sort of in that order because that’s when things started going downhill for me.  Decisions I made back then, or didn’t make, end up have no cascading ramifications every year that has gone by since.

How come not in chronological order, if you don't mind me asking? I feel like my mistakes just compound each other. How I chose to act when I was younger made a huge impact on my choices as an adult. It never occurred to me to go back in non-chronological order.

I probably need to stop watching time-traveling shows...

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On 9/13/2018 at 6:47 AM, Lynn1954 said:

Thank you for sharing more of your story.

You're correct that all of it contributes to one big ugly ball of depression.

One word of encouragement -- if you decide to try anti-depressants again, Lexapro has been excellent for me, and in the many years that I've been taking Lexapro it has given me many days / weeks / months of peace of mind.  I'm having a tough emotional time right now, but I'm positive that I'd be much worse without the the Lexapro.  During the start-up of 4 to 8 weeks sometimes it does make a person feel worse, then it kicks in and one feels the benefits.

Thank you for the recommendation. I may have no choice, as this is becoming completely unlivable. 4 to 8 weeks is a long time to last this out, especially if it get worse... not sure I can hang on as is. But I appreciate the suggestion, and if I go with anything, that would be the med of choice.

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It's been another long night of reflection.  This was the seventy-first consecutive Friday I've spent at home, by myself, alone. Tomorrow will be the fifty-seventh consecutive Saturday that I was home alone.  I just counted, because, quite frankly, I had nothing else to do.

I don't know what changed in me in the last 17 months, but something definitely did, and somehow I ended up here on the bottom with no sight of light. Or maybe I've been like this for years and just used everything as a distraction. I don't know the answers, and that's the worst part.

 

 

 

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7 hours ago, RiverLight said:

I feel elated right now too because the HR Director chit chatted with me afterwards and told me that they love me there, meaning the higher ups in the organization, including the CEO. She said she's really happy I am there and gave me a big hug. It felt soooo nice, especially after being abused by multiple bosses for years and years! I've never been so appreciated OR loved at work. It feels really really nice for once. Wow, I don't know what I did to deserve this, but I'lll take it for sure. 

Unless you work for a nonprofit, the niceness you are getting should be work performance related. Especially if CEO gave you a big hug..you must have did an impactful difference. Maybe consider writing a guide for DF members on how even mental illness sufferers can make the best of surviving in a workplace?

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6 hours ago, iWantRope said:

Unless you work for a nonprofit, the niceness you are getting should be work performance related. Especially if CEO gave you a big hug..you must have did an impactful difference. Maybe consider writing a guide for DF members on how even mental illness sufferers can make the best of surviving in a workplace?

Thank you for your reply! The CEO hugged several people goodbye, so he's like that. But he did make a point of talking to me at the party along with the HR Director. The CEO has told me that they really appreciate the approach I bring to the table. 

I don't know about writing any sort of guide -- I am not sure how much I could help. The only way I've survived is through hard work, dedication to my career path, sticking things out and taking my anti-anxiety meds as needed.That's about it! 

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On 9/14/2018 at 9:21 AM, JD4010 said:

@Tilted Good to "see" you in this thread. Sorry you continue to feel bad/worse. It is appalling just how pervasive mental and emotional issues are. The way our society is structured is very unhealthy, obviously. Right now I'm watching people making the mad rush to work, jockeying for positions at the next traffic signal. Many of these people hate what they do but they are furiously trying to get to their cubicle of hell "on time". It is very sick indeed.

@samadhiSheol I feel for you man. I'm in a similar situation...I hate my job but I'm stuck here. I'm closing in on 60 and chronic health issues plague me as well. I'm completely spent. HOWEVER, just from your writing style I can tell that you are anything but stupid. I'd say you are analytical in addition to being a good writer.

Thanks JD. Sick, sick, sick. 

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It's been awhile since I logged in. I must admit when everything gets to me and I feels like there's no place to run, so to speak. I come home to DF. 

My mind has been racing a gazillion times a minute. Often I find myself standing still staring at nothing or staring out the window but not looking at anything specific. I live alone with my dogs. I thought living alone would help me cope with my depression. NOT..... I'm feeling sick wanting to find help but nothing is there. Actually there is plenty of places for help but to find the right therapy and therapist is daunting.  Especially when one lives out in the country. 

Edited by shio

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1 hour ago, shio said:

It's been awhile since I logged in. I must admit when everything gets to me and I feels like there's no place to run, so to speak. I come home to DF. 

My mind has been racing a gazillion times a minute. Often I find myself standing still staring at nothing or staring out the window but not looking at anything specific. I live alone with my dogs. I thought living alone would help me cope with my depression. NOT..... I'm feeling sick wanting to find help but nothing is there. Actually there is plenty of places for help but to find the right therapy and therapist is daunting.  Especially when one lives out in the country. 

Long time no see, shio!!!!   :hugs:  I hear you about finding a therapist. I'm in the same boat.  It is daunting, because it's so personal. 

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2 hours ago, shio said:

It's been awhile since I logged in. I must admit when everything gets to me and I feels like there's no place to run, so to speak. I come home to DF. 

My mind has been racing a gazillion times a minute. Often I find myself standing still staring at nothing or staring out the window but not looking at anything specific. I live alone with my dogs. I thought living alone would help me cope with my depression. NOT..... I'm feeling sick wanting to find help but nothing is there. Actually there is plenty of places for help but to find the right therapy and therapist is daunting.  Especially when one lives out in the country. 

Hey, "welcome back". I'm sorry you felt the need to pop in but I'm happy to see you anyway.

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On 14 de setembro de 2018 at 4:29 AM, JustAnotherSufferer said:

My anxiety has been very severe lately. I woke up in the middle of the night today and had a panic attack. I’m still anxious. 

I’m starting to stress eat as well. I eat lunch in 10 minutes. 

I hope you're feeling better there.

It's awful what anxiety can do to us. I barely slept that night.

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why is it that I can never cry for itself - it takes music to make me let it out. probably too much time spent learning how to not cry or how to cry without making a sound - so no-one would hear. Music reminds me that I'm human or of an indescribable pain or ache. It reminds me tonight of how lonely it is not to have someone, I just want someone to give me a hug. I'm also in pain to think of my younger self in more pain than I am in now and the fact that she had no-one and that I can't help her. Crying reminds me of how I am so used to living sedated and placated and telling myself that its fine, really denying any strong feeling, because the minute I start feeling that, I will be lost. Thinking is a dangerous path cos it always leads to problem no. 1 that I don't really want to be here and that I can't really conceive of a future.

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Stupid. I feel stupid. But that’s a cognitive disorder. Knowing that doesn’t really help. I feel irritated. At what? At life? At nothing actually. Nothing serious. So why do I feel irritated? Cos I dunno why I’m doing what I’m doing. Yet here I am having to live this life. For what purpose? To earn a living. Cos Time is suppose to be precious so I should make the most of it. Yet here I am wasting my precious time away. Forcing my way to get up to live. Forcing myself to love myself and to be positive. How do I feel right now? Forced and pushed to the edge, yet trying so hard to hold on.

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20 hours ago, 20YearsandCounting said:

Long time no see, shio!!!!   :hugs:  I hear you about finding a therapist. I'm in the same boat.  It is daunting, because it's so personal. 

Thank you 20 so good to see you!!! OH I can't find the hug emoji when i click on the smile icon. It's not the DF emojis. None the less consider yourself hugged! 

I've gone through two therapists within the 3 months. The first one was overly friendly who told me of her personal life and introduced me to her daughter who's bipolar. The next thing I know she was asking another client to pray for me bc of a bad dream i had. I confronted her asking why she was telling my story to one of her clients. She said she didn't mention my name. Yes but keep in mind we are a small community and we all see who comes and goes regardless of your staggering appointment times. So i told her I don't trust her anymore. Laterwards I realised she would talk to be about her other client. 

The last one was trying to be empathic but condescending at the same time

I'm thinking of alternative therapy instead of CBT

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I'm super annoyed because some girl infiltrated our cozy group last night, hit on and flirted with every taken man in the group, including my fiancee. Some nerve she had. I don't know her, but she was a nuisance to say the least. I could tell my girlfriend was getting peeved too because she was hitting on her fiancee too. She looked angry. 

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