How Do You Feel Right Now #8

[Lynn1954]

1 minute ago, BeyondWeary said:

Thank you, Lynn!! The thing that works best right now is imagining I have an invisible shield all around me so that when she says or does something toxic, it bounces off my safe space and flies out the window. Takes work yet it helps.

Wow, that's perfect coping mechanism, very visual. 

Even though it takes you some work to keep it effective, I'll bet that visualization saves you many times during the day.

[Lynn1954]

2 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I have the opposite of OCD when it comes to cleaning. Making myseJlf do it is an almost impossible task. I come home from work disgusted and exhausted so the last thing I want to do is clean. I don't mind clutter so it's not a big deal--until someone threatens to come over! Then I go into panic mode. Hahaha.

I want to to take an entire week off and do nothing but clean. If I don't have to worry about work, I'll be able to pull it off. I think.

Ha Ha nothing wrong with a little panic mode cleaning, it's usually a lot faster than regular cleaning so you get it done in half the time !!

[Nightjar]

1 hour ago, Epictetus said:

Woke up to an panic attack with a couple of hours of residual consuming anxiety.  Things seem to be settling down now, thank goodness!  I've got severe anemia and diet and supplements are not  . . .sooooooo . . . more tests.  Otherwise everything is hunky dory.  Hugs to everyone here!

I'm sorry to hear you woke up to a panic attack today Epictetus.

That's an awful way to wake up. Mine happen mostly at night but either way, they're awful and I'm sorry you have to go through this.

((((Epictetus ))))

[BeyondWeary]

22 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I have the opposite of OCD when it comes to cleaning. Making myseJlf do it is an almost impossible task. I come home from work disgusted and exhausted so the last thing I want to do is clean. I don't mind clutter so it's not a big deal--until someone threatens to come over! Then I go into panic mode. Hahaha.

I want to to take an entire week off and do nothing but clean. If I don't have to worry about work, I'll be able to pull it off. I think.

That is so true for me too, JD. I went from being obsessive on cleaning to not having any energy to do it anymore. The thing about cleaning is that it doesn't last too long and you need to do it again. So I do as little as I can live with and work at not feeling guilty about it.

Thanks for sharing your experience on this. I'm not alone!

[bellerose]

second time in two weeks i've missed volunteering for derealization episodes. They take mental health very seriously at the VA so that's nice. I've tried to express my appreciation and i think they received it.

today my best friend is coming over to keep me company for a few hours. it'll be nice to see her since our schedules don't align as much as they used to. she's been having some bad days so now we can wallow together. at least when a friend is around you remember your not alone in depression/bad days. everyone experiences bad days, some more than others. but we're all in it together.

[anon22ae]

8 hours ago, Lynn1954 said:

Hello, anon22ae:

I'm so sorry that your depression came back.  I hope you find some comfort by posting here.  Especially on this specific thread, the people are so caring and compassionate.

I'm so grateful to have this DF forum, but I have a fantasy wish that all of us could solve our problems 100% and not need to be here!!

Do you want to tell us more about your depression returning?  Is it situational, or did your meds stop working, or no known reason?

Thanks -- it helps to talk to people in the same boat. Tough to convey a sense of the pain to those never experiencing this sort of depression.

In my case, a relatively small thing started this, I believe -- a case of wrist drop, which made it nearly impossible to type, brush teeth, use utensils, shave, etc. It's a nerve injury that should heal in time, but it did its damage in a far worse way.

My broader story isn't even all that interesting -- middle-aged SWM, career-focused, never married and distant from family, all of which the depression seems to use as fuel to make it unlivable right now. I realize it's the depression talking, but the pain is close to unbearable all the same.

In the past, I've had bad luck with meds, mainly standard ones like Zoloft and Prozac. These seemed to make it worse . My doctor suggested trying something else, like Lexapro, but for now I'm not willing to roll the dice. But we'll see if this gets worse.

I'm also very grateful for DF, and wish there was something I could do to help us all. This is no way to live.

[salparadise6132]

4 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Hahaha. Yes, I now live with two "surrendered" cats from the humane society. They were 8 years old and a bonded pair, so they needed to be adopted together. Almost everyone wants to adopt the cute little kittens. These two were probably going to be euthanized before long so I took them home with me. They give me far more than I give them, for sure.  I can't imagine being without them.

Sorry about that surgery--and the new meds.

Happy that we can be here for you!

you did a great thing for your feline souls, my friend!!!!  Glad you have them, and they have you!!!

[TheSandman]

5 hours ago, Lynn1954 said:

Hello, Sandman --

Please don't let these seemingly "don't make sense" things get your mind rolling or get your anxiety started.

As you said, most times these are just weird coincidences.  They seem meaningful, but they're not.

If your mind does start to mess with you, and you start to over-think about stuff like this, here is a simple explanation that helps me all the time:

science might sooner or later discover that there are genuine scientific physical reasons that lead two people or two situations to be linked to each other, even with long distances between them.

I always think of examples that 500 years ago would've seemed mystical or magical, but they're actually just pure science: radio broadcast signals, television broadcast signals, satellite signals, microwaves used in microwave ovens, etc.

For your recent experiences, I think simple coincidence is the best explanation for you!

Have a peaceful mind, I'm glad your anxiety is low right now.

Thank you for the response and the reassuring words.

It's hard to keep thinking that way sometimes, though. After coincidence number ninety-nine, it all seems like a much bigger thing. But yeah, I'm going to try to keep ignoring them and staying level. That's all I really can do.

[Kogent5]

14 hours ago, Lynn1954 said:

Hello, Kogent5,

I could've written those words about myself!!

I feel that I made so many mistakes that caused many or my troubles.

Depression and sadness are especially difficult when you believe that you caused them yourself.

My situations where I can honestly feel "That wasn't my fault" are so much easier to handle than the sharp knowledge of "That was all my fault."

Although I haven't started yet, I'm about to begin reading some books with the themes of "forgive yourself" and "starting over despite previous mistakes."

Long answer just to let you know that what you wrote resonated with me. 

Yep, knowing how most of it is my fault alone is a hard pill to swallow. Even if I had the chance at a do-over, I'd probably be just as stupid...

What are you reading?

11 hours ago, MtnDreams said:

@Kogent5 said above “I want a do-over”. So, so true for me.  I’ve run the course that this life can run and it’s just not worth continuing on. Can’t I just clean the slate and try again?

i have a vending machine at work that I get snacks out of. Whenever I do I play what I call “the quarters game.”  My snack costs 4 quarters but I always bring 5 with me because I have to choose which 1 of the 5 quarters I don’t put into the machine.  I choose based on the years on the quarters and specifically which year I would choose to go back to if I could.  It usually comes down to 2 different years where going back to either has its pros and cons.

Man, if I could have a do-over I would do so in a split second.

I feel like me wanting a do-over is part of my personality of running away from my problems, but I'm just so sick of being pessimistic and negative. I wanna have hopes and dreams again and feel like I have a chance at happiness.

What years do you choose?

If I could go back...2013 or 2002.

[Lynn1954]

13 hours ago, anon22ae said:

Thanks -- it helps to talk to people in the same boat. Tough to convey a sense of the pain to those never experiencing this sort of depression.

In my case, a relatively small thing started this, I believe -- a case of wrist drop, which made it nearly impossible to type, brush teeth, use utensils, shave, etc. It's a nerve injury that should heal in time, but it did its damage in a far worse way.

My broader story isn't even all that interesting -- middle-aged SWM, career-focused, never married and distant from family, all of which the depression seems to use as fuel to make it unlivable right now. I realize it's the depression talking, but the pain is close to unbearable all the same.

In the past, I've had bad luck with meds, mainly standard ones like Zoloft and Prozac. These seemed to make it worse . My doctor suggested trying something else, like Lexapro, but for now I'm not willing to roll the dice. But we'll see if this gets worse.

I'm also very grateful for DF, and wish there was something I could do to help us all. This is no way to live.

Thank you for sharing more of your story.

You're correct that all of it contributes to one big ugly ball of depression.

One word of encouragement -- if you decide to try anti-depressants again, Lexapro has been excellent for me, and in the many years that I've been taking Lexapro it has given me many days / weeks / months of peace of mind.  I'm having a tough emotional time right now, but I'm positive that I'd be much worse without the the Lexapro.  During the start-up of 4 to 8 weeks sometimes it does make a person feel worse, then it kicks in and one feels the benefits.

[Lynn1954]

@Kogent5 

THANK YOU SO MUCH for making me laugh at myself, I'm actually laughing out loud right now !!

In my previous message, I'd written Although I haven't started yet, I'm about to begin reading some books with the themes of "forgive yourself" and "starting over despite previous mistakes." and then you logically asked me "What are you reading?"

Well, I'm laughing because my statement was my depressed self thinking vaguely that I "should" search the Internet or buy a book at Amazon about those topics because that would be a good way to help myself and possibly feel better.

But, of course, like many depressed people, I don't always do what I think about, it's just wishful thinking !! I haven't actually searched for or purchased any such reading material !! And no gumption yet to do so !!

 

[Lynn1954]

15 hours ago, bellerose said:

second time in two weeks i've missed volunteering for derealization episodes. They take mental health very seriously at the VA so that's nice. I've tried to express my appreciation and i think they received it.

today my best friend is coming over to keep me company for a few hours. it'll be nice to see her since our schedules don't align as much as they used to. she's been having some bad days so now we can wallow together. at least when a friend is around you remember your not alone in depression/bad days. everyone experiences bad days, some more than others. but we're all in it together.

I'm so glad that your friend will be visiting today.  It's great to talk to somebody who understands and cares.

[JD4010]

9 hours ago, Kogent5 said:

What years do you choose?

If I could go back...2013 or 2002.

1977 here. That's when I graduated high school and went off to college. I "discovered" booze late that year. If I could do it over, I'd never start drinking. I'd also make a bunch of different choices over the next 4 or 5 years.

I actually had a dream of a "parallel" me who had followed a different path. I really liked that version of me. Much more together and productive.

Edited September 13, 2018 by JD4010

[sarahbeth24]

Like my whole world is falling apart and I feel trapped 

[Lynn1954]

Wow, having a hard time keeping down my sadness and anxiety.

I've been crying a little bit.

I'm trying to think positive thoughts about myself.

I'm the total opposite of a narcissistic personality, but I'm trying to adopt just one characteristic of the way they think: I just want to like myself and accept myself.  I want to stop criticizing myself and putting myself down.

As I'm writing this, I'm thinking that I might be able to train my mind to accept myself.

[JustAnotherSufferer]

I’m feeling like trash to be honest. I’m so tired right now. I’m just laying in bed. 

[Lynn1954]

1 minute ago, JustAnotherSufferer said:

I’m feeling like trash to be honest. I’m so tired right now. I’m just laying in bed. 

Hello, JAS,

I'm sorry you feel bad today.  I hope you feel better later !!

[Rattler6]

Bored.

[JustAnotherSufferer]

@Lynn1954

I’ll go out and get some ice cream. I’ll hopefully feel better soon.

[BeyondWeary]

21 minutes ago, Lynn1954 said:

Wow, having a hard time keeping down my sadness and anxiety.

I've been crying a little bit.

I'm trying to think positive thoughts about myself.

I'm the total opposite of a narcissistic personality, but I'm trying to adopt just one characteristic of the way they think: I just want to like myself and accept myself.  I want to stop criticizing myself and putting myself down.

As I'm writing this, I'm thinking that I might be able to train my mind to accept myself.

Sorry that you are having a hard day. Yet good insight on accepting yourself. You are beautiful and valuable!

[BeyondWeary]

6 minutes ago, Rattler6 said:

Bored.

Bummer! Maybe getting some ice cream would make you feel better too?

[BeyondWeary]

Feeling weary, so tired, want to go back to bed yet glad for this Forum.

[BeyondWeary]

1 hour ago, sarahbeth24 said:

Like my whole world is falling apart and I feel trapped

Wish I could make things better☹️

Edited September 13, 2018 by BeyondWeary

[Natasha1]

Afraid to say how i feel...sometimes its good sometimes its bad. I got accused once by someone that i was bragging about things going well when all i did was say something about what was going on im my life. It happened to be something that yes i was looking forward to.

Then im unable to defend myself because they blocked me on the platform we were using while making it look like talking at all was in my court. I stood by this person, went out of my way for them and they pushed me away and then abandoned me. 

How do i feel? Im not allowed to feel. Good or bad its not allowed. The expectation of me in this case was to agree that the world turned on them when it isnt at all true. Ive kept this in for a long time now and its hitting me hard all of a sudden.

Maybe i should bring this up in therapy today.

 

 

[sober4life]

I'm feeling pretty good these days. I'm taking major steps in fixing my life.  The old me could have never done the things I have done recently.  I can finally see the way out of this nightmare.