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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #8

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having mixed feelings about friendship in general. where do i draw the line and state my boundaries with people? it gets to a point. some people get that, or at least say they do. well they all say they do, it's just some really do follow through while others don't. so far, i've got two friends who just don't.

I just feel like i was so chill in college about whoever came into my home. nowadays, it's different. i kinda give a . i want to know my evening will be comfortable bc i'm surrounded by people who i know make me happy. So why does it feel weird and standoffish to only limit my home to people I know and on occasion their friends when i feel like it?

I hoping this is just a transition point in our lives where actual adult boundaries begin to matter. i wish i could go into details, but it's just too much to put down. We're all young adults with a lot of youth, but I'm starting to want to put up with less and less that i don't want to do. Especially when i can have a say.

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Wondering what happens in life when there's nothing to look forward to?  Nothing positive, cause I can darn sure bet something negative will happen..  I feel kinda dreary?  Empty.  Wow on the road to numb..  I use to be optimistic and a dreamer.  Really hopeful, I shoulda stayed away from my family.  They k*l-l dreams.

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i am literally the worst. after sending a confrontational text at its core, i found out i was wrong. i misinterpreted a text message sent to me earlier. that was it. that was the thing that sent my night into a spiral, caused me to confront my best friend about something that apparently didn't happen, and put my in tears on my day to get done. *** is wrong with me.

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3 hours ago, shio said:

Hi JD thank you and great to see you! How've you been?

 

I've been absolutely wonderful of course! 😁 Life is grand and all that.

It could always be worse, eh?

I can't wait for actual fall weather. We've been stuck in the tropics here...very humid and highs near 90F. Hot even for July. Bleh.

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Disappointed in myself for continually doing things that I know will hurt me. I am anonymously following Bryan's ex out of purely self-destructive curiosity. We both have her blocked, but I can't stop myself from looking from 'in cognito' for some reason. Most recently, a post (after she learned we were back together) stating "you don't love her," wreaked havoc on my mind. I know he loves me, I trust it and feel it in my bones. But after everything, those words stab me in the heart. I only have myself to blame.

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Just now, evalynn said:

Getting on the scale today depressed the hell out of me and kept me from overeating. Now I feel like I should try to work out, but I'm lazy and watching TV. If I'm still up to it in an hour, maybe I will try.

Don’t pressure yourself too much, take one step at a time.

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I'm doing ok.  I'm feeling very strong lately maybe better than ever.  Mom is coming home for sure in 2 weeks and I'm going to be a full time caretaker until Spring.  Who knows how we are going to get through this but I'm not going to let her stay at a nursing home where she is treated like a throwaway.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

I'm doing ok.  I'm feeling very strong lately maybe better than ever.  Mom is coming home for sure in 2 weeks and I'm going to be a full time caretaker until Spring.  Who knows how we are going to get through this but I'm not going to let her stay at a nursing home where she is treated like a throwaway.

I'm so sorry that you're mom is not getting good treatment at the nursing home.

I recently helped my aunt to become a full-time permanent resident at a skilled nursing facility, so I'm very interested in this topic.  My aunt had very little money, but she's now in a nice, clean nursing home that treats her well.

I want to share her story with you in case any of it applies to your situation and your mom.  This is the state of Pennsylvania, but it works similar in most states.

If a woman is "Nursing Facility Clinically Eligible" (NFCE) and she has little or no money, you can apply for Medicaid to pay the costs of the skilled nursing facility.

For example, by the age of 86 my aunt had been diagnosed with Dementia, and her total amount of money in the whole world was only $40,000.  She entered the nursing facility, and used her $40,000 to "private pay" the first few months, which cost about $9,000 per month.  The nursing facility business office helped our family to submit the application for Medicaid.  That application is currently "pending" but we just got word from the state that it's about to be approved.

My aunt was a very hard-working woman who was still working as a cashier in a grocery store at age 78 !!  She is from a "working poor" family who did everything right and worked hard her whole life and spent her money wisely as best she could, never wasted it, but ultimately didn't have property or a lot of money in the bank.

She is the type of person who is well deserving of Medicaid assistance for someone who is elderly and sick.  Perhaps your mom is in a similar situation, but you haven't yet learned how to apply?  

What is your mother's physical or mental diagnosis?  If she is not able to take care of herself, then she is probably "Nursing Facility Clinically Eligible".  You're not happy with her current nursing home, but does she have access to a different nursing home (either private or state-run) that is licensed by the state to accept Medicaid patients?

In Pennsylvania, many of the skilled nursing facilities licensed by the state to accept Medicaid patients are fabulous: competent and compassionate medical staff and helpers, clean and beautiful facilities.  They are not the "horror stories" that sometimes we hear on the news media.

My family started this process knowing NOTHING about how the skilled nursing facility system and government Medicaid system works.  Perhaps I can help you to ask the right questions for your mom's situation in your state.

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10 hours ago, evalynn said:

Getting on the scale today depressed the hell out of me and kept me from overeating. Now I feel like I should try to work out, but I'm lazy and watching TV. If I'm still up to it in an hour, maybe I will try.

Please try to not get depressed about your weight.  I've been in that situation.

Although exercise can improve health, exercise is majorly over-rated as a way to lose weight.  Choosing different foods and eating less are much more effective.

Search the Internet for information about a ketogenic way of eating.  Although you need to reduce carbs, there are lots of delicious foods that you're permitted to eat, which makes the keto diet a little bit easier to stick to, and a little bit more effective than old-fashioned low-fat diets.

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12 hours ago, velvetpuddles said:

Disappointed in myself for continually doing things that I know will hurt me. I am anonymously following Bryan's ex out of purely self-destructive curiosity. We both have her blocked, but I can't stop myself from looking from 'in cognito' for some reason. Most recently, a post (after she learned we were back together) stating "you don't love her," wreaked havoc on my mind. I know he loves me, I trust it and feel it in my bones. But after everything, those words stab me in the heart. I only have myself to blame.

Many of us do things that cause pain for ourselves.  

I've done things like this myself many times.

Looking at info about Bryan's ex is a type of obsessive-compulsive behavior but you CAN stop.

Promise yourself today to extinguish her from your mind.  She is old news.  Nothing that she says or does has any relevance to your life, and she doesn't deserve to occupy a single minute of your thoughts.  She is nobody to you, so start today to extinguish her from your thoughts and actions, and treat her like nobody.

You CAN do this !!  Occupy your mind with thoughts of all the wonderful people in your life who are SOMEBODY important to you, and wipe your thoughts clean of people who are NOBODY to you!

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4 minutes ago, Lynn1954 said:

I'm so sorry that you're mom is not getting good treatment at the nursing home.

I recently helped my aunt to become a full-time permanent resident at a skilled nursing facility, so I'm very interested in this topic.  My aunt had very little money, but she's now in a nice, clean nursing home that treats her well.

I want to share her story with you in case any of it applies to your situation and your mom.  This is the state of Pennsylvania, but it works similar in most states.

If a woman is "Nursing Facility Clinically Eligible" (NFCE) and she has little or no money, you can apply for Medicaid to pay the costs of the skilled nursing facility.

For example, by the age of 86 my aunt had been diagnosed with Dementia, and her total amount of money in the whole world was only $40,000.  She entered the nursing facility, and used her $40,000 to "private pay" the first few months, which cost about $9,000 per month.  The nursing facility business office helped our family to submit the application for Medicaid.  That application is currently "pending" but we just got word from the state that it's about to be approved.

My aunt was a very hard-working woman who was still working as a cashier in a grocery store at age 78 !!  She is from a "working poor" family who did everything right and worked hard her whole life and spent her money wisely as best she could, never wasted it, but ultimately didn't have property or a lot of money in the bank.

She is the type of person who is well deserving of Medicaid assistance for someone who is elderly and sick.  Perhaps your mom is in a similar situation, but you haven't yet learned how to apply?  

What is your mother's physical or mental diagnosis?  If she is not able to take care of herself, then she is probably "Nursing Facility Clinically Eligible".  You're not happy with her current nursing home, but does she have access to a different nursing home (either private or state-run) that is licensed by the state to accept Medicaid patients?

In Pennsylvania, many of the skilled nursing facilities licensed by the state to accept Medicaid patients are fabulous: competent and compassionate medical staff and helpers, clean and beautiful facilities.  They are not the "horror stories" that sometimes we hear on the news media.

My family started this process knowing NOTHING about how the skilled nursing facility system and government Medicaid system works.  Perhaps I can help you to ask the right questions for your mom's situation in your state.

She isn't eligible for Medicaid.  It's my choice to bring her home.  Nursing homes are different when family is around compared to when the patient is alone.  I gave up on believing there are good nursing homes a long time ago.

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5 minutes ago, sober4life said:

She isn't eligible for Medicaid.  It's my choice to bring her home.  Nursing homes are different when family is around compared to when the patient is alone.  I gave up on believing there are good nursing homes a long time ago.

I understand, thanks for explaining.

While your mom is living with you, will you be able to have access to "Home and Community Based Services" that send nursing help, cleaning help, shopping help, etc. ?  Every county has a local "Area Agency on Aging" and many of those services are available to all homebound seniors, whether financially challenged or financially well-off.

The extra assistance can really help with the stress for both you and your mom.

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I feel overwhelmed at work. As usual. Back when I applied for this position (9 years ago) it was far less demanding. Since then, we have taken on so many additional new projects. My boss has also become much more of a hard-@ss.

I shouldn't complain but I'm dealing with severe burn out.

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1 minute ago, JD4010 said:

I feel overwhelmed at work. As usual. Back when I applied for this position (9 years ago) it was far less demanding. Since then, we have taken on so many additional new projects. My boss has also become much more of a hard-@ss.

I shouldn't complain but I'm dealing with severe burn out.

I hear you, JD, and I understand.

The nature and requirements of a job change and get a bunch or new responsibilities added.  Bosses either change their attitude, or a new boss with a different attitude comes in and adds stress.

A couple of times I was in jobs where the amount of work being asked from me was just not reasonable, not even achievable.  Like you, I had always been a hard worker and so I had a basic reputation of "she is not a complainer, she is not a slacker."

I used that to be honest with my boss to say "The amount of work on my project to-do list is too much for ANY person, it's not just me who can' do it all, there's nobody who could accomplish all this even with all the overtime in the world.  Please direct me on your priorities of what you want me to to do 1st, 2nd, 3rd because I'm not going to be able to do it all".

Would something like that solve the problem in your situation, or does it set you up for being fired because you're "an old man who can't handle it any more."

Second alternative is to not mention it at all, and just do what you can do and leave the remainder un-finished.

Too many jobs are dumping a load of work on employees that is simply an unreasonable load.  It makde conscientious employees feel like s h i t because they can't complete, when in reality it's a good or great employee who is being squandered and beaten.

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On the talk of employers and stuff where myself and my Dad work is doing layoffs of about 230 people. I'm not worried about it because it only applies to managers and upper people like that. On a good note Saturday I took off work (the 15th) and went to Knoxville to finally ride a Triumph Thruxton R. I have been looking at them for well over a year and I have finally found the motorcycle I've been looking for. Since my left hand is messed up the clutch is going to instantly decide on if I can even ride the thing in the first place. To my surprise the clutch on this Thruxton was actually even easier to pull than the one on my Ninja. The dealership let me out on my own which was nice. I was able to ride it on main roads and the high way for a bit. I also took it to a parking lot and did some slow speed things just to make sure I could make emergency turns if I ever needed to. What else surprised me was the size of the Thruxton overall. It's not that much bigger than my Ninja but the engine certainly is. The Thruxton is literally the most powerful motorcycle I've ridden which actually made it the easiest to ride because I didn't have to rev it up really high to get anywhere. Still will be waiting until Spring to get one but it'll certainly be worth the wait 🙂

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Unable to get started on my week...and some physical manifestations of anxiety.  (Have stuck with my new Prozac script for four days and I know from experience it takes a while)

Let myself shut down over the weekend, but always had my To Do list in the back of my mind concerning Mom.  It's such a relief when I don't have to deal with solving her problems (let alone mine).  Funny thing  is, the only appointment I have this week is my T on Thursday.  A huge relief I have no doc's appointments for Mom with which I'll have to deal...first time in a month.

I suppose I'll come out of it.  But even tackling one task with a simple phone call feels like more than I can handle right now.  I'll probably just head back to bed for the afternoon.  This sucks.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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13 hours ago, evalynn said:

Getting on the scale today depressed the hell out of me and kept me from overeating. Now I feel like I should try to work out, but I'm lazy and watching TV. If I'm still up to it in an hour, maybe I will try.

Stay off that damned scale, they mess with your head. When I started exercising again I used my clothes as a measure of progress. 

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