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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #8

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https://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/154735-how-do-you-feel-right-now-7/?tab=comments#comment-1475507

 

On 8/22/2018 at 7:50 PM, LouisRiel said:

I want highs, excessive caffeine, alcohol, and all nighters 

On 8/22/2018 at 7:02 PM, RiverLight said:

I am happy I am doing well at work. I still worry about my performance, but I am proving myself every day & that makes me happy! Plus my amazing boyfriend makes me very happy.. I've never felt so cherished and so safe. I WILL marry him! It will probably be within the next month that he asks me! YAY!

On 8/22/2018 at 4:37 PM, anxiousE said:

I think this says it well for me too. I just confirmed unspecified bipolar, generalized anxiety, and dependant personality disorders. I suppose I'm not giving anything up at this moment, but therapy is supposed to have me make changes and I just don't know what that will have me do. Part of me still denies anything is wrong with me, well, besides depression sometimes and anxiety, but my relationships need fixing too I guess and my performance of tasks. 

On 8/22/2018 at 3:06 PM, BeyondWeary said:

Sorry it's so hard for you now. I pray things will improve, even a little can help. I've been there too.

Love your hearts and Self-Care at the bottom. So good to remember.

On 8/22/2018 at 3:02 PM, BeyondWeary said:

I'm finally in a pretty good place. The new med is working! But I have been here before and it didn't last long.

Yet working on enjoying the relief form the emotional pain that I have today. Just one day at a time!

 

Edited by 20YearsandCounting
corrected editing of wrong post

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@LouisRiel I've pretty much given those things up already. What more is there?! Actually I could probably do well with more caffeine even. That's why I feel in denial. Could use the highs too, but I'm just in a depressed mood. I mean, I need a balance I guess.

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Walking home tonight through my neighborhood, I see the same black dog that ran at me in the winter. I get scared. He starts barking and running towards me. I back up into the middle of the road, with my bag in front of me to keep from getting bit. His owner calls him from the back of the house. I start yelling at her why her dog isn't leashed. She says he's just playing and doesn't bite and tells me to "shut the f--- up". I am having very...negative thoughts about this woman. There was also a man there, but he sounded like a wimp and barely said anything.

I want to call Animal Control but judging from that woman's reaction, she will retaliate against me (and my family) if I do so (we live around the corner from them). My family would also probably be p***** more at me than that woman if I called animal control. I really need to move out.

I am disturbed and shaken. I feel like I should carry a weapon with me now (honestly, small Asian woman walking at night, I'm easy pickings).

Feeling like I really want horrible things to happen to that woman.

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Feel like I want to purge EVERYTHING I own. Bit extreme, I know.  An extreme reaction to feeling trapped I guess. Why should it be so hard if we want to move somewhere else? Why do we have so much stuff? 

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Last night was really really really bad.  I was seriously considering shuffling off this mortal coil.  I took something ... not something good for me ... but the result stopped me from "going away".  This morning I'm hazy and slightly better.  Still feeling soul crippling anxiety.  My kids are the source of a paradox of feelings.  They are the reason I keep going, but the source of my anxiety is that I can't bear to fail them.

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Anxious. I'm always nervous when I have a pdoc appointment even though she's nice. I didn't try to find a therapist like she wanted me to and I don't feel any different with the new meds and I hate telling her that.

Edited by evalynn

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All hell is breaking loose. We had 8" to 14" of rain in the area and now the lakes and streams are all flooding. The park I live near is under water and many of the streets are being closed off now too. I'm looking out my window and watching water come up and out of the storm sewers in the street curbs.

Work is crazy because we need to rearrange everything to get around all of the closed streets. It's going to turn into massive gridlock because we only have 3 options; two of which are already closed.

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1 hour ago, evalynn said:

Anxious. I'm always nervous when I have a pdoc appointment even though she's nice. I didn't try to find a therapist like she wanted me to and I don't feel any different with the new meds and I hate telling her that.

Edited 1 hour ago by evalynn

Hi evalynn! Sorry that you are dealing with this. I know how you feel. Hang in there.

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

All hell is breaking loose. We had 8" to 14" of rain in the area and now the lakes and streams are all flooding. The park I live near is under water and many of the streets are being closed off now too. I'm looking out my window and watching water come up and out of the storm sewers in the street curbs.

Work is crazy because we need to rearrange everything to get around all of the closed streets. It's going to turn into massive gridlock because we only have 3 options; two of which are already closed.

Oh, no, JD, that is terrible and most likely not what you need right now. Sorry that you have to go through this.☹️

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10 hours ago, jeremiah said:

Feel like I want to purge EVERYTHING I own. Bit extreme, I know.  An extreme reaction to feeling trapped I guess. Why should it be so hard if we want to move somewhere else? Why do we have so much stuff? 

Oh my God!  I know the feeling.  I've been "temporarily" living with my parents FAR TOO LONG, and most of my stuff is in boxes in the basement.  I want to get rid of it, but when I think of all the sheet music, old-time family photos (pre 20th century), books--most of which I've read, but would like to have for a personal library--the dishes I dream of entertaining friends upon; my acting programs and photos from shows in which I performed; framed posters which I recently looked at to see if I still liked, AND I DO--I can't seem to part with it because in the back of my mind, I hope, I dream, of having a home of my own again.  This will require another surgery, two rounds of physical therapy AND A LOT OF MONEY.  So what do I do?  The ONE thing I did a couple of years ago was throw out all my old journals.  I was such a GIRL when I wrote them, and I wrote about the same old s h i t for YEARS.  It's a start.  I like to think so, anyway. 

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Every day is the same really.  I wake up hopeful wanting to make a great life outside these walls but by the end of the day I'm very paranoid and depressed.  I look out the windows and see people in the yard staring at the house staring right at me and I'm convinced everyone is against me even the people here.  I go to bed feeling like everyone is against me and I feel hated by everyone.  There is no real evidence for any of this.  I'm just crazy.

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4 hours ago, JD4010 said:

All hell is breaking loose. We had 8" to 14" of rain in the area and now the lakes and streams are all flooding. The park I live near is under water and many of the streets are being closed off now too. I'm looking out my window and watching water come up and out of the storm sewers in the street curbs.

Work is crazy because we need to rearrange everything to get around all of the closed streets. It's going to turn into massive gridlock because we only have 3 options; two of which are already closed.

Your boss seems so awful that if that last road became flooded I could imagine him expecting you to make it to work with a boat.😥Life always seems to get worse.  It's like something out there is constantly trying to break us.  That didn't work let's make things worse!  I'm so sick of life!

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Anxious and sad. Some of my guests are going back home tomorrow and will leave quite a void. I also am expected to pick up the slack for chores but I hurt my hip awhile back. It's getting better,  but nevertheless, I'm anxious because it's not 100percent. Oh, folks are understanding, but I still feel bad and sometimes feel I'm going to push it because of that guilt or just a need to do something. Oh but on top of all this, my husband isn't seeming to be taking my diagnosis and/or my past mistakes well. I'm trying to be open with him, because I need him (dependant personality too A factor, but financially as well) but he's not really talking to me right now and that makes me feel the worst! I really hope this blows over and soon. 

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13 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

Oh my God!  I know the feeling.  I've been "temporarily" living with my parents FAR TOO LONG, and most of my stuff is in boxes in the basement.  I want to get rid of it, but when I think of all the sheet music, old-time family photos (pre 20th century), books--most of which I've read, but would like to have for a personal library--the dishes I dream of entertaining friends upon; my acting programs and photos from shows in which I performed; framed posters which I recently looked at to see if I still liked, AND I DO--I can't seem to part with it because in the back of my mind, I hope, I dream, of having a home of my own again.  This will require another surgery, two rounds of physical therapy AND A LOT OF MONEY.  So what do I do?  The ONE thing I did a couple of years ago was throw out all my old journals.  I was such a GIRL when I wrote them, and I wrote about the same old s h i t for YEARS.  It's a start.  I like to think so, anyway. 

LOL, you sound like me with my little hoard of artwork and photographs.  It's wierd how we feel we want to/have to keep them but at the same time we feel like they are a burden hanging over our heads isn't it!?

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Dreading what else the day will bring up.  Mom had an MI last night.  But, given her history - a proclivity for drama, secretiveness and martyrdom - I know it's likely she brought it on herself.  I'm lucky, however, her GP is on to her and won't put up with it.  I'll probably have to spend the weekend straightening out more of Mom's sh#t while she's laid up.  No one to help.

I myself have a brief doc's appt this morning to get clearance for a dental procedure.  I dread the possibility I'll have to deal again with an incompetent med tech who couldn't figure out, even after three tries, how to do a BP.  I'm really sick of all this.

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14 hours ago, sober4life said:

Your boss seems so awful that if that last road became flooded I could imagine him expecting you to make it to work with a boat.😥Life always seems to get worse.  It's like something out there is constantly trying to break us.  That didn't work let's make things worse!  I'm so sick of life!

We've got a meeting in a few minutes to discuss logistics for all of this sh!t. I should just jump in my boat and row home.

Yes, the universe is hostile towards me. And if anyone tells me I'm "part of" the universe, I'll bop them in the nose. I'm something that the universe wants to expel.

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