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I feel bad for thinking about this


sabiflitch

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I recently posted about how I think my history with sexual abuse is the underlying issue with a lot of my issues. It was a tough, tough thing to go through and quite scary at times. But when I am feeling extremely low, or stuck in my life, I feel the want to indulge in that again. Because it was sort of an escape. A really f**cked up sort of escape. I would obviously never go back to that. I think when I am so depressed, I want to punish myself. I have a history of self-harm and I have a pattern of not eating, both happen if I am extremely upset and "hyped" because of it. I think I feel the desire to go back to abuse because deep inside I feel I should be punished, for whatever reasons my brain feeds me. I could clearly never tell my partner about that. Today my goal is to find a doctor who can recommend me to a psychiatrist. I am a bit slow from my head injury the other day, but I can at least do some online work and make phone calls. One thing at a time, right?

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Yeah, its amazing, (or sad) that the lower we feel, the more we beat ourselves up. We wouldnt do that to anyone else, yet its our 'go-to' response when we're feeling down.

I deserve this, I'm useless, I'm stupid, I'm weird, no one else goes through this, no one cares, i shouldn't have been born, everyone hates me, ill never get better, I'll never amount to anything, i cant do anything right, i should just end it...we're so mean to ourselves....

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Great recognition on your part, @sabiflitch. I'm coming to realize I have a similar "self destructive" train of thought that often takes me off the rails.

@Steveab63 summarized it well:

Quote

I deserve this, I'm useless, I'm stupid, I'm weird, no one else goes through this, no one cares, i shouldn't have been born, everyone hates me, ill never get better, I'll never amount to anything, i cant do anything right, i should just end it...

All very familiar phrases that run through my head pretty much constantly.

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I'm a very self destructive person.  I have never thought I was good enough and never will.  I will never love the person in the mirror.  It's hard to give myself a pass so many times in a row to get this length of sobriety.  I've done lots of self harm in my life.  I am certain most of my problems are from abuse and neglect from the moment I came into this world.  All the awful people had on good people suits and they ran right over me.  I live every moment of every day in fear because all the people I was supposed to trust were villains.

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