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Scias

Hey everyone, new member here

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 I've been suffering from chronic depression since I was 15-16, I'm 28 now and it hasn't gotten much better. It's not an everyday thing but it always sneaks up on me every now and then; feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, self-loathing, fear of never being loved etc. I live with my family and work a barely above min wage job. I'm very sensitive and have issues with coping with rejection, I've never had many friends in my life and have always felt like a loner for the most part. At first it wasn't quite that way, but from middle school-high school onward I definitely was. I have no friends now outside of people I met online now. These feelings have always been there but I think it got worse after a rejection from someone I had a huge crush on at work. I tried online dating after that fell apart and I had no luck on there either. Over the last few years, all of these feelings soon started to turn into fits of pessimism, anger, resentment etc. All of my peers from school are married, bought a house, went to college and ended up with a good job etc, while I have next to nothing. It's gotten worse since now I'm close to 30; at 30 with little life experience and no relationship experience as well makes for a highly undesirable person. I can't afford therapy and I tried medication for a little bit but it did me no good.

 

I've always been introverted and have a hard time forming lasting friendships that lead to anything. I've become weary and untrusting of others. I've had a difficult time forming new friendships online as well, I'm hoping this will be a more rewarding experience since this is a community that would understand and not judge my feelings, especially my negative ones.

 

Thanks. Nice to meet everyone! I have a hard time really typing my feelings out without going into tangents or ranting so I tried my best here.

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Welcome my friend to the DB forum and you are among friends here.

Hopefully you will be able to find the right treatment that works for you

and get your depression under control.

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Welcome Scias,,  I am also new here.  I can relate to you in several ways.  It is a good feeling to know that others here can relate and will understand you.  People who do not understand are incapable of empathy or even of sympathy, though many do try.  I have found that I must simply make allowances for people that do not understand, but also keep them from affecting me too much by setting my own boundaries.  It doesn't always work.  Welcome!  

Edited by Supervida
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Also, I want you to consider that 30 is still very young.  I am 43 and I thought my life was ruined at your age, but I found that my life didn't begin to get interesting and better until age 40.  I sometimes say " Life begins at 40" and while I am partly joking, I am also serious.  Nothing stays the same.  Things are always changing.  You can set small goals and do small things to work toward those goals each week.  I cannot brag that I am very good at this, but there may just be some opportunities for you right around the corner.  What gives you hope?  What brings you peace?  Find out.  I know depression is a dark cloud that makes life seem hopeless or meaningless, but life is full of possibilities.  Your friends that have good jobs and houses or that perfect relationship are not better than you.  You are worth it.  You are invaluable.  You are unique.  Try not to compare yourself.  Social media does not tell the truth.  People showcase the highlights, but rarely the struggles.  Do not be deceived into thinking others aren't also struggling.  Life is painful for everyone.  Depression is just one thing that we deal with.  Others deal with other struggles.  They hide those struggles.  It takes true strength to be self reflective and self aware.  I do not mean to lecture.  I am not saying this will be easy.  I just want you to know that you are still young and that you can still live your best life with little changes and baby steps.  I also believe strongly in the right medication or combination of medications.  New therapies are also coming soon.  I lost my marriage several years ago due to depression and lack of understanding, and a serious surgery that left me compromised as a man.  It has been a nightmare.  I cannot share details here, but I can relate to pain, apathy, resentment, isolation and complete desperation.  I can relate to wanting it to stop and wondering "why me" and basically tasting death.  I made up my own slogan to cope.  It is "live your life while tasting death" because the alternative was just giving up.  That is not the answer.  I am the captain of my fate , as the poem says, I am the master of my soul".   --just a guy on a painful journey

Edited by Supervida
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Thanks for the responses and welcomes 🙂

25 minutes ago, Supervida said:

Also, I want you to consider that 30 is still very young.  I am 43 and I thought my life was ruined at your age, but I found that my life didn't begin to get interesting and better until age 40.  I sometimes say " Life begins at 40" and while I am partly joking, I am also serious.  Nothing stays the same.  Things are always changing.  You can set small goals and do small things to work toward those goals each week.  I cannot brag that I am very good at this, but there may just be some opportunities for you right around the corner.  What gives you hope?  What brings you peace?  Find out.  I know depression is a dark cloud that makes life seem hopeless or meaningless, but life is full of possibilities.  Your friends that have good jobs and houses or that perfect relationship are not better than you.  You are worth it.  You are invaluable.  You are unique.  Try not to compare yourself.  Social media does not tell the truth.  People showcase the highlights, but rarely the struggles.  Do not be deceived into thinking others aren't also struggling.  Life is painful for everyone.  Depression is just one thing that we deal with.  Others deal with other struggles.  They hide those struggles.  It takes true strength to be self reflective and self aware.  I do not mean to lecture.  I am not saying this will be easy.  I just want you to know that you are still young and that you can still live your best life with little changes and baby steps.  I also believe strongly in the right medication or combination of medications.  New therapies are also coming soon.  I lost my marriage several years ago due to depression and lack of understanding, and a serious surgery that left me compromised as a man.  It has been a nightmare.  I cannot share details here, but I can relate to pain, apathy, resentment, isolation and complete desperation.  I can relate to wanting it to stop and wondering "why me" and basically tasting death.  I made up my own slogan to cope.  It is "live your life while tasting death" because the alternative was just giving up.  That is not the answer.  I am the captain of my fate , as the poem says, I am the master of my soul".   --just a guy on a painful journey

I'm sorry that you have also had your share of struggles in life. I can only hope that the changes coming to the US will make Healthcare much more affordable within the next few years. I have a hard time thinking of any small goals to try to achieve. I'll also likely be living on my own within several years once my parents retire and move which terrifies me. I don't know the first thing about living on my own or even affording it.

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1 minute ago, Scias said:

Thanks for the responses and welcomes 🙂

I'm sorry that you have also had your share of struggles in life. I can only hope that the changes coming to the US will make Healthcare much more affordable within the next few years. I have a hard time thinking of any small goals to try to achieve. I'll also likely be living on my own within several years once my parents retire and move which terrifies me. I don't know the first thing about living on my own or even affording it.

Thanks for your sympathy.  I am also looking for hobbies and old things I used to enjoy.  I understand that goals and changes are difficult.  I struggle to even walk My dog, for example.  I used to have fears like you and I still do have too much fear.  I try to just take this one day at a time.  I used to tell myself to take each hour at a time.  Keeping a journal can be helpful for some people.  Recording how you feel and why for example, or writing what you ate and checking recording your mood or energy level can give you some personal insight.  Being depressed is so hard.  I am very sorry you are struggling.  My dog is somewhat helpful because I like animals and the dog forces me out of myself.  But pets may not help in some cases.  There are diets that are better for depression too.  There are so many factors.  I posted about hormone therapies on a response to another member.  Is your struggle partly due to affording healthcare and medicines?  We can work on that.  There are resources.  We can work through this.  I have many more years and so I have some ideas that I will gladly share.  Not saying I necessarily know more than you or anyone.  Just have walked this path for a while longer.  🙂

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Welcome Scias.  I think you will find many people on here have been where you are.  I am 44 and I try often to not compare myself to friends with marriages and kids.   Not everyone needs to be on the same timeline (or path for that matter) in life.  If you can't afford therapy try some books that can help you become your own therapist.  Feeling Good Handbook by Burns is good.   Maybe set some small attainable goals for yourself to get the ball rolling towards the type of life you want.  You are still young, you have time to figure stuff out.  Don't beat yourself up over not being where you want to be. 

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I, too, welcome you. Glad you can share some of what you are feeling. It helps us not feel so alone in the struggle. Hope you keep coming back and posting. Glad you found this site and can join us here!

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It's hard to be hyper-sensitive, I know.  There are estimates that 25% of people in the world feel things (all kinds of sensory experiences) much more acutely than the rest of folks.  Life is harsh at times and people can be more harsh.  Recognize your sensitivities and when you need a time-out and above all be kind to yourself.  There's no use in belittling yourself for your frailties.  We all have them and even your friends who SEEM to have life figured out because they APPEAR successful have or will have insecurities to contend with and times in life when the rug is pulled out from under them.  So take heart and capitalize on your positive qualities (of course you have them) and try to remember that even these lean times can be used to improve your character and to help you have compassion in dealing with others going through the same.  Hugs

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