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Wait or move on?


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Hi everyone,

I've written a few posts here. Need some advice. Here is a brief recap and current situation. 

I have been with my exbf for over 2 years. He broke up with me because of something we couldn't come to an agreement on but also stated he realized he was depressed. Long story short, The break up and depression realization happened over 4 months ago at the exact same time. At first he told me he didn't want to lose me and he knew wed be happy together but that the issue we couldn't come to an agreement on played in his head but that he was depressed and needed help. He has a family history of it (father and brother have it). He has never had it but we agree that it was triggered 1.5 years ago by a car accident. We tried communicating,I even compromised on that issue we had but he said it wasn't enough now that he needed to figure out if I was the one for him and that he needs to sort himself out.  We took some time apart, but unfortunately I did not handle the last 4 months well. I would be supportive but then break and keep pushing him for answers. We are now at a point where he said he wanted 3 months no contact but then wanted to meet face to face to discuss it. Its weird because on texting he can become very angry, emotional, irritable but in person he almost is rationale and like the boy I knew. He has been irritable in person but its almost like he is holding it together in front of me. So it confuses me as its hard to see him as depressed. But I know he is so I remind myself of that. He now states that he still wants his 3 month space but that I can check in on him but not often. He says he feels I'm hovering and I want to know what is going on in his life (even though I was away for 7 weeks and had limited contact with him). He feels that if he were to date other people I would get upset. I said of course I would. He said that it killed him but he had to let me go when I went on my trip otherwise he would go crazy thinking of me with other people. and that right now we cannot be together as he has this feeling I am not the right one for him. He wants to commit to me and loves me but that he cant and doesn't know why he has this feeling. That his feelings for me changed. He agrees our relationship was very good and is the type that is hard to find and that he was very happy in it.

I tried to explain that feelings changed when he got depressed but he won't listen.  He did go to some counseling but stopped for 2 months but says he will be going back again soon. He wont take any medication. He says when hes feeling better we can talk and see where he stands in terms of our relationship but right now he doesn't think we will be together. He says a lot of "right now" statements. such as: "right now i feel this way" or " I don't think we will end up together, atleast thats how I feel right now". He says he wants to fix himself and thinks meeting new people in the future might be what he needs to find his answers. He clearly still loves me and cares about me but something is stopping him from accessing those feelings. I do know that he is very very good at repressing stuff which is how he landed here. He repressed his childhood abuse issues, his chronic pain due to an accident, other relationship issues, any feelings and now me. He told me hes able to put his feelings into a box and not think about them. He agrees he has some commitment issue and is scared of being alone but doesn't know if its because its me he cant commit to or what, he cannot pinpoint what caused him to change his feelings. When I said i wished it would go back to how things were before, he wrote back he did as well but things are different now.

 He says I deserve better, that it is his issue and not me and that if I move on and he regrets it, that it will be his loss and not mine. He talks about not stringing me along so he doesn't hurt me more than he already has as he cannot promise anything and that he has to let me go in order not to give mixed messages.  I agreed to give him the space he wanted but said that I deserve to have someone who knows they want me. And while I will never abandon him, that I must move on but that I'll always be here for him.  He said if its meant to be it will be, but right now he doesn't think I'm the right person for him. Its so hard because he told me he cried when we were texting and he was telling me he wanted no contact for 3 months and that is not like him at all. He never cries. I could see in texts and in person that he is confused. I asked him if he wanted me to move on he said no but he can't tell me what to do. Its like hes battling himself. He says he wants to commit to me but can't because of this feeling. 

Did I do the right thing and saying I'm moving on?   I honestly don't think I can. I will respect his space. I realize nothing will work if hes not better. But I do not want anyone else. My trip really confirmed that to me. But is saying to them that you're not moving on helping or hurting? I feel like that is letting them know you'll be a doormat or is it helpful as he seems to have commitment issues/scared that Id leave him and telling him I will wait for him is showing him I will never leave.

suggestions? Thoughts? 

Thanks!

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The benefits of writing in such detail such as you have can't be understated.  It's clear to me you've given this a lot of thought.  My sense is that you've already answered your own question.  In simplest terms:

- He's indicated in a variety of ways over several months that he's not emotionally available.

- You've already posed, "Did I do the right thing...moving on?"

Probably not the feedback you wanted and mine is only one voice, but that's my read.

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I think you should let him try dating other people. Im in a similar situation with my relationship and feelings. But I really think if he goes out a few times and sees what life is like without you, hell realize what he wants and that would be that. There is always hope for true love so don't give up but both of you should move on for a bit, explore your options, focus on your career and come back to it if you both still have that love in your hearts.

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I'm very sorry for your situation. I know its very hard when you've already given your heart to someone to go through this and even think about being with someone else, but I can't help but think about what you could be missing. Maybe if you just stopped initiating any kind of contact could help? Theres the old saying "if you love someone/something set it free if it comes back it was meant to be". I think you should set yourself free. You need to be free to enjoy your life and focus on school/career. You have a future and a hope. Don't let anything or anyone hold you back. If in the process of you living your life he happens to come back then great. If you happen to meet someone else, well...  Another thing-if he's depressed you can't heal him. No one can-only he has the power to reach out for help. We all have our flaws and there are many people out there who suffer with depression. It doesn't make anyone a bad person, but the difference in whether you are in a relationship with someone with any problem is whether they are willing to get the help they need or not-other wise it really can be frustrating and unhealthy for you or any children you could possibly bring into the situation in the future. I'm praying for you ❤️ Hugs ❤️ 

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