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STILL FEEL SO LOST


quentin360

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Hello everyone,. I just really need to vent some. I've written posts in the past about this severe depression I have suffered with since my childhood but especially how hard it was living alone and being able to conveniently isolate myself. After years and years of that I finally took a step a little over a year ago and began getting out and volunteering at a local ministry helping people in my community and becoming fully involved in my church. I'm very glad I took that step because I got to know some really loving caring people and was able to get out of myself and help others. The one thing I wanted more than anything, though has continued to slip my grasp, and that is joy and just be okay with myself and today I can say I feel just as loss as I did a year ago. Some people that don't understand us might think that dealing with mental illness and depressive episodes since I was 11 or 12 years old that by now I would be used to it. Speaking for myself there is no getting used to it, this depression is never ever welcome and is to me as devastating as in the beginning some 39 years ago. My pastor says that that joy comes from the Lord so I've been praying for a time, two or three times a day but sometimes it just feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. Don't get me wrong, unless the event of my mental state takes completely over, I will still push myself and continue volunteering and going to church even though I do opt out more here lately because of the depression but my pastor stays on my ass and that's good for me. If by some major chance someone here can direct me to the path of being okay with myself then by all means share. Thanks for listening to my rent and I wish the best for all you

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My husband’s family is full of preachers. They all regurgitate the same line your pastor does, “true happiness comes from the Lord”. I’m not saying this to be rude or controversial, I am just trying to give you some perspective. One of his preaching family members we suspect purposely killed himself, one is a pathological liar, and another has issues with severe depression and sexual deviance. Those are the ones we know of with issues, I’m sure like any other humans the rest do as well.

 

All of this to say, I don’t think anyone has it figured out. I think that some people say stuff to reassure others. But I personally think being deep into the word of god can make someone even more depressed. It’s like seeing this beautiful heavenly contrast of perfection and then turning to face the reality of life. We are nowhere remotely rewarded on earth and looking at what the world has to offer us isn’t really pretty.

I think what you are doing in and for society is beautiful and amazing and is about as good as it can get. As selfless and honorable as we wish to be in the world, we are unlikely to see that given back.

Do what makes you feel your best. Sometimes it’s a hard fight with yourself but in the end I assume as most do, you feel so much better about it all. 

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Let me tell you my short story.

 

I suffered from anxiety attacks from since I was 12. At 14 I was diagnosed with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder. At 14 the anxiety attacks were the worst, most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my gut. It would wake me up in the middle of the night and last anywhere from 1 to 8 hours. I'd fall asleep in the bathroom or on the floor, sometimes I'd have to go to the emergency room. I would pray to god that my life would be better, that my parents would finally split up, and I was a very angry child/teenager. My anxiety was getting worse and praying to God was only making it worse. I feared I would be punished with pain if I had any negative thoughts about my parents. I cried out loud to God. I did my best and yet I felt like I was going to die each and every day. So I gave up.

 

I became an Athiest for 2 reasons. First being I couldn't keep living my life to impress a fictitious higher-than-thou being. And second, I couldn't expect him/her/it to bless me with anything or to improve my life/thoughts/feelings/relationships/etc. I did that for my peace of mind.

 

Now at almost 25 years old, I still struggle with depression. This past 2 years have been pretty heavy for how horrible I feel. I'd rather be homeless these days honestly. 

 

But.. I still try to some extent. I honestly just keep a short, short list of minor things I can accomplish to make myself feel better. Perhaps read a book about someone going through a similar experience. Maybe take a little road trip with someone you have known for a while, or your dog if you have one, and just get away for a weekend, even a day trip can really make you feel better. I don't give the best advice since I'm pretty low myself.. but I truly hope you feel better soon and if you ever need to talk I'm here 🙂

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Hey, 

Life is very hard and we go through a lot 

of road blocks along the way, some are 

much more difficult than others but we 

can get through them if we just don’t 

quit on ourselves.  I do understand what 

y’all are talking about when it comes to 

religion.  Religion is similar to the ground 

that so many farmers work trying to get 

🍉 fruits and blessings from her.  You can 

work it with everything you got and she

still may not yield you her goods.  It does 

not mean the ground is no good it just 

means you got to find what else do I have 

to add to it in order to yield her goods.

 

what I’m trying to say you have to add

many things to your faith in religion so

that you might be able to handle every 

pestilence to come up against you.  So

read, listen, participate and do what ever 

it takes to get your breakthrough or your 

peace of mind and a calm spirit.

Hang in there my friends and I’m praying 

for your peace of mind.

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7 hours ago, quentin360 said:

Some people that don't understand us might think that dealing with mental illness and depressive episodes since I was 11 or 12 years old that by now I would be used to it. Speaking for myself there is no getting used to it, this depression is never ever welcome and is to me as devastating as in the beginning some 39 years ago. My pastor says that that joy comes from the Lord so I've been praying for a time, two or three times a day but sometimes it just feels like I'm talking to a brick wall.

Hi quintin360! I so agree with this. I don't think I will ever get used to it. It hurts like crazy at times. The thing that has helped me is to work at my relationship with God like I would a friend I really want to get to know. I take my Bible, notebook, and pen to a peaceful place like a park and I stay there for a while reading, writing, and praying. Like any friendship it takes time to build it yet for me it has gotten stronger over the years more than I would have imagined. I can't always hold onto that joy yet I can access it for a time which gives me strength and reminds me how loved and accepted I am, just as I am.

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I so appreciate everyone's response. I don't hate God or anything like that. My pastor is the most humblest and best person I have ever met. He just does not understand when it comes to depression as he has never experienced such. I am a believer and I will continue to do the right thing whenever I can and continue to pray for that peace that has evaded me so long. Here's something I wrote many years ago and it should give you some insight into my journey of getting closer to God as I understand him.

  A Perfectionist's Prayer
O Lord, I sought You favor,
  In everything I did;
I only sought to do Your will,
  But I fell far short instead;
I read throughout the bible,
  To learn what I should do;
I voiced Your word to others,
  Yet I felt so unapproved;
I thought I was doing good,
  But it just wasn't enough;
I know that I touched others,
  But I did not know Your love;
I thought so many times,
  I've let it go on too long;
I've disobeyed so many times,
  From my life, You're finally gone;
I thought I had committed,
  The most unpardonable sin;
What it was, I did not know,
  I felt condemned, again and again;
I began to resent those things,
  I knew to do, but did not do;
I began to resent Christianity,
  But worse of all, I resented You;
I now see the guilt I've felt,
  Was mostly from my own mind;
Taking on too much, too soon,
  I felt I had little time;
I started out to seek Your favor,
  And do nothing that I thought wrong;
But what I didn't realize is,
  I had Your favor all along;
   Quentin Martin
    June 4, 2000

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On 8/10/2018 at 7:12 AM, quentin360 said:

joy comes from the Lord

If you changed that to: joy comes from helping others, then youd be working with something tangible. Im not religious, so feel free to ignore, but..if your just praying for your problems to disappear with no work on your part, i think thats a recipe for failure. Youd be much better off learning everything you can about your condition, reading books, going to therapy and meetings, and going out into the world and mingling with people. Taking meds if prescribed too. Personally i have no use for religion. My mom thought she was dying of cancer because she didnt believe strongly enough. Really? This is helpful? No thanks, i have enough failings in life and standards to try and live up to.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey Steveab63 sorry I'm just know reading this. Everything you said is right on point and I am actively involved in what you might call self-help, going to therapy, learning doing what I can to be okay with myself. I would not call myself a religious man, just a man who believes in the Lord Jesus Christ dying for my sins, without that I would have nothing. I go to hand of hope ministry and we help anyone and everyone that comes through those doors and I think that God is in it all. For me to sit down with some guy who is trying to make his way home hitchhiking and I get so much out of talking to him and it does bless me. Let me clarify one thing I made a mistake about. There is absolutely something going on inside of me when I am there helping people or when I am in my little church that I go to and I think that, is joy, definitely love. My church is for sinners and we have quite a bunch of characters that just want to know that the will be okay even if they are still using drugs or doing things that so hard to stop so thank you man for your comment, I totally respect what you said.

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