Learning how to be selfish in a good way?

[sabiflitch]

Every day I wake up with my boyfriend and help him get ready for work, or just talk to him simply because I'm awake. Every morning I go smoke a cigarette with him before he takes off and I wave goodbye. I didn't go out to smoke with him until he was almost finished with his, because I'm learning how to avoid our bad mornings. It doesn't matter if I closed the door too hard or if he thought I had an attitude, everything has been a war to communicate about. I deleted my instagram and I'm not going to text him today. I'm kind of to a point of no emotion, where I am finding some strength in my frustrations. I can tell he thinks of me as a disappointment and helpless, so I'm not going to be clingy anymore either. Going to call him by his name instead of "baby". Going to remember he is my love but he is also a non-perfect human like me, and he doesn't come before me.

[LeilaNadine]

Hi Sabiflitch, 

I tend to think that sometimes in relationships it can be easy to put our partners on a pedestal, turn them into someone that can do no wrong in our minds and exhaust ourselves worrying about their happiness. I’ve been here in the past and it made me lose sight of what I wanted, who I was and how I deserved to be treated. 

How would you feel about thinking what you want out of life, what makes you feel good and how you’d like to be treated by someone? You deserve the best. 

I also remember thinking that instead of finding someone that makes me happy, being someone that makes me happy is far more rewarding. The former falls into place when this happens as you are no longer turning to them for the happiness that you can offer yourself. They become part of your life instead of its entirety. 

[AF2018]

5 hours ago, sabiflitch said:

Every day I wake up with my boyfriend and help him get ready for work, or just talk to him simply because I'm awake. Every morning I go smoke a cigarette with him before he takes off and I wave goodbye. I didn't go out to smoke with him until he was almost finished with his, because I'm learning how to avoid our bad mornings. It doesn't matter if I closed the door too hard or if he thought I had an attitude, everything has been a war to communicate about. I deleted my instagram and I'm not going to text him today. I'm kind of to a point of no emotion, where I am finding some strength in my frustrations. I can tell he thinks of me as a disappointment and helpless, so I'm not going to be clingy anymore either. Going to call him by his name instead of "baby". Going to remember he is my love but he is also a non-perfect human like me, and he doesn't come before me.

hey, long time no talk. how are you?

i don't like the 'I can tell he thinks of me as a disappointment and helpless.' if he's your love, are you sure you're his?

great job wanting to look after yourself. you're doing the right thing. put YOURSELF first.

[sabiflitch]

23 hours ago, AF2018 said:

hey, long time no talk. how are you?

i don't like the 'I can tell he thinks of me as a disappointment and helpless.' if he's your love, are you sure you're his?

great job wanting to look after yourself. you're doing the right thing. put YOURSELF first.

 

I'm doing well actually, today that is. A little between my typical depressed mood and stable. Trying to do things that will make me feel better. Well.. about what I said how my boyfriend thinks of me.. I feel very loved by him. I just think he is very frustrated with me/our situation in the moment. Which is completely understandable. 

[sabiflitch]

On 8/8/2018 at 2:22 PM, LeilaNadine said:

Hi Sabiflitch, 

I tend to think that sometimes in relationships it can be easy to put our partners on a pedestal, turn them into someone that can do no wrong in our minds and exhaust ourselves worrying about their happiness. I’ve been here in the past and it made me lose sight of what I wanted, who I was and how I deserved to be treated. 

How would you feel about thinking what you want out of life, what makes you feel good and how you’d like to be treated by someone? You deserve the best. 

I also remember thinking that instead of finding someone that makes me happy, being someone that makes me happy is far more rewarding. The former falls into place when this happens as you are no longer turning to them for the happiness that you can offer yourself. They become part of your life instead of its entirety. 

 

 

That's exactly what I'm trying to do. I often find myself following him around the house from time to time, just because I'm unsure of my place. I think I'm unsure of my place in life and in myself all together, but I try to indulge in things that make me happy/are productive for my well-being. Every day he tells me to do this or do that because I don't have a job, which is fair. But sometimes I never get to concentrate on me and I'm tired of hearing him make small jabs at me in conversation..

[LeilaNadine]

45 minutes ago, sabiflitch said:

 

 

That's exactly what I'm trying to do. I often find myself following him around the house from time to time, just because I'm unsure of my place. I think I'm unsure of my place in life and in myself all together, but I try to indulge in things that make me happy/are productive for my well-being. Every day he tells me to do this or do that because I don't have a job, which is fair. But sometimes I never get to concentrate on me and I'm tired of hearing him make small jabs at me in conversation..

Concentrating on yourself and your wellbeing is a great way forward, I think that confidence and a sense of self identity follows this. Once your feeling that confidence and you’ve given it to yourself it’s hard for others to diminish as you dont need it from them so much. 

What I would say about the jabs in conversation is that you are quite within your rights to establish healthy boundaries because that’s not ok. Whatever that means for you whether it’s walking away or addressing it, you don’t have to take it. 

This might sound super cheesy but have you ever made a vision board? Putting out visually what you want to achieve and putting it somewhere your able to see it every day is a nice reminder to work on yourself.. and it’s something creative to do...for you. 

[Floor2017]

Well said you first have to take care of your needs before you can help someone else to take care of their needs.  Otherwise you both will sink together in the pond of disappointment and frustrations of the world 🌎 

[sabiflitch]

On 8/9/2018 at 3:26 PM, LeilaNadine said:

Concentrating on yourself and your wellbeing is a great way forward, I think that confidence and a sense of self identity follows this. Once your feeling that confidence and you’ve given it to yourself it’s hard for others to diminish as you dont need it from them so much. 

What I would say about the jabs in conversation is that you are quite within your rights to establish healthy boundaries because that’s not ok. Whatever that means for you whether it’s walking away or addressing it, you don’t have to take it. 

This might sound super cheesy but have you ever made a vision board? Putting out visually what you want to achieve and putting it somewhere your able to see it every day is a nice reminder to work on yourself.. and it’s something creative to do...for you. 

I have not made a vision board but that sounds like a good idea. Im embarrassed to do it though... because if I fail it's going to hurt.

[LeilaNadine]

8 hours ago, sabiflitch said:

I have not made a vision board but that sounds like a good idea. Im embarrassed to do it though... because if I fail it's going to hurt.

Could you do it without seeing it as something to pass or fail? Say for example you have an image of self care on there as a reminder to take 5 minutes for you. There’s no pass or fail, just a gentle reminder to do something you enjoy or something that relaxes you. If you don’t do it every time it doesn’t matter, you don’t have to be at war with yourself 💕

[Scias]

Does he ever talk to you about your feelings or how you feel or what you want to do? It's nice to want to give him your attention but not so much if he isn't more considerate towards you though.

[sabiflitch]

On 8/17/2018 at 5:39 PM, Scias said:

Does he ever talk to you about your feelings or how you feel or what you want to do? It's nice to want to give him your attention but not so much if he isn't more considerate towards you though.

He does try to talk to me about my feelings, but he doesn't know how. He always upsets me with what he says. I could talk about something he might have said or done that upset me, and he will respond with something along the lines of how I need to stop over reacting, or how I need to stop blaming him. I just don't engage anymore with him or my friends, because no one is kind or smart enough to listen. My mom is the only one I have to talk to.

[sabiflitch]

On 8/17/2018 at 4:34 PM, LeilaNadine said:

Could you do it without seeing it as something to pass or fail? Say for example you have an image of self care on there as a reminder to take 5 minutes for you. There’s no pass or fail, just a gentle reminder to do something you enjoy or something that relaxes you. If you don’t do it every time it doesn’t matter, you don’t have to be at war with yourself 💕

That's a good idea too. I guess I could look at it as more of a reminder and not a task.