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Natasha1

How Do You Feel Right Now? #7

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16 hours ago, BeyondWeary said:

No, I think it will get better. We change as we grow older - more wisdom, different priorities, maybe a need for a Higher Power, more experience in dealing with this illness. I have the hope of a better life to come after this one because of my faith in God. If I'm wrong, I don't really lose anything. Yet if others who don't believe in God (a relationship not religion) are wrong, I think they have more to lose.

Yes we do change, but for those of us who have been dealing with this since we were young kids, not being able to work, or live a productive life ..I don't believe a higher power will help me out. if such a thing existed I doubt after so many years I'd still be dealing with this. But to each his own. I don't like arguing over religion on this matter. I respect peoples beliefs, it's just not mine...if it works for you and others good..its not my thing...

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

Pretty much every song of his and every song from Hank Williams describes my life.  All my life I've been a loser should be the theme of my life.

Yes. Hank and Johnny both sang about my life with many of their tunes as well. I could well have followed Hank into an early grave with my lifestyle. I'm self-destructive, stemming from my self-loathing.

Edited by JD4010

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2 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Yes. Hank and Johnny both sang about my life with many of their tunes as well. I could well have followed Hank into an early grave with my lifestyle. I'm self-destructive, stemming from my self-loathing.

I think I'm going to be the first person that hated themselves more than anyone on earth and get to a year sober.😥

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4 hours ago, JustAnotherSufferer said:

@sober4life

Hank williams is great as well. I’m so lonesome I could cry is such a great song.

I have always felt a connection to Johnny cash. Sometimes I can hear him talk to me, it’s probably my unstable mind, but stil. I love his music. I have listened to his first 4 albums.

I am so lonesome I could cry but at the same time people drive me absolutely crazy so it's a real fun life.

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53 minutes ago, BeyondWeary said:

I don't want to be at work anymore but I need to be. Thank God it is slow today and I can be on this site.

How come life is so hard? What is the point? to just get through it the best I can? wish things were better than that

I really don't know what the point is ...everyone has their own theory......but after so many years, I can honestly say that I wish I had not been born because I'm suffering and this is not the way I imagined life, nor do I think its fair that people suffer the way we do. But I try not to question it, otherwise it just drives me insane. Some people are just lucky, and others aren't. I guess it's just all random. I mean if we lived in a perfect world where no one got sick, k*lled, robbed, in fights, some are rich, others starving to death....so many people like doctors, cops, lawyers, businesses, etc would be out of job...so I suppose my only explanation is that some people are lucky and others aren't so lucky, and sh*t happens whether we like it or not.

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25 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I am so lonesome I could cry but at the same time people drive me absolutely crazy so it's a real fun life.

It’s not about being lonely. It’s about having no one that understands you, that kind of lonely. When you feel stuck in your own little world.

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@sober4life

Sometimes I wish I could own a gun so that I could end it quick and painlessly. I won’t obviously, but still. When I’m a 80 year old depressed man then I might do it. My maternal grandfather who meant a lot to me never complained, he worked hard all his life. Then came a day when he had enough.

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5 hours ago, JustAnotherSufferer said:

It’s not about being lonely. It’s about having no one that understands you, that kind of lonely. When you feel stuck in your own little world.

I feel lonely in both ways.  Mostly I just miss the one I love.  I lay in bed for hours thinking about this person crying myself to sleep.  I hate life so much!😥

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Crying, which makes me angry at myself.  I have much to be grateful for, but this is not the life I saw for myself.  Is it too late to have what I want and need? 

Sometimes I think I'll never have the love of a man again.  Never again be held in strong arms. 

Living a life where I can express my creativity; have a home of my own someplace warm and dry, with many substantive friendships and no worries about money. 

I'm so lonely . . . how many times do I have to ask that this be the night I die in my sleep? 

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Back after a couple of days.  I’m in a rut within a rut.  Semi-paralyzed, fearful, despondent, anxious, doubtful, lonely, empty, hopeless, listless.  I simply cannot live like this for the rest of my life.  It’s already taken far too much out of me.   Over the years, I’ve tired of fighting as I once did.

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I feel Sad I haven't been on here for almost a year because my medications and new therapist have been working, I hate my s***ty grocery store job I had a interview for a production assistant at a microbiology lab that went well. I hate working in the same s***ty jobs I was before college and in my early 20's im sick of being around people who aren't intellectually curious about anything, im lonely but I find most people so boring, naive, bland, cruel, and simple minded that trying to form relationships with anyone feels like a chore. I am thankful im single and friendless I would be suicidal if I was socially obligated to communicate with any of my coworkers or most people I talk to in public at my job and when I go out. Does that make me a Narcissist? I don't think I care about any of my family members besides my siblings either.

I feel so old to be working in these stupid s***ty jobs still and find 95% of people barely tolerable does that make me depressed or a a******.

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I woke up with "You've Lost that Lovin' Feelin'" stuck in my head. Don't know why. Also feel very stiff and sore.

I've got a lot on my mind these days that I'm trying to let go. I desperately want to stop analyzing everything to death and just be in the moment. I don't know how to balance the two, as swaying too far in either direction tends to screw things up for me.

In any case, we randomly got cheap tickets to the baseball game Monday evening, which I'm irrationally excited about. And because of the game, I decided to take a random 4 day weekend after I get through today. I'm so burned out. Hope I can settle some of the chaos in my mind during this mini-break.

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Friggin' disgusted.  Heading back to bed.

I've been trying all week to resolve a relatively minor issue with my HIV agency from ten days ago.  No response to email or texts.  No response to voicemails I've left with three people this past week.  It's like I'm invisible.  It's a minor issue they're letting blow up into a blowup.

tbh, my mind is telling me they're trying to "teach me a lesson" or some such.  I guess that's paranoia, but it's similar to what I've encountered with other intransigent agencies over the years.  Right now I'm furious it's just another damn agency treating me like dirt.

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@MarkintheDark

If that’s the case then they’re a bunch of *****. We all do mistakes sometimes. They should help you in whatever way they can, that’s why they’re there in the first place.

The worst is when people stop responding. The most important thing is to be honest. It makes it hurt less.

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I feel like I'm forced to survive a life I don't want to survive anymore.   I was created so screwed up there was never a chance for me.  I was born to suffer the most excruciating misery possible and that's all it's been so far.

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