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How Do You Feel Right Now? #7


Natasha1

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6 minutes ago, TheSandman said:

I just wrote down everything I've felt over the last few years that's bubbled up. I don't want to let my feelings bottle up anymore, but looking back at stuff it's never easy, especially when you feel like you're to blame for all of it.

I can't decided whether I'm relieved that it's out or still just as scared as I was before.

Good for you Sandman! That takes guts. I think it is better to clean your slate even if it is hard. At least you can be freer.

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3 minutes ago, BeyondWeary said:

Hi JD. I think you are a human being that is perfectly imperfect. You did as well as you could at the time. Negative self-talk just does more damage and it is something we have control over.

Thanks. The more I think about it, the more realize that I have a strong desire to "be liked". At the same time, I hate myself. That is a horrible combination.

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9 minutes ago, TheSandman said:

I just wrote down everything I've felt over the last few years that's bubbled up. I don't want to let my feelings bottle up anymore, but looking back at stuff it's never easy, especially when you feel like you're to blame for all of it.

I can't decide whether I'm relieved that it's out or still just as scared as I was before.

Personally, I think it should be a huge relief. Makes it easier for a fresh start too.

Bravo!

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Happy Birthday...except thats one of those landmarks that makes us inventory whats different since our last one, which sucks if the answer is:"not much".

So i guess nevermind that and do something that makes you feel good, and enjoy that.

Steve

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@sober4life

That’s a really painful feeling. Loneliness, isolation, sadness, anxiety, it’s a deadly combo. All of us here deserve so much better than this. Sadly, we where given the short end of the stick.

Life has been going downhill for me these past two weeks. It seems like most of us are having a pretty bad time. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I won’t **** myself, I’m just so sick of my life. Nothing brings me joy anymore. Everything is a pain!

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13 hours ago, babyxgothxx said:

It's my Birthday today ❤️ Can't stay on long though... Gotta leave soon! Hope you guys are alright... Love you very much and thanks for being there for me... You are like a real family in my eyes ❤️  

Happy birthday

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My heart is melting right now.

I told my roommate's son last week that I'd make a police badge for him the next time he came over. And I completely forgot until this afternoon, about two hours before he was showing up. So I ran around and made a badge out of cardboard and aluminum foil with Elmer's glue and sharpie, and glued a pin on the back.

I just surprised him with it now that it's dried. He was almost breathless because he was so happy. He just kept saying "whoooooaaa" really softly while staring at it, like it was the holy Grail. I'm pretty sure I heard him say "hubba hubba" to the badge when I was walking away. 😂😂😂

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7 minutes ago, velvetpuddles said:

My heart is melting right now.

I told my roommate's son last week that I'd make a police badge for him the next time he came over. And I completely forgot until this afternoon, about two hours before he was showing up. So I ran around and made a badge out of cardboard and aluminum foil with Elmer's glue and sharpie, and glued a pin on the back.

I just surprised him with it now that it's dried. He was almost breathless because he was so happy. He just kept saying "whoooooaaa" really softly while staring at it, like it was the holy Grail. I'm pretty sure I heard him say "hubba hubba" to the badge when I was walking away. 😂😂😂

Very sweet Velvet!!!!  nicely done.  This made me smile!!!!

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So, i forced myself to mow the fron and back lawns. Got all sweaty and gross, then took a nice shower. Now i feel a couple of notches better than before. Out with the bad air, in with the good, as Peter Sellers would say.

So like ive been saying: nevermind that its the last thing you feel like doing, force yourself and do it anyway.

Now i just need to remember that myself.

Steve

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1 hour ago, salparadise6132 said:

Very sweet Velvet!!!!  nicely done.  This made me smile!!!!

Thanks! I can't stop smiling about. His reaction was so purely happy and innocent. Just some foil glued on to cardboard magically turned him into a police officer...kids have the absolute best way of living.

I was hoping this would bring someone else some joy, too!!

Edited by velvetpuddles
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1 hour ago, JustAnotherSufferer said:

I feel like trash! It’s 2 AM where I live and I still can’t sleep. Things have only been going downhill lately, I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I’m so sick of living like this. Today has been one of the worst days in a long time.

Sorry you're having a rough time. Wish our brains had an off switch sometimes. i woke up in the middle of the night panicking about some imagined scenario that probably will not happen, but it kept me from getting a good night's sleep. Been exhausted all day. 

try to hang in there. try to get out and do something fun.

Steve

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4 hours ago, JustAnotherSufferer said:

I feel like trash! It’s 2 AM where I live and I still can’t sleep. Things have only been going downhill lately, I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I’m so sick of living like this. Today has been one of the worst days in a long time.

I haven’t slept much the past two nights, so I’m hoping that tonight is going to be better.  The AC’s on the fritz today, which won’t help.

If only being tired ensured good sleep.

Hang in there and keep hanging around on here.  Get to know people & keep making yourself at home.  I’m sure glad to have you here, and I know others are too, for sure.

I identify closely with exactly how you’re feeling right now.  Hang in there tonight & let’s see where you are tomorrow, my friend.

Edited by adamrparr
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4 hours ago, Steveab63 said:

So, i forced myself to mow the fron and back lawns. Got all sweaty and gross, then took a nice shower. Now i feel a couple of notches better than before.

You and I are made of about the same stuff having had some physical difficulties on that front, plus summer heat/humidity to deal with.  My appearance is usually enough to scare children and small animals by the time I'm done 😄

While I revel in the accomplishment post-shower, it still takes me about 24 to recover.  And I've often felt the same ("out with the bad air," etc.) the next day.

 

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I set out to write this as concisely as possible and I think I have done that. It just happens to be a long story. In fact, I could've added even more so you could better understand where I'm coming from. Mainly, I needed to get this off my chest and I'm so grateful for being able to do that here in this forum. Please read it and tell me what you think. 

30 years ago, when I was in high school, I had several close friends. I'm still friends with a few of them, with the exception of one or two. In the years following high school one of those old friends started spreading rumors about me and saying very hurtful things to me. In the mid 90's my drug habit was becoming a full-fledged addiction. Living in a small town meant that certain people were going to know about it. This once close friend of mine decided that he would use his big mouth to belittle me instead of figuring out a way to help me. Here are just a couple of examples of his charming ways:

Example #1:  One night while I happened to be hanging out with this friend and a few other people, he pulled out a big sack of garden shrub. Then another guy did the same. I was surprised when I saw the second guy with that much shrubbery because he never smoked when we were in high school. At this time I wasn't smoking hardly any shrubbery, so I said, "Wow, you guys probably smoke more than I do now." Upon hearing this, my old friend must've thought that I was trying to make him out to be a big pothead, because he retaliated with the words, "Yeah well, at least we don't go around shooting street drugs!" I promptly replied, "Dude, I've never even seen that stuff!" I left the gathering a few minutes later and walked home.

Example #2:  Once again I found myself at a party with my old friend. This time there were even more people present to hear his slanderous lies. It was winter and as I was taking off my coat I noticed that my old friend had a coat 100% exactly the same as mine. So I said, "Hey, we need to keep our coats separated because they're identical." Without hesitation his response was, "Oh that shouldn't be a problem. Yours will be the one with the pocket full of pills." I was blown away by his complete lack of empathy and his willingness to say whatever it took to make me look and feel like a junkie loser, and he didn't care who heard him. After he said that I immediately told him to sit down so that we could have a talk. It was a complete waste of my time as he just sat there while I tried to educate him about addiction.

That was about 20 years ago. Since then we have kept our distance as much as possible. We ran into each other a couple of years ago and he brought up something that I had posted on Facebook. He misunderstood it and told me that he felt like I was insulting him with my Facebook post. I pulled him aside and told him that he should never take anything I say as an insult. I was proud of myself for telling him that instead of something like, "Oh, so you're telling me that you don't like being insulted? Well neither do I ya big jerk!" Later that night, we communicated briefly online and, for the first time in over 25 years, I felt at peace with this person. I stopped having the recurring dream where I'm on top of him, pummeling his face with my fists until he becomes an unrecognizable pool of whatever. Pretty heavy huh? Since then his mother has passed away and I sent him several private messages telling him how sorry I was. I began to find peace regarding this person by reaching out to him especially in the days following his mother's death. It wasn't easy for me but it made me feel better and those disturbing dreams stopped.

Okay. So tonight I found out that he got this job that I was really hoping to get. Even though part of me is happy for him, the bigger part of me cannot help but picture him with a smug grin on his face while he thinks about the fact that he got the job and I didn't. Of all the people to be chosen instead of me...  I have never received an apology for the laundry list of hurtful comments that were hurled at me as I was going through the hardest years in my life.

A few years ago I wrote him a long message one night. In it I brought up every single time that he said something derogatory to me or to someone else about me. I covered it all while being as civil as possible. I thought that I would finally get my apology after that, but I didn't. I've heard stories of him crying and apologizing to other people and I can't help but wonder, "Where the hell is my apology? There's no way that he could've said worse things to these people than he said to me!"  When I hear other people talk about him I just want to tell them about the real person behind the brown-nosing mask. He's very adept at telling people what they want to hear, and putting on this act like he really wants to be your friend, but only if he can gain something in the process. Once I started using drugs, more than him that is, I had nothing for him to profit from so he started with the harassment.

Am I being petty for hanging on to the hurt caused by someone who used to be such a close friend? If I am then why did I tell him that he should never take anything I say as an insult when I could've said something hurtful to him just to get even?

Just when I think I've put all of this behind me, something happens that brings it all back again.

 

 

Edited by dpepper73
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Well, i dont know how close a friend he is based on how he treated you. Maybe you thought more of him, than him of you. Plus youve stood up for yourself and have taken the high road all along, so you have nothing to be ashamed of in that respect.

Unless its just buddies fooling around, and busting each other's balls, and you misunderstanding that, maybe he's just an uncaring jerk. If the latter, i doubt you can control that. Like i said, yove done nothing wrong. 

Steve

 

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20 hours ago, JustAnotherSufferer said:

@babyxgothxx

I have been feeling that way lately as well. Been talking to a suicidal person. We made a promise to eachother to stay safe, I’ll do my best to keep that promise.

living life as an outcast/loner sucks. Sadly, I can’t fit in with other people, even if I tried.

Yes, it really does suck to be an outcast in general... But I think it's cool and unique. I don't want to fit in... Who really is "normal" anyway?

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@babyxgothxx

Yeah, the most important thing is to be yourself. Being yourself can hurt in the way that you’re treated though. People avoid people that are themselves, they just hang out with the sheep. It’s pretty sad if you ask me. 

I’m starting to be more accepting of who I am. I still dislike myself because of my low self esteem, but I don’t care about looks and all that anymore. I soon look like Jim Morrison with my haircut, but I don’t care. I like it even though it’s not hip and cool. I would rather be myself than to follow like a sheep.

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