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There are times where I actually feel like I have things under my control. Gerald (my ADHD) and my disorganized brain work together to accomplish the day in a methodical manor. My disabled body feels pain but, I can fight through it and use it to encourage my inner strength. However that adorable little a****** trauma always seems to show up. A simple phone call with my attorney that creates such a hopeful situation is somehow twisted into instant triggers. I hear my ex husbands cruel words, feel his hands around my neck choking me, see his disgusting face and I'm checked out. I am going down the rabbit hole and fast. I retreat into myself, become unusually quiet and am no longer able to focus. I have learned to apply my coping mechanisms, but I resent them too. When I am traveling that path of the trigger I know it is time to shut down. Earphones in, Bill Burr podcast,covers over me, deep breathing, shaking and rocking,,,I pass out, It is strange to do it sober, but a huge sense of pride when I wake up. 

This all seems so unfair, a cross I have never had an interest in bearing, but it is happening. Just another reason to be strong, acknowledge my afflictions, and be proud of myself for having made it out alive and well. My child still has her mother. His first wife unfortunately not so lucky. I survived and still am. I am awake, handling my business, smiling over my coffee and ready for whatever today throws at me. I know my limitations though. Today I stay home, go nowhere, keep my inside in control so that tomorrow I can make it to the specialist to keep working towards fixing my outsides.

Wish me luck, everyday is a battle...."BASTOGNE"!!!

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