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mrrd100

Im depressed and people's actions are triggering me at this moment

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I just feel like im trying hard to improve myself and people arent supportive. I either stay by myself but dont feel judged or try to let people in and feel social pressure to be something im not. I have tried to make more friends but having depression and not working at the moment causes alot of rejection. People's judgements go from why am i depressed, to not working, to isolating and not motivated, to why am i so positive or uplifting.  I hope that i will find people who will accept me for me but Im 33 and it hasnt happened yet. I basically struggle with depression, anxiety, panic attacks and PTSD. A lot of people are conditioned to think there is something wrong in my actions not my brain chemistry. I just started EMDR therapy to hopefully deal with my PTSD as well as having a weekly therapy session. I feel like im feeling way better but also struggling heavily at times on the medications im on. I was basically taking morning meds that would keep me up late cause it gave me lots of energy. My night meds were making me fall asleep but giving me problems waking up early. I ended up lowering dosages on my morning and night meds. I feel more balanced but im still struggling heavily at times with motivation and coping with stress.

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Hi mrrd100,

Thank you for posting - I am sorry to hear about your difficulties, they certainly sound frustrating and disappointing.  You have clearly made great strides in seeking treatment and being compliant with that medication - which involves being open about your experiences and having medications altered if necessary - this is no small feat.  You also seem quite insightful regarding your triggers.  It can be extremely difficult to improve oneself when others are having a negative impact - this can be in the form of not being supportive or completely misunderstanding your situation.  In spite of these experiences - social pressure, anxiety, etc - I truly do admire your willingness and seemingly strong desire to find people who will "accept" you and make you feel like a part of the group.  

Not everyone will understand these complex situations and how debilitating they can be, but there are people out there who will.  It may not happen overnight, but you are still young and that time will surely come.  Your odds will increase as you continue with treatment and work on your symptoms.  You seem to have been making all the right steps and it is my belief that you will be somehow rewarded for these things.  I wish you the very best of luck - please be sure to keep us posted!

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Its interesting how a support staff can see what im going thru and give great words of encouragement. This is also the problem tho is that most people dont care and all my support comes from professionals or people who are in training to help others. I cant call my therapist, social worker, nurse practitioner, or care coordinator to hang out. Im basically in a downward spiral and just like usual will have to tough it out.  Im also really on edge so either im gonna take a PRN, call a hotline or both. I honestly am having trouble thinking of something to type without being super negative and going into victim mode. I just dont want to hate myself because other people dont understand me.

Its always been like this and the only person who I ever really connected with me also broke my heart. I havent for years found anyone to connect with on that same level. Im sure im guarding myself from being hurt by others but at the same time no one is showing me in my personal life that i can let my guard down. People always try to make the case that its all about your actions but its really not. Thats a fundamental flaw of psychology not including sociology. Your influenced by others as much as by your own self talk. All i seem to be able to do is continue to learn and hope to one day be able to use this knowledge to help others. I just dont know if i can deal with that burden on top of all the stress i deal with and will continue to deal with.

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mrrd100,

You are right - those who are a part of your treatment team serve a specific role and are not people with whom you can spend time and develop the type of lasting friendships for which you're looking.  The story becomes complicated, as you clearly seem to recognize, when you do connect with someone at a vulnerable level, and then are let down - that guard is a tricky thing to deal with and it doesn't move down easily.  It generally requires sufficient, ongoing evidence of its lack of usefulness - it only gets stronger when we are provided with evidence of its importance in saving us from negative situations.  And that is incredibly astute of you - that which goes on in your own head, the "self talk," plays at least an equal role in whether or not that guard is dropped for anyone.

By the sound of your posts, your burdens may seem like too much but your qualities greatly outweigh any difficulties that may come your way.  It is clear that you are intelligent, insightful, caring, and motivated - these are great qualities that will serve you well as you move forward.  You have a lot to offer others in terms of friendship and otherwise - there will surely be people who will recognize that and provide the same to you.  Hang in there, you will definitely be able to use your knowledge and personal qualities to help others.  There is no question about that.

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